hendrixx2

today i was given the opportunity to work on my faith in the future, for that i am grateful

hi melina, I too blieve I am of the introvert ilk; most of my time was spent with dw at home throughout our 40yrs together. We did our share of socializing and going to various functions, but basically it was she and I. We came to like certain common things and loved doing them together. My life also has taken on a definite 'silence' and it is a roaring silence. I agree with you, how do we get out there when that has not been a big part of our lives or part of our natural makeup? Do we have to change to that extent to survive this loss? I don't know. The loneliness you speak of is overwhelming for our types and I know it well, I too shuffle through the house and am aware of the presence of absence. 3-1/2 months ago this all came upon me and I understand that it is still early, but even so, I can see that if I don't try to find some other ways to live, this life will become a session of 'just waiting' and I really don't want that. I don't think dw would want that for me either. I have attempted to refocus on the personal things I enjoy and have opened myself to other interests. Not so much 'going out' to mix and being social, but trying to find other things I might like to concentrate on. I am not so sure that I can change my personality, actually I am trying to find and understand just what 'my' personality is without my partner; I am sure it's there, just buried under the layers of my life with her. There was a 'me' before I met dw, not a fully developed me, and surely not the me I am now, I think I have to try and embrace that me and blend it with the person I became as a result of living and loving dw. As i say, I don't know the answer, I am just using this as a starting point in an effort to live forward. wishing peace healing to you,

hi mik, Happy Birthday! sorry you're feeling so sad today, i'm sure your Dragon made your birthdays so special and that is why you're feeling the loss so deeply today. feel sorry for yourself in you need to, losing someone so so special is something to be sorry about. wishing peace and healing to you...

thank you mfh, that animal really gets around...

hi mfh, thanx, needed that today...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARTY!

hi mik, So sorry for the pain you're feeling now, your post expresses what I have felt many times now and expresses it with great clarity for me. You have described my feelings exactly; will I be happy again? can I ever again enjoy the common things some of us take for granted. I've been using Donna's car for the past few weeks, and at first I could not listen to the station she had it set to without breaking into tears, it reminded me too much of the many times we had been together in that car. Like you, the sadness I feel sometimes is just incredible, and slams home the fact that she is gone. I too miss the physical aspects of our lives together and am still muddled as to a suitable solution; mabey it will come for us, mabey not, I just don't know. Truly sorry you're going through this now and am praying for some peace for you. Take care of yourself and know that all here can understand what you're going through. praying for all those still suffering,

Hi Kimberly, I for one don't think you're crazy, perhaps it was just meant to be that you saw that flower at that time. I'm glad you could find some measure of comfort in believing that it was sent by your special someone, and, who can say it was not? It is great that you can save that moment. I hope someday that the same thing might happen for me and I too can have some special sign from my Donna to save and savor at some future date. wishing the best for you and praying for all those still suffering,

Hi mfh, Glad you can have some peace on Bill's birthday, you're right it IS his birthday, and you shared so many. As you're doing, I hope one day to be able remember Donna's without too much pain. That poem is so thoughtful and sincere, thank you for sharing it. praying for all those still suffering,

Than you mfh for sharing those thoughts, at this point in my journey (3 mo) I can't even think of being able to concentrate long enough on anything else other than the hurt I'm feeling. Your paintings capture my current emotions perfectly. Your posts have helped me to realize that I may just make it through this after all, again, thanks...

Thanks amw, your words are appreciated As you say, I am trying to move forward with faith...wishing you the best, Praying for all those still suffering,

Thanx Mary, I see now this journey has to be on our own terms. We had a deep, singularly personal relationship with our partners so this grief too, has to be both deep and singularly personal. (my reference is to a post in another thread i believe...) Praying for all those still suffering

Thank you Mary for your kind words of encouragement, you are in my prayers. I have maintained constant contact with my recovery support system because as I stated in a previous post, i have to remember that above all else my first responsibility is to my sobriety. I almost lost sight of that during the early days of this loss with all the pain and confusion. Not to the point of taking a drink, but rather by not remembering that it has to number one in my life. To be totally honest, we talked about this a lot, and along with our family, I'm sure it was a concern of hers and them. I hope she was reassured, I don't know...but I knew that no matter what happened I couldn't drink. Although this is the toughest thing I have ever been through, I can't drink for a variety of reasons, in spite of recent events, I prefer not to drink for my own selfish reasons, I don't want to feel that pain again! When I first returned home from treatment I explained to the familly that I might have to leave them if i found that I was unable to live with them and maintain sobriety. I understood all that it meant, and I was willing to do it if necessary; In my case it had been suggested that I had to be willing to give up anything for sobriety including them. My support system offers all the things you mentioned and they are a comfort. As I have said, I know I truly have been blessed, even through the disease of alcoholism, because through it, I have found some tools to use during this time. Praying for those still suffering

Hello Melina, thank you for your thoughts, Yes, i know it's early and that the thoughts and emotions I have today will probably be a lot different in six months or a year, some of them anyway. You nailed it, i do feel 'diminished' because of her loss in spite of all of the gifts she left me, tangible and intangible. And yes, this group has brought much comfort. The suggestions offered here have been a gift I had not expected. As for my strength, that's something still up for debate, as up to the point I was relieved, my strength had not done me much good in the area of drinking; now, as then I'm trying to call on some power greater than myself to help me through. Having been restored to some degree of sanity once by this power helps me to remember that these current turbulent times are only temporary, it's just so hard getting through them...so hard and lonely right now. Praying for all those still suffering,

Thank you kayc, you have expressed perfectly what I needed to get at. Intellectually I know there is an 'I', it never went anywhere. Mabey the concept of 'I' has been submerged for so long, that now we do need to get 'reacquainted' with it. The pain of peeling away the layers of 'we' to get the 'I' is almost unbearable, with each layer delivering another stunning blow of realization, another barrage of emotions I had not experienced in some time, if ever. Prayng for all those still suffering,