SusanKMcD

Your tribute to Chinook is wonderful, Tim. What a happy,happy life he had - you should be so proud.

Thank you ever so much, Marty - Your words were of much comfort to me.

I am so very sorry for your tremendous losses, Susavi. All of us here can sympathize with you. I hope you will soon begin healing.

Hello Everyone - Just wanted to stop by and thank you all for helping me deal with the huge, sad loss of our dear Sweet William and the Monday-morning quarterbacking that plagued me deeply. Although I had said I would not be adopting another dog after William ..... well ....... YES, we did! The void was too great and I knew another poor little furchild would be happy in our home. My husband greatly encouraged me. I am SO glad he did! (Over the last 30 years I had always found another companion shortly after the loss of the previous furbaby; this time I didn't think I'd want to) I'm pleased to present Little Kenny Tiger - an 11-month-old Heinz 57. When asked what breeds he thinks Kenny could be, our vet replied: "He's greatly homogenized" His name: "Little" because, at 50 lbs, he's much smaller than William was at 135 lbs; "Kenny" because it's a funny name for dog; and "Tiger" because he's brindle coated. Due to the positioning of the stripes on his face, he looks perpetually worried which is so endearing. I have always said my Furs choose me, I do not choose them. This darling boy chose ME when I visited the shelter. I asked to see several different dogs - Kenny was the special one who immediately jumped onto my lap and smothered me in doggie kissies which made a tough decision much easier. They were all beautiful, wonderful dogs and I know several more have since chosen their own new Mamas and Dads. I'll not prattle on and on about how wonderful a boy Little Kenny Tiger is - (and he is!) - I just want to make the point to those reading this thread that although none of our precious pets can be "replaced" - each one is precious and special in and of him/herself - If you can see your way through your grief you'll probably find you have plenty of love for another fur child who needs you. My husband was right - it is better for me to channel my grief into love and a good home for this delightful, funny young guy. I hope the rest of you are able to to find peace within your grief as well. XXXOO Susan

My Dear Scott --- You have had your hands MORE than full with the love and care you have provided Toffee, your other grrrrrrls, and your human companion, Barbara as well. My heart goes out to you. Judging from your description, you have absolutely no reason at all to feel ANY guilt or remorse. You dd everything you possibly could to ease Toffee's suffering and, let's face it, we're all only human, not superhuman. I'm not a good one to talk to others about guilt --- as you can plainly tell I suffered extensively this weekend until my guilt was allayed by a semi-professional this afternoon ---- but though my guilt has been lifted my grieving remains. It is very clear you love your Grrrrls and have done everything possible to provide happy, healthy, nurtured lives. You care(d) for them in the very best way possible and for that you should be proud and satisfied. There are limitations to our knowledge, though we strive to understand completely. God's way is God's way, not our way. You had no means of knowing Toffee's condition in advance; no way to fully understand it and/or counteract it. She was spared a great deal of suffering and she knew she was truly loved. Hoping you find peace soon - (((Scott, Barbara, and Grrrrrrls))) Kindly, Susan

Dear CJ -- Thank you so much again. Absolutely YES, your responses DO help and help a great deal. THANK YOU. And yes, I do think we humans too often attribute human feelings/thoughts to our animals that the animal doesn't think/feel at all. But being human, we find it difficult to relate to their thoughts/feelings in any other way but our own. I can't tell you the number of times I've looked at one of my furbabies through the years, and thought, "Wow. Look at the way he/she is looking at me. You'd think I beat the hell out of that animal every day of its life" when nothing could be further from the truth! ot to denegrate the ASPCA TV ads, but I've seen my dogs and cats with those very same facial expressions and our animals were all cherished, loved, warm, dry, well fed, entertained, etc. So yes, I agree, we can sometimes take what we *think* we see far out of true context. I guess the truly IMPORTANT thing, in the long run, is that our dear, special, Sweet William is out of pain, no matter his age or what led to his passing. He knew he was loved and he is now happy and free. Though we don't know what his true/real/extent of his health condition was of this past Friday, at the very least he had experienced knee pain for several years and was showing signs of it worsening; having difficulty standing up, walking for any extended distance (like on a longish walk), etc. So, at the very LEAST he is now free of that - and having a serious knee injury myself I know how painful it can be. OH MY GOSH --- This is unbelievable. I had to interrupt writing this post to answer the phone - it was the pet crematory. I had left a message because I had forgotten to let the vet know I wanted paw prints from William. Long story short, the lady at the crematory called me back a few minutes ago. They have Sweet William now. She has spent her entire life around animals and worked as a vet tech for many years. She was kind enough to listen to my story and has alleviated most of my guilt --- she said that William, as a Newfie, is OLD at 6 or 7, that those big guys only last 7-8 years, so he was already heading into the end of his life. When I told her of his pooping/piddling indoors, his various issues, and lastly the blood gush, she said she has seen it before and it's almost always incurable. It's been her long-term experience that symptoms like that indicate cancer or some other horrible widespread illness. She is absoluting CONVINCED William would have suffered through all sorts of testing and we would have ended up with the same sad ending. I couldn't thank her ENOUGH. If only the vet had given me the same sort of reassurance, I would not have been in this gawd-awful amount of guilt-ridden pain for the last 2 days. Grief, absolutely - not not this guilt. I thank Polly from the very bottom of my heart. She said yes, we may have hustled him along, but hustled him away from much pain and suffering - in fact, she is fairly confident he was already suffering --- I mean, let's face it, a huge blood gush from the rectum is not good news. OMG, I am so thankful and relieved I cannot say. Now I can grieve for the loss of our dear doggie, and be free of the consuming guilt. THANK YOU, POLLY.

Dear Kat --- I am so sorry to hear of your tremendous loss of Bear. We, too, lost our beloved William this past Friday - also at about 6 years of age. SO YOUNG -- TOO YOUNG. We do not know cause of his suffering but find comfort knowing he is now out of pain. Was Bear a large doggie? William was a Newfie/Golden mix ... 135 lbs. Sadly, these big guys don't live as long as their smaller counterparts. We thoroughly understand your feelings of grief, loss, the huge void in your heart .... but please know you did the very best you could and your beloved Bear knows this. He will be waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge. We embrace you in your sorrow.

Dear Paws -- I am so very sorry to hear your sad story and know the sorrow you already feel wih Jackson's diagnosis. Our beloved companion, William, was put to sleep on Friday. I am finding help here. Please know you will be embraced during your journey. Please come back and let us know how you are doing.

KAYC -- Your words (and those of the other respondents as well) mean a great deal to me. I appreciate all responses, thank you. My heart goes out to all who have lost beloved companions. Please tell me HOW you know William (and your dog, and all other dogs) knows we did our best? I so want to believe it ... but I have to be honest .... as I think I mentioned earlier we've had a full plate with my dad's death, mother's dementia, liquidating their estate, etc. etc. etc. William took a backseat to all this over the last 3 years. My guilt level is higher because I know we didn't, and often couldn't, devote as much time and attention to our Big Guy as we should have. And I'm sorry for the times I became impatient with him when he just HAD to squeeze into our postage-stamp size bathroom with me to put his head on lap at an inopportune time .. And that I became frustrated when I was exhausted, climbed into bed, and he'd amble in, stare at me, and give his low, rumbling, "I want to go outside" doggie whimpers. WHY couldn't I have been more patient with him instead of sighing, "Oh, William!"? WHY couldn't I have given him that extra pat on the head or pet him more often? I certainly wasn't the least cruel to William, not by a long shot, but we could have done better with just a tiny bit of effort. And I'm not convinced it was REALLY his time .... but then again, I didn't want him to suffer to the point that Molly did when there was absolutely ZERO doubt. I hope some of this makes sense. I feel I'm babbling and blathering and writing in a disjointed fashion. Can't tell you how much I appreciate the input, it IS helping.

CJ and MartyT - I greatly appreciate your responses and thoughtful words. I pray I made the right choice and didn't hustle William on his path ... to be brutally honest, I was growing weary of the cleanup and worry over our dear William. At this moment I am sick with the guilt of thinking I may have hurried his passing for my own selfish reasons, though I've "known" in my heart these last several weeks he truly hasn't been "right" and seemed to be depressed, unhappy, and, over the last couple days of his life, in pain not only from his knee but elsewhere. I worry the vet gave her "gut reaction" as an appeasement to ME - knowing I was as "ready" as I was going to be to release William to a happier and painless world. I am so terribly confused. It seemed like the right thing at the time. Now I wonder if I was too hasty with him, especially with him being so young at 6 or 7 years old. Although I know big dogs (Newfie/Golden mix, 135 lbs) age faster and die younger than smaller dogs, 6 or 7 is still young. His early passing is a huge concern to me as many years ago I had a beloved doggie named Molly. She was elderly at about 13. She had arthritis in her hind quarters so bad she couldn't get up. In my selfishness to keep her with me as long as possible, I allowed her to suffer. The last few days of her life she couldn't stand on her own (she was approx. a 40 lb. dog - medium size) and I would wake in the morning to find her lying in her own mess. The last morning of her life I could clearly see in her eyes how she longed for release and wanted to "go." She was in pain, she was embarrassed, she felt guilt that she soiled herself indoors. She clearly communicated that to me. We took her to the vet and ended her misery and pain that day. I vowed to NEVER allow another pet linger so long due to my selfishness. NOW I worry that due to a different sort of selfishness and/or fear I hastened William before his time. I do not know how I shall resolve this in my own mind. William was a rescue dog I found at a no-kill shelter in Indiana. He was to be a companion for another highly energetic young dog we had adopted, Betsy. He was special right from the very start and I fell in love with him instantly. I am of the conviction and my experience has been that I do not choose the companion, the companion chooses me, and he certainly did, as have all my other previous doggies, cats, and even a very special pet rat! When he chose me, he was approx. 6 months old and he was already a BIG GUY with HUGE PAWS and an even HUGER heart. He as very relaxed, patient, tolerant, and understanding, but also very fun loving and playful. He loved Betsy (who also passed at a young age) and mourned when she was gone. We have two cats - one of whom he bonded closely with. William would lick and lick and lick Johnny (our semi-long haired cat) to the point Johnny would have "dreadlocks" and look like he was a Rasta kitty - we have to get the cat shaved a couple times a year in addition to constant grooming, thanks to Big Bill. We called this playing "Beauty Shop." You'd think the cat would *hate* it, but in fact, Johnny would beg for Beauty Shop! William also LOVED to play "Werewolf". Stretched out, he was nearly 6' long! He would jump on the bed and pretend attack me ... then give his "Wooooo Woooo Woooooo" howl and pounce and nip and howl some more -- panting and smiling all the while .. the more I said, "Who's my Werewolf?" the more excited and goofy he got with his woooo wooo wooooo and pretend nips. Oh, dear William!!! Johnny also loved to eat kibble from William's dish. They'd both lie on the floor by the food dish, but William would let Johnny nibble first. Once John had a kibble or two, Big Bill would eat. William would never dream of nosing open a door, or shoving himself through a tight-ish space, he was far too polite. If one of the cats was on the stairs, he'd wait for the cat to move before going up or down. He was just that kind of nice guy. I don't know where he got his manners, but he was a true natural gentleman. It was his nature. I hope you ladies are correct that I made the right choice. I did not want William to suffer - and I do believe he was --- but on the other hand, being young and not appearing to have been gravely ill for all that long, I just don't know. There was NO diagnosis. And with his temp being normal, and his gums still pink...... Oh .... I just don't KNOW. Do you think a vet would tell me a "pretend" "gut reaction"??? My husband tells me we made the right choice, and my husband truly loves that dog. He wasn't as close to William as I, because I'm home all day and night whereas my husband is away working ... and my husband isn't grieving as I am. I had to take William to the vet alone, but I did call my husband at the last minute to ask what he thought. Surely both of us can't be wrong ... unless I influenced my husband's thinking .... Maybe William wasn't in as bad shape as he seemed? Maybe I was too hasty? Maybe his illness wasn't as serious as it looked (with the gushing rectal blood) Maybe he just had an intestinal bug???? Oh, I am just sick with guilt and regret and I miss our dear sweet William so terribly. My heart is truly broken.

Dear ((( CJ ))) Thank you ever so much .... I am SO missing our giant doggie (135 lbs) and his big, velvety face... his sweet, gentle soul. I so so appreciate your very kind and thoughtful words. I HOPE YOU ARE RIGHT. I keep running recent history and the long vet appointment through my head and wondering if I was too hasty in my decision; too selfish (not wanting to clean more poop and vomit and not wanting to suffer worrying about our beloved boy) but at the same time thinking/hoping I made the RIGHT decision for HIM. I know it's far too late now for regrets, but I cannot help having the guilt thinking I may have done the wrong thing for the wrong reasons; or the right thing for the wrong reasons; or the right thing for the right reasons. Does that make any sense? He will forever hold a very special place in our hearts - our dear, Sweet William - so patient, tolerant, loving, and even responsible; Obediant, faithful, and the gentlest of giants. Our Big Guy. Oh, how I am sobbing at his loss, wishing I'd spent more time with him, gone for more walks, been a better doggie Mom, giving him more love and praise, but I've had so much on my plate with the recent death of my Dad, placing my mother in assisted due to her dementia, my husband had 2 coronaries, and we sold all my parents' property and belongings -- in all that over the last couple years poor sweet William took a backseat. We never dreamed he'd leave us so soon. Oh, how I pray I made the proper decision. Gushing blood is definitely NOT a good sign ... and he seemed to be in pain .... Oh dear me. POOR WILLIAM. Thank you for understanding.

Dear Tim and Peter --- Please accept my sincerest, most heartfelt condolences and sympathy on the loss of your beloved and precious Chinook. -Susan -

HEARTBROKEN. I had our 6 year old Newfie/Golden Retriever mix put to sleep last evening, now I cannot stop second-guessing my decision though the deed is done and cannot be changed. Three years ago William injured his knee jumping out of the back of our SUV. He was always in some pain due to knee. He suffered from nasty skin allergies periodically and often had hot spots. Of course through all this he was under a vets care. Last September the skin allergies began again, and he was MISERABLE. He was on several courses of antibiotics and prednisone. The skin condition seemed to improve. We also changed his diet from IAMS to Nutro Venison and Potato at the request of the vet. A couple months ago (around December) William began to vomit sporadically and poop and piddle in the house (always sporadically), which he had NEVER done - at least not since we first brought him home at 6 months old. (He was a rescue). He seemed depressed for days on end, then would seem to perk up. I was very concerned. More vet trips. No real diagnosis. We tried another course of antibiotics and more prednisone. That course ended at the beginning of January. Two days ago he had horrible diarrhea in the house and began acting lethargic, depressed, and quit eating. Wouldn't eat his "cookies" (biscuits) and even refused human cheese and crackers - a huge RED flag of big problem. Yesterday we woke up to more diarrhea in the house, foul vomit, and a separate pile of mucus-y, foamy vomit. Made an appt. with vet for 5:25. I let him outside as I was beginning to ready myself. I watched him, thinking a stool sample might be a good idea. To my absolute HORROR he voided (pooped) a HUGE GUSH of bright red blood. At that moment, I said to heck with the appt., threw on some clothes, and off to the vet we went with a small sample of the blood. We waiting FOREVER, all the while I was thinking "he's not coming home" ..... and I was sobbing. The vet finally saw him. LONG story short, we decided to have an abdominal Xray to see if he had an intestinal blockage. He did not. His gums were pinkish (normal), normal temp, but his depression, lethargy, non-eating, past mystery illnesses, etc. made us all wonder what to do .... The vet wanted to keep him over the weekend to run blood tests, urine samples, etc etc etc. It was going to cost over $2,000 which we simply cannot afford, despite our great love for William. Finally, having been at the vet's for 2 1/2 hours, I asked her what her "gut" feeling was -off the record - she said she felt it would likely be best to end it right then. She said determining his real, underlying problem could be a long, painful process with probable unhappy results. This was my "gut" feeling as well, knowing my dog as well as I do. So, with a broken heart I sent William to the Rainbow Bridge. I've had many dogs in my 57 years. Though each and every one was very special, and each was VERY much loved, William stood head and shoulders above them all - he was a very, VERY special doggie with the biggest heart and best nature EVER. A part of me went with him. I am grieving awfully, as I knew I would. It would help if I felt more secure about my decision to not leave William at the vet's over the weekend, being subjected to painful testing, and causing him fear and discomfort for days, if not weeks or months; and also my decision to not have him suffer any longer. I'm probably not explaining it very well ... I know my doggie and he was not well. That gush of blood was horrifying. Since he's been gone, I've seen online he might have had gastroenteritis, which may or may not have been curable ... Can someone help me? And I'm so sorry for everyone else's loss(es) and pain. I know how horribly it hurts.