lilyy

Hi Pink08, similar to you, my ex-boyfriend was my first boyfriend and he has been the only person that I've been in a relationship with. We were each other's first love, and each other's first for everything. I can finally say that I am in a much better place emotionally. It really was hard when he broke up with me, when we'd sort of get back together and then he'd re-break up with me, and when I found out he flirted it was horrible! Especially because I never imagined that he'd disrespect me the way he did...funny thing is, I'm tearing up right now as I write this and yet I said that I was in a better place emotionally earlier lol But I am. I just haven't thought about that stuff in a while. But from my personal experience and from reading your original post, I'd definitely, definitely recommend just letting go. It's not worth the trouble you're going through and will go through if you choose to go back with him. Someone like him is not worth your time, and I'm pretty sure you've become aware of this on your own And don't even think about dating yet if you're not very comfortable with it at the moment. Give yourself time to heal, things will work out somehow for the better. It's been almost a year and a half since he broke up with me and I've still yet to go on a date with someone new, and I'm fine with that. However, it's been a few months since I've really decided to let go and accepted the fact that things are not going to be the same anymore, therefore there is no way that we will get back together. What's really helped me get better was focusing on myself, on school and my future goals, and deleting him from facebook. I don't really talk to him so often either, or see him, I haven't seen him in a month. Our relationship is better now though. The last time I talked to him on the phone was this Tuesday and Wednesday. I called him because on Tuesday I was having a bad day, I missed two of my classes, one which attendance is graded and the other one where I had to turn in homework, and I cancelled a dentist's appointment that I had that day. I had been experiencing irrational anxiety since the morning, I felt overwhelmed, misunderstood, and upset so I called him in the afternoon. I told him about how I was having a bad day, how I wish I was a "normal" person (I suffer from agoraphobia), and I cried and he was simply supportive and comforting. He said just enough to make me feel validated. And then I called him on Wednesday to talk to him about my dentist appointment, being able to successfully attend one was pretty important to me so I just felt like sharing that accomplishment with him since I had emailed him earlier in the day to wish me luck. But for the most part, our short conversations have revolved around joking around about our celebrity crushes and shopping for new clothes. Since I always thought he had a good sense of style, I went shopping recently and I emailed him asking him to help me decide what to get, and then he also forwarded me a 30% off coupon, which was very cool lol. Basically, what I am trying to say is, I am beginning to treat him more like a good friend, specifically more like a girlfriend at times, and I am okay with that. And ultimately, this is perhaps the best relationship you can have with someone that you used to love so greatly, and perhaps still do but with time it becomes a different kind of love, and I think that it has to become a different kind of love in order for your relationship with this person remain healthy, and happy. And although I do confide some things with him, I try to keep those very minimal and confide mostly with my best friend, who is also my roommate. For the moment, I am still working on completely letting go, I feel like I've done good progress though I am sorry I wrote so much! But I hope that this helped a little bit, and the main thing that I want you to take away from my experience is to definitely choose to let him go, work on taking care of yourself, and with time, hopefully the two of you can remain good friends. Take care and I hope to hear from you soon!

aw no don't feel sorry, it's ok and I was understanding of where you were coming from...it's stuff like that that I need to hear so that I don't lose sight of what needs to be done And yes, hopefully we can become friends sometime in the future because he might've not been the best boyfriend but a friend who listens, he was good at being that. Thank you for listening and we'll keep in touch!

I don't know what else to say other than you're right and it's a good thing that I've finally realized this myself. I'm going to try and stay hopeful that something better will come. I don't want him anymore and I don't necessarily need his love anymore.

Thank you so much for your support, I really appreciate it I came back because I need to vent. I've failed again and again at trying to really distance myself. I keep going back to him, initiate contact and intimacy. It's so frustrating. I haven't slept today at all. I found out that he was flirting with some girl through messages, the same girl who I would ask him time after time what was up between her and him and how he felt about her and he always gave me the same answer, that she didn't mean anything, that he doesn't find her attractive, even called her ugly but the stuff he said in those messages were different from what he told me, for example one message said "I miss you hottie!!!<3 How you've been? Been modeling in those swimsuits? You look damn fine gurl! Seriously you're gorgeous! PEACE AND LOVE TO YA!<3" Seriously, what's that?! C'mon. And then I called him in the middle of the night and told him about the messages and guess what his excuse was? "She started talking to me like that so I just went along with it" Seriously? What is he, a muppet? Can he not act for himself instead of just "going with the flow?" I don't get this guy. I'm seriously tired of him. And when I told him that I just wanted him to be straightforward with me and asked him to answer me honestly if he still loved me and if he wanted me out of his life, he'd avoid the question. But finally I told him "Just be honest with me, do you love me? No. Are you in love with me? No. Do you want me out of your life? No." And then I told him what hurts the most is that I was always there, like an idiot trying to help him, encourage him and support him and all for what? Because honestly, it was just a waste of my time, he didn't get anywhere and he refuses to try and better himself so that he can move forward with his life and I just got let down, yet again. I'm sorry if I sound mad or crazy but this is just so angering now...he's so stupid! I don't get his logic. Does he not understand that ultimately he's making things worse for himself?! People are leaving his life, heck I might even too, completely...he's losing people that genuinely care about him, does he not realize this? And then after I said that stuff and how he's lost my respect, how he's disappointed me because I thought he was better than being a two-faced jerk all he said was "Who cares about feelings?! I don't. Just shutup, you're overreacting" and he hung up on me. I'm still hurt. I just wish the heartache could go away faster.

Well, I had told him that I wanted to move on because I was heart broken because of his actions and he raised his voice at me and said "Well then move on! Why are you still talking to me?!" and then he told me to leave him alone and then just hung up on me.

:/ He said to just leave him alone and let him live his miserable life. What am I supposed to do? Just leave him alone? Not like that, I don't want to.

I guess all I have to say is it's been a tough road, an emotional roller coaster. It's interfered with different aspects of my life and I've gotten to the point where it's annoying now and I wish to just let go, move on, and be better but that takes time, but at least I've made some progress because at least now I kinda really want to move on (lol). But then there's times where I think that what if sometime down the road I'll need him, I'll need his emotional support, his help, that's one thing that's really holding me back from letting go completely, because he's probably the one person who I am the SO close to and I have no problem with being so open and vulnerable to. For example, recently I've been having problems at home with my family. Currently I am away in college living about 1.15 hours away from home and I visit home fairly often since it's not that far but now when I go home, it doesn't even really feel like a home. I don't feel very comfortable being there anymore and sometimes I just wish I could go to a home, to my home but it doesn't feel that way and it sucks, it hurts. And living here where I currently stay, sometimes I get tired of it, tired of school, it's emotionally draining at times, and I just want to get away, to go home but how can I when I don't really feel like I have a home to go to anymore. Therefore sometimes when I needed to get away from here, I'd call him and ask him if I could stay with him and his family and he would say yes, pick me up from the train station, and provide me with a space where I could feel comfortable and welcomed. And recently I got into a pretty bad argument with my brother and I just got really hurt and I felt like (I still kinda do) I can't even really rely on my family for support, heck my family doesn't even really feel like a family to me right now. So I went to my best friend and him for support and they were both very supportive, especially him since he better knows how my brother and dad can be. Therefore lately, if I go "home," I'll stay over at his house for most of the weekend and then I'll visit my mom for a while and then leave back again. Therefore it's this aspect of our relationship/friendship that I don't want to lose because I'm scared that I'll need his help sometime down the road and if I were to cut him off, I feel like this aspect of our relationship would be severed or things just wouldn't be the same anymore. But then again, on the other hand, sometimes I wish I was over him already so that my happiness wouldn't depend on him so much and so that I wouldn't be getting hurt anymore or jealous, etc. I just want to be free, to let go, to be happy again like I used to be even before I met him. Thank you for replying, I really appreciate it and your responses really help me cope with this. And to Brokency, you're not alone, it is unfortunate and it simply sucks but at least once we come out of this situation better off, we'll be stronger and wiser so that we can help others through this just like KayC and haveFAITH have. Push through, you can do it

My anxiety is ok, under control. Eating well, getting enough sleep, and venting about my fears and heartache is helping a whole lot. I'm doing better, kinda still scared about not having him there at all. I spoke to him yesterday because he had been texting me throughout the day telling me how really depressed he was and how he was trying to find some comfort. So I called him late at night, we got into a pretty heated discussion because he's basically giving up and really believes that his life will NEVER get better. He believes that he everything will just be downhill from here and he even hinted at committing suicide. I don't know what the **** to do. I told his mom about his thoughts because I just freaked out and I had to let her know how he's been thinking. I just don't really know what to do. Do I completely cut him off? Because if I do, and if something happens to him, I am going to feel so guilty. He told me that I can't help him at all even though I do try, and that's why I called him yesterday. I told him I didn't want anything from him, that I don't want to be with him anymore, that I just want to be there for him because I care. And he just said that no one is ever going to help him not even I. Now I'm feeling like crap and torn because I don't really know what to do.

Thank you so much for sharing your stories. My best friend also said some very similar things that both of you have said. Whenever I'm physically alone, I feel like calling him because that's what I used to do almost every day but I am trying my best to resist calling him. It's just so annoying having to deal with this because he's already hurt me enough and even when we're not together I'm still hurting because of him! For example, yesterday I was working on hw that was due by midnight and I had been at the computer lab for about 6 hours straight, I'm tired and stressing out because I don't understand the hw so well and while one of the tutors was helping me, I felt like breaking down in tears. I just felt like crying because I was just so overwhelmed with the schoolwork, I felt dumb because I didn't understand it, and because I have to deal with this heartache that weighs me down almost everyday. And earlier today, I was on my way to school and I almost had a panic attack. I have a history with having a panic disorder and agoraphobia. And Fall 2010 was the worst it's ever been and my ex boyfriend was always there for me. I haven't had a panic attack in a fairly good while now but today I almost had one and I was freaking out and starting to get scared so I called him and told him how I was feeling. He was listening and willing to stay on the phone with me. I just talked to him on the phone again. I told him that I think the reason why I was feeling anxiety was because of stress, feeling sad, and because it's starting to affect my body. And then he was like, "Why are you sad?" So I told him "Really, you don't know why I'm sad?" -____- I told him because I'm coming to terms with the fact that it's not going to work out between us anymore because I've been hurt too much and because I feel let down. And then he said something like "I'm also sad about that too because I feel like we're never going to be able to create happy moments like we used to" So I basically told him that I am planning on moving on and that's why I deleted him from facebook and that I am going to try my best to not contact him. And he said he understands. Yep. Now one of my biggest worries is falling into another cycle of panic attacks and agoraphobic thoughts. I should talk to my psychologist again because I am scared of falling into another cycle, it's debilitating and scary.

Your ex fiance sounds like my ex boyfriend. I just deleted him on facebook a while ago. I called him afterwards. I don't really know why, but I just did. I told him that I had a deleted him on facebook, he then said he didn't care. I told him I did it because I need some time off and I just keep going to his page, which doesn't help me at all, so I had to do something about it. But yeah, he was basically being a jerk about it. And I just finished crying a bit. I'm done. I've got other stuff to worry about and giving him more of my time is only holding me back from getting other stuff done. Thank you for listening. I really appreciate it

But how do I go about doing this? I've grown so accustomed and attached to him that it's tough to cut off all contact with him. It's sort of mind blowing to think about not having him in my future anymore. Because right now, I feel like I really do want to move on, grow, and live life without him. But a part of me wants to really grow older with him and share my future with him. But then I think about what if he does those things to me again? Like what if he recedes and closes himself up when things get tough again (because I am sure they will) and leaves me to pull us or myself out of the gutter. I don't want to deal with that again. I feel like I've taken on all this weight and responsibility to push him and ourselves forward and it's really tiring. I want someone who's also going to pull his weight when things get tough and discuss his troubles with me so that we can work on them together instead of simply breaking up with me so suddenly. I don't know, it's just so confusing and weird to me. I've never been through a breakup before since he's been my first and only boyfriend and we've been together for a fairly long time. I've also been his first and only girlfriend therefore I don't really think he knows how to deal with this.

Thank you so much for replying. I feel like I'm back in square one though. I was starting to feel better and in the past month he had been contacting me more often and saying really sweet things that would make me smile and what not. He seemed better and on a happier note since he was starting to come around again and romance me again. Then, during the last week of January I found out, through some petty argument between him and some girl on Facebook, that he had met up with a girl from high school back in October 2011, they talked, caught up on each other's lives, and kissed. The girl wrote on his wall and said something like "Do you really want me to say the things you've been doing lately and how you kissed me and wanted to keep it from Lily?!" At first I was just so hurt and I thought to myself "How could he do that to me behind my back? Especially since I've been there for him, gone out of my way for him to comfort him, and waiting for him like an idiot" I immediately messaged him through Facebook, he then called me, we talked for a long time and denied it, saying that he'd never do that to me, especially with her because she's a, excuse me, slut. I then believed him because that girl is known to cause drama and isn't quite a lady. But, about a day or two afterwards I messaged him late night and told him that I couldn't imagine someone writing stuff like that just to cause heartache and hurt someone, especially someone who she's never met (me). The next day he replied with a long message saying he had a guilty conscience, that they did kiss but that it was a "stupid, lame peck," that it didn't mean anything at all and that he couldn't believe that he "had just kissed a whore." He claimed that he felt so guilty right afterwards for doing so and that he wasn't thinking straight, was a spur of the moment kind of thing because he was feeling vulnerable and depressed and that he was giving him mixed feelings so it just happened. We talked again on the phone for a long time (we're in a long distance relationship, well, about 1.25 hrs away) and I asked him why he kept it from me and that even though we weren't officially together, it was still hurtful because he clearly knew how I felt about him and we were still being intimate at the time so to me, it felt like there were still strings attached. He said that he kept it from me because he was scared of how I'd react, that he feared that he'd really lose me and that he didn't want to hurt me. He cried a couple of times during all of this and asked me to forgive him plenty of times because he still loves me, but he also told me that if I don't want to talk to him anymore, that he'd understand and that ultimately, he wants the best for me even if it means moving on without him. For the most part, I forgave him because I don't doubt anything that he said. It still hurts though. I feel disrespected and in a way, betrayed. All of this happened about a month ago and ever since, he had been so attentive and sweet. He visited me this past 3 day weekend, we had a great time and even asked me to be his girlfriend again. I said no to him, though. I told him that a part of me really wants to be with him and make things work between us but that I also feel like we need to work on each other before we can commit to a relationship again. He agreed, said that it was reasonable, and seemed willing to work on himself so that he can be completely ready to commit to me again (which is something that surprised me because up until this point he had been pessimistic about his future and didn't care so much about improving himself). But, now, a week later, he kind of re-broke up with me and that's why I feel like I'm back in square one. He's being more uncertain again about us and his future. He's feeling down again and says that it really hurts him see his mom cry over his dad and says that that's his priority right now, taking care of his mom. I'm trying to be as understanding as I can but it's just so hard for me to try and put myself together again. It's just so hard because I don't necessarily doubt that he still loves me and cares for me but I can't hold on to that and hope that things will be much better again soon because it'll only keep me from moving on. And I even asked him today if we were officially single and he said yes, and also asked him "So I shouldn't wait for you and move on?" and he said yes. But yeah, I agree with you about telling him that I need to take a break from him and really limit my contact with him. I know that he'll be understanding but I'm just worried that I'm going to be the one needing him the most because I currently feel like I still need him by my side. I'm just too attached and it's hard to let go :/

Hello, My boyfriend of five years lost his father unexpectedly and suddenly about seven months ago. He also ended our romantic relationship six months ago. At first I was confused because I simply didn't understand why he would try to distance himself from me during a time like this. But after a while and after talking to him several times about the breakup, I began to grow more understanding of why he broke up with me and for a while, I was fine with that until very recently. For example, lately I've been feeling like I should really limit my contact with him or have no contact with him so that I can work on myself, focus on my goals, and try to move on with my life. However, I am confused about what to do because I feel like I should be there for him and knowing him, I feel like if I were to stop talking to him, he's going to want to completely shut me off of from his life, but in a hostile manner. And I simply don't know how to go about explaining this to him. Thank you in advance. I just need a space to vent since this is something that's tough for me to go through and I would love to speak to people who have been in similar situations.