I had a meeting with my boss after my disability claim was denied, I told he I was not ready, (in fact I cried for half the meeting) she said I had to return or be terminated. So I went back and worked the past 3 nights and spent at least half of the time in the bathroom crying and the rest of the time I was pretty nonproductive. What did they expect when I told them I'm under doctor's care and was not ready, did they think I'd snap my fingers and be well again? That all of a sudden I'll be happy and cheerful in front of the patients? If only I could...I'd have snapped them long ago!! I hate feeling like this, with a dark heavy cloud suppressing me and following me everywhere I go. I WANT to feel normal again but that's a long way away, and I feel like I have to fly cross country while all i have is a little bike with training wheels that I'm peddling as fast as I can, I'll get there but it's gonna take me more time.
One of the reasons it's so hard to return to work is that's where I met my hubby. I've been there about 11 years and he'd been there about 30. Everyone knows and liked him, and that place has so many memories contained within those walls. Plus he was a patient there several times. Everyone I see offers condolences, or mentions something that makes me cry, and some just ask me "how's your husband?" and immediately the wound is reopened and the tears start falling again. It was so bad that of the 3 nights i worked, I had to leave early twice.I don't think the boss is going to be very understanding of that.
My boss wants me to come talk to her in the morning before I go to a computer class she signed me up for. I don't have a good feeling about this meeting and fear I'll get fired. They have someone there who can fill in for me, who does an excellent job but they tell me they can't hold my position. Bull Hockey, they could if they wanted to. I fear this'll end with me getting fired, after I told them I wasn't ready to go back.
Oh wel, just throw that on top the pile of other problems and issues I'm trying to deal with. If I get fired, I get fired, I'll just take some time to get myself together and apply elsewhere when I'm ready and can figure out what else i can do. The only issue is the medical insurance, i'll lose that if i get fired.
I figure at some point I'll reach the limit of problems and issues I'll have to deal with, but it seems they keep coming... his illness and all that involved, the traumatic accident that broke his back and left him paralyzed and lead to his untimely death, probate, being told that the marriage doesn't matter because it's less than 2 years so in this state it falls under predator laws and his assets -which he'd said would be my retirement- will go to the one person he specifically told me he did not want them to go to even though we lived together for 9 years, all of his electronic equipment breaking down at the same time (computer, cell phone, TiVo, the TV, etc including his car - all suddenly and unexplainable on the fritz within a couple days). Dealing with the probate lawyer, dealing with the tax lady and financial advisers, with my house being broken into, the death of my dog whom I had for 15 years, trying to cancel all of his online accounts when he had no list of sites and passwords, dealing with my first wedding anniversary as a grieving widow, and knowing his birthday is in a couple days. Add to that my son's house burned, the child custody battle my other son is in, let's see, what am I leaving out. It is just too much stuff to deal with when the only thing that occupies my mind 24/7 is that my best friend and soul mate is dead. I'll never feel his arms around me or see those blue eyes and the angel of hid jaw that always made me knees weak. My best friend, my lover, my traveling buddy is gone, no more gourmet meals, no more trip planning, no more concerts, no more movie night or game nights at home, no one to talk to, to bounce suggestions off of, no one to hold me, to just be with or to love.
Life for me has completely lost it's point, and my outlook is gloomy and hopeless. How in this situation and I supposed to go to work and act like everything is fine, to smile and be cheerful? I started seeing a grief counselor and a support group but it's going to take time...time I don't have as far as employment is concerned. It's like a bunch of thugs said oh, there;s a grieving widow, let's go kick her and push her around.