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jenn13

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  1. I didn't get much sleep last night. After the initial flood of tears I just sat there in bed staring at the wall. Today I am wearing one of my grandma's sweaters. I never thought I'd be able to wear any of the clothes my mom saved for me of her's. In some strange way, I feel somewhat comforted. Like she's here in her own little way. I'm going to a jewlery store today to search for a piece of jewlery that will commerate her life and not her death. Something I can wear everyday and feel her near me. If it's this hard with grandparents, I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to lose a parent. My best friend lost his dad a few years ago, and while time has healed him some, I can still hear the pain in his voice. I guess you're right, all we can do is take it one minute at a time and get through, without ruining the holidays for everyone else. Our company is on their way, so I'm off to paint on a happy smile. It's exhausting having to do that sometimes. Sending good thoughts to you all, wishing for peace and comfort... Jenn
  2. Thank you all for your replies. This week at work has been nuts, and I haven't been able to sit at the computer long enough to type a few sentences. I am so sorry for everyone's pain. I won some $ last Friday.. and again this Friday.. a large sum. I think in a lot of ways I let that take over my head and forget about everything else. I made the mistake of falling asleep with the TV on just a few short hours ago though... and I woke up to a Christmas song. This just all feels so wrong. Everyone keeps saying that she was old. WHO CARES? Does that make her worth less here on earth? I just HATE it when people say that, and it's my own dad saying it. Today will be a true test. Today we will have many family members over for dinner and present opening. Other than Christmas eve/day, I expect today to be the hardest. It just all seems so very wrong....
  3. I haven't been here in a while. I've thrown myself into my work and life in general. But wow, is Chritsmas getting difficult. I expected it, I knew it, I was as ready for it as I could have possibly been... but I was not ever expecting to be curled up on the bathroom floor at work in tears while my staff sings along with a Christmas carol. I have done nothing for Christmas. I am usually one of those people that are ready by November because I absolutely hate any sort of a store in December. But I just can't get motivated this year. Luckily I don't have kids! We're making Christmas dinner plans for five, but it should be for six! Grandma should be here! And it just kills me that she's not going to be. She really was the only one in this family that was happy to have me around. Everyone else always finds fault with my job, my hair, my boyfriend, etc. She just let me live my life (I am 25 afterall, I'll make my own decisions thank you), and only spoke up when she believed a decision was going to harm me in some way. What makes all of this so much more difficult, is that my family seems to be having no problems at all. Anytime I talk to my dad, he seems fine. No one's even mentioned grandma yet, and I feel like I'm grieving alone... and if you knew my family, you'd agree that I am. I don't really know how to get through the next few weeks with a smile on my face, but I know that I have to. All I can think is something is missing, nothing is right with the world, and I'd just rather stay in bed.
  4. We leave on Sunday.. we are travelling to be in attendence at my brother's wedding. Today was hard... I think the following says it all... Just don't have the strength to write anymore than that... Wishing You Were Here Today was really difficult And I could not figure out why I have so much to be excited about But from my mouth came only a sigh It took all day to understand It took all day to know But now I finally understand Why my heart is feeling so low Excitement is building But sadness still lurks so strong The fact that we are to be celebrating When you’re gone just feels so wrong I feel like life keeps going But only because it has no choice The world just won’t stop turning And my pain often has no voice I’m forced to turn with the world To evolve and continue my days To smile and laugh and act perfectly fine To soak up the suns many rays But all I want to do is let the tears fall And remember that life is now missing One of the few things that made life worth living Oh, how my heart is so tired of reminiscing It’s not the same without you here And it never again will be I suppose all I can do is hope that you’re near That you’re not missing, that you see How deeply loved and missed you are How much we wish that you were near And in these days of celebration My heart will merely be wishing you were here © Jennifer, August 2006
  5. lol Kelly, so they are.. online ones are about all I could ever handle though. I don't do "emotions" in front of people. Sadly, just another ramification of my upbringing.. Perhaps one I will get over one day.. but that day isn't today.. lol
  6. Thanks Marty. I will check some of those links out today. I appreciate it
  7. Thank you Maylssa, shell, and kelly for your replies. I have to say they have got me thinking - and perhaps feeling like I'm not going insane and my feelings and reactions are normal. I believe part of my problem to be I was never taught how to grieve - or to show any emotions at all for that matter. Sadness, grief, pain.. all these things were to be held inside. Not talked about, not acknowledged, there but ignored. Now that I am older, I tend to do that to myself. I don't need anyone to remind me to do it anymore, it's just part of who I am. My only release is writing and while it helps, it sometimes feels like it's just not enough. I'm gonna buy a book or two as soon as I can. It's bad timing right now as my brother's wedding is next month and being a bridesmaid, it's expensive. (She picked out $500 dresses.. guess some people forget what it's like to NOT be rich!). Perhaps once the wedding is over (and expenses paid for, finally!) I can start spending some quality time and money on myself. Until then, thanks for listening.. it helps
  8. I didn't really realize until tonight, just now, just how mad I really am since my grandma died. I know and understand that death is just part of life.. the old saying that there's only two things that are sure in life.. you're gonna die, and you're gonna pay taxes.. very true. I feel in part that she "left" me before I was ready. I know she had no say in the matter.. she wanted so badly to LIVE.. she never really grasped just how sick she was. When asked if she wanted to be revived when the time comes, she glared at the doctor in shock. I feel like I didn't get to say goodbye. I am sure that has much to do with the fact that I wasn't here when she passed.. Or for the funeral. I still have yet to see her resting place. I am almost afraid to go. Afraid to make it that "real". As if I don't already know that it is... She left at such a bad time. I am already dealing with a few major losses... one death, and 2 people that just decided to up and leave without a word. The staples of my life are gone. I have so little left, not enough to grab onto. I still so badly want to fall into nothingness, where it doesn't hurt.. or find a way to be with her. She'd know the right things to say. I have such a short fuse.. I am overly emotional and way overly sensitive. I take offense at everything. If you even LOOK at me wrong, I feel wronged somehow. Is this a normal part of grieving? Don't really know what normal is anymore.. I'm so tired of the constant hurt... I try and let it go, but how can you when it's all smack dab in front of you all day long? There's no avoiding it. I push it aside, and then on the weekends when I have way too much time to myself, I fall apart. Perhaps I need a 2nd job, on the weekends to keep myself (and my mind) busy. But then I worry I won't deal with it at all and will eventually break past the point of no return. I am very confused...
  9. Wow is all I can really say.. I honestly wasn't expecting much of a response. I wish I had the time (and physical energy to go though the emotions it would entail) to respond to each one of you personally. I should really be sleeping right now, but am unable to sleep thanks to some lovely panic attacks that have manifested themselves over the past few months. Do you all sometimes feel like the world should just stop for a while? Like when we lose a loved one it needs to just stop, or at least slow the heck down? Right now, I feel as though even the little things just don't matter. Sleep, eating, work, etc. I am in the process of starting my own daycare. I have two interviews tomorrow, one with an agency who will employ me and find the kids for me, and one with someone wanting private daycare. It is all sooooo overwhelming. But the process was begun long before my grandma passed, and she was rather supportive and would want me to go ahead with it. I'm going to, but it sure isn't happening without its issues. It feels like I go through the motions of each day, but I don't really live each day. I go to work, come home, toss and turn for a few hours, get up and do it all over again. Thank you all for your detailed response as to what to do about my friends. I know I won't be getting any support from my family. This has always been the norm for me. My friends; well, some of them have really, really tried. I tend to push people away when I'm hurting... it doesn't help that no one really lives where I do right now (my family moved around a lot as I grew up), so everything has to be done with words.. it's easier in person, when just a hug or a hand to hold is enough. Now that a month has passed I sometimes feel like I'm ready to really talk, but they're always so busy that we just don't connect. Life must go on, right? A sad truth, because I'd really rather it didn't... I am going to look into getting one or two of the books mentioned.. I've always loved the chicken soup books, so I think that's where I will start. I hope to be able to respond on a more personal note to each of you that has taken the time to respond to me in the very near future. I work late into the evenings, and during the day I spend most of my time trying to get the daycare up and running (it's a big job, much larger than I had anticipated), and helping in the care of my other grandmother who suffers with Alzheimer's. I hope to read of your stories soon... I thank you all for taking time out of your busy lives to send words of encouragement to this hurting stranger. It means a lot. I wish you all the best as you deal with your own grief, and I hope you know that now there is another soul here always willing to lend an ear and a shoulder.
  10. It has been nearly one month since I lost her. She was 81. She had been ill, and suffered a heart attack about 2 weeks prior to her death. We were told it was minor, and that she'd be ok. She was released from the hospital, and scheduled for further testing. But, as often happens, they waited too long. She suffered another heart attack about a week later, and found herself back in a hospital bed. This time, urgency was felt, and my parents rushed to her side while I remained home caring for my other grandmother, who sufferes from Alzheimer's disease. Again, they were told she'd be alright. That night, she suffered another heart attack. A rather massive one. Her lungs and kidneys began to fail. I was booked on a flight for a wedding that week... The morning of my flight I made the trip to the hospital (about an hour away). I felt like if I chose to go, that I would have no regrets knowing that I had seen her one last time should she pass while I was away. I fully expected to be able to sit there, hold her hand and talk with her for a while. Instead, I walked in to find her on oxygen, asleep (which I later found out was more than sleep.. she never really woke up), and struggling for each breath. I stood and watched her for a few minutes until it became too difficult to see. I left the hospital, drove to the airport, and got on that plane. I knew in my heart I was absolutely making the wrong decision in leaving. As I boarded my plane I had tears rolling down my face, and I kept whispering how sorry I was, as if she'd have heard me. She passed away a few hours after my plane touched down. My family wouldn't let me come back home. They said my grandma would have wanted me to enjoy my vacation. They were right, but I feel very guilty for missing the funeral, for not staying home, and for not being here when my family needed me the most. I am 24 years old, and until my dogs death last May I have been rather shielded from death all my life, with only one noteable exception in my teens. I have not learned coping skills, and I have very little support from family and even friends. People expect me to be "over it" already. Fact is, that will never happen. Why must grief always be dealt with alone, but everyone is always so quick to share my happiness. I don't think I'll ever find that answer.. I guess for now, I'll keep trudging through my days without her... wishing I could be where she is.
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