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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Thistle

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  • Posts

    3
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Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    12/30/2011
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Surprise, Az

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Arizona
  1. I had a meeting with my boss after my disability claim was denied, I told he I was not ready, (in fact I cried for half the meeting) she said I had to return or be terminated. So I went back and worked the past 3 nights and spent at least half of the time in the bathroom crying and the rest of the time I was pretty nonproductive. What did they expect when I told them I'm under doctor's care and was not ready, did they think I'd snap my fingers and be well again? That all of a sudden I'll be happy and cheerful in front of the patients? If only I could...I'd have snapped them long ago!! I hate feeling like this, with a dark heavy cloud suppressing me and following me everywhere I go. I WANT to feel normal again but that's a long way away, and I feel like I have to fly cross country while all i have is a little bike with training wheels that I'm peddling as fast as I can, I'll get there but it's gonna take me more time. One of the reasons it's so hard to return to work is that's where I met my hubby. I've been there about 11 years and he'd been there about 30. Everyone knows and liked him, and that place has so many memories contained within those walls. Plus he was a patient there several times. Everyone I see offers condolences, or mentions something that makes me cry, and some just ask me "how's your husband?" and immediately the wound is reopened and the tears start falling again. It was so bad that of the 3 nights i worked, I had to leave early twice.I don't think the boss is going to be very understanding of that. My boss wants me to come talk to her in the morning before I go to a computer class she signed me up for. I don't have a good feeling about this meeting and fear I'll get fired. They have someone there who can fill in for me, who does an excellent job but they tell me they can't hold my position. Bull Hockey, they could if they wanted to. I fear this'll end with me getting fired, after I told them I wasn't ready to go back. Oh wel, just throw that on top the pile of other problems and issues I'm trying to deal with. If I get fired, I get fired, I'll just take some time to get myself together and apply elsewhere when I'm ready and can figure out what else i can do. The only issue is the medical insurance, i'll lose that if i get fired. I figure at some point I'll reach the limit of problems and issues I'll have to deal with, but it seems they keep coming... his illness and all that involved, the traumatic accident that broke his back and left him paralyzed and lead to his untimely death, probate, being told that the marriage doesn't matter because it's less than 2 years so in this state it falls under predator laws and his assets -which he'd said would be my retirement- will go to the one person he specifically told me he did not want them to go to even though we lived together for 9 years, all of his electronic equipment breaking down at the same time (computer, cell phone, TiVo, the TV, etc including his car - all suddenly and unexplainable on the fritz within a couple days). Dealing with the probate lawyer, dealing with the tax lady and financial advisers, with my house being broken into, the death of my dog whom I had for 15 years, trying to cancel all of his online accounts when he had no list of sites and passwords, dealing with my first wedding anniversary as a grieving widow, and knowing his birthday is in a couple days. Add to that my son's house burned, the child custody battle my other son is in, let's see, what am I leaving out. It is just too much stuff to deal with when the only thing that occupies my mind 24/7 is that my best friend and soul mate is dead. I'll never feel his arms around me or see those blue eyes and the angel of hid jaw that always made me knees weak. My best friend, my lover, my traveling buddy is gone, no more gourmet meals, no more trip planning, no more concerts, no more movie night or game nights at home, no one to talk to, to bounce suggestions off of, no one to hold me, to just be with or to love. Life for me has completely lost it's point, and my outlook is gloomy and hopeless. How in this situation and I supposed to go to work and act like everything is fine, to smile and be cheerful? I started seeing a grief counselor and a support group but it's going to take time...time I don't have as far as employment is concerned. It's like a bunch of thugs said oh, there;s a grieving widow, let's go kick her and push her around.
  2. Thank you everyone who responded, I do appreciate your kindness, caring and understanding. I will try to follow the advice you offered, although some of it will not be easy. I do feel the need to vent a little, so here goes... This is a hard week for me and I just wish it was over. Today marks 1 year since the diagnosis, and 3 months since his passing and in a few days it'll be our first wedding anniversary. We were together (inseparable) for 9 years but only married for just shy of 9 months when he passed. Plus his birthday is in 2 weeks. Add to that the fact I just found out my sister has colon cancer and will have surgery in a couple weeks. I tried to go to a grief support group meeting but found out when I got there that it's next week. So I sat in my car in the parking lot and cried. Despite paperwork from the doctor, work has denied my short term disability claim so even though I am not emotionally or mentally ready, I either have to return to my high stress job, or be terminated. I know that he's gone, but I'm having a hard time letting go. I feel that he's being erased little by little. Changing things from his name to mine, cancelling various subscriptions and things like that. I feel bad doing these but I have to since he passed before we got the wills done and his estate is in probate. I'm just having a hard time of it. My hubby was such a wonderful guy, and the best friend I've ever had. Everyone liked him, everyone! He had a brilliant mind, so intelligent, an educated professional but so down to earth, never pretentious or haughty. He had a fabulous, dry sense of humor and always made me laugh, a kind heart, gentle manner, and dignity. He had the most amazing smile, and beautiful blue eyes that made me melt. He was a peace-loving, loyal, generous, trustworthy, practical man who totally rocked a quiet, dignified macho-ism. Confident yet humble. An avid foodie and an excellent cook. A musician who had an uncanny ear for music and could pick out an off beat or missed note. He was very techno-savvy, loved gadgets, built his own computers and understood all kinds of electronics. He loved jeans and flip flops but looked stunning in a suit and tie. He loved to travel and experience different cultures and together we took 11 cruises and visited 32 countries, often finding a little restaurant away from the tourist areas to sample local cuisine. He was a fabulous photographer who took amazing shots but hated to pose for the camera. He was a hard-working man who in 30 years, never called off work, even during chemo, until the cancer landed him in the hospital. He was in my eyes, perfect! I loved him with all my heart and I miss him so much. If you're still reading this, thank you! As a catharsis I wanted to tell everyone what a great guy he was, he was my everything.
  3. Last year at this time, he was in the hospital. That's when we found out about the cancer....just a few days before our wedding. I wanted to postpone the ceremony until he felt better but he was insistent and talked his doctors into releasing him, they relented and we drove from the ICU to Vegas and the wedding took place as planned. The next 9 months was a wild whirlwind of ups and downs, radiation, chemo, surgery, multiple doctors appointments, tests, hospital admissions, prayers, dashed hopes, and hours and hours spent researching nutrition, drugs and treatments. We even managed to squeeze in 2 more cruises. Every moment of every day and many many sleepless nights I focused all my time and energy on him and what else could I do to help him fight for his life. Somehow I thought my love and determination could buy him more time. I was wrong, at the end of December he lost his fight. Surrounded by loved ones, with his favorite music playing, and as I was talking to him about happy times and good memories from our many travels together, he died in my arms and my world shattered. I've always been a strong, capable person, but this has devastated me. I feel so lost and often find myself just sitting and staring at a wall. My concentration is shot and I have no interest in anything anymore. Sleep is no escape, I take pills to get to sleep but each night I am haunted by nightmares. They are all different but in each one he dies in front of me in different ways. I keep putting off going to bed because I know it's just going to result in another terrible dream that keeps the loss so fresh that as I'm approaching the 3 month mark, it still feels like yesterday. Has anyone else experienced this? How long until the nightmares end?
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