Spikerelli

Dear Susan, Thank you for your kind words. Your response is how I had hoped...you are well on your way. All the best as you (and us) honour your sweet William. Scott

Good afternoon, My name is Scott and I am fortunate to be the human companion, and primary care-giver, to three (sadly now two) older Airedale Terriers. When I applied for admission to this group my Toffee hadn't formally entered Hospice, but I had been providing intensive caring to her for months. Things just happened so fast, her veterinarian returned from a conference and agreed to participate in her Hospice (his first) on Thursday afternoon and by Saturday morning she was gone. You see in my country of Canada we're years behind America in many ways, although of late much in keeping with Germany of the 1930's, and need-less-to-say grief healing especially for loss of companion animals is virtually non-existent (as is hospice care). I have been following these postings with much interest and gratitude as I too have immense feelings of guilt, albeit diiferent in context than Susan's. That said, it would seem to me that guilt is a common denominator with companion animal loss regardless of euthanasia or hospice, and guilt too shall pass as one moves through their grieving. My Barbara and I adopted Toffee and "sister" Taylor from AireCanada Airedale Rescue Network in January 2008. The grrrls' first family emigrated to Albania and weren't able to take them with, so we gladly welcomed them to our wee home. Since we became a family these prairie grrrls followed us to the mountains of Banff, badlands of Drumheller, and now the river valley city of Edmonton, Alberta. Not ones to rest on their good looks they started two enterprises: Diggers 'R' Us...specializing in tree planting and foundation excavations, and Airedale Investigations...you loose it, we find it especially if it's food. Ever community-minded, Toffee and Taylor volunteered at their local public libraries in "Paws for a Story" programming; helping children pratice reading aloud before an attentive and unconditionally accepting audience. In late 2009, AireCanada contacted us with a plea for a retired "Show Grrrl" in need of a home, so in January 2010 we welcomed Ruby Tuesday and they officially prowled the streets of Edmonton as the Airedale Grrrl Gang. At the time, we now had an 11-year old (Toffee), 10-year old (Taylor), and eight year old (Ruby), and each in various stages of osteo-arthritis. When Toffee and Taylor entered our lives in 2008 both had been taking Metacam for their arthritis; Taylor without complication, but by the spring of 2011 Toffee's little system was becoming compromised by the medication and need-less-to-say her arthritis was going unchecked. Running low on options given she couldn't tolerate other medications and becoming quite bed-ridden we opted for regenerative stem cell surgery in May 2011. Wow! Did Toffee respond to the surgery or what?!? Although 12 going on 13, she was seemingly a puppy again: jumping, walking, climbing stairs, and even the occasional sprint after a kindly rabbit (who slowed down upon seeing his/her pursuer trotting her little heart out). Everything was going along famously until autumn 2011 when some new signs appeared, but in our ignorance we just chocked them up to her age. In early January 2012, when in for a dental check-up, poor Toffee had an infected incisor that was affecting her bite, chewing, eating, etc., I described to her vet some of the other signs I had observed. A diagnosis of cognitive dysfunction syndrome (CDS) lead to a trial of Anipryl. Although our cheeky monkey responded to the antibiotic for her tooth, unfortunately she did not responded to the Anipryl; not all dogs do unfortunately. In fact, her CDS symptomology had worsened to the point that Barbara, I and Dr. Scott agreed February 9th to enter her in Hospice care. My little spunkey monkey slipped away that following Saturday morning. She was aware until her passing; listening to me tell stories of Toffee, Taylor, Ruby and The Girl (Barbara). Sadly for Barbara, she was in Regina, Saskatchewan, for work and couldn't get back home, so she experienced Toffee's last hours through a telephone. Taylor and Ruby were right there with Toffee and me when she passed, as was Barbara's sister Joni (human companion to Airedale-cousin Molly). The past few days have been beyond belief: consoling a grieving Girl long distance; caring for a grieving Taylor...Toffee will forever be her anchor...as Toffee was there to guide puppy Taylor those many years ago, so has Taylor been here to intensively care for her elderly Toffee; consoling a grieving Ruby; consoling a grieving SIL and Aire-cousin; and, nurturing my own grief. I had Toffee lying-in-state in a sub-zero environment for almost a week before Barbara finally got home; we've since decided to cremate and then visit all of Toffee's favourite places next summer. In all of this I feel immense guilt for feeling I did not do enough to lessen Toffee's suffering, missed all of her signs of dementia and could have done something sooner, haven't lessened everyone else's sadness, and for losing my temper with Toffee even when I knew she was trying so hard not to pee, poo or vomit in the house. Oh how I wish I had set up a litter box, or given her permission sooner as I finally did in saying "please, please pee, poo or puke in the house; it's now minus 20 outside and too cold for a wee grrrl". Although I was the only care-giver and was following Toffee's reversed sleep-wake cycle AND caring for Taylor and Ruby's normal sleep-wake cycles, I was so sleep deprived...well, it's just an excuse and I am having so much difficulty forgiving myself for my short-sightedness and ignorance. Fortunately for me Taylor, Ruby, Barbara, Joni and Molly have been much more forgiving, and thankfully we have come to help each other with our grief and healing. And at Barbara's suggestion I am finding some solace in feeling anger with some neighbours who found it within their "rights" to condemn without solicitation our decision to offer hospice to Toffee and file complaint for daytime barking when I was trying to nap after staying up all night with my spunkey monkey. Although my Barbara has had to return to Regina, just yesterday the couple that fostered Toffee and Taylor before their adoption came to visit Taylor, Ruby and I. Taylor's spirits picked-up immediately and I'll be forever grateful to them for their thoughtfulness and enduring kindness. For me, I think I've found a new calling (and way to alleviate my guilt) by bringing the messages of grief healing and hospice care to the AireCanada Airedale Rescue Network, Toffee's veterinary team (as Taylor and Ruby will need it some day), our local humane society, and perhaps even to my country (before it's too far gone). Susan, for what it's worth, we did the best we could with the emotions and information we had at the time and I defy a single human on this planet to find fault with that. Thank you for your time and consideration. Respectfully submitted, Scott