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enna

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  1. My dear Kay, I would like to respond to your kindness about my thoughts about Jim during his journey with Alzheimer's disease. Thank you. Remember, if you know one person who has ALZ then you know only one person. It is a disease that is unique to each person. I am so sorry that you felt 'jealous' because your mom knew your sister and she did not recognize you, I am so sorry that you are 'hurting.' I have come to know you through this web site as a caring, loving person and I can't imagine how much it must hurt you that your mom does not recognize you. Our minds are complicated. We only will know the answer to what exactly goes on in the mind when we are no longer here in this world. You know, the only way that anyone can know if someone really does have Alzheimer's disease in through a biopsy. I have read all your posts and I hear the struggle you have had all your life with your relationship with your mother. I am sorry that she was not capable of giving you the love that you so deserved as her child. And I know you say that you understand that she has had a sickness – never-the-less, it still must tear you apart knowing that she will not be long for this world and you still have not felt the love from a mother that you so deserve. I am so sorry for that. I truly hope that what you believe about Alzheimer's disease is what it is. I can only tell from first hand experience that I think a loved one really does not know what is happening to them in the later stages of Alzheimer's disease. To them, all is well in the world; to them, the world is just fine and there are no problems; to them everything is all right; to them there are no worries; to them, their reality is all that matters because they can't reason, discuss, or even understand that something is really wrong. I am grateful for that with my Jim. He had the diagnosis of 'age related' Alzheimer's. This is the most benign and simple form we were told. I was grateful for that. Jim remained a gentle, loving person - no anger, no outbursts. I will always be grateful for that. I would much rather suffer the pain than have him be aware that something is really wrong and not be able to understand it!! It is so easy for us to rationalize about 'staying in the now' but in reality – that just doesn't happen. Lewey Bodies as you know is a form of dementia. I am sorry that your mom has been diagnosed with this form of dementia. This type of Alzheimer's can show mental decline, there can be hallucinations and the fluctuation of being in and out of alertness are present. Muscles can become rigid and tremors can be present. It is as unique as each individual. All that is going on in your mom's health today has NOTHING to do with you. You do not have to second-guess yourself about what a loving daughter you have been. All of us who have read your posts know that you are a kind, caring, loving, and beautiful human being. Thank you for sharing your person with those of us on this web site. We are here for you just as you have been for others on this site for many years. Our arms will continue to be around you just as yours have been around us during our journey through grief. It matters NOT what the loss – we all grieve and deserve hugs. Mine to you, Kay. Anne
  2. My thoughts during Jim's last days with me . . . suffering with Alzheimer's disease – One thing I need to say about this disease - if you know one person who has Alzheimer's disease then you know only one person. This disease is unique to each person who has has been diagnosed with it. Alzheimer's disease robs us of what we've worked so hard to build our entire lives: our intellect, our personalities and our memories - those who have it are alive… but not really living. "Dusk is just an illusion because the sun is either above the horizon or below it. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are there cannot be one without the other yet they cannot exist at the same time. How would it feel I remember wondering to be always together yet forever apart?" ― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook This movie had a message for me and that message is expressed in my feelings here: During his last few weeks on this earth I would look at Jim, feeling utterly empty. I didn't know what I was supposed to say to him. My life was in that bed. Please let him stay. Please let him stay. At the end of the day it was about how much I could bear, how much I could endure. Jim kept slipping, going away and coming back – going – coming. Actually he had been doing this for several years already. This is what Alzheimer's disease does to you. It is so cruel. I hate it. Being together, we harmed nobody; being apart, we extinguish ourselves. So we stayed always close and together. This loss was slow and painful for me – over five years of decline. I never ever wanted it to end. I was happy for any moments with him whether it was in reality or not – to me he was still with me. And that is all that ever mattered. I was right in the thick of grief watching Jim as he slipped in and out of reality. He would look at me with such loving eyes not being aware that anything was wrong. So we talked like nothing was wrong – if he wanted it to be summer – it was summer – if he thought he was in IL where he grew up and spent most of his life – then we were in IL. If he thought it was Christmas then we sang carols. His reality was not my reality but he did not know this only I did. So my grief was in full swing. It was always ok with me because he was still with me and I could touch him and he could look and me and tell me how pretty I was. I cried and thanked him. Now he is gone. He slipped away with no pain, looking at people who visited with a smile, not really knowing that anything was wrong. He placed his hand on my face and told me I was pretty the last time he was speaking. I said thank you and I love you. That night I remember I cried for hours. Death forces us to look back and acceptance involves slowly turning our bodies around to look forward. I know that is going to be my journey now. I am afraid and I do not know where I'm going but somehow I do not feel alone. This grief support group has helped me express my feelings. I only hope I'm not expecting too much from you. I know you 'get it.' I have etched that in my mind. And I do not feel ashamed to place this all out on your shoulders and help me along. Hugs are good for me. I know I am not the only one who is/has taken this journey. Forgot to add this link – it was one of the songs I used when I put together a picture video for all the kids celebrating the life of their father. When he was still alive. This song was written by Glen Campbell after he found out he had Alzheimer’s disease. Needless to say it spoke to me. "If you begin a new chapter of life, you carry the person you lost along with you." This is what I'm going to hold on to. Jan and Kay - thank you for your kind words. I know you 'get it.' Anne
  3. Dear Miss Ngu, When I read your messages my heart sank knowing how devastated you are feeling. I am so very sorry. Many, many years ago I too lost my dear mother. My heart is still empty and sad when I think of her. She was truly the BEST person I ever knew. Gentle, kind, loving, caring, best friend, confidant, and so on and so on . . . I can only tell you that you will always have those loving feelings for your mother. Those feelings do slip into the background as years pass but they will always be there. This site helps all of us express the loss we are feeling at any given moment. It makes no difference how short or long ago the loss it is still loss. I have found it helpful to read others posts because when you have lived as long as I have you'll find that you have suffered many different losses. Each loss is as unique as the individual. Not one of us fit into a 'category' or mold. The people here listen and they do 'get it.' Our hearts are broken and we sometimes think we will never be able to go on without someone we loved, but we do and we will and sometimes we just need to say things outloud. That is what this site allows us to do. May the sorrow that you are feeling in your heart today lighten by the love that surrounds you. Journal to your mom, ask her for advice – and in a quiet moment you may just hear a reply – celebrate your birthday knowing that your mom is with you – not in the way you would like her to be but she is with you. Please check out Marty's link titled 'Self-Healing Expressions' for her take on the loss of a mother and she posted a poem that speaks to all of us on the loss of our mothers. I found comfort reading it. Peace and hugs. Anne http://j.mp/a0rrvM
  4. I have gone to Marty's link on Grief Healing: After-Death Communication, NATS, and I have found several links to be helpful to me at this time in my journey. The medium, John Edwards, has some interesting readings. I have used his Lighthouse Meditations to relax me when I'm trying to place myself in a state of mind that will allow me to be open to whatever! I find that I am a very impatient human being. I want something, anything to happen right now. I so miss Jim that my mind just won't accept the fact that I'll never connect with him again until I leave my body to join him. I am a Christian so there are many factors that prevent me from accepting some of the theories that others believe in but that is ok. We are all individuals. Reading provides us with knowledge so I am spending much more time reading. Nurturing the mind and body is/has always been important to me. I will not allow myself to accept that I will not connect with Jim while I am physically here on this earth. I am taking an online class from a renowned Hypnotherapist , Steve G. Jones, who is skilled in astral projection. We shall see. For those of you who are interested in how my 2nd session with the HOV Grief Counselor went yesterday - will – all I can say is that if crying is cathartic well then I am healing. It is good to sit with someone who understands and listens and is just present. I have opened myself to the pain as so many of you before me have all ready done – I know I will get through this because this is what I am choosing. One observation that I'd like to make about our grief web site - one never knows what words of encouragement mean to those who grieve – no matter what we are grieving or how long we have been grieving – words DO comfort and heal. Anne
  5. Dear Kay, I think that you are doing a great deal of exercising - reminds me of 'Little House on the Prairie" - you indeed are exercising. I like horses also. They are so majestic and so powerful yet gentle to be with. I used to love riding - I rode a horse called Buttercup when I was younger -much younger. I hope you are on Pinterest. I sent you an invite to visit me on the site. The site is very relaxing and I really like seeing what others have posted. Tomorrow I see my HOV grief counselor for the second time. You see, I am very new to this grief journey even though it has been almost five months. Our HOV here in AZ has a service memorial that honors all those who have passed during the last year. We send in a picture of our loved one in and then they run a video during a service. I am somewhat afraid of going but I also am drawn to it. I will not go alone because it will be too painful. I really don't know what I would do if we did not have this grief forum. It has helped me. My heart breaks when I follow some of the posts to see what others are going through. I so admire the courage that is present. I believe that we do not survive as single people on this earth - remember 'No Man is an Island?' by Thomas Melton? I truly believe that we do not live here alone but need others. This site brings us together in a single purpose - we are all grieving and we all need to be heard. I think dreams are what keep us human. We can believe what we want to and yes, sometimes they do seem so real and that is all right. Anne
  6. Hi Mary, I thought I answered this but I don't see my response. If I came over, I'd be jumping in those leaves not raking them. I know you have a hard time around Easter - so many memories. Here's a hug. And you know you can always cry with me for more than 10 seconds. I am so thankful for this grief support site. Rest and take care. We will never be finished with this until we are with our loves again. I do believe this. anne
  7. Dear Marty, I have always been a spiritual person. I do read and meditate. Relaxation was never in my vocabulary when taking care of Jim. He never knew I wasn't relaxed though because I always had a smile when near him. Yes, Wednesday is my time with my HOV bereavement counselor. She is such a caring person. I sent a picture of Jim for the 'Light up a Life Event'. I will go but with someone. I will ask about that referral for a HOV massage therapist. I think my experience today was funny. I continue to have a protected casing around me and only let my true feelings out to a very few people. Our grief support group has helped me. Some things are still just too painful to put out on the board. In time. Anne
  8. Dear Mary, I took a nap this afternoon and came on our site to see this beautiful quote you sent out. Wow! Thank you. You get a hug right now. Our journey will just keep on keeping on. Thank you for YOU. You are indeed a caring person. I'm sure many appreciate how you have our hand helping us on our journey. And I truly hope, Mary, that you know we are here for you also. We hear the quiet pain in your heart. Anne
  9. Hi NATS, Good for you for working out. Remember what I said about our hearts - we only have so many beats in our lifetime and I'm not going to waste them on exercising. But I was only kidding. We need to stay healthy. Tell me more about the steps you are taking on your meditation. 54 is so young. I don't know how I'm going to react when I turn the big 70!! Anne
  10. Dear Mary, Talking about the 'trek' we were on - my Jim was not a small man – 6' and he was Irish so he loved my cooking. This pains me to even think about our journey to his death. I think I told you this in E-mails. I was very fortunate that Jim only became unsteady around the last six months of his life. The falls were terrifying for me. And he had many of them. I hated it when people would tell me that I couldn't keep doing this and I should find a good care facility for him. I know this and if I had to do it then I'd do it. Showers were always so scary because I feared he'd fall. I was on first name basis with our fire department. When I finally called Hospice and they started to work with us it was not until the last month of his life. I felt so comforted with our HOV Team. They truly were our angels. I was able to become his partner and love again and not only his caretaker. I will always be so grateful for that. I started with my HOV grief counselor in September. I see her this Wednesday. She comes to the house because that is where I am most comfortable. And anyway, that's much more cozy than meeting at a coffee shop! I took to her right away. She is so caring. We are very fortunate here in AZ to have access to a specialized grief counselor for the first year of Jim's death. The first months I was just numb so I'm getting a late start. I am reading and reading and reading. I allow myself only a few hours a day for self-pity because it is just to exhausting. I do find comfort and caring and help from all of you on our grief support site. I have always been a spiritual person but as you mentioned taking care of a loved one puts pretty much everything on hold. I found that I had to store everything in my heart because when it was time for sleep I slept. I am journaling. It is so painful but I just pour my heart to Jim as though he were sitting here with me – I know he is not – at least not in the way I want him to be. Perhaps now that the light is beginning to dawn I'll be able to process what happened the last five years of my life. Thank you for the links on meditation I'll check them out. I have always meditated and I know that that is why I had the strength to do what I did. Relaxing is another story. I'll put a little more effort into that one. Anne
  11. Kay, Things were really all right. Just funny. And the table was ok just small. I'll go again but to another masseuse. Anne
  12. Hello, Jan, You should be sleeping right now in England. The massage experience was interesting. there will be others though. I was sleepy this afternoon so I took a nap. Touch base when you return from holiday. hugs Anne
  13. Some of you knew I was going to have to post on this one ~ my massage Yes, it was my first experience with having a massage. We are advised to take care of ourselves during this grieving process so I decided to go for it. I've had neck and shoulder massages but not the back with rocks! So, I introduced myself and told her that I was treating myself to a little bit of self-indulgence since I lost my husband recently. She gave me the quick 'sorry' and it was time to get up on the table. Now, I am not a small lady ~ I am 5' & 7" tall and I do not weigh the same as I did when we were married forty years ago. Well, not very gracefully, I climbed up on the table that was about as wide as the one in a doctor's office (you know, the one that's about the width of an arm). I started to laugh and found myself out of control and she hadn't even started the massage ~ after all, I'm going to be 70 and I'm not exactly the 'yoga' queen. I only have so many heartbeats in this body and I don't want to waste them on exercising! I never have been one who can sleep on her stomach! And when you've been taking care of your husband 24/7 for five years there really hadn't been too much time to self-indulge! Oh, I called on friends to visit with Jim while I ran out to do the necessary things like go to the dentist, the doctor, do shopping, fill up the car with gas, attend meetings, lunch with girl friends ~ looking back on it I think I've been running for a long time. Thank goodness the gal I went to is right here at our community. She usually does the golfers and the ball players who think they are still in their prime. When she put the rocks on my back she did ask me if I was ticklish because I was still laughing. I said, NO, don't think so ~ why? I couldn't tell you the number of times she said, 'relax'. She asked me if I was seeing a therapist and I said, "NO, why?" Ok, so here goes ~ she said, "I don't think you are dealing with the loss of your husband as you should be." So I said, "How should I be dealing with it?" So she told me I should be crying not laughing. I do not think I'll go back to her. I did like the rocks on my back only they were too cold! However, it did feel nice. I've been home for a few hours now and you guessed it ~ I've started to analyze the whole experience. There is no doubt a parallel between laughing and crying. You know those chemical endorphins in our brain could work for laughing as well as crying! I also have read that laughing or crying can strengthen the stomach muscles. I sure could use that help. Was I laughing because I was nervous ~ hummm. Was I laughing because it is easier than crying ~hummm. Was I laughing because I really do not know how to relax ~ hummmm. Was I laughing because it is too painful for me when I cry ~ hummm. Or, was I laughing because it felt good ~ hummm. Anyway, I forgot to bring my box of puffs and my laugh wasn't the hysterical kind. I know I am starting to come out of the 'FOG' everyone talks about. I know my body has not relaxed yet since I must have been on remote for so long. I must tell you, I have bawled and screamed until I don't think there is any water left in my body. I am releasing whatever it is that has overwhelmed me. I will try a massage again ~ later. I still would rather have Jim's arms around me. Someone other than people on this site no doubt would be telling me I should go see a shrink. But here, I think you all understand. Anne
  14. Dear Mary, No offense taken about your thoughts on the Dog Whisperer. I really had no opinion about him other than sometimes it is the trainers who need to learn how to train.. I love animals. I am trying to take baby steps through this time in my life - I suck at it - I have been running for so many years that my body needs to learn how to slow down. I am off to my first massage. I've had neck and shoulder ones but not the rocks on the back! Today is the day. Anne
  15. sounds like you are having a great time with Kelbi!!! Have you ever heard of the 'Dog Whisper"? I guess they say it is the owner who needs training. I hope your holiday will be relaxing. We'll help you with those pictures. Miss you until you return from your visit. Thanks for your PM. I am trying to be open but sometimes it is hard to be on the site - I feel so vulnerable and I know I shouldn't. Anne
  16. Kay, As I said in an e-mail - happy, happy birthday - hope you don't have to suffer through a cold this early in the season. I wonder who has to rake all those leaves at Mary's house. he he
  17. Hi Jan, I wonder how come people of all ages love cookies! We are surely going through something I bet neither one of us expected to be doing at this time. I love thinking about Jim just as you like thinking about Pete. I did not know what lonely was until only about a few weeks ago. I am missing Jim so much. I don't know if it is harder because I am already retired and not out in the work place anymore. I find myself looking for him so I can share something with him. I can't go out on the patio yet because that is where Jim was from morning until evening when he was still able to move around. It is so painful to see his rocking chair that he loved to sit in. We are coming into the great fall season now when we can be out from October until May. I really do love Arizona during these times. Our last travel time together was when we drove up to Sedona with family and spent a week taking in the beauty. We loved the red rocks. I have always liked nature. It gave me a peace. I'm sending you a video of our great state of AZ with Patsy Cline singing 'The Wayward Wind' as the slides change. It'll be your turn to send me some pictures of your place. I'm glad we are pinning now on Pinterest. I'm addicted but NOT as bad as Mary. he he So you will be visiting family in a few days. I know you will be ok. And I know you will be glad to get back home. Love your grandchildren. They keep us young. My little ones are in ILL so I don't get to see them as often as I'd like. I have no idea what I'm going to do for the holidays - I want to stay here - I know I don't want to travel - and if this is selfish - so I am selfish - I don't want to do something for others right now. I want to be here where Jim and I have been. I don't want to be away from our home this year - not now. And I'm not going to feel guilty about it. It does scare me to be alone during the holidays. Last year a group of our seniors came to the house and sang songs for Jim - he sang right along with them. It was sad because I knew that it would be our last holiday together. Now I have that to think about. Touch base with you when you get back from your visit. Anne
  18. Hi Mary, You are a busy lady. Take time to breathe. I know how much you love your quiet time. Winter is coming. I do miss the cold winters sitting next to the fireplace. But that was with Jim. It is really hard not having him to talk to. I never, never thought it would be this painful. And here I thought I was prepared!! Right! Sometimes I feel so vulnerable coming on this site. I feel so exposed. I know I am not being judged but it is so hard to get these feelings out. I know this is a safe place to share your feelings but it seems so unnatural. Family and friends have gone ahead a long time ago. And that's all right. I know they just don't 'get' it! I sometimes embarrass myself for being so self-absorbed - I think it was better when I was in that FOG - at least the pain was not so intense. I so miss Jim. Here I am almost seventy years old and I'm acting like I've never gone through losses in my life. This loss is tearing me apart. I have lost the most important person in my life. Now what am I suppose to do! I am seeing my grief counselor from HOV on Wednesday. She checks up on me and tells me that I need to get the mind and heart a little closer - wait until she sees me on Wednesday! I know I won't be so philosophical about this whole death experience. I know we are born and we die. I hope no one tries to tell me that when talking about Jim because I never thought that he was going to die. And I don't want him to be dead but he is. Now I have to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life without him. And I know he is with me but not in the way I want him to be. Enough. I hope you are able to get some quiet time. It has been very busy for you these last days. Thank you, Mary, for being with those of us who are so new to this grief. It does help to hear some encouragement from those who have traveled this journey before us. Anne
  19. i like your picture - you are in my heart

    Anne

  20. Dear Ann, The Celebration of Life you had for your brother sounded so nice. It always helps when the day is beautiful also. Yes, as you said now is the time to begin your journey into facing the reality of his absence. You will have support right here on this site. Many have lost both siblings and others so they will be able to understand. The necklace sounds so beautiful – "tears of Pele" how nice. You will miss him. I am sorry for your loss. Now both your brother and your dad are somewhere out there and they are watching over all those who have loved them. Please visit this site to help you find peace. Anne
  21. 134 Days My thoughts on Spirituality – I’ve been thinking about putting my grieving on a back burner for an instant – I say an instant because that’s all I think I can focus on at a time these days – after all, it’s only been 134 days I do need to work on balancing work, play and rest which has almost been impossible since Jim’s death – I have been so self-absorbed – so focused on his death and what it means to me – all I can think about is why, why me, why isn’t he still here holding me, loving me, touching me – I miss him – I miss him So today I’m looking to add my light to the world. I’m going to lend my hand to create positive change by visiting some of the ladies at blessings for seniors (a care facility for those who can’t be by themselves anymore – they like my cookies) I do respect myself so I am going to pamper myself this week and go for a massage – I’ve never had one – I haven’t been the ‘touchy- feely’ type but the need for touch is pressing on me now – I so miss Jim’s arms around me – I will bring a box of puffs – I can’t get Marty’s post to us the other day out of my head – I have been working on humility all my life. I still don’t know what it is – I am grateful for all I have – Jim and I used to talk about this often – I miss those talks We never wanted to limit ourselves – we always read. We worked on being kind. I want to accept this grief I’m in right now I just don’t know how or if I’m headed in the right direction. So many questions - so much clutter in my mind – how do I go with the flow now that I am alone Anyway, these are my thoughts right now. Anne
  22. Hello Cindy, I have read your posts. You are in the right place right now. I am so very sorry that you have suffered this painful loss. My heart goes out to you. What a trip your husband has traveled. It sounds as though you had some wonderful support at the hospital. How good that your husband was never alone. He must have loved you so very much to say to you that you were the only one he trusted. You know that that was not the case but that was what he said to you. What a bond of love you must have had. I am so sorry that he had some trouble breathing. What a beautiful thing your son did when he wrote that song for his dad – how beautiful – what a touching moment. When you put your head down as you listened to the song – this is when your husband made his choice to leave this world. We don’t know why, but we have heard that those who are ready to die do so on their own terms. He no doubt wanted to spare you any more pain. You are going to start your journey through grief as those of us on this site are doing right now. We are all at different places – some have been on this journey for only a very short time and others have been on for many years. Those who are more seasoned will share with us their journey and I have to tell you that as we walk this journey we will come out of it stronger than we are right now. I believe this because this is a choice I am going to make. Keep posting – there are caring people here. You are in my heart. I am so sorry for your loss. Anne
  23. Trees Joyce Kilmer I think that I shall never see A tree whose hungry mouth is prest Against the sweet earth's flowing breast; A tree that looks at God all day, And lifts her leafy arms to pray; A tree that may in summer wear A nest of robins in her hair; Upon whose bosom snow has lain; Who intimately lives with rain. Poems are made by fools like me, But only God can make a tree. Dear Mary, I think you no doubt saw this one coming. It does not surprise me that so many people like/comment about your tree. It is a thing of beauty. And its magnificence does indeed only last for a few short moments. I cannot think of anyone who does not like the fall season. So many changes so quickly . . . both good and bad. "I remember two Octobers ago watching the leaves fall almost one by one or dozens at a time as I watched Bill's abilities, presence, aware eyes drift away one skill at a time or dozens at a time some days. October was the beginning of the end of the magnificence in my life." In my opinion, Mary, you are reflecting on the journey you and Bill took down that dreaded disease of Alzhiemer's. I hear your pain. I've been there. And as you have told me many times 'we are on a roller coaster ride of our lives.' This pain will never go away but it will become a little more bearable you say. The sadness will always be 'right there.' Most of us will be able to carry the grief we are dwelt in some way. How many people that you met today asked, "How are YOU doing, Mary?" I will ask you Mary, how are YOU doing today? Do YOU need a hug – for longer than 10 seconds? Happy Birthday to Bentley and I hope he is going to get his birthday burger. I am glad that you have Bentley there with you. I loved your tree. Mine was cut down this morning BUT I will replace it with an Indian Laurel and a Jacaranda tree. We do move on, don't we? Anne
  24. “Love is like an orchestra. You may be a clarinet—a strong, fine wind instrument all by yourself. But when you surround yourself with other instruments, each of whom do the work of carrying their own parts and practicing their own music, together, as a group, you can blow the doors off the place.” This quote reminded me of our journey through grief. By ourselves we cannot accomplish what we have to to move through this pain of loss but with others we will move through this journey and come out new. It’s like the geese formation – together they get to their destination. Because we have loved much we will mourn much and slowly become well again. I usually don’t recommend books because there are sooo many of them but this one is one that we could take something from whether we are in the beginning of our mourning or well into it - Loving from the Outside In, Mourning from the Inside Out by Alan D. Wolfelt His book can be purchased at http://www.centerforloss.com/bookstore/Loving-from-the-Outside-In-Mourning-from-the-Inside-Out.html Anne
  25. I love your tree. Now I know where to get one to replace my dead Shamel Ash tree in the backyard. I wonder how long it would take me to drive to Wisconsin in a BIG truck. Thank you for sharing. Anne
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