Hello Everyone,
I have been lurking similar forums for the past 6 months or so and finally found this one yesterday and decided to share the emotional roller coaster I have been dealing with the past couple of months. Thanks in advance for any feedback, etc. This is going to be kind of long but here goes.... I am 27 and she was 24 at the time and 25 now ( we have been together for 5-6 years and lived together for 3-4 years.. by live together I mean every day except for maybe 3 days in a month if that many)
So late last year my girlfriend's father passed away from cancer. I will never forget the day she found out, she called me when she was close to home (we lived together for the past 3 years or so). So I remember going outside to meet her and I saw her crying and talking to my neighbor (older guy, really nice). She told me she just found out her father was diagnosed with cancer and that he did not have a long time to live. At this point she went inside and I remember my neighbor talking to me and telling me this was not going to be easy and to be there for her any way I can. I listened to him but had absolutely no idea what to expect. I have never lost any parent or had any real grief for the most part. The next couple of months were difficult, we would not really talk about it much but every now and then it would come up and sometimes break down crying. Our relationship was not really affected, I did not stress certain thing and what made this part easier was that we were also Bestfriends, like real bestfriends. We told each other everything and shared every moment. We had a trip planned for the Summer that I asked her if she wanted to cancel, it was an awkward subject but I felt it necessary to ask out of respect but she declined. She said she needed the break and wanted to get away. We went to the Caribbean as planned and had a great time. She told me she spoke to her father before going and he wanted her to go. At this point I did not necessarily agree with this but I was in no position to question it. Eventually we had a good time, actually the best vacation together in a while and it was also good for our relationship. During the next couple of months we had limited stress from our individual jobs but we were always there to support each other. We never had any arguments and our relationship was "perfect".
The next couple of weeks she spent a good amount of time with her father taking care of him in his final days. This was an old school guy, war vet, an all around great man that I learned to admire. In his last months we took him to his favorite restaurants to eat and he loved it. This was difficult for me, really difficult. From one week to the next he would he would worsen. I was never selfish nor felt it necessary to mention anything to her but this was also eating me up inside. I had never lost anyone close to me so this would be the closest person I had ever lost. Ok let me sidetrack a little here.... up to this point we would talk about marriage, kids, etc. This was like at random times. Things like oh I cant wait our kids hair will look like that, or I want that ring, I want my last name and your last name when we get married, I want to honor my father. This was all real stuff, things she would bring up. We never talked about it in detail or anything but I had decided that if given the opportunity I would be honored to name our son after him. There was also a slight chance that we would have to adopt which I had also accepted but that is another story in itself.
So the day finally came where I got the phone call that her father had passed. I immediately dropped everything and went over to her parents house (she lives about 3 minutes from my house). Once again I had never been in this position and I knew it had to be really difficult for her. I hugged her and her mother when I arrived and saw her father laying there. This was real. I kept an eye on her and when she began crying I consoled her. Didn't say much because there isn't anything you can say but I made sure she knew I loved her and I wasn't going anywhere. Few hours later the hospice came and then the car came to pick up the body. I helped the man bring the body outside and then lift it into the car. Crazy things were going through my head at this point. Later that night my parents came over to her house to show their condolences. For the next couple of nights I stayed with them at their house because her mother asked me to. I obviously had no problem and just wanted to be there for the family. During all this time everything with our "relationship" was fine. The following week the funeral took place about 5 hours north at a National Cemetery. Like I said we were bestfriends but I know she was affected by the fact that none of her girl best friends went. Mind you some of them grew up around the father but no one was able to make it to the funeral. My parents, my grandmother and I went up to the funeral and actually got their late because I got rear ended the day we were supposed to go. So we finally got there and I called her and went to our room. Once again all was fine, I hugged her and we fell asleep together. Funeral procession was nice and I can say he was honored in a nice way. Myself and a few other family members and a husband held the casket and walked it out of the church and then to the grave site. I cried a few times in the back with my mother but never around her so I could be strong in her eyes. After the funeral our families spent some time together and then came back home the following day. Once again all was well with us at this point. Later in November I had big event to go to in Las Vegas that she had always wanted to come to with me (we had been to Vegas together before but she has never joined me for this event). She came and we had the best time ever, we spent a lot of time with family she has their and I bonded with them in a way I had never had before. When we came back she thanked me for taking her (obviously there was no need but its the type of person she was). She wrote me a card saying she loved me and that she appreciated me taking her on the business trip. She also went on to say that our future together was bright and there was no one she was happy to be with me. So later in December she had to go on a trip for work, she works in the PR/marketing field for a large cruise line so some of these trips would involved her being at Sea for a week or so. This was going to be the first time she had to be gone for two weeks. Emotionally I knew this was going to be draining for her and so did she. Just a side note (my mother took her to the port for this trip and one the way she was telling my mom how she wanted us to move into her parents house and that we would be fine if I left my job) Ever since this trip things have not been the same. We wrote to each other every day as usual while she was gone. I got fired from my job while she was gone ( did not really care, I was going to quit and she wanted me to quit to begin my own venture). On the trip she wrote to me that emotionally this was draining for her and it has given her time to reflect on her life. A day or two before it was that she misses me and loved me, cant wait to be in my arms (she was sick), the normal stuff you tell someone you love. At this point obviously I was concerned, who wouldn't be. Here I was back home thinking about what I can do to make our relationship better and how much I loved her. I need to mention this I really adore this girl, respect her, and most importantly love her more than anything in the world because everything felt so real.
Now onto her return. She came back from her trip and I remember making the last turn to pick her up and I promise I felt like a little kid on Christmas. Believe it or not those two weeks were the longest I had gone without seeing her in 5 years. It thought me one thing, I was in love and this is the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. So I picked her up and I was a little late so she was a tiny bit upset but nothing crazy. Then the weirdest thing, she was telling me about the trip and she had cut her leg on some coral but when she was telling me the story she had a sort of glow coming from her face that I had not seen in a while. So the next couple of days were kinda weird but nothing too out of the norm. One night she mentioned a job offer in LA, I was honest I told her it was bad timing and she knew I was about to start my own business... I wasn't crazy her mom told her the same thing. She later said she understood and that she loved me, etc. The following Wednesday she told me she was going to Dinner with her friend. I like the friend she was going with and really had no problem with it but for some reason I was bothered a bit. She came home later that night and I was reading a book on the couch and I was kind of rude I guess and then she went upstairs. I immediately told myself I was an idiot and went upstairs to talk to her about our relationship and the fact that I want to bring it back to the place it was.
Mind you at this point I am ignorant to the fact that she is still grieving and had never even wondered how hard this would be on us. Should have listened to my neighbor more huh.. Hind sight is always 20/20 though...
So after going upstairs to talk to her we begin arguing and before I can really say anything she says we need a break. This caught me off guard I was like what? She said it had nothing to do with our relationship but she needed a break. That made me more confused. I think I cried at some point that night, maybe not but I think I did. Whatever we eventually went to sleep that night and woke up the next morning. Don't want to get all "Xrated" but we made love in the morning and I knew it was different. I felt like I would never see this girl again. The girl I loved felt like she was slowly leaving. This was all right around Christmas time and things were going to be hard for her. She spent the next couple of nights at her house and we hung out here and there. We spent a day together later that week and I slept over her house. We agreed that night we were going to try and make it work. From this point forward I felt like whenever I spoke to her over the phone, via text or email it was a completely different girl. The only time I could see the her that I knew was in person. She then came to my house to talk again and she told me again this was NOTHING to do with our relationship and that she loved me. There were some small changes she wanted (help with dishes occasionally and cooking) and I had already made those changes. Her exact comment were "just like that" and I said yes I am prepared to do anything I need to do for this to work. Honestly as a man I had decided that I loved her and I knew what it would take from my end. She was pleased and even asked me if I would be willing to move to her house.. A question I had always avoided. I told her I thought about it and once everything is good between us that I would do it. That is one of the few times I saw that glow from her that I was so used to seeing. She was genuinely happy. She later sat across from me in the dining room table and said "this time next year we will be engaged stop worrying". I remember saying I dont know what the hell you are talking about but if you say so. She left that day and went out with her friends again. Christmas morning came, we spoke in the morning. At this point we were not communicating normally and she was spending all her time with her bestfriend that she had been distant from the past couple of years. There is a good amount of jealousy when it comes to this girl because I am sure she feels like I "took" her away but truth is I never once said she should not hang out with her, hell a few months before I remember she lied to them about what she was doing and I was like why lie it doesnt make sense. Funny enough we saw them at the mall that day. But ya this friend has something against me for sure and I have heard that she had made comments like "thats why I dont have a BF", etc. Mind you she would want nothing more than a BF but that is another story. She has never had a real boyfriend and someone that really loved her. Yes misery likes company. Christmas morning she was at this friends house, I said I was just calling to wish her a Merry Christmas and see if she was ok. Right when I was ready to hang up she asked if I was going to my parents house... I said yes why, she said "i think I want to come". I was shocked but at that point it was the BEST Christmas present I had ever gotten. She told me she would call me when she was on her way back home... Long story short I called her 3 hours later and she was in the car with the friend and another friend. I asked if she was still coming and she said No she had decided it wasn't a good idea and was going to go to her friends sisters house. Yes I was caught off guard but emotionally I was a mess. I spent the next hour or two crying and telling myself I do not want to see anyone. I later decided I could not be selfish and I went to my parents house to spend time with them. Obviously they missed her and asked where she was but at this point no one would understand. I hid it really well but I was torn up inside. I turned off my cell phone for a few hours and just enjoyed their company.
After this nothing was the same. On new years she said we should not communicate and we needed to work on ourselves until we were "at a place where we were strong enough individuals where we could be in a healthy relationship". I spent the next 6 weeks going to therapy and so did she (atleast thats what she said). It was weird because I spent time in therapy finding out how to deal with a loved one dealing with grief. I did not worry about the relationship because she said that wasn't the issue. My therapist was pretty good. I never in a hundred years thought I would be going to therapy, hell never thought I would be on a forum like this one but I am grateful for them. She told me her therapist told her to stay away from me ( in my head I was like thats not right, therapist dont do that). I spoke to her mom about it a little and she was upset because she said they are not supposed to do that. She also told me that she told her that what she was doing was not right and not fair (obviously not a good idea because she just wanted support from her mom).
Months later we have gone through everything. I have had all the hateful things said to me. I have hurt like never before, I have read stories and done my own research on this topic. About 3 weeks ago we were having a brief text message conversation where she said "she is at a place where she is comfortable talking to me now". This caught me off guard because before this I would only get "I dont want you in my life ever again","I hate you",etc. Then about a week after this we got into a big argument again when I insisted talking to her in person. Didn't work out too well. That night ended in more crying, screaming, defensiveness.... At this point I had reached the "I cant do this to myself anymore point", etc. Through this whole thing the two biggest supporters have been one of my best friends and my mom. My mom knows I truly care about her and that I just want to be there for her, the best friend just knows that I love her and he has known her pretty well since the beginning. He was actually there the day I met her and everyday since. I am sure he loves her too. So after giving him the update he said I understand but that isn't you guys. I tried to convince myself I needed to just leave her alone. (by the way through this whole ordeal the longest I have gone without communicating with her was 3 weeks) Reason being is I never want her to think I gave up on her). So finally this past Thursday I reached out to her again. I was a little more stern but I basically said I understand everything that has happened, you dont love me anymore, etc but there is something missing. She asked me what, then I said how do you take the sweetest girl in the world and then make her hate the person she loved the most. This was the FIRST time she opened up to me. It was the FIRST time everything I head read finally made sense. She told me that she redirected her grief as anger towards me after her father passed. She said she hated me for not knowing was to do and had a lot of resentment built up inside. She said she had to get away from the relationship. I told her that while I will never understand what she felt that I loved her. She apologized and I told her it was not necessary, i said its perfectly normal and her grief is a process that will take a while. I ended that conversation because I felt like it was the first positive convo we had in a while. This was Thursday, I have tried contacting her since then with little to no success.
For the first time I have tried to put everything out there so someone can see where I cam coming from. I hate talking to people about this in general because our relationship had a dynamic different than most our age. I have not given up on her and not stepped away because I love her and I know that sometimes these emotional walls need to be climbed over. I know I subject myself to more pain but I know its nothing like what she has gone through. I feel like to say that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and then walk away now would just be giving up. She has told me to leave her alone and she never wants to talk to me again, to telling me she is comfortable talking to me again, back to she wanted me out of her life for good and then back to opening up this Thursday because I was persistent enough to confirm everyone my therapists said, everything others have gone through, etc. Its hard, I was reading a story on here earlier and started tearing up. Before her fathers funeral I had gone a few years easy without shedding a tear.
I know she is scared and does not want to think about the future. Do I walk away? I cant see myself giving up on her. I am open to anything but I swear have not been selfish at all the entire time. If I was I would have left. I promise finding another girl isnt an issue, its actually pretty easy. I don't care to see anyone or meet anyone, I just want her to understand that I care. I have had to deal with this while starting a new company, having no income, etc. It really is hard but I think everyone gets tested and this is my test.
Before anyone mentions I want to make it clear I have taken time to work on myself. I have changed a lot of things in my life I felt needed to be worked on. I have spent more time with my family, time in church, volunteering at a local homeless shelter and just changing my overall perspective on life. I have also tried helping out a few close people with their job search including one of her bestfriends. I also got myself to an emotional point where I can deal with the pain from this all. I don't want to sound like a victim because I am no where close to that, I dont want to play that card. I really am in love, but this was my bestfriend. I can tell she appreciates me still being there. I would not abondon her but I literally woke up on day and had the one thing in my life I thought was for sure pulled away from me with no warning. It has been killing me inside but I just got off the phone with my mom and said I don't want to go through life knowing that I gave up on her. Our breakup cannot be tied to the passing of her father, I know it happens but I dont think it has to. I try to take it a day at a time but then I come across a forum like this and want to share it with her so she knows what she is going through is normal. Here I am on Sunday night and five months in this is difficult and killing me but I cannot even imagine what she is going through. She is scared, doesn't want to worry about the future.. I get it but I want her to know I care. I really have devoted a lot of time to this topic and have tried to learn what to expect....
Sorry for the long read and I know there is a bunch of information missing, any input or questions are appreciated and respected.
Best Regards,
OM.
