mrg2

Harry, Your post really "hit home", and I found myself thinking, "Hey! I can do better than that!" Then, and almost immediately I backed off and wasn't sure I really wanted to share my rage. Now, often going to the professional medical/psych part of my brain, I remembered the therapeutic possibility of my spewing wrath. My husband Michael, my soulmate and the Love of My Life died December 18, 2011 after giving his all to survive a botched Left Lung Transplant at a Magnet Hospital. The two weeks following his surgery was a holy nightmare, and his attending physician had the audacity to later tell me: "I know you know you have all the symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)". It has been impossible to give up the loathing I feel toward the Transplant Team Staff and the hospital-such total disregard for humanity (just one example, my husband had visible open sores in and around his mouth from his ventilator tubes that staff ignored). My only daughter, beautiful and gorgeous wife and mother of four and exceptional Kindergarten teacher was diagnosed with oral cancer in July, 2012 (she never smoked, etc.). She had part of her tongue removed soon after and was told the the microscopic squamous cell carcinoma was small enough so that no further surgery was indicated. She continued to have trouble swallowing, tenderness in her neck and requested a second opinion that affirmed in January 2013 that a radical neck dissection was recommended. That surgery a few weeks ago revealed a large encapsulated cancerous lymph node. The surgery, due to the location resulted in some paralysis on that side of her face. She is now terrified that there is more cancer that has not yet been detected. She is hoping to return to her Kindergarteners half-time next week. I live alone with our dog Charlie, an adorable Irish Terrier who undoubtedly played a major role in getting me out of bed every morning after Michael died. She will be eleven years old next month, and has lived with a pacemaker for the last seven years. Shortly after Michael died, in February 2012 Charlie was attacked by a vicious neighbor dog, damaging her pacemaker and requiring surgery to have a new one placed. The neighbors, both nurses were mean and lied to officers about the incident. They never assumed any responsibility, nor expressed regret for the incident or offered sympathy for the loss of my husband! Currently Charlie is not doing well, frequently vomiting, and although I can not imagine her not being around, I will not put her through any more trauma - she is a dog, and she deserves to live a dog's life. There are, of course, additional experiences to support my current view of life: Life is not fair - bad people get away with doing bad things and there is no recourse for good people; really good people, who really have an impact, and who really help others, die unnecessarily or get horrible diseases, deeply altering countless lives of loved ones and any one affected. Of course my Adult ADHD is obvious-I have such difficulty giving you only "the facts." I apologize, and onetheless I don't talk to God anymore. If i do, it's to spew words like: "And you are punishing me by keeping me here to regard the pain of a husband losing his 42 y/o wife, and the four children growing up without a mother, and all those kindergarteners who love and admire their teacher, and on and on. I absolutely believed that each of us creates our reality; that all of those pious adages, affirmed over and over would grant me strength to grow with each "lesson" I encountered; that reframing negative experiences was a virtue; and that to trust in God, to have faith would be honored. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I feel like some kind of schmuck! OK, I get it now, I was wrong! I have stopped feeling...it is just better that way. I am so f------ tired of being beat up as well. I get that I have no control over most everything that has occurred, therefore it is best to hide out, to try to be invisible, to live to avoid the next occurrence . I do not want pity. I want to be left alone. I want to stop feeling the unimaginable pain. Life, you entrusted me with such joy, then abruptly and unjustly reclaimed it, and now you are nothing but hideous, and I am worn out. There are indeed legions of us damaged by our grave and consequential losses. That consideration is demoralizing. mrg2

Harry, I find myself looking forward to your posts...and I almost wish I could have met Jane. I say "almost" because IF I had, then I would just have another loss in my life...sounds so selfish. I know my husband Michael and I would have had some kind of connection with you and Jane, as a couple. You do indeed provide much wisdom in all of your posts, words I am fully able to connect with, and have some understanding of. It often feels like Michael leads me to your posts in very appropriate times, like, "Here Sweetheart, you are aching so much, I found a little something again to help shore you up for a bit." Towards the end of August of this year I attended a four-day retreat "Transforming Deep Loss" at the Mandala Center near Raton, New Mexico with Cheryl Eckl. This experience was life changing of course, in spite of my anticipated resistance, and now I am so ever grateful for it. Your wise philosophical posts follow, or are in tune to Cheryl's assertions of 'life moving on' as we all have begun to learn how the stream or river or whatever, will continue to carry us in the direction we are meant to go, and our resistance only wears us out...or something like that. I just want you to know how meaningful and helpful your posts are, and I thank you for that. Marge Rose

Oh, Thank You all! I spent my first full day with little Jack and he is a wild man. I can just see Michael grinning & saying something like, "There you go sweetie, that little guy is going to love you and keep you very busy!" Miss Charlie just keeps looking at me like, "Did you know he is such a wild little guy?" I mean, it is racing across the hardwoods and losing traction and tumbling headlong into a chair, and without any hesitation, up and at 'em going in the opposite direction. And, I can't believe this one, little 12 week old Jack watches TV...all of a sudden skidding to a stop, at the same time spinning around and immediately focused on the TV screen...he is a crazy little nut!! There is a lesson here...Jack & Charlie are being what they are supposed to be without stopping for any thing that could get in their way. They know one thing...how to be a dog, nothing else matters. I have to give this little lesson some more thought, because something is getting in MY way. Love, Marge

Harry, Oh my goodness! This is just amazing! My love Michael died 12/18 after an unsuccessful lung transplant. Whenever I read or heard something related to 'getting on with it' or one can be happy even after this devastating event, I would just scream, I was so angry. Then Charlie our little Irish Terrier got attacked by a neighbor dog 02/04, I will not go into what she went through and today she is healing beautifully-I could have not made it this far without her. Sunday I flew to Boston to pick up a little 12 week old Irish Terrier Jack. We got home last night and Charlie is loving Jack and vice versa, and I cannot tell you how many times already today I get those goose bumps and I know my face is smiling. AND I know, without a doubt that my Michael has orchestrated the whole puppy thing as it happened so crazy & so fast, way over the top, though. I just can hear him, "Sweetstuff, it is time to stop feeling so miserable. I know there will always be tears behind your eyes, and we laughed so very often, I want you to start doing that again, and this is the best way I know to help you right now!" THANK YOU HARRY! The sun is shining...the birds are singing--and I am, again, very hungry. LOVE, MARGE ROSE & CHARLIE & JACK

Thank You, each, for your valued support! I did not sleep a wink last night and so I think I will do better tonight. We (our dear & sweet little Miss Charlie Irish Terrier) are due to be up early to get to our daughter and son-in-law and four grandchildren's house in Castle Pines. I must say, going to the link provided, I am filled with more comfort, finding out about the support for pet loss. I (and Michael) are crazy dog lovers (I say with my hand over my heart). Our Irish Terrier Charlie is nine-and-a-half years old. She got a pacemaker up at CSU before she was five years old. I call her my terrier with batteries. We almost lost her this spring when she developed complications of all of her autoimmune diseases (colitis, lupus, idiopathic thrombocytopenia) - she is now on 7 medications twice a day, and still able to "be a DOG"! I learned at that time our little Charlie was inter-bred...I have not dealt with that anger. So I did not have to push the folks at Fairmount too much to let me take Charlie along to Michael's private family viewing earlier this week...I can talk about that experience another time. Anyway, I think what is happening now with her is that I am terrified of not having her with me. And of course she does not mind in the least. Our granddog in Castle Pines is a 110# yellow lab. And by the way, Michael was firm about having our previous darlings, Bob the dog and Radar the cat's ashes with his, PLUS Charlie's and mine (when the time comes). Michael would say he will just have a 'call to order' when we all get together. Good night! I am hoping that I will be able to provide this kind of comfort to others in need in the future. Warmly, Marge

I am just wondering if Michael found this web site for me, or if he led me to it...

Oh thank you for your kind words. I have been so angry tonight because I wanted/needed so much to talk with someone. I have not had the opportunity to debrief or process the two week hospital nightmare. And then I never got to talk with Michael during that time, and I want him to know that while he was fighting so valiantly & so bravely, I was doing everything I could to protect him & keep him safe, & I failed. And then it is also coming to the realization that I will NEVER have another Christmas Eve with him, and most of all, I do not know where he is right now, and I thought his spirit would "hang around" for a bit. My sister-in-law told me over the phone tonight, "we all agreed, that no one could think of any other couple who were such soul-mates." I was NOT done with him, and my heart hurts so much. May I please borrow your little heart quote? Marge (we were MRG2)

I know I have never experienced a feeling, physical, emotional, psychological like this in my long life. I have spent the last two years at home, side by side with the love of my life. The silence since last Sunday is deafening, and at times I think I am on the edge. It is Christmas Eve and, of course this was always just OUR special time together. I just do not want to be here!!!!!!!