My mother died October 4, 2010. It took months and months for me to begin to think I was alright again. She was my best friend. After my father died my husband and I moved in with my mother so she wouldn't be alone. When her health started to fail I was the person to take her to her doctors appointments. Before her back surgery I was the one who dressed her,followed her when she needed to walk around, helped her shower, and chopped up her food so she could eat. It was like our roles were reversed and I was the parent and she was the child. If i was totally honest here I would say that I wasn't always the most accepting of this role. There are so many things I wish I would have done differently or not had said. I'm sure we all have regrets and regrets I can live with but the depression and anxiety that have set it now after the one year anniversary I can not live with. I didn't expect this reaction to the anniversary. I went to see my doctor and she gave me pills for anxiety and depression but i had a surprising reaction to them and couldn't take them again. She gave me the name of a therapist but I can't get an appointment until the end of January. I called for grief meetings but they don't start until after the new year. I'm trying to find help but there doesn't seem to be any available to me right now. My husband doesn't understand what is happening. He hasn't experienced a lose of a loved one. I'm afraid that I'm pushing him away and my friends have become distant until after I find help and some way of coping with everything I'm feeling. The person in charge of the grief meetings said it is common for most people to not honestly go through the grief process. Many times feelings are buried and ignored with the hope that they will go away. I think that describes me perfectly. I ignore a lot of things with the hope that they will go away. I bury emotions down so deep that I forget they are there. It seems the only emotion that I can express is anger and I'm going to wind up alone if I continue to do that. If i had my way I would hide in my bedroom or maybe the closest and never step foot outside again. I don't want to go anywhere, including work, or do anything now. I thought that putting my mother's things away out of sight would help but when I get near them all I do is cry. I don't know where to start to feel like me again, or be happy again, or even just to be able to be around other people without wanting to run away or fight with them for no other reason than my own anger and unhappiness. I've never felt so screwed up or alone in my life.