Manquer

Thank you everyone for the comments, they are all very sweet. And I love that poem I will write in in the journal I have for my dad where I log all the other things I want to tell him. Can't believe it's been over 3 months since I lost my dad. I think about him and miss him everyday and although I'm not the same mess I was 3 months ago, tears are never far away. I too suffered from a lot of anxiety due to everything that has happened. I only took three days off to go to the funeral and tried to jump back into work the following week and boy let me tell you what a lesson that was. I work with people who suffer from severe and persistent mental illness and help them achieve their educational and employment goals. The job can be very demanding and emotionally stressful. I eventually learned that at this point the job was too much for me. Luckily, I have an extremely supportive job and after talking it over we decided that a leave of absence would be best. I have now been off for several weeks and feel a thousand times better. I joined a grief support group through Hospice, took up a part time job renting bicycles on the waterfront, started doing regular yoga, got back to painting and making jewelry and have been exercising and reading a lot. I think a lot of my anxiety stemmed from not giving myself the time I needed from the beginning. My dad died on a Friday, the same Friday I happened to be moving and so I spent all week moving and was back at work on Monday and continued to go to work until the funeral a week later. I was in shock. I didn't want to believe it so I felt that by continually working and ignoring it that perhaps it wouldn't be true. I also realized that although I was financially independent from my father and even though I lived across the country from him I still relied on him emotionally. I would always look to him for advice and I would always want to share what I was doing in life with him in the hopes it would make him proud. My confidence came from him. Now I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. I'm definitely getting there and feel so much better but the road is long and I have far to go. I'm still not sure if I'm ready to go back to work. For anyone suffering anxiety I recommend purchasing a "grief planner" and on each day mark your anxiety level in the morning, afternoon and evening and then monitor your progress. I also would write down one nice thing I did for myself that day such as go for a walk or take a bath. It was very helpful. I also have a journal for my dad and write in it almost every day...i tell him how much I miss him and love him. It helps. And if you enjoy writing, check out the Chicken Soup for the Soul website and see if your story fits in one of their categories. I'm writing a story to submit about my dad in the category labeled "The Power of Positive" because even after everything that has happened he is the one I can thank for my positive outlook on life and even though he is the one I'm mourning the things he has taught me over the years are what's helping me get through each day. He believed that when we lose a loved one we should not let that loss effect our inner happiness because death ends a life, not a relationship. I had a beautiful relationship with my dad. He was more than just a father, he was also a friend. A best friend. We would exchange letters back in forth that ranged in topics from exchanging jokes and funny stories to philosophical letters where we would discuss the meaning of life and love. At this point in the story I should probably mention that my dad was gay. I just learned he was gay at my college graduation this past May and am so thankful he felt comfortable and confident in telling me. He loved scrap booking and was making a scrapbook for everyone in the family. For his 50th birthday I decided to make him a scrapbook only instead of just gathering and putting together photos I am an artist so I decided to paint them. I painted our family in all different mediums and on all different surfaces and was really proud to hand him the end product. Inside the scrapbook I told him exactly how I felt. How much I loved him and how much of an inspiration he was to me. He later told me my words made him cry. He was just so special to me. He carried that scrapbook with him everywhere to show to others. Now that I have the scrapbook back I decided to purchase extra pages and do a tribute scrapbook to him. It has letters we wrote, cards he sent, photos, postcards...everything. It was a really helpful process. I recommend scrapbooks of loved ones for anyone who enjoys being crafty Well I think that's enough blabbering for now. I really enjoy this forum because it gives me a chance to type what's in my head in the hopes others will read and learn but also it's a wonderful outlet just to get it out somewhere. I am so sorry for all the loss everyone has suffered, but they're never really gone. Our loved ones reside in us in our actions, words and relationships. They can live on through us. I made up a quote last night that I think is appropriate. It goes like this: "Live to love or love will not live" Do not be afraid to love because of the fear of loss...tell those you love exactly how you feel and often. It's important to let them know for your sake and theirs.

Crystal, Both my parents are gone. I have a journal dedicated to each of them. My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer and survived just one short year after the diagnosis. Once she passed I gathered photos, cards, letters and anything else that reminded me of her and started a journal logging our journey through that last year. Now I write in it every year on her birthday and on the day that she died I try to honor her by drinking her favorite drink and preparing a dish of hers that I love. It helps a lot. Now I've recently lost my dad and although I have a journal for him ready to be written in, I'm just not ready. He was one of my best friends. I have so many letters, cards and pictures to remind me of him i don't know where to begin. But I know once I do the process of compiling his journal and reflecting will help a lot. Perhaps you could start a journal or scrapbook for your mom? For me it's helped put memories down on paper so I know I won't forget. I also like to compose lists of favorite memories or just little flashbacks which always make me smile. My parents will be apart of me forever. I now have a tattoo for each of them so not only are they with me spiritually my physical self can carry apart of them as well.

Thanks for your responses, they really mean a lot. I was constantly checking my email today hoping somebody responded I found this site on a website called Kathy's Place 4 Hope, a wonderful non-profit that helps children dealing with grief. I was hoping this website would help me and so far it has. I went to work today and although it was rough at first and I had to constantly reassure and calm myself down on the drive there, it did eventually get better. I wish you all happiness and will be thinking of you as you too deal with grief.

I was in college at home for Christmas break when I had to decide whether or not to keep mom and home or to put her in hospice. She was terminal with lung cancer and the doctors said there was nothing more they could do. She was in so much pain, every move caused her extreme agony. One day we went to the ER and found out her collarbone was fractured which was why she was in so much pain, but there was nothing they could do. They gave me morphine and told me to administer it every 2 hours as needed. For the next 2 days I did just that, feeding her morphine from a eye dropper every 2 hours around the clock. It was horrible. It would help the pain but only for so long and it started to take away her personality. She couldn't live like this. I decided to put her in a respite house which is basically a home where you go to die. The facility was beautiful and I enjoyed many fond times with her there and felt like I could focus on our relationship rather than focus on her medical needs as I had done at home. Now I was faced with the decision of whether or not to go back to college. I was only 19. I decided to go with the thought that I could be back as soon as things got rough. About 2 weeks later I got a call saying that her health was declining. I didn't want to face it. I didn't want to see her like that. I decided to stay an extra day at school before flying back home so I could gather my things and collect my thoughts....That extra day made me too late. I got a call the next day saying she wasn't going to make it that long and as I was frantically searching for flights I had to say goodbye to her. She couldn't speak so I was able to do was sob into the phone how much I loved her and that I was going to see her soon. 20 minutes later she was gone. I miss her so much. I wish I was there for her in the end but at the same time I'm glad I can remember her in a better light and I feel better knowing the last thing I said to her was that I loved her. 3 years later I was faced with more decisions. Now I'm 23 and February 1st was the 3 year anniversary of my mom passing. I talked to my dad and sister and drank Molson and made one of her favorite dishes to remember her. Overall it was a good day and I was feeling positive. On the morning on February 3rd I got a call at work from my sister. She is crying hysterically. I can't make out any words she is saying. Finally through the sobs I manage to hear "Daddy didn't wake up this morning" the rest is a blur. I keep thinking "I just talked to him, he was just fine!" but that doesn't bring him back. He is gone and we have no idea why. Later we find out from the autopsy that he had a heart attack in his sleep. He had heart disease he didn't know about. I am in shock. I can't believe it. I just finished honoring and reflecting about my mother, how can he be gone too?? The memorial service was nice and many people attended, but there is so much to do....finances, bills, debt, affairs...everything. It is too much. My sister is unable to deal with any of the legalities and has shut everyone out. She is 20, but acts more like a 14 year old...which leaves me with all the decisions. What to do with this piece of furniture, his car, his bills, his insurance, his bed...it's too much! He was more than just a dad, he was one of my closest friends. Life is just so strange. I'm terrified of loosing other people I'm close to. I can't bear to lose anyone else. I get the saddest when I see other people with their parents, when kids my age can call and talk to their parents or go visit them. It saddens me to think that if I get married neither of my parents will be there. They will never meet any grandchildren. It's just not fair.

The last time I spoke with my dad was February 1st, 2012, the 3 year anniversary of my mom passing. Two days later I got a call from my sister at work. She was so hysterical it was difficult to make out what she was saying...I finally managed to pick out the words "daddy didn't wake up this morning" and from there it's a blur. My dad died February 3, 2012 and we had no idea why. He was only 50. I'm 23 and my sister is only 20...we just lost our mom, it's not fair to have to lose dad too. Hours later we find out he died from a heart attack from heart disease he never knew he had. Mom died of lung cancer. Now I'm back home after the memorial service and I feel weird. I keep having what I think are panic attacks...my heart is racing, my head spinning and my palms clammy. I miss him so much. He was more than just a parent. He was one of my best friends. I don't know too many people my age who have lost both their parents so it is difficult when everyone is laughing and having a good time and all I can focus on is how much I miss him and want to call him. It's just not fair. My name is Manquer which is the french verb meaning "To Miss" I will forever miss you mom and dad.