Lina

Next month on the 8th it will have been two years since Arthur died and I have to admit it still hurts horribly. I don't feel crazy anymore and I guess it is a bit less sharp...but it still hurts every day. I still cry at every anniversary and holiday. I still need to sleep with his shirt at night and I still ache for just one more hug. Will this ever stop hurting? I am 38 years old and I miss being in a relationship. Sometimes I think about dating again in the future, but I still feel like Arthur's wife and the thought of loving another man feels so alien. Next week he will have been dead longer than we were together. The total sum of our relationship together was one year, eleven months and four days....and then he died. In two days he will have been gone for one year and eleven months. I hate that I am reaching this milestone. This much pain that just does not seem to go away makes it hard to hold onto the hope that it will get better and that eventually it won't hurt so bad....so out of desperation I ask everyone who is further down this path...does it truly get better? Will it ever stop hurting so bad it takes my breath away?

I lost my Arthur 14 months ago. I joined you all shortly after, but found that I was so filled with rage that I could not handle being here. As a young widow I felt so jealous of everyone who had gotten more time with their beloved. I still have moments when I feel angry, cheated and jealous of those who still have their beloveds. I was married to Arthur for 10 months and 4 days before he died at the age of 36. Anyway...I just wanted to let whomever remembers me know I am ok...still struggling at times...this has been a hard spring. We lost my husbands senior German Shepard right around the one year anniversary of my husbands death. That was a real blow, but his other dog Couper is doing well...which is a comfort. I still cry sometimes without warning, I still talk to him, I still feel married to him...even though people keep asking when I am going to start dating again...my answer is always "when I no longer feel like Arthur's wife." As long as I still feel married to my husband I am not going to date anyone else. I hate being called single...I did not divorce my husband...he did not choose to leave me...thus I am not single...not yet. Maybe someday I will feel single again...but for now I accept where I am on this journey and i am giving myself time to heal. I am sorry I left without warning. Everyone was so loving and supportive. I was concerned I would start lashing out at people. The rage was so huge inside me. I am doing better...but as we all know it is a process. I do feel I have made progress...I can now see my blessings...I know how blessed I am to have had the time I did...even if it was too short. I know Arthur could have died before I even met him. Our time together was a gift from God and I am grateful for it. Losing him was the most painful thing I have ever experiences, but that brief window of time was worth the pain. Loving him and being loved by him was worth the pain. When I first lost Arthur I seriously consider suicide...eventually I realized I had to live...my daughter still needs me...just recently I realize I WANT to live. I do not feel done with this journey and I feel confident that Arthur will not go too far ahead of me on his. He sent me a dream and let me know he is right there on the other side of the door, waiting for it to be my time and that he is ok waiting. I am not sure why I felt compelled to write you all...but I needed you to know I am ok...I love you all and I am grateful for all the support you gave me when I was the most lost. Knowing that what I was feeling and experiencing was "normal" helped so much. I was not crazy, I was grieving. Thank you. Love always, Lina

I was 36 when I lost my husband very unexpectedly to heart problems 14 months ago. I did end up joining a young widows group on facebook. Everyone here is very nice and supportive, but I felt I needed to talk to others who had an experience closer to mine. I did not get to spend 40 years with my beloved and found I was having a lot of anger issues come up...and honestly a lot of jealousy...so finding a group of young widows and widowers was helpful to me. I am very sorry for your loss. *hugs*

Arthur has been gone for 14 months and I still talk to him regularly.

I am so very sorry. *hugs*

Honestly unless the house belongs to your son (step-son?) you need to tell him to leave. If the house is yours then you have the right to control what happens in it and how you are treated. He has no right to smoke in your home or disrespect you the way he is. He is causing distress for your grandchildren who in my opinion are more important since they are the children. Also remember that just because a teenager acts like they do not like you does NOT mean they no longer need you...in fact it may well mean they need you more. I tell my daughter it is not my job to be her friend, I am her mom, not her BFF. *GIANT HUGS* You deserve to like YOU....honey remember you are worth loving and liking.

I am so sorry. I am praying and sending lots of healing thoughts....and of course hugs.

*hugs* I am so sorry.

I think it is normal to have days where you just don't function...I truly think it is part of the grieving process. I know I have days where I feel like I have just shut off...I feel numb, brain dead and useless. I have other days where I can't seem to stop crying...and there are days where I seem ok....grieving is not something you are just done with one day...it is a process. *hugs*

Dude is a Cat and I do not feed him people food, but thank you. I sometimes give my dogs tiny amounts of things like turkey, but only tiny amounts.

Congratulations to you and the Glorious Bentley.

*giant hugs* I am so glad you celebrated your anniversary in such a special way.

I did want to add...I know the song is written as a conversation between a widow and her husband, but truly I think it works for anyone who has lost their partner in life. *hugs* I am not in anyway trying to exclude anyone. I am simply writing from the perspective of a widow. *hugs* I honor everyone here. Sending love and *hugs*

I think it looks great. I love that when you post a link from youtube it now shows up in the message. That is a really neat feature I was not expecting when I saw it yesterday.

Dude seems to be doing a better. The vet diagnosed him as having Pancreatitis and said it could flair back up without warning or this could be a one time thing. I am just glad he seems better. He threw up repeatedly for five days and was not eating. Truly he scared me silly. My Dude is what makes my bed bearable. He snuggles with me every night and when I am aching because Arthur is not there Dude purrs me to sleep. Kay I am sorry your dog has been sick. Do you know what is going on with him? I think the thing that makes me so mad about being told I am strong and brave is that I am not...I am simply doing what has to be done. I figure I can give up and commit suicide, drink myself into numbness, take up drugs or some other form of self destructive numbing...but if I do that I am giving up on my daughter. So maybe it is brave and strong to live, to breath, to admit it hurts like all get out...but it is not stronger or braver than the person talking to me would find themselves. By and large we either give up and die or we keep on going. Personally I don't really feel like I have a choice as a mom. I can't give up yet...that is not being strong, that is just putting one foot in front of the other. Enna, thank you for calling Arthur a hero also...it is funny he always insisted he wasn't and I would reply that he did not have to think of himself as a hero, he just needed to remember he was MY hero and that I was proud of him. He was such an amazing mix of strong, brave, tender and determined. He always seemed to know where he was going and what his goal was. I admired that so much in him. I used to ask him if it was possible to love someone too much...he always assured me I could love him as much as I wanted and he would be happy to accept it all. I don't think he realized that my fear was not in loving him in life, but how it would destroy me to lose someone I loved like that. Truly I loved him more than I thought it was possible to love a man. I loved him with my heart, body and soul. Every fiber of me craved to be near him. I missed him when he was at work and always felt overflowing with joy when he walked in the door. I used to snuggle my face into his chest and breath deep, telling him I was trying to absorb him in so that he would never be truly away from me. I was so paranoid about losing him. He was late once from work and did not think to call...he found me in the garden watering his plants sobbing, terrified something had happened...he ALWAYS called after that. I felt insane about him. It scared me how much I loved him. I used to ask him if I made him feel smothered and he assured me that he loved it...honestly though if there was anyone who needed love like that it was Arthur. He clung to me the way I clung to him. We were each others universe. I told him he was the most wonderful gift from God and that I would always be grateful. I am still grateful, even though this hurts so much. Have you heard the song "little talks" by Monsters and Men? That song always makes me cry...but I have to say that it expresses the experience of being a widow so eloquently. It contains a conversation between a widow and her dead husband...so heart wrenching. (Here is a link to the song with Lyrics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onsvUSp_y_I )

My Arthur was a combat veteran....I can't help but find it ironic that he survived war, but died at 36 in a VA hospital while working as an RN. Sometimes life's ironies suck. This week has been pretty intense, my cat has been sick and my fear of losing Dude has triggered waves of grief for Arthur. I have also had waves of anger. When I am not crying because I miss my husband so much I am filled with rage that the universe stole him from me. I am going through a "life is not fair" stage where I feel like yelling at the universe and demanding it bring him back to me. Sadly fits do not work...otherwise he would be here with me now. People keep telling me I am so strong and how they could not be as strong as I am. I am not sure why being told that makes me want to scream...obviously they have not seen me at three every morning sobbing. I have decided that three AM needs to be called "the crying hour". I am including a picture of my beautiful Arthur when he was in the army. I was so proud of him, both for his willingness to do what he thought was right and for how hard he worked at recovering when he got home with severe PTSD. My beloved worked harder than anyone else I know to become the man he wanted to be. He truly was my hero.

I sleep with Arthur's shirt every night. I rub it between my fingers as I fall asleep. I do not have the clothes he wore last, they were work clothes scrubs (he was an RN) and I suspect they were either cut off him while they were trying to save him or later at the autopsy. I wish they had given them back to me..at least his shoes...but they did not. They did give me his glasses and the things he had in his pockets and I have the shirt he wore earlier in the day before dressing for work and that is the one I sleep with. I do not think there is any harm in these things we do or keep to help us feel close to our beloved.

I know that this is normal, but apathy is tough...I know all the things I NEED to do, but I just don't have the energy or drive to do any of it. I feel so tired. Sometimes I wonder why I fight so hard to keep on going. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I wish I were older and thus closer to "my time" so that I could at least know that I don't have as long to wait till I can see Arthur again. Is it my age that seems to make people think I should be ready to bounce back from losing my husband? I get the whole "But you are so young, you can start over again" thing. I have been asked when I will start dating again. My response was "when I don't feel married anymore."

I have struggled with this also. Being in our mid-30's and newly weds our sex life was very healthy and I miss that a lot. I have a hard time imagining wanting to be with anyone else and so I find myself mourning that also.

I have not gotten rid of Arthur's toothbrush either...it is still in the medicine cabinet. I did let go of some of his clothes, but not the ones he wore all the time, just some of the ones he had tucked a way for when his current supply wore out.

Honestly I don't know how people do this without kids. Sophia has been such a huge source of hope, joy and a reason to keep going. I am not sure I would have had the strength to go through this if I did not have her. She is the reason I smile, she makes me laugh when it feels like there is nothing to be happy about...she is my little snuggle buddy and the one who is always happy to see me. Knowing Sophia needs me keeps me going. It is why I am fighting to survive this and why I know I can't give in to this feeling of drowning in my grief. I have to fight, I have to swim, I have to get sleep, drink water and try to eat healthy food. If I can't take care of me for me yet, at least I have to take care of me for her. I am doing a little bit better today. Sophia and I had a long snuggle with our chihuahua and kittens. We cuddled, and giggled and petted warm fuzzy tummies. I am sure tonight a giant wave will come along and sweep me off my feet again...but at least I have that wonderful moment of hope to cling to...those moments feel like a life raft and I just need to keep a grip on it. *hugs*, love and prayers

On the eight it will be six months since Artur died. I am not handling this well. My sleeping schedule has going to hell in a hand basket. I was up till six in the morning today. I can't seem to focus on anything. I feel honestly as though I am going insane. I am back to crying all the time. I feel as though I am sinking into some kind of depression. Is this NORMAL? I am honestly starting to think I need to talk to my Dr about getting medicated if this hasn't improved after the 8th. I know part of it is the whole six month thing and part of it is that Arthur's Birthday is the 23rd. I keep on thinking that he should be turning 37 not dead. I am including a pictures of Arthur and Sophia from last year....I seem to be spending a lot of time thinking "this time last year we were....", it is like I want to go back in time and live then not now.

I love dreaming about Arthur...they don't happen very often, but I long for them so. It feels like for brief moments I get him back. I almost always dream that he is alive and somehow it was all a mistake and tell him about how horrible it was and how I need to call everyone because we have all been devastated by his dieing. One time I dreamed that I got to tell him he had a heart problem and that he needed to get it fixed right away because I dreamed he died and I just could not bear for it to be real.