My heart goes out to you. I posted this below on another site to help someone else who had lost a parent. I hope it helps you too. Sometimes is just helps to know there are others out there feeling the same way.
It has been almost 2 years for me since I lost my Mom to a sudden, quick and heart breaking diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. In the first year, I didn't think I would get to a place where my grieving was not all consuming. I was fortunate to have much support from my friends and sister, but it startled me to feel so desolate and uninterested in other aspects of my life after this happened. It was like I was drowning and everyone around me was aware of it and even though they were throwing me a lifeline and trying to help, no one had the ability to pull me out of the water. I felt like I needed to reinvest myself back into my world, but I just couldn't seem to get myself there because the things I spent my time doing before now seemed completely unimportant.
There was a time when it was a conscious choice to go on about my life (not suicidal thoughts, but just getting motivated to go about my daily life). It has taught me that we all make choices daily and that the loss of someone close gives you more awareness of how important your choices are. As time goes on, every little moment in time for me doesn’t lead me back to that morning I was by her side when she took her last breath. Sometimes it goes to a funny memory of my time with her, so I know things are changing for me and I am healing. She lives in me. All her good deeds, all her funny memories, all she was to everyone around her is in me and she lives on through me – not just for me, but for everyone around me as well. The good in people continues to ripple out into the world thru others and on to others, regardless of whether they are physically here or not. There is a huge void in my life without her, but I am getting better at accepting that the non-physical part of her lives in me and it is the physical presence of her that I miss so much. I do understand now that “It is worth remembering that the time of greatest gain in terms of wisdom and strength is often that of greater difficulty” – Dalai Lama. All death is to remind us of life.
I have always been a spiritual person and have an extensive library of books on the subject. There is one book that has helped me along this journey - Your Soul's Plan by Robert Schwartz. This is an amazing book for anyone interested in healing and open to seeing things in a different perspective.
Take your own time in your grief process as we all deserve the right to grieve in our own time. It's not important how long you grieve, but rather to "Take these deaths, make them meaningful, allow for their transience and complete your life with their input as part of what makes you whole, not what makes you broken" - Robert Schwartz.
I wish you peace on your journey to healing.
Patty P.
