Brokency

Yeah, that's going to help, talk it to death, and swirl in the misery over his attraction to another woman. There is no reasoning behind it, people do dumb things, that's the reason. Do you think any reason he could throw out there would make her feel better about it? "She was hotter than you." "She seemed less crazy than you." "I was tired of you." ?????? Seriously, there isn't a good reason and it's preposterous to sit around and try to make sense of something that has a senseless base which encompasses all cheating and infidelity ever. That's why you either trust each other and move forward or decide that your trust has been betrayed to the point that you need to move on with someone else. You can't stay in a relationship with suspicion, and yes you will find something if you are looking for it. A casual friendly chat with a female might look awfully suspicious on FB if he's a flirty friendly man--even if the entire conversation is completely innocent. Texting to a female looks suspicious if you are looking at #'s on a phone bill, but you don't know what was said, you don't know if it's something to worry with. And you can't babysit your man, it demasculates him, which will ruin the relationship anyway b/c no woman wants to be with a leashed man and no man wants to be the man on a leash!! Telling a woman to go to her man and talk out the reasoning behind his dumb behavior---seriously he's going to run for the hills and never look back b/c he knows it's obvious she'll never let it go. Sometimes it is best to just leave well enough alone, let sleeping dogs lie--this is for her mental peace and whatever possibility is left for a relationship.

Sounds like your boyfriend definitely has trouble with commitment, and from everything you've written--I truly hope that his heart is in this and he's not stringing you along b/c he hasn't found a replacement yet. The issue with the co-worker is a huge issue, b/c he was looking for someone else--she simply rejected him. If she had not, then where would you be right now? Now, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you--that just means he's selfish and when you two were having trouble, he went looking for greener grass rather than watering his own plot. This shows weakness and lack of dedication. However, we all have our flaws right? I'm usually the first to give a person the benefit of the doubt. However, I'm going to tell you how to keep this guy if YOU want him--not if he wants YOU. This is not easy, and it is a matter of controlling your own mind and emotions--difficult but doable. First, you must forget the insecurity he has caused. Just forget it, let it go. You are better than that and you know it deep down, which is why it makes you angry under the surface that he even treats you this way. His uneasiness and fear of commitment is about HIM, not about you! Don't check up on him, phone, email, or FB--when you are looking for something suspicious, you will find it I promise--plus you will drive yourself crazy in the process. You are right, once those seeds of doubt and suspicion are planted---well that ugly snowball just keeps getting bigger, at the least in your mind. But this all comes down to choices b/c you can't sacrifice your emotional stability for this man. So choose to trust him or not, but don't choose to trust him while you are still checking up on him b/c that will only make YOU crazy and HIM think you are crazy. I had to break the habit myself of checking on my boyfriend's phone calls & FB every morning---force yourself to let that go in your mind. If he is being shady, that choice is his and the truth will come out in the end. Don't feel like you are being a fool to not pry and dig b/c you know you may have reason to, b/c in the end, if he is crossing the line speaking with some female and say you bust him b/c you've been doing your 'research'--well he'll only justify it in his mind when you break up 'b/c she was a crazy jealous girl anyway.' Are you following my reasoning here? My whole point is, this checking up on him & not trusting him is only hurting you and your relationship, so you must choose what you want to do, and those choices do not include continuing the relationship with a lack of trust b/c if you start building on poop, well..... So, if it's possible, wipe the board clean. Today is a new day, and it's your day to do with what you want. Go look in the mirror and list off every good quality you have. Build yourself back up b/c this whole process has been nothing but tearing you down. Don't be afraid to be alone. Love yourself and find things that make you happy. Man are afraid of commitment b/c they are scared of being tied down, controlled, losing their freedom etc. Therefore the best way to reel in a guy who is afraid of settling down would be to prove that is not who you are (providing that is not who you are lol). If he wants time, give him time--and take your own time--don't use that time to wallow in where he's going or what he's doing. You go have yourself some fun, and laugh to yourself at what he's missing. I know this probably sounds wacky, but girl you can put that ball back in your side of the court, you just have to reach out and grab it. You are too available for this guy. He thinks he can pick you up and put you back down according to his own emotional roller coaster, and you shouldn't be available for that....not when the terms involve not being committed to you. Focus on making yourself happy, and when you are truly content, it will be evident to everyone around you--and honestly it will bug the crap out of him that you are so happy and okay without his influence. Right now, he thinks you need him, he thinks your happiness is dependent on his return. You shake that solid ground that his brazen confidence is settled on and he'll be running back to try to win you over again. You talked about how he said all those things at the beginning of a relationship about being in love with you and wanting to get married etc. I read somewhere a long time ago that when men do that, it's not b/c that is how they feel but b/c they want to gauge how you feel. If it's been a month and they are professing their undying love, and you gush back that you love them so much, then they know they've got you hooked. However, if you look at them a little taken aback, and say you care about them a lot or something....then they know they have more work to do to 'win' you. For men, it's about earning a good woman, and they don't want anything that comes too easily. Now I'm not saying play hard to get or anything like that, I'm just saying when you are needy, he perceives it and runs from it. Stand on your own grand as a strong, glorious, happy woman, and he will be begging to be in your favor. Might sound crazy, but just try it. I learned this from a relationship expert who taught a dating course--and I was highly doubtful myself--but when I employ the tactic, I am always amazed how men will eat out of the palm of my hand. And no this is not some childish game, but that's the whole point--this is NOT a game--this is about you and your happiness. Quit worrying about how you aren't good enough for him, and start thinking of how he needs to be to keep you happy. Men are very smart, just so as women--but when it comes to relationships, they are kind of dumb. YOU set the bar and they will rise to the occasion--it's born into them. So if you have low expectations, that is what you will get, and you will always be left wanting and wondering why you aren't getting more. If you set the bar high, again, you are taking charge of your own happiness and not letting someone else have that control. Take the control away from him and you will win back your own life and mental peace, and probably him as well, or whatever guy that is deserving of you. PS I've been head over head over head over heels, and I know feeling like he's the only one....but no matter what....remember there are lots of fish in the sea, and with time you will love again regardless of the outcome. So don't worry about the outcome, focus on the right now and what you need to be happy in this moment, with or without him. Hope this helps.

Well, part of your problem is that you were only dating a few weeks when all of this happened. And the saying is that you are only as attached to your relationship as what you have invested in. While you have continued investing your heart, thoughts, and actions to her & pursuing your relationship, she has not invested in that--b/c she is absorbed in her own grief or she did not reciprocate your feelings of connection. I don't mean that to sound harsh, just throwing some reasoning out there. I've gone through the same thing with my current boyfriend, who tried to shut me out completely after his mother died, while I had stood by his side through her sickness, cancer, and then death. I didn't understand it then and I don't understand it now. But I did persist, and we are still together, although we were broken up for two months. However, we had a little more time together prior to the tragedy. I also lost my husband, the father of my children, in a car wreck 8 years ago. I vividly remember being absolutely unable to think outside of my own head for the first few months. It wasn't intentional, and I even had close friends say later on that I had hurt them by my actions of indifference. I never meant to be that way, but it was like I was so lost inside my own grief swirling in my head, trying to figure out my place and direction in life now....I was unable to carry on meaningful conversations or even light banter with people. Also, on top of that, I felt entitled to my callousness in a way--like life had been so cold to me, that I was entitled to be cold to the world. This did wear off slowly--and I think by 6 months after, I was not 'over it' but I was to the point of being able to converse and function again. It's hard to say without knowing you and her and your relationship. I know I waited for my boyfriend to come around and he did. But the difficulty didn't end there, his grief is still ongoing, and there are still times that I have to walk on eggshells b/c I know he is having a hard day with his loss. That part doesn't feel good--it's undeserved--his mom's passing wasn't my fault, but yet I am the one that he chose to shut out. Honestly, the way he treated me in those 2 months apart still hurts!! I still question everything in my head b/c it was so foreign and strange for us to go from being madly in love to being treated like an acquaintance who was stalking him or something!! That pain doesn't go away, but I made the decision that I loved him enough to forgive him this--although the pain itself hasn't been forgotten just yet. I feel like I have gone on and on and not really given any advice--this is such a difficult situation, and there doesn't seem to be a cut and dry explanation. You do have to reach the point of protecting yourself though. When I finally gave up on pursuing my boyfriend, texting him, calling him, checking in with him.....when I closed off myself to protect myself from his grief---this is when he came back to me. So, my best advice would be to focus on yourself and your own needs and keeping yourself peaceful and happy. You have to let it be what it is--if she comes back to you, then you can reassess and decide if your heart is still in it, but if she does not, then you haven't driven yourself to the point of madness over it. Kayc is quite right, we can be noble and giving of ourselves, but you reach a point when you are tearing yourself down to serve their purpose, and in the end, that will leave you resentful, and in their grief--they are so self-centered in the grief that they will not understand you being hurt by them. Just like I didn't understand when my best friend told me I hurt her feelings after my husband died. I wanted to say "Who gives a flying *&% if your feelings are hurt--my husband just died!!!" I loved my best friend, and she is still my best friend, and I'd never purposefully hurt her....but at the time, her speaking to me as if she was demanding an apology during a time when I had nothing to give--I saw her as being selfish and self-centered, when it was in fact me that was being cold. So, that's a little bit from both sides of the fence, hope it helps, and I wish you the very best.

Hello again, I wanted to check in and update everyone on how things were going. It was very unstable when we first got back together, but as time has gone on, our relationship is now stronger and better than ever. We have somehow reclaimed the love that we had before his mom passed, but as a bonus, it's a stronger love than ever. Now it's not always perfect, obviously, but having shown true committment, even through his difficulty with grieving--I think it made him decide that I was the one for him b/c he is no longer indecisive and ambivalent about our relationship. It was a lot of heartache and work, but sometimes you get out what you put in. Sometimes it can be saved, and sometimes it can not. The best tool for me was to quit worrying and obsessing over how he was doing and if he needed me and why he wasn't checking in with me, etc etc. I just let things be and focused on making myself happy during a time when he has no joy to give--by focusing on taking care of myself, it seemed to give him the 'ok' to proceed with his grieving however he needed to, and in way less time than I expected, he was back to looking at me and speaking to me in that loving way I used to know. It's been 3 months since we got back together, and I hope that maybe that gives someone hope. I hate to advise anyone to hang in there at the detriment of themselves, but if you know there's real love there, then sometimes you have to sacrifice a bit for the sake of the relationship. On the other hand, I want to make it clear that we never cut off contact completely. He went for periods of not speaking to me much at all--even down to say a couple of texts a day or a short 2-min phone call, but we never went a single day without speaking in some way.....I feel like situations are different than mine when the scenario is the person chooses to cut you out of their life and then they take the motions to do so. The way my situation was different was that although he said he didn't want me in his life and gave me the cold shoulder and pushed me away in his grief---he never actually took the steps to cut off contact, even in the months we were broken up. I wish everyone the very best, death is so earth-shattering at times....it is one of our tests and trials as humans to deal with. At the end of the day, we can only do our best and hope it's enough.

Sounds like maybe you loved him? Are you certain your reasons justified ending the relationship? Only you know this, but if you felt this strongly about this individual, then maybe it's worth working through some things.

I just wanted to come back and post an update. We are doing pretty well, all things considered. There are times when things are wonderful and much like they were before his mother died. Then there are times when he is upset and he needs to vent, and it's very hard for me to listen and absorb it. It's not because he's being mean or rude toward me b/c he's not like that, but rather b/c it's hard for me to deal with him being that angry and upset when there's nothing I can do or say to help. There have been times I just listen on the phone and cry in silence. I don't want him to know how upsetting it is to me or he probably wouldn't feel comfortable to vent to me. My point is just that it's not easy. It's a grief process, and it's very hard to go through. On the other hand, I feel like we have been growing closer than ever, seeing each other in new ways, seeing ourselves in new ways due to our interraction with each other.....we are growing as people and as a couple. It's very trying, but it's worth it. I still get bouts of sadness, mourning the love that I lost, b/c it will never be the same, even if it grows back stronger than it ever was--it'll never be the same and that makes me sad. He tries very hard to be thoughtful and romantic, and it touches me that he makes the effort. It was worth the isolation he put me through, but that is only with us coming back together as an end result. I'll check back in a couple of months with an update, but I'd just like to say that not all relationships have to end over this, even when that is their initial response.

Wow. You picked out everything I said about him pushing me away. That's why I came here to this forum, to vent about the bad feelings I was having, b/c I didn't feel it was proper to cry to him about it. I don't know if you've lost anyone close to you, but after my husband died, you DO push everyone in your life away. It's very common in grief--obviously from the forum here that is true. But if everyone in that person runs away when pushed away, that grieving person is left alone, broken and angry. That's why God made us, to show love and share love. Not to run away at the first sign of turmoil. That's what this was for us--the first turmoil in our 'perfect' relationship. Yes, I had bad feelings about it. Of course it hurt me!! He was hurting and dying inside, and with that my heart was crying. It's like you are saying b/c I had these bad feelings and b/c he did these things that our relationship is doomed and I shouldn't be hopeful. He didn't flipflop his emotions or play games with me. I broke up with him. He reacted by refusing to get back with me when I tried and going on a date with another girl. He regretted that right after, came and talked to me about it, and said he wanted to work on us and our relationship, meanwhile not wanting to physically have me around. That has changed now as well, as he now wants me with him. But even through the worst of times we talked daily, emailed, texted, video chatted....I've said all this before though. It seems like you've selected a few sentences from everything I've said and ran with it. I'm very sorry that your relationship ended the way that it did. That man was cruel and wrong for treating you that way. But that doesn't mean that my relationship is going to end, and I shouldn't expect it to b/c as of right now I have NO signs that it's going to and if anything, the point of rock bottom for our relationship was when I posted a thread on this forum, and from that point everything has turned around. It has been a continuous progression of his grieving process. I feel that we are falling in love all over again and sharing an intimacy at this point that we may not have even reached if not for this tragedy. I'm so thankful that I did hang on and wait for it. Those two months felt like the longest months of my life as my heart ached as his did. But it was worth every second to save the love that we have, and I would do it again if I had to. Real commitment isn't about abandoning someone b/c they don't treat you in just the right way. He was wrong for treating me that way, but I had a lot of nasty things to say to him in the process as well. Maybe that's the fault of getting advice on a forum, b/c you are only getting one side of the story. You may think it's silly for me to hang on and think me foolish, but I knew when I met this man that he was the one I wanted for me, and I still know. I would be fine without him, I lead a very full life on my own....but that was my point, I CHOOSE to be with him, I CHOOSE to endure b/c it's worth it for me. You said it yourself, it's been 2 years and this guy has not attempted to get back with you. It's been two months, and my boyfriend has begged for forgiveness and said I was a truly awesome person and a better person than he for being loyal and not leaving him in the dust, and that he wants to try to heal the wounds that have been made from all this and fix our relationship to be stronger than ever before. He DOES want to be with me, and he's very plain about that. I'm sorry but it's just not the same. You can't write someone off for having doubts in a time of serious grief; that's only to be expected. I have my share of doubts as we all do, and that's without the added pain of a devastating loss.

Oh and I'm sorry if you took what I said as meaning that you gave me bad advice b/c I didn't mean that at all! I as very thankful for the advice I was given b/c it shed some light on the subject and I was able to look at things from a different angle, which is just what I needed to dig deep and understand what direction I needed to go in.

I'm not sure why it sounded like I got dumped? Even in my original thread, I stated that I ended things with him, but yes it was b/c I couldn't deal with his anger and grief, in a new relationship especially. We were together 10 months when his mom died. I think if we'd been together for some years or married etc, that we both would have coped better. He didn't deal with it well at all, and I didn't deal well with him not dealing with it well lol! However, we have worked through so much in the last couple of weeks. He is finally coming to me as his place of refuge, and I'm seeing some of the man that I knew before all of this happened. We had a great weekend together. You are right, it may be too soon to tell, but with the open communication we are having now, I feel like we will be fine. I could be wrong, but I believe in trusting your gut instinct and that's what mine tells me. I just wanted to be clear that if he had ever said he didn't love me, didn't want a relationship with me, and cut off contact with me, then I would have had no choice but to move on with my life. That's what I was saying to Om85, b/c I don't know what was said between them. My boyfriend always maintained that he loved me very much, but kept saying he couldn't handle a relationship with me 'right now'--looking back I think it was the turmoil that our relationship had gotten into that was too much for him during his time of grief. Either way though, he always stated that he wanted to work at building our relationship back, I just couldn't grasp the whole "I don't want to be with you right now" thing. But I respected his wishes, and it worked out well....hope it continues to.

Om85, this is where my relationship is different. When I came on this site, every thread I read was the same. Parent/loved one dies, mourner dumps significant other, leaves them lost and alone, and they are left wondering what just happened and where to go next. In my relationship, I got very hurt from being pushed away constantly and from the constant anger I was getting from my boyfriend, so I continuously said "I'm done with this" until one day after about the 3rd time I had said that after one of our many arguments (which was continuous in the month after his mom's death) he said "find I'm done too." So, the difference is that I broke up with him, and then he was reluctant to get back together with me. Although there were a couple of times that he said we were done completely when he was very depressed or angry, overall he maintained that he wanted to be with me but he didn't have it in him right then but he wanted to continue to heal himself and our relationship so we could build back what we had lost. We never went a single day without talking, and although him keeping me at arm's distance for 2 months, refusing to let me even see him face to face, it hurt like hell and I felt like I died a little bit every single day that he refused to let us be together. I felt like a huge loser--at once point literally crying and begging him to let me simply come see him and he refused. It was at that point that I wrote him the long letter telling him I couldn't do it anymore and I had to move on. But then I realized that if I walk away now, we would never have anything, whereas if I gave him what he wanted--space--then I had hope that our relationship would heal. Kayc is right though. If she is saying she doesn't want to be with you and is plain and continuous in that, then that is what you have to respect. If Rich had ever told me "I want you to leave me alone and we are done, etc." I would have had no choice but to go with that as well. No one wants to be a martyr in the relationship, and no one should endure not having your needs met. I don't want to steer you in the wrong direction or give you bad advice, b/c it's definitely not good to stay in a relationship where you feel like harm is being done to you. My whole point was just that love is not always fun and butterflies, and sometimes it takes digging really deep and staying strong when your significant other is weak. But only you are inside of what is going on between you and your girl, so only you know what you are getting from her. If she says most of the time that she loves you and wants to work things out, but has an occasional depressed bout of 'I want nothing to do with you' (which is NORMAL in the grieving process for people to push ALL loved ones away) then she likely MEANS that she wants to be with you but is lost in her own emotional process right now. However, if she is just sticking with generally doesn't want to be with you, doesn't want anything to do with you....well you have to respect her wishes. Let her come to you though. That was my point in 'accepting the situation as it is.' Give her the opportunity to come to you, and if she does not, then you have your answer. I gave my guy some time and space (2 months which felt like 2 years) and he did then come to me. Every relationship is unique and difference, and only you know in your heart and soul what needs to be done. I know when I got to the very bottom of my despair, I could identify that I wanted to run to protect myself, but knew if I hung in there that we would probably be okay---I just had to accept some pain in the process of working it out, and that's what I did not want to do. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were before his mom died. And that's just not happening. But I'm okay with moving forward and building our relationship into something stronger than it ever was before. I think it takes some serious soul-searching though to make yourself see clearly what exactly it is you are feeling and what you need to do with that info. I don't think everyone needs to just hang in there, when the other person is abusing the relationship, I just know personally if I'd taken the advice I was given & broke it off with him, that we would not be together now and working toward something beautiful. It still hurts sometimes. I have to work on my own anger about everything that was said and done and all the being pushed away. But it's still worth it b/c of what we have now....that's just my personal experience, to each his own.

There's so many sides to this, and each individual's situation varies so much--like you said, sure would be easier if there was an instructional manual on how to deal with this. Personally, I got to the point where I was obsessing about our relationship, I was analyzing every action I made....pretty much just driving myself crazy wondering where I went wrong and why he all of a sudden couldn't stand the sight of me!! I didn't eat for a few weeks, didn't sleep, etc. But once I got to the point of acceptance, that's when things started to improve between the two of us. There is a saying that goes something like "Pain is part of life. Suffering is simply refusing to accept the pain." I'm no glutton for punishment ha, but for me....I had to quit trying to change the situation from what it was. I had to try to quit coming at my boyfriend, trying to pull him out of his slump, trying to seek out the love I knew was in there if I only I could get through to him. I simply (but not simply haha) accepted the situation as it is---a tragedy that unfortunately is a part of life--and made the decision to ride it out b/c our love is worth that. In the end if he changes his mind, then I will be okay, and you will be okay. But we both will know we have done our best in the situation, regardless of what fate has done--and that's how I can sleep at night if he so chooses to move on with his life without me--I'll know I gave it my all, and that's just how I choose to live my life. If something is worth doing, it's worth giving your heart and soul to. Anyway though--once I came to that point of accepting the situation and simply trying to be there for my guy---kinda just sitting back in the shadows and letting him come to me and being loving & supportive when he did. Within a few weeks, the entire dynamic between us changed. We quit arguing and the cold space between us slowly closed. At this moment, he's back to talking about how we are going to spend our lives together and how he loves me so much....says he thinks I'm a better person than he is for putting up with all this. His attitude has changed so abruptly--it wasn't just a week or so ago that he was telling me that he didn't know how things could be repaired between us and he just needed to be close to his dad and no one else, etc.... I don't know if this will last, but I hope if I continue to be loving support---at the very least that makes me a valuable friend to have. I know I'm cherishing these moments right now, this glimpse of that guy I used to know and love. Their old selves ARE in there....just lost under all the grief. I have no doubts that there will be another wave of grief that pulls him away from me, and I will be sad to see him retreat back into himself. But I also will choose to believe & have faith in him that he will heal. You know your girl--after 5 years--you know who she is and what she's about, and what's underneath the surface. Trust what you know about her. You are doing what you need to do, as far as taking care of yourself--so that's all you can do right now! You have to put away the self-doubt and somehow handle the void that is there while she is healing. I believe it will be worthwhile...maybe I'm wrong....but I know I have to keep trying. Kayc has said, and I totally agree, that you know when you are to the breaking point--when this situation starts to break you down, and that's the point where you have to protect yourself. Only you know what that point is. I thought I had gotten to that point myself....wrote a very lengthy break up letter...and it was in the process of talking myself into giving him the letter that I realized I was not done trying not by any means. That entire letter in a nutshell was saying "I'm hurting so bad and I can't do this anymore." We can turn our backs on them and try to move on---but they can't turn their back on their grief and avoid it. So I put that letter in my bottom desk drawer, because I knew for me, I have a whole lot of strength of character and this is not all I've got. I will not be broken by this even if I feel like it sometimes (hence Broken Cy ha)....but I will give it my best!

Wow, I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this! It takes some serious strength of character to not be the 'victim' b/c really you do feel like that! It's just like you said, you woke up one day, and everything you thought you knew you loved and relied on....it was jerked from under your feet like a rug. And you are left landing on your ass, wondering what in the world happened when you had a love so perfect you thought it was untouchable. I know this all too well b/c I'm going through this with my boyfriend. He lost his mother to cancer 3 months ago, and for almost a month, I thought it would be the end of us. I found this site in my research and seeking answers. My first husband died when I was only 23, so I'm familiar with what grief is about. And still yet, I was unprepared for this--I had no idea how to help or how to give him the support that he needed. My biggest backfire was trying to give him what I remembered that I had needed in my grief--which was to not be left alone and encouraged to talk. Welp, he's a dude and I'm a girl, so...let's just say that blew up all over my face, b/c he got to the point where he just wanted me to leave him alone, all the while I was scared to leave him alone, thinking he might fall apart without me. I guess that sounds silly, but by this point, I felt like I was trying to hold tightly to sand that was slipping through our fingers. And before his mother's death, our love was a rock!!! I am still hanging in there with him....he didn't want to be with me for a while. He even went so far as to go out with another girl after we broke up, but then heavily regretted it and said he did it just b/c he was mad at me for reacting the way that I did. Who knows what that even was that I did, b/c it seemed like for the first couple of months everything I said made him angry--it was like your girlfriend said--all that grief was fueled into anger at me somehow!!! Despite that I was like you--I was right there by his side through the illness and death and funeral--never imagining abandoning him in his hour of grief. We just spent this past weekend togther for the first time in almost two months. My heart broke a little more everyday that he refused to see me in person--keeping me at arm's length--excluding me to contact through only phone or text. Now his tune has entirel changed, he says he's always loved me, and I was the only girl his mother ever really liked or loved, and that he really just needs to figure out how to be himself again before he has what it takes to dedicate to a relationship. It's along the same lines of what your gf said, about trying to find a place to be whole and healthy before entering a relationship again. Right now, I am metaphorically holding me breath--hoping he doesn't change his mind again--waiting for the next wave of grief to unsettle my entire life. I'm like you, I could very easily get someone else. But I'm also like you, in that I don't want anyone else. Having this time apart has only instilled in me how very much I do love him and want to have a life together, b/c there were many times I wanted to turn my back and say "I've had enough of this" and revert to protecting my heart and healing from the sudden loss of our love. I have chosen to continue being strong. Watching his mother waste away and then die was heartwrenching for me--I felt that loss with every inch of my soul, all the while sort of feeling like I had no right to my own grief b/c it paled so much in comparison to what he is going through. I mostly wanted to write to simply give you some encouragement. I read somewhere "don't ever let anyone tell you that your love is over." I've thought about that statement many times through this...and we're not talking about stalker stuff haha...but I think right now they are unsure of everything in life. Their loss and grief has knocked the wind out of them, and they are simply trying to cope and get by day to day. Every single day my heart aches for my lost love, I'm all too painfully aware that the same sense of loss is eating at his mind and heart, but for the loss of his mother. I just get so hurt and angry that our love took second place to everything once this happened---going from saying we are soulmates and the other half of one another. We had a beautiful 'perfect' love too. But I keep on staying strong, keep on digging deeper and deeper....b/c I guess the difference is they will never get their parent back, meanwhile we have hope they will come to their senses and we will regain that lost love. Sometimes I find myself constantly fighting the urge to scream and cry. I want to tell him how bad it hurts....how it's not fair to take his love away from me...how his mom didn't choose to pass that way, but he is choosing to throw our love away....I know if I said any of these things it would be a trainwreck b/c it's really my own sadness and pain speaking, but all the same these are the thoughts that drum through my head these days. It's a battle to not put your feelings first. It's a battle to not become the victim. I remind myself constantly that they did not choose this any more than we did, and it's a swift blow by the hand of fate to everything we held dear in our lives. I finally had a breakthrough....after staying awake all night one night, crying (and I'm not usually a weepy girl seriously)...that night I literally felt physical pain in my chest, as if my heart might actually burst at any second from the sheer pain of my grief. I woke up knowing I had to distance myself from the situation to a degree--to keep my own sanity & continue my life in a healthy manner--but with that same conclusion I realized that I love this man enough to be the best friend he's ever had, b/c real love isn't just about the good times. It's about showing that you won't abandon them in their darkest hour. People lash out when they are hurting the most, and they lash out the most at the people that they love the most. It comes down to a simple choice to walk away or to stand strong. When it's all said and done, when they find some strength and peace within themselves, they will think more clearly. Until then, I'm afraid we are on the roller coaster of grief with them, and that process is unique and different for each individual. They don't have the right to push us around or lash out at us b/c of their grief....they are wrong for that in every way....but truth be told, they know they are wrong, they just hope we will be strong enough to love them through it. There's no right way to do this, there's no way to know what to do or say---you can only prove that your love is real and strong. It's also very common for people in grief to make sudden big decisions--as in the LA job you mentioned--I personally decided on a whim to join the military 6 months after my husband died. You have to watch out fot that & discourage it if possible--it's good that her mom is on board with that as well. They are seeking and searching for a purpose in life right now, and this is part of that.

Kayc, I agree with you, from everything I've read here, it IS like a script that plays out again and again. I suppose we all hope that we are the ones to be the exception to the rule, so of course that is my hope for my love. But I'm glad to have this experience and this advice, so I can move forward with this, knowing what to look for and keeping my eyes wide open to protect myself. I want to be a good loving person, but I can't have a human sized leech on my life either! I'll keep you posted on how things are going, and I sure hope to have good news, but I do have to be realistic about this!

I guess that's maybe how this is different than most of the posts I've been reading, in that for one I broke up with him and he refused to get back with me saying he couldn't handle it. But then still yet, he never told me he didn't love me and he didn't want a life with me. He just said he couldn't handle our relationship at that time b/c it got extremely tumultuous after his mom's death. If he up and changes his mind next week and decides oh it's too much for him again, I'm going to take that as a sign of this typical scenario that seems to play out with the bereaved, and I will move on with my life without him, like it or not.

I like that you said that, b/c I am a big believer in trusting your instinct. If I'd always done that, it would have saved me a lot of trouble in my life. However, in this circumstance, my gut instinct was to stay by his side, no matter how bad he was hurting, even if that had me absorbing some of his grief. Several times in my anguish and pain of being pushed away, I thought hard and serious about abandoning ship--it's what brought me here. We were only together for 10 months before his mom died! Then I think about leaving him alone in his grief, I love him too much to do it. I couldn't sleep at night knowing I had done him like that, even if dealing with his pain is causing me pain. We did have a break through though b/c I decided after talking here that enough was enough, and I need some answers, if he doesn't want to be with me, then that's just that. So we had a long talk last night, and he told me that his life is incomplete without me, and our relationship was so new when all this happened, that he hated the thought of me being around while he was falling apart--that he wanted to be tough if I was around and didn't feel like he could do that. We talked about a lot, and he kept thanking for me for staying by his side, despite his grief and anger, and apologizing profusely for directing it at me....but haven't we all been there? So lost in our own pain that we hurt the ones we love the most? So we decided to get back together. I hope & pray things go okay, but in my heart of hearts, I know either way I'll be okay. I love him enough to simply be his friend if that's where this ends. After my husband died, I don't live under the delusion that I won't make it without some certain man. I really appreciate everyone's viewpoint, but for me, this is what gives me peace with my own actions. Thank you again.

Thanks Mary, that does make a lot of sense. And I love the quote by Maya Angelou. I don't want to be fooled with rose-colored glasses, but I also want to be a compassionate person who doesn't abandon a person in need. It's a fine line to walk!!

Thank you for your replies! I poured over many threads with this same topic--have to say I was actually a little relieved to see how commonly this happens. But I did notice that in almost all of the circumstances, the general recommendation was to break off the relationship and heal one's self. My question though, is there an exception? Here's my mode of thought: I really and truly love this man, and I felt deep love back from him before this loss occurred. I know right now that he really does have nothing to give to me, through no fault of his own, but due to being absorbed in his own grief. Kayc you were quite accurate in all you said, especially about the self-centeredness and such!! I really believe that most people in this world have lost sight of what real love and dedication is about. They give up when the butterflies fade, and simply go find someone else to feel butterflies with. Now, I'm not saying I want to be some kind of martyr any any sense, but everytime I think about abandoning him, I think about how real love wouldn't abandon someone in their hour of need to focus on themselves--and I by no means am talking about your situation, which is different b/c from what you said, it sounds like your fiancee broke it off pretty heartlessly. Yes, I'm hurt by his actions, his pushing me away, and yes I've cried myself to sleep many times over this. But I don't think he's slept or ate right in months, and my heart aches for his loss b/c he is so lost in his identity without her. He never says he doesn't want to be with me or he doesn't love me, he just says he has nothing to give to a relationship right now, and I understand that. So my point here is not to be argumentative, but I'd like to know what you think about that? Do you think there may be a time to try to be strong and be the friend they need at their darkest hour? As much as it hurts me to suffer this loss with him, if I abandon him right now, I most assuredly will never have a future with him. Then again, I'm not a glutton for punishment....and I don't want to be beat down in this process....but seems like no matter which direction I go, I will suffer a great amount of heartache.

I know this is a trying thing for you!! My husband died in a car wreck after 5 years of marriage when I was only 23 years old. It was quite a struggle, wondering what the 'right' way to do things was. I knew I was handling things badly when I went to a bar the day after his funeral so I could bellow "amazing grace" on the karaoke to all the local drunks. Ha!! And just to be frank and honest, I jumped from one relationship to another simply b/c it was so gut-wrenching to be alone, b/c my grief consumed me when I was alone. He was buried less than a month the first time I went on a date, and I'm sure that probably appalls most people, but it wasn't b/c I was over my grief or b/c I didn't love my husband, it was in fact b/c I loved him so much, and it left such a hole in my heart that I was desperate to fill it through whatever companionship I could attain. None of those relationships really went anywhere, as I had nothing to give to a new relationship, but I was very young and very lost for a long time. My point in all that is that each individual's process is unique and you can't hold yourself to a timeline for anything. If you want to go out with this guy, if it brings you a bit of joy and excitement, then go for it, b/c your Dragon would have wanted that for you. Maybe you like the guy, maybe you don't---maybe he helps you through your healing process---and maybe you never go out again. Either way, don't be afraid of it, and don't feel as if you are betraying him b/c regardless of the outcome, this is part of your grief cycle, and doing this will help you break down some of your fears. I look back on my actions after my husband's death, and in a way I wish I had done things differently, but then on the otherside I accept that it was part of my grieving process, and those guys I dated helped me work through my grief by giving much needed companionship. Was it wrong or would my husband have frowned upon it? I don't know b/c we never expected him to die suddenly at 23 years old so we never even discussed it, but I do know he'd have supported whatever I needed to do to come back to life for our children. Hope this might help.

My dad has been in congestive heart failure since a massive stroke he had 5 years ago. The stroke caused an atrial fib in his heart, so the bottom half of his heart quit working. After 3 years of CHF, they installed a pacemaker and defibrillator to regulate his heart. The defibrillator shocked him b/c his heart rate got too high--it went off every few months for over a year, until I finally bought him a runner's heart rate watch and so no he monitors his heart rate to keep it from getting over 200, which is the shock point. One month ago, after a routine ECG they do quarterly to check on his heart function, they found that he has a large blood clot in the left side of his heart, and his heart function had dropped to 10%. They put him on blood thinner to dissolve the clot, but they said if it gets too thin and dislodges and moves into the blood stream, it could potentially be fatal. His heart DR said only clots in the right side of the heart can flow to the brain and cause stroke, but that's not to say that a left side clot can not be dangerous or fatal. Meanwhile he's got symptoms of colon cancer, but his heart DR won't even let him proceed with a colonoscopy b/c of the risk of being put under any anesthesia. So he deals with chronic pain, diarrhea, etc but they can't do anything to help him. Of course the heart DR won't give me any timeline on how long he might have to live. I do understand that each individual is unique and therefore its undetermined, but it would be nice to have an idea of what I'm dealing with here. I'm all over the place mentally, sometimes obsessing constantly over him dying, sometimes flipping out if I can't reach him by phone b/c I'm envisioning lying in his house dead or unable to reach the phone. This is part of what exacerabates my worry b/c he still lives on his own and refuses to live with me or stay in a care facility or anything. He is still driving his own truck to town several times a week (20 miles one way) and driving fence posts with his buddies!! I'm consumed with worry and guilt. He acts as if he is as fine as always....and I'm going crazy wondering how much longer I have with my dad. I know everyone says "just enjoy the time you have" and I'm trying to do that, but I'm kinda tired of him acting like it's nothing and his heart DR carries the attitude of 'this is to be expected, he's a heart failure patient.' Comments and advice obviously welcome!!

Hi Lily, I am new to this site, just posted a thread today. I was so thankful that you shared your story and your struggles here. Your experience is somewhat similar to mine, and I needed so badly to see an outside perspective on this situation, because it is so gut wrenching in the process. Unfortunately, I have no advice to give as I am so completely distraught in my own grief, but I wanted to say it was very helpful to me to read your journey through healing. It helps me feel like my feelings are validated in a way, when all I've been feeling lately from my exboyfriend is something like "how dare you be upset, I'm the one who lost my mom!" Not that he says that, but it's his attitude and I have been lost in grief of my own of our relationship being severed right along with his mom's death. I wish you the best in your healing process, and it sounds like moving forward is the best thing you can do given the circumstance.

I was so very happy to find this site, so that someone, anyone might identify with what I'm going through. I have felt more depressed and lost in the last few months than I have in a long time. I've been married once before, 11 years ago, and I had children, and then my husband died in a car wreck after 5 years of marriage. Obviously, I was broken inside for a long time, but slowly I somehow found myself. Then last year I met the only other man to make my heart move. It's impossible to even put into words, but we had an instant connection between us, and our love for 10 months was beautiful and something most people only hope for. It was a love that I thought I would never have myself. It was a long distance relationship by a few hours, but that didn't matter, we talked, texted, video chatted, mailed, etc every day all day long from the moment we met. However, in February of this year, my boyfriend's mom died of a long battle with cancer. He was extremely close to his mother, probably closer than any other guy I've known. But it seemed to be a genuine healthy love--not some weird attachment to mother's strings persay. Although we had rarely argued before, about a month after her passing we started arguing nonstop. He seemed so angry at me and the entire world and he constantly lashed out at me. Every word I would say would make him mad, even when it was simply small talk! I got the feeling that he was trying to push me away and out of his life, even though I had done everything to be there for him when she passed away. I made the mistake one day of saying "I'm done with this" after one of our many arguments, and he was like 'fine, it's done then.' I just couldn't believe that was the end of it, just like that. But it's not even that simple, because for the last couple of months since that time--we have been broken up, but yet he's telling me that he wants us to just talk and 'work back into something.' Which I tried to respect considering what he's going through, and we stopped arguing and were back to talking everyday no problems. But then I quickly realized, everytime I made an attempt to see him in person, he didn't want to and he still doesn't. He says he doesn't have it in him to have a relationship right now, and that he's not the man he wants to be if he was with me. He says he's falling apart inside and angry, and if we were around each other for more than a short period of time that it wouldn't be good. I'm so torn apart inside!!! So he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and he doesn't want to see me physically. Aside from that though, he wants to talk everyday just like we've done our entire relationship, as if nothing is different--except there's no more terms of affection or sweet words coming my way. Am I an idiot to hang on?? I'm 29 years old, and I'm having flashbacks to my teen years wondering am I getting played here?? I mean you want to be with a person or you don't, it's pretty cut and dry. But with the death of his mother, it's not that simple. I feel trapped in my own grief over the sudden loss of our love, and I can't even realistically complain about it b/c he's lost in grief over his mother!! Still yet, going from a love that was beautiful and irreplaceable, to this cold shoulder I'm getting---it was like a punch in the gut repeatedly!! I'm still hanging on right now, but there's only so much rejection my heart can take. Everything in me wants things to work out with this guy. But there's no timeline for grief, of all people I know this after losing my husband. I can't sit back and wait for 2 years while he works out his emotions. I have needs for love and affection just like anyone! Am I being selfish? Does it sound like I'm just getting excuses? I really don't understand this double standard of not wanting me to date anyone else or move on and wanting me to continue talking/texting/video chat with him......yet he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. It seems like a crock to me, but I know people do strange things in grief. Any advice is much appreciated!!