When I met my bf over a year ago, I liked him, but wasnt ready to fall in love. M was persistent; he was romantic, funny, chivalrous, attentive..everything a girl could want. Before I knew it, he had my heart. We had a wonderful relationship, uncomplicated, pure, fun and comfortable (unlike the relationship I had with my ex-husband)and I felt that all the ups and downs in my life had lead me to this man, this love.
We talked about our future, blending our families...all the things in life we would explore, see and do and we talked about growing old together.
Then seemingly out of the blue he felt he could not take that 'next step', that he was afraid of making a committment. So he broke up with me. I was in shock, I lost 10lbs, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and couldn't function normally for a month. I tried to convince M to try again, so he finally gave in and we went to dinner to talk. He said he stood by his decision to end it, that it was the right thing for both of us. But somehow after that night we continued to see each other casually. I was hanging in there with the hopes he would want to rekindle our relationship, he was hanging in there because he 'enjoyed my company' (and probably had nothing else to do on his weekends).
After months of being his 'friend with benefits', I decided to take my life into my own hands and tell him good-bye for good. I was not being fair to myself waiting around for him to love me again and I was also taking the chance that one day he would tell me he met someone new and we were done (yet again).
I know it was the right thing to do. I know he was never going to love me again and want to spend his life with me. The logical, intelligent and educated side of me knows this, but the heart....the heart still breaks and still hopes he'll be back one day.
I have a long road ahead of tears, lonliness and healing, but I will be okay, I wish I could fast forward and forget him. I wish I could understand why he changed his heart and his mind.
We can't control our feelings and we certainly can't control others, but I can respect myself and know I deserve a man to love me completely and be committed 100%.
