Thank you all for your warm replies.
Dave, I wasn't fully out before Emilee died. My family didn't know about me. That's a long, complicated story, so I won't go into it. But after she died, I felt like I had cheated her by not being honest with people about how much she meant to me. I didn't care anymore. I finally came out to my family. My dad hasn't spoken to me since I came out to him, but thankfully, the rest of my family has been supportive. I might talk to the Director of Nursing once I can feel her out a little better, but she is brand new and I don't know a thing about her. I'm not sure they'd give me any time anyway, seeing as how it has been 4 months since she has passed. I need to think on this more.
Pam, I'm honestly surprised that I don't seem to have PTSD, they circumstances of her death were so sudden and horrific. No flashbacks, thank goodness, just nightmares. Those are bad enough. It is easy to be pulled into that grief, the smallest things can set me off on a crying frenzy. I just have no control and that's a hard thing for me.
Susie, I believe that is the hardest thing for me, how suddenly she was gone. I did not expect it at all so it's still hard to accept that she is gone. Every once in a while I still wake up in the middle of the night, foggy headed, and reach over for her just to discover she is not there. I still can't accept that she is gone. I even find myself still doing little things for her that I did when she was alive, like buying her favorite candy bar. I have a stash of probably around 30 Whatchamacallit bars in my cabinet that I have bought since she died. I used to buy them for her all the time and I just can't seem to bring myself to stop buying them. My kids, who are all under the age of 11, keep asking if they can have them and I can't bring myself to let them eat even one.
I feel like a crazy person sometimes. I wake up in the middle of the night and could swear that I feel her with me. I don't know, maybe she is or maybe I am just losing my mind. It almost feels like she is lying right next to me sometimes when I first wake up, but only for a second then it's gone. I still have a hard time not calling her number or texting her and when I post on her Facebook wall, I still almost wait for a response even though I know that is impossible.
It's so hard to be in love with a dead woman. I just don't feel like I can do this anymore sometimes and it has only been 4 months, so how am I supposed to do it for the rest of my life?