Paws Forever

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. Though I miss Jackson terribly I'm glad that he isn't suffering now. Right now I'm struggling with the silent, empty house and empty office. But mostly what's really killing me is not knowing that he's still "there" -- somewhere. Is someone playing with him, holding him, and loving him? I want to believe he still exists someplace. How can something so perfect and pure just cease to exist? Does anyone have any thoughts on that?

I commented on this discussion group in February after I found out that my little boy Jackson had small cell lymphoma. After that We tried some chemotherapy, which didn't do what we had hoped. Then about 6 weeks ago he caught a bad case of kennel cough because his immune system was shot. I work at the local humane society where Jackson came to work with me every day so getting kennel cough was hardly avoidable. I thought I was going to loose him then but with treatment he rallied and seemed to improve quite a bit. Then a couple of weeks ago he started slowing down again. He slept mostly but still got excited about food. Every day he'd make the rounds at work and visit everyone for treats. But I had to carry him up and down the stairs because he was so weak. Still, he'd grab a ball or toy and bring it to me now and again. I didn't see how I could possibly make the decision to release him from his dying body when his heart and soul was still saying he wanted to be here with me. Then this past weekend it seemed his breathing was more labored. I kept wishing he could tell me what he wanted me to do because I just couldn't bring myself to do what probably should have been done sooner. Last night I had to attend an annual membership meeting at work and I took Jackson with me, as usual. I was standing in my bosses office talking about last minute details when I turned around and saw Jackson lying on the floor in a puddle of urine. I got down in the floor with him and I could see he was having a seizure and that he was extremely pale. I knew then that the time had come and i took him to his long-time veterinarian who gently and quietly sent Jackson home. And I've been crying non-stop ever since. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. It's too hard to be at work, it's too hard to be at home. He was my best friend. Yes, I have friends and family, and a fabulous boss and co-workers who are extremely understanding. But I don't believe they could possibly understand what Jackson has really meant to me. He wasn't just my dog, he was my son, and the only creature I felt safe enough giving my whole heart to. I miss him so much!

Kat, What a beautiful boy! I'm so sorry for your pain. My heart goes out to you. P.

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful replies. I'm grateful to have found this website and discussion group. I'm sure I'll be visiting and writing often as my time with Jackson grows shorter. I've already felt some comfort just knowing I've found a safe place to share what I'm feeling. To CJ, I don't miss a single opportunity to kiss Jackson on his cute little noggin and tell him I love him. Though he sleeps a lot, he will still bring a toy to me so I can throw it for him and I always stop what I'm doing - even at work - to spend a few minutes playing fetch. Anyway, thank you again, all. P.

My dog Jackson was diagnosed with cancer just before Christmas. He just had another ultrasound last Friday and tumors on his spleen and liver have grown much bigger in such a short period of time. I'm having a real hard time dealing with the inevitable. Jackson has been my constant companion for 12 years. He has gone to work with me every day for that 12 years. I don't know how I'm going to get through the loss and deal with the enormous hole that will be left when he's not with me anymore. My last dog also died from cancer -- in March of 1999. That just seems to make this time even more unbearable. P.