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caitlynadams

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Everything posted by caitlynadams

  1. Thank you both for taking your time and writing to me. Having a really rough morning but I will reply later.
  2. Growing up I always wanted to be like my mom. She was your regular stay at home housewife but she was amazing. Every night was a homemade meal, she cleaned my room, took me on special mommy daughter days and especially was always there for me. She has always been the most loving caring awesome mom ever and I wanted to be just like her. My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and have always talked about wanting a family. Im 22 now, and three days before my birthday this past January my older brother died unexpectedly. He was my only sibling. Since then we have learned of some health conditions he had but we were unaware about it. My mom also has high blood pressure and has had two strokes in the past three years, the last being the day before my brother died. Drug addiction and alcoholism also runs in my family. Because of our ( lack of a better word ) crappy genes, I really don't think I want biological children ever. I take the precautionary steps to avoid this of course, but the more I think about it I don't think I can ever have children. I can't bear the thought of losing them. I feel consumed by my mothers grief as well as my own because every ounce of pain I feel, she feels 10 million times as much. I feel like I can't invest in anyone new. I already have my family and any more is just more grief in the future. Does anyone feel similar?
  3. Since my brother passed in January I feel shut down. I was a social person before, going out with my boyfriend and our friends. Now even a trip to the grocery store send me to a panic. The only place I am ok at is work, but I kinda have to be in order to make a living. Went out with my boyfriend and his parents today and I just cant seem to form words. Im there, but my mind slips away, I don't catch the humour in peoples jokes until its explained and I just find myself smiling along like a fool without any input. I feel weird and uncomfortable. I was promoted at work recently after it happened and the new people surrounding me don't know what Im dealing with. I don't how to talk, or when to bring it up and I cant stand the sympathectic glances and the constant are you ok? I never feel ok. I used to get more angry but as Ive learned ( none of my old friends talk to me anymore) that kinda pushes people away. I want to be that person I was, but every opportunity that presents itself to me I either dis-invite myself or leave after five minutes. Drugs were a factor in his death so I will not take anything, multiple people have suggested Prozac or other antidepressant/anti-anxiety but I refuse. Im too afraid to even take Tylenol. How do you cope with this loneliness?
  4. Sometimes I am so angry at my brother if he were I would just scream. Where are you? I feel so selfish admitting I want him here to help me pick up the pieces. When we were little and my parents would fight he was the one there, to stay with me. To listen to the yelling. To be there if the cops were being called. My parents do love each other very much but my whole life I feel like I have been waiting for the time where they break up. They have come close over the years. Again, this morning I get the phone call from my mom they are fighting again. I don't live near them so there isn't much to do. I listen. I tell her a million times not to upset herself and aggravate her high blood pressure but its just too much. Joe you are supposed to be here with me and I hate to have these angry feelings but this is just not how your life was supposed to be and it isn't fair! He handled everything, he talked to my dad and made him stop. He calmed down my mom. I don't have the compassion he does and Its just so hard. I know you're watching me and I just want to do what you would do. I hope I am.
  5. Has anyone felt signs? Before my brothers death I did not believe in anything like that. I thought desperate minds can interpret any coincidence into a "sign". My brother and I grew up in the early 90s in New York. We both loved rap music and performed for our parents. We both loved Notorious BIG. Anyways there is a song that Puff Daddy made for Notorious BIG after he passed away called Ill be missing you. Its an old song, everyone has heard it at some point. In the past seven months I have heard it probably 50 times. I was alone the day I got the call and I heard it. The first trip home to see my parents I heard it. I used to cry in my car on my lunch break (still do somedays) and I would hear it. The last time was about a week ago my parents and I were talking about signs. I got into the car to drive home and something made me switch the radio station and it was on. It was the first time I smiled and dint cry and acknowledged maybe it is him. Does anything like this happen for anyone else and what do you think of it? Im afraid to tell anyone, I dont know if they will believe me, think Im crazy or pity me.
  6. Time is the worst. Every day I think its another day he cannot enjoy. Another day it isnt right, I feel like my whole world has rebelled against me and nothing can ever right itself again. My brother was five years older than me and every day I come closer to his age and he's too far away now. I just want everything to stop and replay that day, before I knew. The last time I was happy. Before everything came crumbling down. I feel crazy. I went to a family gathering and people talk about moving on and remembering good times and I just want to scream. I dont want to laugh or remember. I want him here. I do not want to move on, I want him, the world, everyone to know that he was so significant to my family and I, nothing could be the same again. A family member made a joke about his camera and "borrowing" it and I lost it. I kept so much of his things because it just feels wrong to throw them away or donate them. I just want it to stay the same. I guess you could say Im in denial still or whatever. Its the first death I've experienced firsthand and at twenty-two years old I don't know If Im grasping the concept. It just feels weird, foreign. I cannot use past tense to talk about him. If someone even utters the words "He was" I have to run from the room. Sometimes I call my parents house and its ringing and Im like come on pick up... But he isn't there...
  7. My brother Joe died on January 9th this year, three days after my 22nd birthday. Growing up we were close, we were only four years apart ( he was 26 ). Its been almost five months and I feel like every step I take I'm moving three steps back. Sometimes I "remember" and it hits me like I'm hearing it for the first time again. Other times I cant even remember what being happy and him being alive feels like. During the last years of his life we drifted apart, I moved away and we weren't the type to call constantly and keep up with each other. We still don't know what happened exactly but we did find out after the autopsy was he did have an enlarged heart. My dad was the one that found him. I think Ive stopped crying for me and now I just cry for my parents and Joe. I cant stop thinking of any pain he felt, he was found in the bathroom where he apparently struggled before falling and hitting his head on the bathtub. I hope he didn't know what was happening, I'm so sorry no one was there for him and its what hurts me most. He never had a real relationship other than high school girlfriends and I'm so angry he didn't have more time. I'm lucky to have someone who has supported me entirely throughout this and I'm mad he was cheated of love and life. I'm jealous of people who have seemingly "easy" lives. Everytime I see anything that he liked or I know he would have I breakdown. My brother loved beef jerky and I don't think I can ever eat it again. My parents are in so much pain and I do not know what to do. I have nightmares hearing how my mom sounded when my dad first told her. I don't think she will ever be the same person again. I don't want to let them know how I feel because they feel what I feel times a million and I don't want to put that on them. I keep holding it in until my boyfriend is at work and I just break down every time. Every time I get in the car to drive home from work I cry. I feel like none of my friends have been supportive and since they initially reached to me when it first happened no one has called or written since. I feel like the acceptance people talk about is realizing this will never go away and you will feel a part of this forever but I don't know if I can do this forever. None of my family has reached out to me. Im glad I found this sight and just writing this and getting it out feels a little bit better.
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