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alone now

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Everything posted by alone now

  1. Thanks Kayc, I am hoping the pills the doctor has given me now will 'kick in' soon. They aren't addictive but I have been told to take them for 6 months minimum and then if I am better get off them gradually. I am getting there slowly, some days better than others and crying at the drop of a hat sometimes but I am told that is normal. I still feel I may see him again one day and can't get rid of that feeling. I am still bound up with legal paperwork which I find most depressing but it has to be done. I hope your days improve and send you all my best wishes.
  2. ~Well Kayc I tried typing but had to give up after one paragraph as I just couldn't see and carry on, I was crying too much. I will keep trying as I want to record the events of the last few awful months even if only for me. I still don't know whether to get some anti-depressants as I get so very low sometimes, but also having had experience of them at a young age I know that they can also do harm. I have been told that these days there are some aren't addictive so perhaps I will go that route = just a helping hand. Unfortunately our daughter who was here at the time of Steve's illness has already started taking some to help her. She did go through an awful experience with us and I know she is having a hard time getting over it all. Do other people constantly talk to their bereaved ones like I do? I hope so and that I am not truly on the road to madness. It helps to talk to him. At least I know my forgetfulness is normal so that is a relief. I think perhaps we all wonder if we are going to be okay in the future and what the future will hold for us. It will Iknow be rather lonely for me as friends cannot be with me 24hours as Steve was. I thought that as our anniversary date is coming up this month I would ask friends to come out to lunch and we can toast Steve as well. Irealise that the evening will be bad as usual but at least during the day Ican have some company to help me. I hope people continue to reply on this thread as I do find it helps me a lot so thak you for yours. Wishing you a good day.
  3. Well my birthday came and went. Painful most of the time but with friends I went out to lunch and had a nice meal in a lovely setting. The couple of hours we were there I could manage but when I was alone it was bad. I know Steve would have wanted me to enjoy the day but without him it all seems so empty. You are right about the gutwrenching pain but I also am contending with back pain again and have arranged to go to get it checked at the hospital today. Please let it be something muscular and that it will get better soon. I am trying just to take each day as it comes and some days are better than others. I wanted to go to visit Steve yesterday but apologised to him as I didn't dare try getting into a rowing boat with my back as it is, so hopefully I will be okay to go next week. I do tend to forget things, what I want in shops, where I have put something, what I got up to do - and take it that this is all part of the grieving process, either that or I am going slowly mad! The other morning I could hardly get out of bed with the back pain and just felt like leaving this country and going back to the UK but if I did that the authorities would come looking for me as I have the company problems to get sorted. I just don't know what I want to do in the future and can't even envisage a future really as yet. Sometimes I wake up and it all seems normal and I expect to hear or see Steve and then it hits me that it will never happen again - which is another great shock. The next thing I have to get through is our anniversary - that will be another very difficult day I suppose. I am sorry I seem to be rambling a bit but it is just how I feel - mixed up, in pain mental and physical and so depressed sometimes I just want to stop everything. It does help to type it all out and I started yesterday to continue my journal but couldn't get very far at all. I want to rrecord all that happened in the last 4 or 5 months since I last wrote but it is so very painful and I end up not being able to see to do it. I intend to do a few lines now and again and hope that it all gets done eventually and I can just record daily as I used to. It is most odd that I can't recall things in chronological order so it sill be a jumble of 'happenings' - althoug I have so many journals I do wonder if they will ever be read when I am gone. Does anyone else keep journals? I have always loved writing, drawing, painting etc anything I can put on paper - except all these forms that I am constantly filling in of course. The paperwork and legalities I have been told are going to take a minimum of 15 months in this country as the law is so different and courts etc slow to do anything. So I have to just get on with it but have many times when it seems all way to much. I wish you all a better day. Sandra
  4. thank you all for your kind replies. Tomorrow is my 65th birthday and we had planned to go away for a few days but now I am dreading it really. The more this night goes on the sadder I am becoming because I can't really celebrate it without Steve. I am supposed to be going out for lunch with a friend but the evening is what Iam dreading. Hopefully friends and family will call and I can talk to them. How did you all cope with the first birthday/anniversary/Christmas etc? Our anniversary follows on 20th March and we would have been married 36 years - wonderful, happy years with only a fewe ups and downs. God how I wish he was still here.
  5. I found visiting the grave a most harrowing emotional experience and am glad that I had two dear friends with me for support. I am glad I have been and I am sure the first time must be the worst so hope to go regularly now. It is not something I had ever thought of = to go and visit my husband's grave. I don't think many people ever wonder what it will be like as you are too happy together to comtemplate such an awful time. Yes I know exactly how you feel. I have in my will no cremation but as I want to be with my husband when I 'go' and I don'tknow whether I will be in Turkey or the UK when it happens I have decided to change my will to read that if in Turkey I will be buried but if in England then cremation, so that the family can take my ashes and bury them with Steve. At least I know I will be with him eventually. Also my family will have the opportunity to bisit when they go to Turkey. I am sorry you have no 'focal point' but perhaps you could make a sort of shrine in your garden or somewhere which would help you. Life is odd starting to live alone after so many years as you say. For some reason the thought comes into my mind that I will phone him or he is coming home soon - minds play funny tricks. Iwish you all the best and it does help to post on here I find.
  6. I go to visit my husband's grave this morning, I am have a feeling of dread on the one hand and relief on the other. It is something I want to do and don't want to do. I haven't been able to visit before due to health problems and the weather. To get there I have to go in a row boat across the river. It is alovely graveyard below the King's Tombs and we always said what a lovely resting place that would be. I think taking a pill when having a hard day is a good idea and my back does let me know when I have done enough, so I have to rest it. I am looking forward to a good result when I have my check up in May and being allowed to use my scooter and perhaps go to yoga etc. Yoga was always a great help tome mentally and physically. I wish you all a good day.
  7. So I am glad to be able to communicate with you all again. I am of course still unpacking and things are still going wrong - paperwork for phone, internet, water, electric etc - all things that Steve used to deal with bless him and I hadn't a clue! My back was really bad on moving day and I had to wear my brace all day, but it isn't too bad now. It tells me when I am overdoing things so that I have to rest it. I am going to go to the doctor's for some anti-depressants as I feel so low in the evenings especially, that I feel I can't really cope with all this. Ialso have the accountant for the business on the phone asking me to go and see him, which I can't do yet. It appears that if I don't sell the stock we have and the company closes I loose it all. So I am trying to sell it at a knock down price - just to get back what we paid really. The paperwork seems to go on and on and doesn't help with daily life at all. I am still crying every night and day, I just can't stand the thought of not ever seeing him again for years. It all hurts so much. At least now I don't feel so cut off from the world and I can talk to family in the UK. But I can't say all I feel as I know they would worry too much and keep on at me to go back there to live. That is something I can't do yet even if I wanted due to all the legal 'problems'. My apartment is nice, will be better when all is sorted of course. I havelovely views of mountains and citrus fields and friends close by. I just can't imagine anything getting that much better or feeling any better. This Sunday I am going to cross the river to the graveyard to visit Steve - on the one hand it feels awful and on the other I feelglad that Ican do so. I am going with some friends that I feel very comfortable with as they will be good support. Idon't really relish looking at a mound of earth and knowing that he is there and not with me. Does it help to go? I feel I need to but am not sure how I will be when there. I hope you are all getting on with your new lives but know you will be struggling at times. Good to be backwith you.
  8. Well I am up so early, didn't sleep well as the move was on my mind. Thank you all for your surrport and I hope to be able to get online sometimes soon. I feel in a way that I am leaving my husband as he won't have set foot in the apartment I have rented. It is good that I am moving as the memories of him when he was so ill won't be haunting me every time I go into the bathroom or bedroom. I am hoping that one day the good memories will come to the fore and the bad ones receded. I doubt I will ever forget them but if only the good memories wer 'up front' I would have those to see in my mind. I spoke with one the our daughters last night and we were both crying at the same time. She asked if I minded talking of Steve and I said that I wold rather really talk about him than not. She had been avoiding it but now won't. I had thought she was back to her normal life but she isn't, she is having conselling one to one as I am having counselling with you all. She apparently spent the first 2 sessions just crying which is probably good as it gets it all out. I do wish she wasn't suffering so much but at the same time I am glad that I can talk to her so freely. So now I wait for the removal men and put the computer away. Hopefully I will not be cut off from everyone for too long. Kay there is no library for miles and miles but perhaps I can get to an internet cafe. Good luck to you all.
  9. Thank you Harry, I know that the people who post on here are kind and have experienced or still are doing so,what I am going through. I did loss 28lb in 2 months but I have learnt that I have to eat properly as I have diabeties and during the time at the hospital with my Husband I experienced my first 'hypo', not pleasant at all and dangerous if not treated. I have not been walking lately due to packing ready to move tomorrow. Unfortunately I may be offline for up to a month, but hope to catch up with you all when I can. If I go to a friends I can use their internet so maybe I will have time to read your posts. It does help to be able to post whatever I want to you all. Iknow that everything I say is understood and it is helping me. I wish you all peace and take care of yourselves.
  10. Thank you Kay, it is better knowing that other people have gone through, or are going through the same thing. I have put off dealing with the closure of our business. I can't do it alone and the Turkish law means I can't sell it as my husband's signature is needed!!!! I will see about all that after I have settled a bit in the new apartment. The accountant lives a 4 hour drive away so it means I have to hire a car that a friend can drive and it is along day. I am hoping the paperwork can be sorted in a day but knowing this country I doubt it. We did so love living here and I am not sure whether I will stay or go back to England. Of course the family want me to go back but |I can't decide on that yet, one day my mind is one way and the next the other. All very confusing but that seems to be life at the moment. I think the letters are a wonderful idea and one I might poach from you in due course. I talk to Steve a lot and sometimes hear in my mind his voice. It takes ages typing this as I have to keep stopping to wipe eyes/nose! I am sure you have done the same. Emails to friends, especially those abroad that haven't heard and send asking how we both are, are very difficult and takes me a long time to reply. I suppose it is a good job I can't go back to England on a whim - the business and inheritance legalities will keep me here for at least a year. I can't afford to fly there and back to keep signing papers and seeing lawyers etc. I will never stop loving and needing Steve and as you say the crying will calm down with time I suppose. We had a good life together and were obviously meant to be together, as time proved. I just so wish he was still here with me to enjoy many more years. Life is so cruel at times isn't it? Thank you again, Sandra Thank you all for your support, I appreciate being able to 'talk' to you all. I hope you all get through this and with the help of each other I am think we may.
  11. Thank you all for your helpful and understanding replies. When I got up this morning I suddenly realised that Steve won't be coming home anymore. Of course floods of tears followed that revelation but I know now that I have to somehow just get on with it - it being life of some sort. I doubt the pain will ever leave or the constant missing him. I used to keep a journal and everything we did and everywhere we went was recorded. I stopped when we wer in the hospital for the last 3 days of his life. One day I hope to continue but first I will have to have the courage and mood (?) to record the past few months. I had thought that my back problems were muscle related and had continued to help Steve, pushing the wheelchair and doing the daily jobs. It wasn't until I had spasms (which the hospital doctors said were like the ones in the film The Exorcist) that I went to the hospital. After MRI and X rays I was told I had been walking around continuing with all I had to do with a broken vertebrae. I was operated on the nexst day wilst my husband lay in the morgue of the same hospital. It was an awful experience as I had to have only local anaesthetic to ensure I could move my legs and feet whilst they operated. thank goodness it went well because 2 days after leaving the hospital I went to Steve's funeral. Now with moving on Wednesday and packing every day being careful not to damage my back I sometimes wonder what else life has in store - or if I even want it at all. my husband was the only person that I could love like I do, we were friends and then a couple and could practically read each others mind. So I suppose I must resign myself to being alone now. IEveryone says it gets better but I can't imagine the pain and wanting going away. Of course I know have to content with so many forms for insurance etc that it is mind boggling. I wish you all well and thank you for your replies.
  12. Thank you so much for your reply. I seem to be just existing instead of living a life. I am trying to get packed up to move and when I come across anything of my husbands it is agony. Ijust can't get rid of anything of his yet, I don't want to let it go. When the time will be I just don't know so it is all going with me. I am sorry you lost your soulmate too, it is a horrible thing to be so alone. I know crying is supposed to be good for you but it seems to be so much of it. I would like one day to go to bed without crying and to get up without crying too. Maybe then I will feel better. But at odd times when I do feel a bit better - with friends etc- I feel guilty about it. I hope you keepin touch and also hope tha others may contact me as well. At least you all know what I am going through. thanks again
  13. I don't know what I can do now. On Monday it will be 11 weeks since my husband and soul mate died. We have been married for 36 of the 37 years together and he was the most kind, generous, and wonderful person. We ought to have had at least another 20 years together and I can't help but ask WHY? The last couple of months have been hell. Whilst my husband lay in the morgue I had to have a back operation. I had, without knowing it as I put the aful pain down to muscles - broken my back. I now have vertebrae made of bone cement. Yes, it aches and I am very restricted compared with what I used to do but I know that will get a lot better - but will I as whole person? Do I even want to? I admit that if it wasn't for our daughters and grandchildren I would 'duck out'. The idea of not feelng like I am any more is welcoming. I miss him so very much and can't stop the tears whenever they come. The lst 3 days of his life was awful. I was with him when he took his last breath, with my hand on his chest and talking to him all the time, telling him we would always be together and he would be with me always. I feel so alone and to think I won't be able to touch, kiss or cuddle him again is agony. As I can't stand the memories that are in this apartment I move on Wednesday to another apartment nearer friends and public transport. I can't drive a car but have a motocycle license but was told by the surgeon I can't use my bike until summer. I live in Turkey and my family are in the UK. Due to commitments here I can't go back as yet and I do not even know if I want to. We were so happy here and had started a business (that is one of the commitments - closing it down). I can't run the business alone so have to sell off the stock and go through the closure process. Also there is the inheritance laws in Turkey which can take a year or so to get through. I looked for forums online as I can't find an English speaking counsellor here. Although friends are so very helpful I need to be able to speak to people who do not know us or our life and have no preconceptions and understand perhaps how I am feeling day by day. The stress of everyday life is very hard to cope with. I have never lived alone before and can't seem to reconcile myself to doing so but sharing with anyone other than my husband is not something I could do. Does the pain of this existence every go away or even get better?
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