KLS4FTS

Shari please try not to beat yourself over it. Your dad knew you were there and what a blessing to be there in his final moments, even though it was uncomfortable for you. Like you said, you felt his spirit had already left his body and more than likely it did and was looking down on you, so it was just his physical body left. I lost my dad a couple years ago and I am 48 years old and miss him every day. I know it sounds silly, but I went out and bought a teddy bear and put his t-shirt on it, to where I feel like I can still hug him whenever I need to. Maybe try to do the same thing and see if it will help you find some comfort.

Rona I just read your story and it brought tears to my eyes and pain knowing what you are going through. We have somewhat of a mirrored experience. You lost your mother and I lost my father and both of our living parents have turned on us, the one out of 6 kids and I out of 7 kids who did everything for our parents when the other siblings were hardly ever there. I'm still trying to live day by day, always thinking about my dad. There is not one day that goes by that I don't break down and cry for what has happened. I wish I could give you advice, but I myself haven't figured out what to do. You can only live one day at a time. I pray things get better for you and I hope you know that you are not alone.

Sorry I haven't been back for a while. Thank you so much for all of your thoughtful comments. Just an update nothing has changed with my family. I sent an email to my mom last year for mothers day, wishing her a happy mothers day and also let her know that I wanted to talk to her so maybe we can resolve things, I never heard back from her. She told my youngest daughter about my email and was crying to her about it, so my daughter was angry with me and told me I ruined my mothers, day and so my daughter spent the day with her instead of me. She obviously can not apologize for what she has done and I believe she doesn't want too because it will make her look bad. Here is what I sent to her, considering everything I have gone through, I din't think it was that bad of an email.... "Happy Mother’s Day Mom, I hope you have a wonderful day. I hope one of these days you can find it in your heart to apologize for what you have said and done to Larry and I, so that maybe our relationship could mend somewhat. Also be able to sit down and talk about what was said to clear the air. You know Larry and I have always been there for You and Daddy for everything, and have done so much for the both of you. The stuff you have said to others have been nothing but assumptions. You can’t live your life assuming what you thought others were doing or trying to do. It’s up to you, you don’t have too. You know I have never lied to you before and there would be no reason for me to lie to you about anything. Larry and I never did or said some of the things you have accused us for and because of that and what had happened when Daddy was sick and after his death. caused you to lose a daughter and son in law that had always been there for you every day and especially on special occasions, when others weren't. It’s up to you" Like I said, I never heard back from her. So not only did I lose my dad I also lost my entire family. I hurts so bad, I have been nothing but a good daughter to my parents. I have always been there for them. I have never seen this side of my mother before, but it's obvious if she could treat my dad they way she did, why would I expect anything more from her. I found out also that one of her sisters is no longer talking to her. This is the same Aunt that reached out to me and said she felt so bad for me and everything I was going through. I can only assume, but I wonder if she had said something to my mom about what she was doing. Anyways, it's a daily struggle and I never thought I would be going through this ever in my life considering how much I have done for my mom and dad. Death does cause people to change, unfortunately not always for the better :' (

Ron, Your response was a lot to take in, so sorry for me to take so long to get back to you; I’ve read and reread your response trying to understand your perspective. I have also been feeling under the weather and when I think a lot about my dad and everything that has happened and how much I miss him I literally get physically ill. So I’m going to try to answer as much as I can to your response. I just want to tell you how grateful I am for you to take the time and care so much to give me such a lengthy response. So please accept a big cyber thank you hug. I am truly sorry for your loss and it does seem that you and I have a lot in common (different events but the same emotional feelings). It is encouraging to know how far you have come, so I know I will get there in time. I’ve had a great support group of friends on my Facebook that I’m so grateful for. A lot of them I have been frie3nds with since childhood so some do know my other siblings and I’ve had 2 statements they have posted recently that seem to hit the core in my feelings. “Did you know that the people who are usually the strongest are usually also the most sensitive? Did you know that the people who exhibit the most kindness are usually the first to be mistreated? Did you know that the one who takes care of others all the time is usually the one who needs care the most? Do you know that the three hardest things to say are: I love you, I'm sorry, and Help me? “ “Someone once said, "There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living....Being alive is a gift, being happy is by choice ~Anonymous.” I normally don’t believe in horoscopes but the ones that have popped up recently on my FB seems like my dad is trying to talk to me, which is comforting. I’ve been trying to look at the positive, look at things that have happened and or signs that give me comfort that my dad is still with me. My oldest daughter whose 24 is having a difficult time and when I talk to her about it she shoots me down thinking I’m looking too much into everything. I told her I don’t know if they’re signs or just coincident, but if they give me comfort and make me feel better why is that wrong if it gets me through the day. Not realizing that she was getting upset thinking her Papa wasn’t giving her signs, but just me. I feel horrible by that and told her that I’m not sure how much I believe either, but if it helps me to loosen some of my hurt then I’m going to continue to look at it in a positive way. I told her when she is ready and maybe more open, maybe she can start seeing little things or signs to make her feel better too. She was extremely close to my dad as well. I went to the cemetery to see my dad for his birthday over the weekend. I took my 2 youngest boys (9 and 13) with some heart balloons and wrote with permanent marker little messages to my dad and told them we would let them go into the sky so they could make it to heaven so my dad can read them. Just anything positive I can do to turn this anger and hurt into something different so I don’t make myself even more upset then what I already am. It was a little emotional for them to think what they wanted to say to him, but when they knew they could release the balloons it made them really happy. We had a really nice time and spent several hours there, plus trying to beat the storms that kept rolling in here in AZ and having to sit in our truck to wait it out several times. I read what you posted about your sister, how horrible for your sister to act that way and not be caring about you and your other siblings to make it easy as possible and convenient for everyone. Even though she had a lawyer she still could have been a little more human and tell the lawyer to give a little more than 1 minute intervals or you lose a turn. I don’t know how I would have handled that situation. I’m glad you have been able to move past that. Your comment: “And my own behavior came up as a subject of review before other members of my family. Everybody told me I was "too intense". I couldn't really figure out what they were talking about at the time. In retrospect I can see that I was wound up and highly emotional. There were a few times I came into collision with other family members. I made a few public scenes, vented, got crabby, or was just generally disagreeable. I'm not proud of it, but it happened. So how can I fault everybody else when my own conduct was sometimes in question? It's a lot like the pot calling the kettle black. If the rest of my family is up for criticism, well then so am I.” I agree with you, I’m not perfect and I know my siblings aren’t either. My dad taught me over the years to try to be the better person and blow things off that others have done and said. I have for the most part. When I’m wrong I may not right away admit it but in time when I’ve had a chance to think about a situation I will admit when I’m wrong. My problem is when I know I haven’t done or said what I’ve been accused of, I do find myself defending assumptions and lies about me to justify proving there not true and I need to try to not take the energy to lower myself or waste time doing that. It will take time but I know I can do it. When it’s raw it’s hard to turn the other cheek. I appreciate you giving me that link, I will try to go on there to educate myself more and learn more about myself and others and how to deal with it. I did question my incident with my brother, where he physically touched me in the hospital. I wondered if he could do that in front of nurses, doctors and my own daughter. What does he do to his own wife and kids and that bothers me. So maybe that link will help me understand a little more. I’m lucky in a way because he lives all the way on the other side of the US so it’s not someone I will see all the time, so that will be a little easier as well. I will try the 'mantra'. I will think of something I can say that will help me calm situations down and tune out negativity. Your comment: “Okay, I will try to answer your question about forgiving the hateful and hurtful things. Please be patient with my answer (the rest of my post). My best one sentence answer is that you yourself, your thinking, and your feelings will have to change. You have little or no control over how your siblings or your mother behave. The only thing you can change is yourself. That's how things will get better for you. As you change and your anger diminishes, your capacity for forgiveness will grow.” It’s still raw and it will take time. Your comment: ” You suggest that your mother may have had a clear role in bringing about your father’s demise. Could it have been uncaring or slightly neglectful behavior, rather than criminally malicious behavior? What if your mother was herself depressed and was having a difficult time coping?” Yes it could be, but even after several conversations with her and pleads with her to go get help with her own anger, she refused. Even when I’ve talked to her and told her that it was affecting my dad’s health. She seemed like she didn’t care and got worse. This will take a long time to process and heal if it can. I know my dad confided in me and said he felt it was taking a toll on his health and didn’t know how much more he could handle. This bothers me more than the humiliations, offenses, disrespect, and injustices from family members. Your comment: “Here's is another way to think about it. Could you stand inside your mother's shoes and faithfully present her side of the story? Not so easy! There are always two sides to every story. Sometimes we misread other people's motives or don't get their story straight.” I’ve tried to stand in both of their shoes. I know when my husband has gone over there and seen it he has made comments that he just can’t believe the way my mother acts. I’ve always told him, this is just what we see in front of us I can’t imagine what goes on when where not around. Your comment: “All I'm suggesting is that there are ways to completely rethink your anger. Your thinking and your feelings will evolve. Over months, the anger you feel now will probably dissipate, and you'll no longer feel so stuck.” Only time will tell. I know my mom has had time to think about it now. I’ve talked to one of my mother’s sister, my Aunt who has called me in the past worried about the same issues I was worried about. She did tell me that she was only hearing one side of the story after my father’s death and now that she has talked to me; she is seeing a clearer picture. I think a lot of my mother’s anger and her actions to play other siblings against me is because she knew I knew too much and she was worried that if I had the chance to talk to them about my concerns they would see things differently as well. So what better way than to make things up against me to keep the others away from me, and I have to admit she was a genius and it worked for now. She is the only one that will truly know what she has done and her reasons for how she treated my dad and I believe she will have to answer to God for that. My Aunt did tell me that it has been difficult for my siblings to see my mom cry and hear her side and the only thing I could say back to her is my mother has talked herself into believing her assumptions and lies because I think that’s the only way she can cope with it, because if she truly was to sit down and see the truth it would be too difficult for her to accept her part in all of this. She needed my siblings on her side because she was worried what I would tell them. I’m OK with that now because I know in time others not all, will see what really happened and what’s been said. Will it change the past, no but it will I believe change their anger towards me. I know looking back that I did as much as I could to be there for my mom and dad and I’m at peace with that. I know I was a loving daughter to both of them. Your comment: “My best suggestion is that you let your feelings cool off for a couple months. Why rush anything? Concentrate on your own recovery. Stay as healthy as you can. Sleep well. Eat well. Get good social support wherever you can find it. See a counselor if you are able. And don't worry so much about having to patch family relationships. Probably your siblings and mother will also benefit from letting a little time go by. If you do decide to forgive them, you do not have to tell them directly, it can be something you do within your own heart. And don't expect anyone to admit any wrong; the best you'll probably get is a willingness to move on.” You’re right I can’t change others I can only change myself and right now maybe it’s a blessing that I’m not talking to my mom or some of my brothers and sister so it gives me time to heal and rid some of this anger. I will be meeting with a Hospice counselor next week and I’m looking forward to it, even though I know it will open some raw wounds and be emotional. But I’m ready to move on to my next step in life. Thanks again Kim

Thank you Miss Ngu for responding, and I’m sorry for the loss of your Mother also. It is strange how people change as you said with family, friends and loved ones and I too feel the same, saddened and disappointed. I hope in time things will calm down and people will have a clearer picture of what’s going on, so they can be around later. For now I’m OK with just having my immediate family here (husband and children) to eliminate all the other drama and triggers for anger. I can’t please everyone, all I can do is take comfort knowing I was there for my dad, like I know he would have been for me. I pray that you have strength and comfort as well, we can all use some. Thank you again it means a lot to hear from others as well.

I’m new to this site and I’m not sure if people respond a lot to others comments or not. I’m sorry if I was too blunt, I’m not the type of person to sugar coat things, but this is my life and what I’ve been struggling with and dealing with daily. I thank you Ron for responding at least I feel like I’m not alone, I just thought maybe there were others that have gone or are going through the same hurt and anger I’m going through. I’m sorry if I may have bothered some of you by my story, I just feel like I’m dealing with my father’s death by myself and was hoping I could share with others who are going through the same thing.

I Love that story, Thank you for sharing

Ron, Thank you for your response. You are definitely ahead of me when it comes to forgiveness. It's going to take a lot for me to get there, if I ever can. I have a lot of siblings (6) that have done so many things that were hateful and hurtful that will take a long time for that to heal and it will definitely not be overnight. My mother as well, how do you forgive her when I feel she was the one that may have caused his death at least to expedite it? I have been there for almost every one of my siblings at some point in my life, for example one of my brothers got mixed up with drugs and I literally went grocery shopping for him weekly just so he had food. He has now been clean for over 10 years and back on his feet, so that’s wonderful. I’m the type of person that tries to save everyone when they are down only to feel later that I was used, or taken advantage of. I feel like I've been used all my life but when my father became very ill, I was hoping everyone would come together like family and they didn't. My house was always the house everyone came to for the holidays for family to get together and enjoy each other’s company and cousins could play. I always did all the cooking and never really asked for anything in return. Now that my dad has passed and everyone turned against me because of my mother’s lies and assumptions (because I feel she knew she wasn't there for my dad like a loving wife should have and I was not as a wife but as a daughter) she turned against me because I as his daughter wanted my father to live. I know I need to talk to a counselor and I will be calling hospice to do that in the next week or so. Right now if I would have someone come over, they would probably listen to me crying more than getting any words out. Another thing I’m having an issue with is my youngest daughter who is 20, was staying at my parents’ house for a couple of weeks to help out with my dad, which I was grateful for but since my dad has passed she has continued to stay there even though my mom has a sister there also staying to help her out. My daughter hasn’t once called me or came by to see how I’m doing, which is very upsetting. She has 2 little brothers and an older sister and hasn’t asked how they are doing either. She just comes home grabs a few things and leaves again. I know most of the reason is she has no responsibility over there, no chores, can come and go when she pleases, etc. I feel like she just believes everything my mom is saying and not caring to know my side of the story. I’ve kept a lot from my children to protect them, example: how my mom treated my dad, what my brothers and sister have done over the years and now I feel my mom is telling her things to turn my own daughter against me as well. Ron in a way I hope I get there where you are, you are definitely stronger then I am. But then there is a part of me that thinks why should I, when over the years it’s been nothing but jealousy and hatefulness because I’ve been so close to my parents. I feel like I just didn’t lose my father I lost my entire family. My dad was the only person I felt was truly genuine family and he always told me, Kim you know you’re doing the right thing and don’t let the others bring you down. If it wasn’t for him and our talks I would have let go of everyone a long time ago. He always told me I was a good caring person and he doesn’t know what happened to the rest of them. It’s hard, I know he wouldn’t want me left behind feeling like I have no other family left, but he felt the same way as I do. I believe he felt like I was his glue as well to make him feel he had family left that cared about him. I never knew the hurt would be this bad, I feel for all the others and yourself to have to go through this. Kim

I’m having a very difficult time dealing with my Father’s death and I’m getting very angry. This is a little long but I need to give a back history, so I apologize. I was very close to my dad, actually the closest out of 7 kids. I talked to him numerous times every day. Whenever my parents needed anything I was always there for them. Most of my siblings were not there for him or my mom for years. My dad shared this disappointment in his other children with me and my mother always got angry with him for opening up about that to me. My father had congestive heart failure and suffered a stroke 9/2010. He was having difficulties since then and was told to try to live a stress free life. He was admitted this year Jan 17, 2012 because he was getting very week and wasn’t eating. My Father almost died Jan 18, 2012 he was having difficulty breathing due to the morphine they were giving him. I was there the entire day when my mother wasn’t so I talked to the doctors, they asked us to stimulate him to get the morphine out of him because they didn’t want to give him the reverse drug. By the time my mom got there (which was in the evening) he took a turn for the worse. I knew he wanted to live because we had a lot of talks that entire day and he wanted to be intubated if he started to have difficulties. He believed in resuscitation, but my mother didn’t. Well my mom just kept saying let him go that evening and wasn’t even holding his hand, I just couldn’t because I knew he wanted to live and knew he was just having troubles due to the morphine and not his heart. Well I later found out once my other siblings started to show up in town that my mom started to talk behind my back and tell them I stepped on her toes and became the wife and other things. My siblings turned on me and I actually had one of my brothers tell me in ICU that he was going to have my family thrown out of the hospital because we were getting in my mom’s way, then when I didn’t leave he body slammed me in the halls of the ICU. My dad was admitted on Tuesday evening and my mom didn’t show up at the hospital again till Wednesday evening and then when he was rushed being bagged up to ICU and they could get him stabilized they told us to leave to let him rest. I went back the next morning and once again my mom didn’t show up at the hospital till Thursday evening. So I, in no way was in her way, she wasn’t even there. I know a lot of this anger was because my mom fueled it plus I believe several are jealous of my close relationship with my dad that they really never had. My children were also very close to my dad and I think that was another issue with my siblings that their kids had a different relationship with my parents then mine did and I believe there was some jealousy there. I believe my mom was also jealous of the close relationship I had with my dad as well. I knew I had to walk on egg shells around everyone if I wanted to see my dad in the hospital and I found myself in the waiting room more than actually seeing my dad because my mom said since my siblings came into town they had the right to be there and I was able to see him all the time before he was in the hospital. I was disappointed because I’ve always been there for my dad unlike the others and I shouldn’t have been pushed away. There was one time my daughter text me to tell me no one was in his room and to hurry and sneak in there (after 6 hours waiting in the waiting room to see him and just being pushed away) so I did and I told him I just wanted to quickly see how he was doing, give him a hug and tell him I loved him. He didn’t want me to leave but I told him that mom was setting up appointment times and since everyone was in from out of town I needed to let them go first. Some even were able to have 2-3 visits that day when I was told to continue to wait outside. I have 5 brothers and 1 sister; there were a lot of things they did during their visit that upset me. Several were trying to get my dad to sign several different wills that he didn’t agree with. I told him, he should probably sign something just to make sure mom didn’t have any issues. My sister got angry at him and actually threw the will at my dad and told him he has waited long enough and how much longer did he want to wait. This is the same sister that really hasn’t been there for my parents for years, her adult children didn’t see my dad after the stroke and then when he got really sick earlier in the year they didn’t even try to form a relationship with him knowing he didn’t have much longer. The will wanted to split his assets between his 7 kids and he didn’t want that because he felt some didn’t deserve anything. One of my brothers told my dad 4 days before he died that he hated him and he was a terrible father. This brother has a lot of issues in his own life and says and does things to people especially to my dad to make himself feel better because his life is in shambles. Another brother posted pictures of my dad after he died on Facebook of him sick in the hospital which my dad specifically said not too. Another brother took pictures of my dad in his casket which I know my dad would never approve and my mom never told him to stop. Just too many other things that would take too long to list to list on here. I know my parents were having marital problems because my mom didn’t work and my dad really wanted her to get a job to loosen the stress off him. She always nagged and bickered about the littlest things, I believe she did this to stress him out more to take a toll on his life. My dad shared with me the same feelings. We had a lot of talks, he shared a lot of secrets he asked me to never tell her or others that I will have to live with the rest of my life. My father trusted me rather then turning to his friends because he didn’t want them to know. My mom had several sisters she could open up too, one which opened up to me and shared the same concerns about how my mom treated my dad. So I was really the only person to listen to my dad and be there for him. When my dad was being released from the hospital in January the doctors did tell us his heart was in bad condition and he didn’t have much longer to live. He was sent home on Hospice, the bickering and nagging didn’t stop from my mother. I tired to go over there as much as possible to help and seen it firsthand. Some of her comments made him cry and when I talked to her about it she just got mad at me and got worse. He loved her more than anything and didn’t want to leave her but he did share with me over a year ago that he didn’t know how much more he could handle. I wish he would have divorced her back then because I will always wonder if he did, would he still be here if he wasn’t under so much stress. My mom would complain to my dad that there wasn’t any income coming in but she never helped to bring more income in to help. The morning my father died, my mother stood in the hallway just repeating herself “did he stop breathing yet, is he gone yet” I’m so disturbed because I know he had to hear her, he knew he was a burden to her because she told him he was. I cry every day and my heart aches knowing my dad felt like he was a burden to my mom, he felt she thought he was a failure and ruined all their hopes and dreams. I don’t know if I will ever forgive her. She didn’t stay there with him when he was struggling to breathe and hold his hand in his final moments, like she was for her mother (my grandmother). I called 911 when I knew he may die and they couldn’t resuscitate him but did rush him to the hospital. When we got there the doctors said he was gone. We went in there to see him and say our goodbyes, my mom was maybe there for 15 minutes and then left. I held my dad in my arms for almost 3 hours just crying and telling him I would miss him and loved him and would never leave him, until the mortuary got there to pick him up. When I called my mom to ask her why she didn’t stay she said his soul was already gone and that was just the body. I just couldn’t believe that I told her that was still daddy’s body and she shouldn’t have left. Later I heard that she was telling people she left because she knew I needed my time with him and that I would stay with him till they picked him up, she never mentioned the soul thing again. Because I believe it gave her time to think about how terrible it sounded to take 15 minutes and then just leave, when everyo0ne knew she stayed with her mother after she died till the mortuary came and got her. I tried to go over there a couple of weeks ago to talk to her about all her drama she caused me with my siblings and the things she said about me and she just got nasty. The next day after my dad died she was already making plans to sell stuff and donate things. I’m devastated, I was supposed to get my fathers, mothers wedding set and once I told my mom I wanted to size it up so I could wear it in honor of him she then told me I couldn’t have it. There were things my dad told me he wanted me to have when he was in the hospital that I know I will never see because I talked my dad into signing the will over to my mom and when I went over to see her a few weeks ago she told me the will shows everything goes to me so I will do what I please with it. I wish I never talked my dad into doing that, because now I may never see anything of my dad’s that I can pass down to my kids or keep in memory of him. I know this was very long thank you so much for listening; I’m just lost and angry at so many in my family including my mother. I truly think she checked herself out of my dad’s life a long time ago and was just waiting for him to die and I truly believe she put extra stress on him because she knew it would deteriorate him faster. I’m just so sad, it’s almost been a month and I cry everyday missing him so much and wishing I could have stepped in a long time ago to change things and that maybe he would have been here a little longer. I catch me picking up the phone to call him to talk to him about it but I know I can’t. I’m just heart broken