enna

Dear LisaAnnB, I am so sorry that you lost your Dad only nine weeks ago, yet I am very happy that you found your memory of him something to finally smile about while looking at photos as you looked up at the North Star while sitting on your porch wrapped in a blanket. I know how cold winters can be in Nebraska being an Iowa girl myself. It’s a wonderful thing you are doing by scanning the photos of your Dad. I really like the idea that you consider it an honor to sort and scan your photos. I helped our kids do that after my Jim passed away and we made a timeline of Jim’s life and when we had the memorial for him the timeline wrapped around the room for all to see. It was fun listening to the kids cry out: “oh, I remember that”, “no, that wasn’t me!”, “Dad had hair then”, and on and on it went. Everyone took home a smaller copy of the timeline and all seven kids have that memory of their Dad. What a long life together your Mom and Dad shared. Keep smiling as you scan those pictures. I know you will continue to have good memories of your Dad. Know that you have this place to come and share with us anytime. Anne

First of all dear Kay, I thank you for you message of hope at the beginning of this post. How very different our lives are now that we have lost our dear ones. The pain is intense. It does come and go. The loneliness is there even if you are not alone. Those of us who have lost spouses know that all to well. You continue to be an inspiration to all of us. I only hope that I will be as brave as you are after a few years! Let's go into the New Year with that hope you talked about at the top of this post. Remember, you are not alone. We are all here to listen to each others rants. So let's all rant. Hugs. Anne

Dear Ann, I am so glad that your Christmas went well. Lighting the candles at your table sounded like such a positive way to remember those you have lost and loved. I am sorry that you are feeling adrift. We have been told that all these feelings are ‘normal’ as we grieve. I like to think of it as floating in a boat with no oars drifting wherever the waves take me. I so understand what you mean when you say you feel like you have no structure in your life or you think you want to eat but you don’t know. I think that is all part of the ‘fog’ we are in in the early part of our grieving. And it does not matter the loss, Ann. From your earlier posts the sudden death of your brother hit you very hard and this has to be acknowledged. Everything you are feeling is normal and it doesn’t matter how many times you saw your brother you miss him and he was taken away so suddenly and you are grieving. As for being angry… anger is normal in grief. Marty can direct you to just the right articles dealing with anger. I am taking a course (directed by Marty) through e-mails and have found it to be a good guide for me. She has a section on anger that I found helpful. Not everyone experiences anger when grieving and that is normal too. http://www.griefhealing.com/finding-your-way.htm This article is also very helpful in understanding the whole grief-process: http://www.griefhealing.com/column-understanding-the-grief-process.htm There are so many books that are good reads. Go to Marty's link at: http://www.griefhealing.com/articles-columns-books.htm You are still in the very, very early months of the loss of your brother, Ann. All of what you are experiencing is normal. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. And remember, Ann, it does not matter what/who you are grieving – all grieving is just that – grieving. Anne

I really like e.e.cummings, Mary. That is a favorite poem of mine also. We are indeed blessed to have had the love of one very special person. Christmas Eve – One of my grief friends suggested that I post this on the forum for perhaps others have experienced a similar situation. I sent this in e-mail to a few of my grief friends who ‘get it.’ I am reading an e-mail from one of my UK friends at almost 6:00 PM USA time. Peace is truly what is needed at this time of year. I almost hate to be negative at this time for I am remembering what the real meaning of Christmas is to me. I have meditated already on this Christmas Eve. I have tried to be in the moment. I am ready for tomorrow’ s dinner with the family. It will be a distraction and I will be glad to not be alone for a few hours. I agreed to have a small dinner at my house on Christmas Day – family and a friend of JIM’S. Something very painful happened to me this afternoon. A friend from across the Street (we have all known one another since 1999 when we had our homes built) called to wish me a Merry Christmas. She knew what my plans were for today and tomorrow. They really DO NOT get it. She told me that they were going to a party at a neighbor's house two doors away. I had not been invited. She knew this. What I don't understand is WHY she told me that almost all my neighbors were going to this party except me. I cried so hard. I don't know why it just made me feel so alone. It just made me sad since I knew everyone and NO ONE called to wish me a Merry Christmas or ask if I was invited to the gathering. I am the only one who does not have a partner this year. How sad. I really don't blame people but WHY can't they understand that we are lonely and could use the company at this time in our lives?!! Or just don't tell me what they are doing!!! I have plans for this evening. I will watch YA YA Sisterhood and Mama Mia just for fun. I will drink wine and eat chocolates. If I'm still awake I'll watch Happy Feet - one of my JIM’S favorite dvds. I will go to bed sometime tonight or pin on Pinterest! Tomorrow is another day. I'll see my daughter and grandchildren in January for I plan on going in to IL for a few weeks after the holidays. I hope to meet up with one of our forum members who lives a short distance from where I’ll be. I think I still have a warm coat and a pair of boots for the cold and snow! My blood is too thin to spend too much time in the cold outdoors now after all this AZ sun. Marty's post today was inspiring. She always knows how to bring tears to my eyes! I love the forum. It is my 'go to' place when I am feeling like I need someone to understand me. Again, I say thank you for being with me during these difficult days. I do not want to think about the date - the 25th!!! JIM died on May 25th so the date is sooo hard for me. I will no doubt be awake at 4:00 am as always. Something just wakes me up and I cry HARD. My JIM died at this time here in our home where he wanted to be. I really miss JIM tonight. It is so very hard to claim your own grief. I want to give it away. I know I have to learn to live my own grief so it does not consume me. I am just so afraid that life will never be good for me again. I want to be positive but it is so hard. Anyway, by 8:00 PM AZ time on the 25th I would like to be alone - family gone and quiet. Have peace and know I am thinking of our forum friends. Anne

Thank you, Harry, for your message. Three years, two years, one year, and only months – it all hurts so much. For me on Christmas Day it will be seven months that my JIM died. It seems like only yesterday and then again it seems like forever. I have come to not like the 25th of anything. I’m sure it is the same for anyone celebrating a death anniversary no matter what the date. I too have to say how thankful I am for all of you. This forum has been a lifeline for me. I come here when I start feeling alone knowing that there will be caring, kind souls to listen, but more importantly to understand. So many of you have gone through your ‘firsts’ and somehow find a way to say just the right thing to those of us who are working through ours. One thing I have found since I’ve been here is that tears flow easily and kind words help to heal. We are a strong bunch and this place only proves it. Joy is in each one of us and we manage to always give a little to each other. From my heart to all of yours peace, happiness, and eat chocolate. Anne

One wonderful thing about this forum, Deborah, is that we all know we are not alone. You are in my heart. I send warm hugs to you. Peace, Anne

Hi Matt, I just saw your last video on facebook and I'm so glad that you posted it here. I love the song and I know that it will help others who have lost a loved one. You inspire me. Thank you for continuing to write and play your songs. Anne

No words. Just here to share in our shock and sorrow. There are times one feels like you have to demand the answer to 'WHY', 'WHY', 'WHY'? Anne

The above post that Marty sent out is good for all of us Arlene. The reading material is endless... and I mean endless. I think crying, Arlene, is as ‘normal’ as breathing. We can read and read and read, but I think the bottom line is it’s ok to just cry. You are you and if you feel like crying then do it. I cry at a sunset or an animal that is hurting. I cry when I hear my granddaughter play her first piano recital at six years of age. I cry when my four-year-old grandson asks me where grandpa is now. “I want to talk to grandpa,” he says in a very demanding voice. I cry when something or someone moves me in a special way. I cry when I meet someone from my past ALZ group that I haven’t seen for months and we talk about our loses in Michael’s craft store that we both happened to go in to just to escape from the quiet house. I cry when someone says something that touches my heart. There are many on this forum that touch our hearts. I think it is perfectly all right to cry. You are a very sensitive person so crying is ‘normal’ for you. Remember what I said in a PM to you not long ago. We have loved deeply and we will cry deeply and for a long time. All losses demands that we cry. I cry hard and feel good about it with the loss of my Jim. No shame. I cry a hundred times a hundred with people (who care) or by myself. I don’t care who sees me. It is the way I express my grief. Anne

What a nice picture, Mary. You know that I have you in my thoughts and prayers always. And I am so happy that you are taking care of you. This cancer stuff is so awful. My prayers are with Cathy and her family. I know how much you want to be with her physically. There is something so special about life long friends. Just know that you are in our hearts always. I am learning to use the word "no" also. Sometimes we just have to stop and just be quiet. Anne

Dear Kay, I hope your visit went as well as could be expected. Why so little sleep? I wish you did not have such a long commute especially during the winter. You are in my thoughts. Anne

Hello Kavish, I think you do just fine articulating. I have also read some posts that I thought were current only to find that they were written months ago. I think that is part of our ‘state of being’ at this moment. No matter how much we would like another person to help us in our grieving I am finding that it is only I who can be the active ‘star’ in this performance. People cannot enter our skin and know just how we are feeling but they can share how they are feeling. That is what I think we do on this site and why it makes it a ‘safe’ place to be. I do not have a story to add but something I’m beginning to learn from something one of our fellow grievers continues to remind me of is this: ‘Be in the moment.’ We have a right to whatever feeling we are having at this moment. Our feelings are just that, our feelings. If we are angry, sad, lonely, tearful, or happy we need to learn to accept the feelings that are right now. If others do not understand that is fine. I think that if we look for others to understand us we will always be wanting for something because only we can grab our feelings and do something about them, I like a quote that we hear all the time that helps me understand what being in the moment means and that quote is: ‘dance like nobody’s watching.’ We have to not care what others think. I think we have to take more notice of what is around us and really see a flower (what does it smell like, is there a butterfly on it, count the petals on it) or a tree (what do the branches look like, how many leaves are on each branch, are there any seeds on the branches) or a sunrise or sunset (what are the colors, do we see any pictures in the cloud formations, do we stay for a moment and just be)? I often forget to just breathe. That is what I am trying to do during my time of grieving – breathe. Anne

Thank you, Marty. This was an excellent webinar on loss of a child yet it could speak to all of us. What a wonderful speaker. So many wonderful tips. So many quotes - 'learn to live the hurt and grief rather than be consumed by it;' love creates new spaces;' 'turn on all the lights to chase away the grief;' 'men do lights'; 'let the hurt out'; and on and on. Leave out 'ought and should' is my favorite 'Please don't should on me.' I am listening to this webinar over and over because there are so many tips for me to handle the holidays. The Compassionate Friends is indeed a great website. Anne

Dear Namaste, You are indeed in the right place. This forum is a light that guides us through our journey by the kindnesses of those who have gone before us. I am so sorry for your loss. I am concerned with how you are doing. Are you in good health? Take good care of you and visit this place often. So many people are 'wounded healers' as one of our members reminded us. Know that you will have the support that you need here. I shall remember you in my thoughts. Blessings. Anne

Dear Kimberly, What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it. I am just coming up on some of my firsts. My beloved Jim died in May of this year so many things are very new to me. I too know I shall never forget since I chose to remember also. Hope is such a positive feeling and many of us have such warm memories of our loved one that this is what we 'celebrate' as you said so beautifully. Anne

Anthony, I so agree with those who have posted. It is 'normal' to have days that just don't seem right. I feel that we will never be 'over' our grief. We will just learn how to incorporate it into our lives. I think we are human and handle things the only way we know how. And that is all right. Peace, Anne

I really like your quote, Jan. Here's one from me - Doesn’t matter who has passed – this is a beautiful /poem/song. “I Believe” by Diamond Rio - originally linked from Marty’s Quotes and Poems from her Comfort for the Grieving Hearts link. Also from Marty's link: these links get lost if you don't know where to find them. Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go and to work through his (her) sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery. ~ F. Alexander Magoun

I think it's time for another quote. The board has been way too quiet lately. Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling five balls in the air. You name them - work, family, health, friends, and spirit - and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls - family, health, friends, and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged, or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life. Brian Dyson, CEO of Coca Cola Enterprises from 1959-1994 Something to think about.

Dear Ann, I am so glad that your Thanksgiving went pretty well. I’m so glad that you talked about your brother and that you had a nice time. Friday you go to lunch and the mausoleum and I hope it is good for you and your sisters and mother. This could be a challenge for you. You are brave to be doing this and honoring your Mother’s request. Let me know how the day went. Did you get the house decorated for Christmas for your Mother? You are brave and it sounds like you have nothing to be guilty about when it comes to decisions made about your brother. Our brains really do have a way of playing tricks on us, don’t they? We do have much to think about during the holidays. Peace to you and I know that you know this site is here for us. I still remember when you gave me the advice that people here are here to support us and we shouldn’t apologize and that some people even want to reach out their hand. Thank you for that. I like the peridot pendent next to your name. ‘Tears of Pele.’ It’s very pretty. It is also my daughter’s birthstone. Anne

Hello Ann, I just want to check in with you to see how you made out for the holidays. You were not looking forward to Thanksgiving. I hope the day went better than how you thought it would. I am sorry that you are feeling that 'guilt and regret' thing. Many go through it. My thinking about that is we do the best we can in the moment. You are in my thoughts. Anne

Dear Rubysbaby, I usually am not on this topic but I saw that you were new and I wanted to tell you how very sorry I am that you lost your mother so suddenly and tragically. This must be such a shock to you. So many things going on at once. Your emotions sending you into a whirlwind of ups and downs. You have so many questions which is understandable. I am glad that you have sought counseling - I hope it is grief counseling. Reading is good and so is journaling. You have found this place which can be of some comfort to you for the people here do understand. Take care of yourself. Anne

Dear Lina, You have been in my thoughts. Our first Thanksgiving. I prayed for those who have become my new friends. We are on this journey whether we like it or not. Peace. Anne

Dear Mary, So much, so much to think about. I can breathe a little easier that you are home - safe. Just know that you are in my heart. Take care of YOU. Oh, what we are asked to do in this worldly life of ours. I can't believe how very sensitive I have become since Jim's death. My heart aches for those I love. Remember, we are only a very short time on this earth. I send you hope and peace. Please rest. You are in my heart. Anne My dear Kay, You are such a beautiful person. I carry you in my heart. Know you are only a thought away. Peace and Love, Anne

Here's a quote that just seems to say what I'm thinking: 'It is true that sometimes things happen in our lives and we are never quite the same We deepen and that makes us even more beautiful.' Anne