long goodbye

Hi, Beth. I just posted for the first time on this forum yesterday, looking for a way to express myself too.. I lost my Dad as well, also to a long illness where we knew the end was coming. The responses to my post were very helpful, and I'd like to share them with you. I was basically assured that there is no "right way" to grieve. There is no set period of time, after which you are supposed to just go back to the way you were before. No one should be telling you how you should react. For me, it's been the opposite. I am not as emotional as other people think I should be, so it seems like I don't care. The important thing is that you were able to be there for your dad in a way no one else in the family was. You were strong for him when he needed you to be, and you have earned the right to release all those emotions now. There seems to be a fallacy about the stages of grief. People expect anyone grieving to experience each stage, in order, and then move on with their lives. Well, everyone is different and no one should feel guilty about the way they are feeling. I'm so sorry that you lost your father. There are no words to make the pain easier, but I hope it helps a little knowing that you are not alone. My father passed away three months ago, and it's still very surreal. Please don't let anyone make you feel like you should "get it together" and move on. Only you know the best way for you to mourn. I hope you find this site as helpful as I did. Welcome.

Thank you to all for replying. Everything said was helpful and comforting, but there were several things that really hit home... first was "this isn't the movies." I hadn't thought about where I was getting the belief that I should have a huge emotional breakdown from, but I'm sure you're right and that's part of it. Movies always depict crying as moment of healing release, but who's to say that's right for me? In the links you gave me, Marty, it talked about instrumental mourners. Having a name put to how I am reacting is oddly comforting. I know it changes nothing, but it's nice to know that it's so common, it has a name. All the reading I did online did not turn that up, so I really appreciate it. I have spoken over the phone with a member of a Hospice support group, but with everything going on I have not been able to connect with them. I also feel hesitant to meet in a group setting. My mother joined a group and has been telling me about it. It is very emotional and draining, which is good for her, but not what would make me comfortable enough to open up. I find that the more emotional people around me become, the more emotionless I become. My husband is very emotional, (I married someone just like my mom!), and the more stressed and upset, or sad he gets, the more I detach. The same with my mother and brother. So I don't know if a group therapy session will help...? Thank you for saying there is no "should." Intellectually I know that, but when I see everyone around me breaking down, it's hard sometimes not to wonder what's wrong with me for not. PS, even reading this back to myself, I'm being all clinical!

This is my first post, after having searched the internet for a long while trying to find some answers. Back story - my father passed away after fighting cancer for 4 years. He and I were very close, both more pragmatic and down to earth, while my mother and brother tend to be emotional and erratic. My father was the anchor in the chaos that is the rest of the family. I went home to help my mom take care of him for the last two months, leaving behind my husband. It was slightly suprising when he passed, the doctors had thought he would have several more weeks. I helped my mom with all the arrangements, (we'd done a lot beforehand), did the funeral and burial without shedding a tear. We went through all of his things, cleaned the house, all that needed to be done. I came back to my husband and son, jumping right back into the bankruptcy we were going through, and moving to a new house. It has now been three months since my father passed. I still feel nothing about it. I feel nothing about the bankruptcy or the move. It's not that I'm depressed or sad, it just seems like everyday is another day to get through, more things that need to get done. I am sleeping a lot more then I should be, and have lost some weight, but that seems to be more related to how busy we are. I guess what I want to know is if this is normal? Should I be doing something to force an emotional outpouring? I know I loved my Dad, I don't doubt that at all. I don't feel like I'm trying to push everything down... but then when I was cleaning, I found a note from him that he wrote to me when he was first diagnosed. I read it, I was glad I still had it, but a part of me feels like there should have been more of a reaction then that. I've read that people sometimes emotionally disassociate after a death to deal with practicalities... but what if that doesn't go away? Sorry so long and rambling, just trying to get everything of my head out.