hendrixx2

today i was given the opportunity to work on my faith in the future, for that i am grateful

hi melina, I too blieve I am of the introvert ilk; most of my time was spent with dw at home throughout our 40yrs together. We did our share of socializing and going to various functions, but basically it was she and I. We came to like certain common things and loved doing them together. My life also has taken on a definite 'silence' and it is a roaring silence. I agree with you, how do we get out there when that has not been a big part of our lives or part of our natural makeup? Do we have to change to that extent to survive this loss? I don't know. The loneliness you speak of is overwhelming for our types and I know it well, I too shuffle through the house and am aware of the presence of absence. 3-1/2 months ago this all came upon me and I understand that it is still early, but even so, I can see that if I don't try to find some other ways to live, this life will become a session of 'just waiting' and I really don't want that. I don't think dw would want that for me either. I have attempted to refocus on the personal things I enjoy and have opened myself to other interests. Not so much 'going out' to mix and being social, but trying to find other things I might like to concentrate on. I am not so sure that I can change my personality, actually I am trying to find and understand just what 'my' personality is without my partner; I am sure it's there, just buried under the layers of my life with her. There was a 'me' before I met dw, not a fully developed me, and surely not the me I am now, I think I have to try and embrace that me and blend it with the person I became as a result of living and loving dw. As i say, I don't know the answer, I am just using this as a starting point in an effort to live forward. wishing peace healing to you,

hi mik, Happy Birthday! sorry you're feeling so sad today, i'm sure your Dragon made your birthdays so special and that is why you're feeling the loss so deeply today. feel sorry for yourself in you need to, losing someone so so special is something to be sorry about. wishing peace and healing to you...

thank you mfh, that animal really gets around...

hi mfh, thanx, needed that today...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARTY!

hi mik, So sorry for the pain you're feeling now, your post expresses what I have felt many times now and expresses it with great clarity for me. You have described my feelings exactly; will I be happy again? can I ever again enjoy the common things some of us take for granted. I've been using Donna's car for the past few weeks, and at first I could not listen to the station she had it set to without breaking into tears, it reminded me too much of the many times we had been together in that car. Like you, the sadness I feel sometimes is just incredible, and slams home the fact that she is gone. I too miss the physical aspects of our lives together and am still muddled as to a suitable solution; mabey it will come for us, mabey not, I just don't know. Truly sorry you're going through this now and am praying for some peace for you. Take care of yourself and know that all here can understand what you're going through. praying for all those still suffering,

Hi Kimberly, I for one don't think you're crazy, perhaps it was just meant to be that you saw that flower at that time. I'm glad you could find some measure of comfort in believing that it was sent by your special someone, and, who can say it was not? It is great that you can save that moment. I hope someday that the same thing might happen for me and I too can have some special sign from my Donna to save and savor at some future date. wishing the best for you and praying for all those still suffering,

Hi mfh, Glad you can have some peace on Bill's birthday, you're right it IS his birthday, and you shared so many. As you're doing, I hope one day to be able remember Donna's without too much pain. That poem is so thoughtful and sincere, thank you for sharing it. praying for all those still suffering,

Than you mfh for sharing those thoughts, at this point in my journey (3 mo) I can't even think of being able to concentrate long enough on anything else other than the hurt I'm feeling. Your paintings capture my current emotions perfectly. Your posts have helped me to realize that I may just make it through this after all, again, thanks...

Thanks amw, your words are appreciated As you say, I am trying to move forward with faith...wishing you the best, Praying for all those still suffering,

Thanx Mary, I see now this journey has to be on our own terms. We had a deep, singularly personal relationship with our partners so this grief too, has to be both deep and singularly personal. (my reference is to a post in another thread i believe...) Praying for all those still suffering

Thank you Mary for your kind words of encouragement, you are in my prayers. I have maintained constant contact with my recovery support system because as I stated in a previous post, i have to remember that above all else my first responsibility is to my sobriety. I almost lost sight of that during the early days of this loss with all the pain and confusion. Not to the point of taking a drink, but rather by not remembering that it has to number one in my life. To be totally honest, we talked about this a lot, and along with our family, I'm sure it was a concern of hers and them. I hope she was reassured, I don't know...but I knew that no matter what happened I couldn't drink. Although this is the toughest thing I have ever been through, I can't drink for a variety of reasons, in spite of recent events, I prefer not to drink for my own selfish reasons, I don't want to feel that pain again! When I first returned home from treatment I explained to the familly that I might have to leave them if i found that I was unable to live with them and maintain sobriety. I understood all that it meant, and I was willing to do it if necessary; In my case it had been suggested that I had to be willing to give up anything for sobriety including them. My support system offers all the things you mentioned and they are a comfort. As I have said, I know I truly have been blessed, even through the disease of alcoholism, because through it, I have found some tools to use during this time. Praying for those still suffering

Hello Melina, thank you for your thoughts, Yes, i know it's early and that the thoughts and emotions I have today will probably be a lot different in six months or a year, some of them anyway. You nailed it, i do feel 'diminished' because of her loss in spite of all of the gifts she left me, tangible and intangible. And yes, this group has brought much comfort. The suggestions offered here have been a gift I had not expected. As for my strength, that's something still up for debate, as up to the point I was relieved, my strength had not done me much good in the area of drinking; now, as then I'm trying to call on some power greater than myself to help me through. Having been restored to some degree of sanity once by this power helps me to remember that these current turbulent times are only temporary, it's just so hard getting through them...so hard and lonely right now. Praying for all those still suffering,

Thank you kayc, you have expressed perfectly what I needed to get at. Intellectually I know there is an 'I', it never went anywhere. Mabey the concept of 'I' has been submerged for so long, that now we do need to get 'reacquainted' with it. The pain of peeling away the layers of 'we' to get the 'I' is almost unbearable, with each layer delivering another stunning blow of realization, another barrage of emotions I had not experienced in some time, if ever. Prayng for all those still suffering,

Hope you are doing well kayc, your reassurances give me hope. The reference to carrying our loved ones in our hearts in a previous post in this thread is one of the first things i remember seeing at the bottom of one of mfh's post; I intend to ask her if i may borrow it from time to time. I have seen you mention it more than once also. As the days pass and i face more I than WE things, it appears to be getting better, or mabey I'm just beginning to understand it better. Either way, life is moving forward and for the time being, carrying me with it. It is truly a comfort to be able to come here. It's been a strange day, no major waves or anything, just something like a dull roar in the background reminding me that something is changed, different, something is very different. Mabey this is just what a new life sounds like. again, thanx for your words praying for all those who are suffering

Thank you Susie Q, your words strike a chord with me; I'm trying to recognize that I am overwhelmed above all else by the We/Me transition. I don't want to think in terms of me after 39 years of we, that is foreign, almost unknown to my mind. I want the 'we'll be there...', 'yes, we can make it...', that's what I should be saying. It crushes me that those phrases no longer seem to apply for me. Assembling these pieces into a new life is a tough chore. The instructions are unclear to me, and, in my present state of mind how well can it be put together? It is said that you should keep some part of yourself for yourself when your're in a relationship. But my parts became her parts, and her parts became my parts, and at some point it became 'our' parts. 'We', turned around and upside down becomes 'Me', and it really does become ME at this time, turned all around and upside down. It all becomes too much to take in, too much to think about right now. Thank you for your reply, praying for all those suffering

Thank you kayc for sharing your kind words & wisdom, the are truly appreciated. I can only imagine the storm of worry and uncertainty that job loss and the prospect of moving might have. Along with carrying this shroud of extreme sadness over the loss of our loved ones, we must still stress through the practical considerations of just living and all that entails. Because of the time frame involved I did have some time to ponder what this time might be like. Making the coffee I would think '...one day you'll only have to make half as much...', or lying in the bed, I would look over and try to imagine her not being there. I don't remember crying at those times, just shaking my head and pushing the thoughts to the back of my mind. I knew that I could not truly imagine what this time would be like and I was right. As I stated in another post, after it happened I felt as though I had been ambushed. Not just by Donna's death, but by my mind and by the feelings and emotions that have me in such turmoil now. I might be going crazy, I don't know, but I'm not going to worry about it. This aura of bewilderment, uncertainty, and confusion has me scrambling for answers to questions I never even considered in my wildest imagination. After lurking on several forums I decided to post to this one because as I read through the posts, I sensed a tone of sincerity that touched me deeply. Truly glad I found it. praying for all those still suffering...

As i consider this new life, this life without my partner I am beginning to realize the true depth of what is ahead. Every aspect of how I will think and live is being affected; affected not only by her loss, but by the way the pattern of our life had developed to this point. There's no need to bring a lot of the old ways of thinking with me, it's simply not needed, almost all of that stuff was 'our' stuff, going forward it has to be 'my' stuff. I'm having a difficult time grasping that concept for I have thought in the 'we' for so long. For the first time since being in the war (1970) i am truly feeling real fear. It had been a struggle for me keep perspective, or to intergrate it into what is to be done next. How to deal with all the emotions I am feeling at this time, how to calm the fears and face the future of just me. Two days ago as i sat alone, crying, saying 'why me', I was reminded of my miracle. That's right, 'my' miracle; 21 years ago as i sat in a basement contemplating removing myself from this world because I had become a hopeless alcoholic, I begged whatever God there was for help and that prayer was answered. It wasn't the prayer of help me stop drinking for Donna, or for the children, or so that I could keep a job. Those things never entered my mind, I was begging for 'my' relief, for 'my' sanity for 'my' life, it was the height of selfishness. That miracle happened in my life and made the next 20 years with Donna possible. This reminded me that my first order of business is to keep me sober. For me, from that point on, all else flows. I am truly grateful that Donna knew I was sober as she drew her last breaths. It hurts, I'm scared, seemingly lost, awash in feelings totally new to me. Perhaps the transition to this 'new life' can be made easier if I remember my faith and where to place my trust. Hope this all makes sense, wanted to put this in print, trying to figure this all out one step at a time. It's early for me I know (11/08/11), but I feel so overwhelmed at times, so lost. praying for all who are suffering

Hi kayc, Sorry to read you are in such pain, you have expressed many of the same thoughts and questions that occupy much of my time these days. For myself I have only begun to deal with the churning emotions they bring to mind. Those emotions surrounding the fact that yes, that special voice is not here and you feel the pain of that loss. Having to deal with all the decisions, make all of the choices, determine which of the various ways to best deal with a given situation...I can only imagine how, even at 6-1/2 years that pain can still strike a spasms of fear and uncertainty. These can be overwhelming when you have almost always had another voice to respond, to go over the finer details of things with, no matter how large or small. At least that's how it's going for me. Being so raw, I can only share with you what I have started telling myself; that the price of having the blessing of my partner in my life is that I must be willing to accept that at some point, I may have to deal with these things. Moreover, in the scheme of life, I have had a turn (mabey not my only one!), others must have their turn too. It sounds so simple, so trite when put like that, it doesn't take into account the accompanying memories, hopes, joys, promises and emotions that are involved. This may just be my way of dealing the present wave of grief, mabey its something i'm using to get through till tomorrow, I really don't know. Just something to help us escape this feeling of dread and loss all of the time. What i'm trying to get at is that I can relate to where you are, and I wish for answers for you. As I said those same thoughts and questions are pummeling me now and there's no answer for me in sight. praying peace for us, all of us

Thank you kayc & mfh for your kind words. Where to begin...introduction eh, my name is Fred, & on the first day of summer in 1966 I met the person who created the greatest ripple to ever pass through my life; greater even than the current waves of grief I am now enduring. There's a phrase from a song i love that describes it perfectly: 'you were passing me by when you caught my eye...I have never seen a dream go walking like the way you did that day, stole my heart away, please keep it dear till we're old and gray...' Well, she did and she did, stole my heart and kept it. From that day in 1966 until she passed, we were involved in some way every day (my going overseas not withstanding). We married and had 3 wonderful children, Donna made a fine home for us where ever that might be. I can truly say she was at the top of the list in thinking of others and in putting me first...I'll miss that about her. There is no doubt in my mind that i have been blessed with having had her in my life and I am grateful for that. The current sea of pain and confusion I find myself in is scary (read different, new) and unwanted. Understanding that life goes on, that the wheel must come full circle, that this is the natural order of things, that everybody gets a turn,does very little to ease the magnitude of the loss or the depth of the pain. I'm (in no particular order) sad, angry, lost, shocked, dumbfounded, scared, hurt...I could go on, but i believe all of you here know what I mean. Needed to put this down in writing, needed to see the words on the page, mabey to help me accept the facts of the situation, to understand that yes, it really happened. Some days I cry, some days I just think about our life together. I hesitate to say i want her back only because I would not want her to have to endure the pain & misery of the illness. For years my prayers ended with 'Your will, not mine, be done', these are the times that the faith in what you say you believe is challenged; I've been saying it, now I need to act like I truly believe it. It is tough, the toughest thing I've ever done in my life. It never occurred to me that I would be so sad and lonely. My best wishes goes out to all those suffering, and you are in my prayers.

Donna & i knew each other for 45+ years, we were marred 40 of those years. On November 8, 2011 she passed; Having been diagnosed in '07 we did have some time to purposely make memories. Being on home hospice the last few weeks, our three adult children, her sister and I were by her side to the end. The people she needed to see in those last days, she saw. The immediate shock and disbelief can be crippling; the sense of the future, foggy and uncertain. The greatest gift she gave to me was her caring nature, me, being naturally contrary and selfish was able to pick up some of that caring, and i think it made me a better person. Our children have been wonderful as has her sister; we began supporting each other intensely before Donna died, & continue to do so now, but for me, the sense of despair is sometimes overwhelming. Donna is my baby, my partner, the woman i truly came to love more each day we were together. Sure, our marriage had it's ups and downs, buy the ups really do outweigh the downs. It is my decision that she will always be with me, at my side, only a thought away. It gives me great comfort to come to this forum and read the lessons of the journeys of others through this and see just how they are coping with their loss. My sympathy goes out to all those who are suffering. My faith leads me to believe it will get better. pax, h2