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enna

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  1. As I was typing this I see that Marty, a wise teacher, responded to your post Janka. Her responses are what has kept many of us continue to find value in coming here. Dear Janka and others who are going through a tough time, I am so sorry that you have once again had a day that was so upsetting to you. I understand and know how much some days can hurt so badly. I am sure that you have heard about how our grief can be likened to a rollercoaster ride or how some days we seem to be caught up in ocean waves that never let us come up for air. It is how grief is. It is said by so many wise teachers that when we have loved deeply we will grieve deeply. I have learned over these past 5 years and 6 months that the rollercoaster ride does stop at some point and the waves in the ocean are sometimes calm. This life after the loss of our significant others will always be an ‘ebb and flow’ process that will test our endurance. I have gotten a little better at riding the waves understanding that sometime down the line they will go through a calm stage. It is at the calm stage that I talk to myself and tell myself that once again I made it and will continue to make it because I am a strong, wise woman. In my early grief I spent quite a bit of time in a deep hole thinking that I’d never be able to climb out but I did and I know that I made the climb out because I had dear friends who sat at the top of the hole just allowing me to do what I had to do. Grief friends understand and will sit with you for as long as it takes. I find that I don’t need to explain my grief to those who do not understand. Grief people here on this site understand and they are the friends who will sit with you ~ no judgments, no telling you it’s time to ‘get over it,’ no trying to ‘fix’ you because they know that you are not ‘broken’ rather you are grieving and grief takes as long as it takes. These thoughts are not my own rather they come from those wise teachers who understand that with ‘grief work’ we will make it. Anne
  2. Being out in nature is very relaxing. Do something good for yourself ~ take a walk.
  3. Janka. I like the music you select. I hope you are well. I keep you in thought as you go through your grief journey. I'm glad to see you here at Tools for Healing. Anne
  4. Grief at Thanksgiving: Gratitude with a grain of salt I’ll go ahead an acknowledge the giant turkey in the room, Thanksgiving can be the pits for people who are grieving. Many of the values, traditions, and messages associated with the day, like warmth, comfort, gratitude, and family togetherness, can feel in direct conflict with a grieving person’s actual reality. If you are grieving, you probably know what I mean by this. Although you may be hesitant to admit it in the face of all the festivities, the ’30-Days of Thankfulness’ challenges on Facebook, and Charlie Brown and his dang pumpkin. But you’re amongst grief-friends here, and it’s okay to admit that you’re feeling just a little (or a lot) less grateful than you’ve felt in years past. After a death, it’s common for grieving people to feel apathy towards the experiences and activities that used to bring them joy. This is not a deliberate choice anyone makes, grief just changes the way life looks and feels. Sadly, this loss of joy may seem like a secondary loss, especially if you feel out of touch with things you previously cherished, like holidays and special days. What you wouldn’t give to feel those old familiar and enthusiastic holidays feelings, but instead, it feels like you’re standing out in the cold, watching through a window while everyone else enjoys the warmth and togetherness of the holiday season. With all the uplifting and nostalgic holiday messaging, no one would blame you for feeling left out. Many people feel like the holidays are only for happy people and so those who are sad either need to shape up or ship out. However, I’m here to refute this notion. Your invitation to the holidays isn’t revoked simply because you don’t embody holiday cheer. As I write this, Thanksgiving is only a few days away, and I know many of you experiencing the heavy thoughts and distressing emotions of grief may be thinking about scraping Thanksgiving altogether. Maybe you’re dreading grief triggers, maybe your loved one seemed so central to the day that you wouldn’t know how to carry it off without them, or maybe you’re just feeling anything but grateful. If it’s the latter (a sense of gratitude) that’s making you feel cut-off from Thanksgiving, I want to offer one simple suggestion. Just as the holidays aren’t only for happy people, neither is gratitude. You don’t have to choose between grief or feeling grateful. As we’ve said in the past, you can feel two things at once. In fact, grief is fertile ground for experiencing conflicting emotions. So here’s our not at all groundbreaking advice: Try to have a balanced outlook towards gratitude this Thanksgiving. Why is this suggestion important? Because, frankly, it sucks to feel alienated, isolated, left out, and disconnected, especially during the holidays. Okay, there are two parts to this, so get ready. Part One: Remember, it’s okay to feel not grateful I know that other people may be like, “Rah, Rah. Fun holiday office party. Carolers, how precious. Let’s go shopping. Whee!”, which may leave you feeling like the Grinch. But your not a holiday villain, you’re simply a person who had a difficult year. It’s okay to acknowledge this and to recognize your grief, apathy, and sadness. You don’t need to stuff your feelings for the benefit of other people. You are not responsible for any other adult’s happiness. Now obviously there will be times when you feel like you have to put on a front, like at work or child-related celebrations, and that’s okay. But the bottom-line here is that it’s okay to acknowledge all the reasons why you are anything but grateful. Part Two: For every gripe, find a gratitude Look, we know the world has robbed you of something so incredibly precious, and so it is beyond annoying for us to come along and tell you to be grateful. Also, we just got through telling you it’s okay to not feel grateful. We don’t offer this suggestion lightly because we know finding gratitude may feel like a stretch. Just hear us out, we’ve actually put some thought into this. As we acknowledged, finding something to be grateful for doesn’t minimize or erase the difficult thoughts, memories, and emotions you are experiencing. It may simply help to balance your outlook a little. Balancing your outlook is important. Have you ever read our post about the grief lens and its impact on outlook? If not, I can summarize. Basically, grief can make people feel cheated, angry, self-focused, bitter, lonely, isolated, resentful, guilty, sad, anxious, worried, or depressed. What many people fail to realize is that, over time, negativity can have a large impact on their overall worldview. People with a negative outlook may be more likely to find depressing, cynical, and suspicious explanations for events. They may feel as though their lives are globally awful, people are globally awful, they themselves are globally awful, and believe that these realities will never change. Gratitude has been shown to help. In 2003, Michael McCullough and Robert Emmons conducted a study where participants were asked to keep a weekly journal for nine weeks. The participants were randomly placed into three different diary groups; in the first group participants were asked to record up to five things they were grateful or thankful for, in the second group participants were asked to think back on the day and record at least five hassles that occurred in their lives, finally the third group was asked to just record the days events. Despite journaling only once a week, participants in the grateful group reported increased well-being, better health, they exercised more, felt life was better and had increased optimism. Even though Thanksgiving will feel different this year, actively seeking gratitude can be an empowering way to reclaim a part of the holiday for yourself. Finding gratitude doesn’t have to be complicated. It’s simple, actually. All you have to do is pay attention to your thoughts and when you catch yourself feeling really negative and pessimistic, think to yourself, “Yes, AND I also have X to be grateful for.” I have confidence that you can find something to be grateful for, like a hot cup of coffee, a happy memory, a song you like, your dog, your cat, green bean casserole – you get the picture. Even if you don’t want to make a habit of this whole gratitude thing, just give it a try through Thanksgiving. Because let’s be honest, you don’t want to be caught off guard when some yahoo suggests everyone share one thing they are grateful for at your Thanksgiving dinner.
  5. To all my friends in the states, I send Thanksgiving Blessings. To those who are not in the states Thanksgiving is an important holiday for us and I hope you like this song of Thanksgiving. It is a favorite of mine.
  6. I love your memory, Marg. My paternal grandmother was raised in the south and always said surp. Thanks for this memory.
  7. A good story from What's Your Grief Tell Two Jokes and Call me in the Morning: How Humor Helped my Family Grieve We are working on some projects over here at the WYG headquarters (otherwise known as ‘whatever coffee shop we wandered into this morning’) and were worried we’d fall behind on our blog posting schedule. We’re super lucky to have amazing grief-friends to help us out with a few guest posts so you don’t go into What’s Your Grief withdrawal. Today’s post comes to you from Stacy Beller Stryer. Stacy is a pediatrician, parenting expert, author, and lover of humor and the great outdoors. She lost her husband to cancer when her daughters were ages 7 and 9 and have recently written a book to help newly widowed parents through their journey and that of their children. We’re pretty excited to have her writing here, so I’ll get out of the way and let her get to it. Humor has always been a big part of my life. No, let me rephrase that. Humor has often been a necessary part of my life. Humor was a particularly good friend of mine several years ago when my husband was diagnosed with and eventually succumbed to glioblastoma, a brain tumor. You might wonder “why” or “how” I could even think about laughing during such a traumatic period, but this is when I needed it most. The year of my husband’s illness was so difficult and overwhelming that I welcomed any break from thinking about his treatment, our future, or his chances of survival. Humor provided a distraction, allowing me to think about something besides cancer, even if only for a few minutes. It gave me a reason to smile and laugh, and instantaneously decreased the stress level in our house. I didn’t actually sit around a table telling jokes or devise a stand-up comedy routine about my life, although others have done this to cope with their grief. I merely tried to find ways during my husband, Dan’s illness, to make my family feel normal. I frequently reminded all of us, particularly our 6 and 9-year-old daughters, that life consisted not just of sad times but happy ones too, sometimes simultaneously. I organized sleepovers and play dates with friends who I know would make Rachael and Becca laugh. We baked animal shaped cookies with outrageous decorations, slurped jello through a straw, and ate dessert for dinner and dinner for dessert. Fun with food was a favorite theme. Two specialties in our household were the whip cream escapade and the Singing in the Rain revival. The escapade involved buying cans of whip cream and squirting them into our children’s mouths and onto the tips of their noses. Of course, they then had to do the same to us. Even Dan, who wasn’t feeling well and rarely smiled those days, loved it! The Singing in the Rain revival included three willing family members, umbrellas, raincoats, rain boots and a shower, although an outdoor sprinkler on a hot day or even a mud puddle would work wonderfully, too. On this particular day we turned the water on, donned our gear, climbed into the shower together, fully clothed; and belted out the song, “Singing in the Rain.” Years later we still talk about that day in the shower and, believe it or not, it is a fun, happy memory that occurred during one of the worst times of our lives. The period after Dan’s death was so incredibly sad. Those who approached me were at a loss for what to say. Friends and family tried to help with words of support but, to be honest, it was the humorous, distracting stories that did the most good and provided a moment of relief from my grief. The benefit of laughter was apparent during a series of email exchanges I had with a friend of mine, Jennifer, whose husband died suddenly a few years after Dan. We began corresponding soon after his accident when just a few weeks after her husband’s death she asked me if I still dreamt about Dan. I responded, “Very rarely, but I never did a lot. I always ask for a sign from him to let me know he’s around – but I have strict conditions – make it obvious, don’t do it at night, and don’t make it scary! I think it’s too much for him!” She wrote, “Stacy, I am loving this exchange. You had me laughing so hard at your description of the conditions you placed on Dan for the sign! I laughed because I did the same thing, so the laughter was both from sheer hilarity (“not at night”) and from relief that I’m not the only crazy weirdo (oops, I meant to type widow).” We wrote more about dreams and life after death, where sorrow was mixed with humor. “Stacy, Hilarious! What do you think they serve in the after-life? Bonbons and triple cream cheese? (my heaven).” Humor continues to play an important role in my life, even years after Dan’s death. My younger daughter, Eva, grieved for a long time after her dad’s death (not that we ever stop grieving in one form or another). At first, she wouldn’t smile or laugh because she felt guilty and thought that if he couldn’t enjoy life anymore, she shouldn’t be allowed to either. She shut out her feelings toward him and others, both negative and positive, in order to avoid the pain. Over the years, however, she has learned how to compartmentalize his death and is no longer paralyzed when she thinks about him and the fact that he is no longer with us in body. I know she is better because of her humor. If I blame something, let’s just say her stubbornness, as being inherited from her dad, she may respond with, “Oh, way to blame the dead guy!” Dan would have absolutely loved this because she is sticking up for him, including him in our conversations, and comfortable enough to joke about a difficult aspect of her life.
  8. Thanks for your comments, Marty. I also agree that the talk would not be helpful to grievers nor did it really cover anything about the holidays unless one focuses on changing our thoughts. He is a fast talker and both Dr. Gloria and Dr. Heidi had a hard time getting a word in otherwise. I did focus more on the quotes and found the quotes to be helpful to anyone. The topic after all was about boosting our immune systems and not so much about grief during the holidays. I liked the idea of quieting our minds. Perhaps putting him on a health topic would be more appropriate.
  9. The webinar Thanksgiving: Boost Your Immune System with Love that Marty posted above was good. I found it well worth the hour. Dr. Bernie Seigel's language was a little colorful but I found him humorous and he had many great quotes ~ "Love your life and love your body." "Being a survivor doesn't mean being strong." "Quiet your mind." "You can't control the world, but when you control your thoughts, you bring order." I will look up his book Love, Medicine, and Miracles by. Bernie Seigel, MD ~ Dr. Gloria and Heidi Horsley have excellent talks on their Open to Hope site
  10. Why I donate to our Grief Healing Discussion Groups: Each one of us has our reason for being here and my reason is this: for the past five years I have been on a quest to learn who I am since my husband, Jim, is no longer here with me in his physical body. This forum has given me the tools that I’ve needed to do this. My journey continues and will continue until I take my last breath. Again I remind everyone that not only is this grief site free from ads but it also continues to be monitored and moderated by a nationally qualified grief counselor. The site continues to be a safe place for us to share our individual grief. We are always given excellent links to read on various topics or in the Grief Healing Blog and those who come here are caring and kind to one another. If you have looked around you find that the site is a potpourri of places to find the encouragement and support from other forum members. No one tries to ‘fix’ us for we know we are not broken. We are grieving. It takes money to keep this site running so I ask you to donate if you are able. It will always continue to be free for that is what our moderator wants. ps – I am not being paid to say this. Anne
  11. “After-Death Communication” – a free webinar with Dr. Gloria Horsley & Dr. Heidi Horsley with guest host Bill Guggenheim just aired today. It was excellent and will air again in a few days on Open to Hope. So many stories and it just needed to be listened to. A few points that I found interesting were: “there is no time limit on ADC,” “you can be your own medium,” “we can’t go back,” “reach out – that is how we heal,” “here we have an earth suit, only thing we bury is the physical body,” I liked the fact that they brought up Darcie Sims “the Mother Teresa of Grief and Loss” and mentioned that you only have to be with her for a few minutes before you are laughing. A book mentioned is – Hello From Heaven: a New Field of Research-After-Death Communication by Bill & Judy Guggenheim. An hour well spent and I will probably listen to it again when it airs in a few days. Darcie Sims passed away on March 4, 2014, but her websites are still up.
  12. Brené Brown’s Braving the Wilderness ~ The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone is another book I am reading on my latest reading list. I have been a fan of Brené Brown’s for a very long time. Her books are ones I read more than once. Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone is her latest book. My thought is how do we belong in a world that is so divided? How do I remain who I am? The book is reminding me of a book I read so many years ago titled The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. How do we remain ‘real’ in an adult world? I’m glad I have it in my library now even though it is not my favorite I still recommend it.
  13. This book by Megan Devine has already been listed by Marty but I wanted to give my recommendation also. It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine Well, I am through the first reading of her book and found it to be filled with wisdom and a definite knowledge of what it means to lose a loved one. We have heard that there is no time limit in grief and it really is OK to not be OK. I have marked so many sentences in her book that I will be going back to. Three that I’ve marked but it is so difficult to list only three: p. 10 “What I would have given to see my reality reflected back to me.” P.15 “It’ isn’t “wrong” and it can’t be “fixed.” It isn’t an illness to be cured.” P.24 “Grief is not a problem to be solved; it’s an experience to be carried.” I recommend this book to all who grieve.
  14. I am so very sorry to hear of the death of your angel child. I have no words for the way you were treated as you spent time in the hospital with your child. How beautiful and brave that you included all those who took care of your child. I believe that it is a special gift to 'educate' anyone who has the privilege of caring for the dying and to recognize that grief is traumatic. We need to be so aware of those around us to never say anything that may be overheard by a grieving person. We need more empathy and hugs rather than name-calling. I am sorry this happened to you as you were coming to terms with what was happening around you. Anne
  15. Thinking of you as you begin the many firsts and holidays coming up in the next months. You sound so wise as you go through those 'debilitating grief waves' ~ they will continue but your support group will help you along the way. Thank you for sharing. It helps us to know that we are not alone. Anne
  16. “Losing a loved one is torture, especially for those left behind. They say time heals all wounds. It doesn’t. It just patches a broken heart. It doesn’t get any easier over time. You just learn to live with the pain.” ― Mary Ting
  17. The Side Effects of Exploring Grief I’m pretty sure when a doctor prescribes medication to a patient they’re supposed to discuss the potential side effects with them. By pretty sure I mean this seems to make sense to me but I’m actually not 100% sure what the rule is because I avoid taking medication at all costs. It just seems like good practice to warn patients about all the weird symptoms they’re likely to experience as a result of a medication, treatment, or therapy. That way they don’t show up at your office in a week all like “well, my acid reflux is gone but I haven’t gone to the bathroom in a week.” Or, in the case of emotional exploration and certain therapy, saying “What’s going on doc? I feel like a basket case!” My current outlook has me contemplating this and feeling a bit remiss. Since our inception, we’ve discussed many ways to explore, express, and seek therapy for grief, but we’ve never provided the disclaimer that sometimes some of these things may initially make you feel worse. On some level you probably already understood healing means opening wounds and poking around. It’s why we avoid thinking and talking about the things which force us to feel the sting of being scared, angry, guilty, hollow, and small. We avoid the road that leads into darkness because we aren’t sure it will ever open onto a sunny path. Maybe we should have warned you that when we asked you to explore your grief, we were really asking you to dive into the pain and keep swimming. We were asking you to tolerate it, sit with it, and even embrace it. Perhaps we should have clarified, many of the methods we recommend – journaling, art, therapy, etc – have the potential to make you feel miserable before you feel better. I remember someone talking about being in couple’s therapy, I can’t really remember who, but they said it’s kind of a nightmare. For an hour they are forced to open up in a way they never have before. Theoretically, things like honesty, communication, and truth are positive, but anyone who’s been in a relationship knows they can also sometimes lead to pain. It makes total sense for a couple to leave these sessions feeling like crap, unable to recognize any progress in their capacity to communicate, empathize, and cope which (in theory) ought to happen in the long run. The same sometimes holds true with individual therapy, sometimes you wander down emotionally dark alleys, admit truths, and accept the unacceptable. Some days you might leave feeling refreshed and invigorated and some days you swear you’re never going back again. Oftentimes the burn means it’s working – read this article on whether it’s time to break up with your therapist and if the answer is no, stick with it. Then there are the areas of creative, artistic, and expressive coping – journaling, art, writing, photography – these can be just as frustrating. I’ve had a few people ask me if I think writing this blog has been cathartic and I think ultimately the answer is ‘yes’…but every so often I feel like the further in I dig here, the worse I feel. Some days there are just no words or pictures to express how I’m feeling, and some days the words and pictures are right but troubling. In my journal, I have at least a dozen opening paragraphs on a dozen different topics. I write a paragraph, I stop writing, I look into space, and I think “no I don’t have the energy to explore this today”. I’m not a writer so I don’t know if this is what writer's block feels like, but I am an avoider so I can say with complete certainty that I’m avoiding. In order to write honestly it means admitting things and right now I’m just not in the mood. My frustrated self tells me I’m better off lounging on the couch watching The Real Housewives of God Knows Where….but deep down I know I’m not. My mother died many years ago and honestly it wasn’t even close to being the first time I felt the pangs of despair and hopelessness. I’m not new to the game, I’ve experienced several different shades of anxiety and depression since my early 20s. I know the frustrating feeling of “nothing I’m doing is working”. I know what it’s like to stand at the bottom of a pit without a ladder. But I also know the only way to get out is to start digging. To keep the things I know to be helpful even when I feel like I’m getting nowhere. So this is my disclaimer to you, dealing with grief sometimes comes with a few emotional side effects. The sting of sadness, guilt, shame, and despair – often these mean it’s working. Don’t give up, keep trying, and call me in the morning. Hey, you, make our day. Subscribe to 'what's your grief' to receive posts straight to your inbox.
  18. This video was created to remember a special little angel that touched so many of our lives. It was my gift to Butch and his family and he asked if I would share it with this forum family. Some of the pictures he shared on the forum and others he sent to Kay and me over the year since Gracie’s birth. We continue to mourn with Butch and his family. Thank you, Marty, for this safe place we have to come to.
  19. I am sorry for the loss of your mom. I am glad that you are better now and that you have a great job and a great family. Holidays are always hard. In my case, the pain of loss will always be there just not as intense. The way I have dealt with the loss of my mother is to prepare one of her favorite dishes for a holiday dinner. Now that I have grandchildren we bake some of her famous cookies and make popcorn balls during Halloween ~ a favorite holiday of my mother’s. My grandchildren never met their grandmothers for they were deceased. Over the years I have found that if you share memories with other family members it eases the pain of our loved one not being with us. Sadness is something that is present when we have lost someone we love.
  20. To our forum family, Kay and I received news tonight that Butch’s granddaughter, Gracie, passed away on Monday. Gracie’s precious life was short lived but she had a smile that melted most of our hearts. Butch is not able to come on right now but he knows that you would want to be informed. It is beyond my understanding why so many of Butch’s family members have been taken away from him. For those of us who have known Butch our hearts ache for all he has been through. Grief cannot be solitary so those who wish let us gather around and let the family know we are with them and we will not let them go through this alone. It has been our way of doing things and will continue to be this way. No one goes through this alone. We are here for each other. Anne
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