HSMom

It's December 26th and I took down all of the Christmas decorations already. I just had to get through 12/25. It was like a deal I made with myself. We have two children (teens) and I wanted them to have a nice Christmas. But the pain of missing my dad was more overwhelming than I thought and I'm still in tremendous pain. I love all of the advice people have given. His favorite day was Christmas Eve when we all get together. I was in the shower getting ready for the night and I had a terrible flashback of him right after he died. I went into a panic attack, my face turned bright red so my blood pressure must have gone up sky high. It was like the gig was up. I couldn't pretend anymore. The pain was ENORMOUS! So now I told the kids that I've gotten through Christmas and really just needed to get the decorations away. So we all did. I'm looking forward for a more normal routine because it helps the pain. Thanks all for being here. I too will take it one minute at a time. Sheila

Hi all: My dad died almost 4 months ago. I was his main caregiver and he died in my home with us and hospice by his side. It was a life changing experience for me. Can't even put it into words yet. But I've changed. I find that I am weeding through relationships that really were shall we say surface after such a life-changing experience. It actually feels good because I am beginning to feel a freeing-quality life. I feel like it's a gift from my dad. To be more specific, I had a friend that was very phony with me and I knew it. She was not reliable and I was. I just kept hanging on for various reasons. Recently I complained on how she was late every time we met for something, how she would come up with ideas for our kids to do some things but never pulled through, how she offered to help when my son was in the hospital but left my daughter hanging for two hours waiting, so we canceled her picking her up and my husband came home from work. And so on and so on....... She got pissed and said "I need a break from you and I'll just chalk this up to your grieving right now." I agreed to the break and then sent her a "closure letter" wishing her well. At first it hurt, but now I feel very free. My dad had told me three years ago to get rid of her because of how she was treating me. I feel like he's orchestrating some of this. He was very good at giving his advice as to what he would do. And I have to smile on that one. So I'm weeding through. Hanging with who I love and feel safe with PLUS who shows love back and treats me with respect. Otherwise, goodbye. Is this a process of grieving? Or is it the chapter in my life? Anyone else experiencing this? Thanks, HSMom

Oh thank you so much for the replies! I thought I was so alone with my feeling angry. I felt like the big bad bi.... My husband is very supportive and tells me to do whatever is comfortable for me. He probably won't even go himself in order to support my decision. I leave that freedom up to him. I'm a true people-pleaser and my in-laws know this. But I find more and more that after taking care of my dad for the past two years and being with him until his last breath, it has really changed me forever as a person. I'm realizing what is most important in my life. When she didn't even come or acknowledge I was so hurt. It's very typical and they use excuses all of the time, but a wake is a wake and you either go and support or you don't. She chose not to. Now the way his dysfunctional family works is that I will become the villan if I stand up for myself and say, "Hey she wasn't there for me, why should I be there to attend her son's wedding?" It will all turn on me. They also will not consider the fact that I am grieving. They believe I should get on with my life. These are people that when my mother-in-law's father passed on, she just had him buried with no funeral or anyting. My husband insisted on finding the grave and all of us meeting to at least pray. It was a complete horrendous joke. But as I say, I have felt changed and am really focusing on being with people I love and who love and support me. So thank you all. As a matter of fact I will start a new topic here. See "Weeding through..." Hugs to all, HSMom

Hi: After taking care of my dad for the past two years and keeping with his wishes to die at home, I lost my dad 3 1/2 months ago. I'll just say I have good days and bad days, as so many of you can relate. I have a situation where we are invited to a wedding. It is for my husband's nephew. The mother is my husband's sister. When my dad died, she never came to the wake, funeral or even sent a card. So I get this invitation to the shower for her future daughter-in-law and I r.s.v.p'ed that I would not be coming to that. Now we get the invitation to the wedding. I DON'T want to go. But I feel that I should for my husband's sake. He does not come from a tight-knit family at all. But out of all of his siblings, I was really surprised she did not acknowledge my dad's passing and REALLY hurt. His other family members came to the wake and funeral or at least called. I feel a wedding is a big family event and I should acknowledge it whether I want to or not. That's the way I am. BUT: I was so hurt and angry that she never even acknowledged my dad's passing. So on one hand, I don't want to even acknowledge this shower and wedding because of what she did not do. And on the other hand, with the grieving process I've been going through, I'm only comfortable right now with certain people and places. I've been trying to do what's comfortable for me during this process as was suggested by people at a bereavement group I had been going to. But what is the right thing for attending events during a bereavement period? Does that question make sense? Better yet, do I have to? I want to do the right thing. Thanks, HSMom