Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

JeanieW

Contributor
  • Posts

    5
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by JeanieW

  1. Thank you all for your warm replies. Dave, I wasn't fully out before Emilee died. My family didn't know about me. That's a long, complicated story, so I won't go into it. But after she died, I felt like I had cheated her by not being honest with people about how much she meant to me. I didn't care anymore. I finally came out to my family. My dad hasn't spoken to me since I came out to him, but thankfully, the rest of my family has been supportive. I might talk to the Director of Nursing once I can feel her out a little better, but she is brand new and I don't know a thing about her. I'm not sure they'd give me any time anyway, seeing as how it has been 4 months since she has passed. I need to think on this more. Pam, I'm honestly surprised that I don't seem to have PTSD, they circumstances of her death were so sudden and horrific. No flashbacks, thank goodness, just nightmares. Those are bad enough. It is easy to be pulled into that grief, the smallest things can set me off on a crying frenzy. I just have no control and that's a hard thing for me. Susie, I believe that is the hardest thing for me, how suddenly she was gone. I did not expect it at all so it's still hard to accept that she is gone. Every once in a while I still wake up in the middle of the night, foggy headed, and reach over for her just to discover she is not there. I still can't accept that she is gone. I even find myself still doing little things for her that I did when she was alive, like buying her favorite candy bar. I have a stash of probably around 30 Whatchamacallit bars in my cabinet that I have bought since she died. I used to buy them for her all the time and I just can't seem to bring myself to stop buying them. My kids, who are all under the age of 11, keep asking if they can have them and I can't bring myself to let them eat even one. I feel like a crazy person sometimes. I wake up in the middle of the night and could swear that I feel her with me. I don't know, maybe she is or maybe I am just losing my mind. It almost feels like she is lying right next to me sometimes when I first wake up, but only for a second then it's gone. I still have a hard time not calling her number or texting her and when I post on her Facebook wall, I still almost wait for a response even though I know that is impossible. It's so hard to be in love with a dead woman. I just don't feel like I can do this anymore sometimes and it has only been 4 months, so how am I supposed to do it for the rest of my life?
  2. I am glad to hear that you are enjoying a moment where the grief is not so debilitating, I hope it is the beginning of a better emotional state for you. It's interesting to me that you kept his empty shampoo bottles. I kept similar things of Emilee's and people think that I have lost my mind and should throw them away, that it's just garbage. I'm glad to see that I am not the only person who kept such things. Again, glad to see you are finding a glimmer of peace. Take care. -Jeanie
  3. I can relate to this so much, especially the having to push myself through another so many years of functioning just to support myself and my kids. The thought of having to do this over and over again every day for the next however many years is exhausting. I think the same to myself every time I have to drag myself out of bed to go to work. My brain and body are just so tired, I want to stop the planet from spinning and just not have to move again. She was only 28 years old and I just turned 30. It's not fair, we had so many plans. It's just so hard not to feel angry and cheated. I wish I had some magical words to help heal your pain. Just know that we are here to lend an ear. -Jeanie
  4. Thank you all so much for the kind words, I appreciate them so much. I'd love to take some time off work, but I can't. I'm a nurse in a long term care facility, haven't been there long enough to accumulate vacation days. I would just ask for some bereavement time, but I live in an area where LGBT discrimination policy is not yet in place, I wouldn't want to out myself to the director of nursing and face the possibility of losing my job. It's hard though, I feel like I can barely function at work. If everything goes smoothly I can manage, but if someone's status changes and they have to go out, I panic and freeze. It's just hard to feel confident about anything at all anymore, since I was so confident that she and I had so much time together and I was wrong. All I can do is go in to work and take it as it comes. It's not always easy, I've broken down in my hall a few times and had to go take a prolonged break. Little things seem to trigger my grief and when it happens, holding back the tears is impossible.
  5. Hi all, newbie here. On August 16th of this year, my partner passed away. She was 28 years old, seemed to be healthy. She had a brain aneurysm that we were unaware of that ruptured. She died in my arms, before the ambulance even made it to the house. It was 3 weeks before our anniversary. I just can't get a grip on myself since she has passed. I'm so angry and sad all the time. I can't seem to maintain my relationships with others. I can't seem to follow through with the basic everyday things I need to do, such as chores. I am so close to quitting my job just because I can't deal with having to get out of bed to go. I drink too much because I want to feel numb. I just can't seem to function. She was everything to me, I don't know how to do life without her and I am so sick of waking up every morning to face another day alone.
  6. doesn't know what to do anymore.

×
×
  • Create New...