enna

Dear Lina, I like the picture. Six months is such a very, very short time. There is NO right way to handle any of our grief. It is whatever we think it is at the time. Things you are experiencing like not sleeping, not focusing, thinking you are going insane, crying ALL the time are all normal grieving. I am so sorry. You are so very young. I understand that we will have these periods of time when everything comes rushing back. Remember, there is no time limit on what we are going through. This is a good place to be. So many people have this great power of listening because they have been where we are. My Jim passed on May 25th - my whole world fell apart - I thought I was prepared - I am not. Please keep posting because there are caring grievers right here who hear you and will respond. Thank you for liking my picture of Jim. I didn't think I needed to keep the one of the two of us up. Anyone who has read my posts know how much I love him. My heart goes out to you. I am hearing you. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and let you know you are loved and not alone and not insane! Anne

Mary You who are always giving should have a moment of compassion from those of us who do understand. I'm glad you liked the ppt. I sent you. It's good to reflect and you are the one saying tears are cleansing. And I think your maple tree is beautiful - most colorful one I've seen since we left the mid west. Anne

Right back at you, Kay. I know I'll never stop missing Jim.

Jan We are an emotional bunch, aren't we. Are you enjoying Life After Death? I like to dream - if ONLY our dreams were real. Well, some of them anyway. Don't worry about Pete's pullover - you will never forget his smell - I know. I'm also touching things around the house - it gives me comfort. It's almost 10:00 A.M. here in AZ and you are already for supper or is it dinner? Anne

Anthony Thank you for responding to my panic about the Shamel Ash tree in the back! I thought I had lost it - obsessing over a dead tree! It was NOT a good time for that tree to die. They say this summer was very hard on trees. Enough people have told me that the tree was a symbol of my love for Jim so it made a little more sense. I am sorry you lost the Jacaranda - that is one of the trees I am thinking about planting - as well as a weeping willow (I know there's one kind of willow tree for our hot AZ weather). It is not easy to be alone is it? They tell us that we will manage. The new pic is of my Jim. He was a B17 pilot in WW11. Anne

Another good article, Marty. I take a box of puffs with me whenever I go out. To all my Grief Friends, 'Look To This Day' I lit another candle for my Love who died May 25th. I invite you to stop by and be quiet with me for a moment if you'd like http://www.gratefuln...earch.cfm?l=eng Type in DAG and hit search – then under search results click the candle from AZ, United States Also, if you'd like to light your own candle OUR grief support group initial is GfHlg – just click on a candle that is not lit and write your own message if you'd like - it's one way to stay connected and it does not cost anything Another thing I did today to calm me was to go to the www.gratefulness.org web site and listen to the message: A Good Day video (left side under light a candle) – just for myself during this roller coaster ride I'm on right now – and please look past the ads - we can't do anything about them. If you're listening – thank you Anne I am falling apart again. That post you sent to Jan, Mary, Kay, and me on my post: 'My beloved is not with my anymore'. I can't even read through it because I have so many tears. I am trying to be sooo philosophical about this whole 'grief mess'! My mind and heart are still battling big time! It is a good post. It is so hard to even mention JIM to anyone without bawling. I beg to SEE him and I want him to know that I miss him so very much that I get sick to my stomach thinking about him really being dead. I know he's dead and not here in the way I want him to be. I just don't want to accept it. I don't WANT to feel the pain. I am impossible to satisfy because I do WANT him right here like he used to be. As stated in the post you sent out today about "The Critical Importance of Seeking Support" I firmly believe that we have a life support on this web site that keeps us all from falling apart. I like the give and take that some of us are involved in. I appreciate the fact that those who are years into their loss are so generous with their support. Thank you for "honking to us as a form of encouragement and mutual support." Anne

Here comes another wave - and I don't swim very well! I am in a very "dark" place right now. I know I can move out of it I just don't know if I want to. I find comfort being sad. I don't care if this is selfish. I am listening to "Don't Cry for Me," and I AM crying. I don't want to think about "we'll soon be back together" all I want is for Jim to be here and really hold me. This song does not comfort me – it makes me angry –angry that I am here alone in our house – angry that you left me before we spent time growing old together – angry that more people didn't visit with you during your illness – you were such a gentle, loving person – always smiling, never complaining – angry that the kids didn't put more effort into visiting with you – when talking to you they kept saying "Dad sounds fine" – they had no idea how fine you weren't – now they are dealing with their own guilt – I don't carry it for them – I have my own guilt to deal with – I know you would be shaking your head right now – I don't care. Someone said that we are on a roller coaster of our lives during this grief journey. Well, I'm on it and I am NOT having fun! Roller coasters made me ill just looking at them let alone getting on one. I have never ridden on a roller coaster so right now I want off. Anne

Dear cindycox – My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss. So sudden – so shocking…yes, you are still in shock but you have found a wonderful, caring web site to be in at this time – my love, Jim, died in May and I did not find my way here until a few months ago – you will feel loved and understood here. What a double whammy that you are only now finding out that your mother has lung cancer – I am so very sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how much pain you are in with your world falling apart with all this grief. With so many things going on at one time, you will find our moderator, Marty, able to guide you to the many sources that are on this web site. Being angry is part of the grieving process. Crying is very good – it cleanses. People don't mean to be uncaring – they just don't know what it is like – they just don't know how to respond. I have learned that everything I'm going through is normal. Research this web site. Read if you can – I found that I wasn't retaining anything when I first started to read. I was staring at the books! I am so sorry about the videotape. I am sorry that it hurt you so. You do not have to apologize ever for what you are going through. We are here. We listen. Remember, everything is normal grieving. Keep coming to this caring site. No one judges. Anne

Leon, You are in the right place. You are responding to a group of caring people who KNOW about loss. I am so sorry for your loss. 34 years with Laura – what an accomplishment. Many marriages don't last anywhere near that long. You must have been true soul mates. You are in the very beginning of your grief journey. You are coming out of shock. This is the place to be. We don't have answers for you but we do have listening ears. You will not ever rid your self of this grief but you will learn to manage it indeed. There are endless resources on this web site for you to feel connected to others who are walking this painful journey. You are not alone. Suggestions: Sign up for Marty's 'First Year of Grief' e-mails. Read, read, read… Read the journey that others are on right now from the post: 'Loss of a spouse' etc. There are unlimited resources on this site that will help you on this painful journey. Begin, feel the pain and know that you are not alone. My love of forty years died in May. I am on this painful journey also but I have found unlimited help and it has been a comfort to me to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just am not there yet. Anne

Marty, I liked the article. I believe that we all suffer and struggle through this short lifetime we are here on earth. I also believe that there are those moments of profound joy that help us move through the suffering. The pain will always be with us. One thing that struck me from the article posted on 15 April 2011 titled: "Suffering: The Irritant That Produces the Pearl" by Therese J. Borchard was the quote by J. K. Rowling -..."I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found that I had friends whose value was truly above the price of rubies." I think all of us throughout our lives have found those 'friends'. I am finding people like that on this web site. People who are willing to accept where I am in this awful pain I'm in over the death of Jim. This loss will never ever leave me but someday I know I'll find the peace to live with it. That is my choice. And thank you for moderating this web site. Anne

9/28/12 Mary, Thank you for the reminder of Marty's movie site. Strange how we had a similar experience with the remote as I too would stop and start the TV until it became too frustrating for Jim. We only listened to his Easy Listening/Classical music channels because that is what he liked and he seemed to be in a more calming state during those times. I have music piped into most rooms and on the patio. There were times I had to wear my earplugs though! I did know about the movie link and I lost myself in movie watching for the first few months because I just wanted to be alone and I wanted to cry/bawl when I wanted to. I did not want any advice from anyone and I needed this time to be alone with my Love. I think I mentioned before that my journey with Jim through ALZ lasted five years and in the last two and a half years I helped start an ALZ support group in our retirement community for caregivers who had loved ones slammed with ALZ. It is such a cruel disease and one that will need much more attention than it is given. I don't know nor do I have the foggiest idea what my future will be but I have been thinking that I might work in the service area of our elderly. I was inundated with the amount of pain/suffering/grief those of us were experiencing. It is such a cruel thing to watch someone you love slip away so gradually as was the 'in and out' phase of Jim's last days on this earth. Those of us living with this stinky, sickening disease know only too well what it does to those we love. I hate what this disease does/did to the Love of my life. Now my heart is breaking and I'm crying and I don't want to feel this pain. Hope you so enjoyed Royal Family. The season lineup sounds great. What an amazing friend you have in your 82 year-old sculptor/painter. I'd like to see the oil she painted of Bill. I hope you had your 'snuggies' on at the outdoor park. Be sure we get to see your finished watercolors "joygriefjoy" when finished. This gives me some hope that I have something to look forward to a year from now. I can't think there yet. I am glad that you are still taking 'me' days. And I thank you for being a listening ear. Once again I find myself not knowing how to express the gratefulness I have for our HOV here in AZ. I truly believe that they saved my life and are still saving it. I too had a good pj day. Anne I am sad that FRED (my grand dog) will have to go home tomorrow. Anne

Mary, A book I think you'd like if you haven't already read it – The Creative Habit: Learn it and Use it for Life by Twyla Tharp – it reminds me of what you are doing with your watercolors and all the work you are putting into them. I think it's refreshing to tap into our creative life and try new things. I don't know where I'll be with my piano lessons in a year! "The soul of the artist cannot remain hidden." ― Henri J.M. Nouwen

Kay, Why would you put make-up on if you were not going to work or shopping! When I have my grand-dog, Fred, I walk him in my sweats and hat – I live in a closed community and I really don't care who sees me! Isn't giving ourselves 'me' days just so good for us? I just loved being retired but now I'm not so sure. It's not that I didn't involve myself in activities it's just that my Love is no longer here to do them with me. This makes me very sad and it scares me. My heart is in constant pain right now. I only hope I can get at least close to where you are now in a few years. Again, you continue to amaze me with all the spirit you have – I hope to learn from the path you have had to walk. Anne

Hi Jan, Thank you for liking Yo Yo Ma. . . I miss Jim so. And I do understand how hard it may be to listen to music right now. Quietness is very difficult for me also. It's not that I don't want to be alone with my thoughts – it's that I don't have anyone here anymore to share them with me. I so understand what you mean when you said: "When I meet friends when on walks I have become aware that I am talking too much - a sure sign of a person who lives alone .I must be careful about this. I don't want to be someone to avoid! " I felt the very same way when I saw my bereavement counselor for the first time here at the house and the first thing I told her was that I am a very private person and it's hard to draw me out. Well, she just sat down and waited and then the sentences started to pour out of me. We both had a good laugh. People will not judge us if they know our history and are a 'safe' friend. What we are going through is grief and not a psychiatric breakdown. A poem I want to share with you: It's a William Wordsworth quote – Be still and know that I am elohiym (ruler, judge, true God) - Ps 46:10 When from our better selves we have too long Been parted by the hurrying world, and droop, Sick of its business, of its pleasures tired, How gracious, how benign, is Solitude, How potent a mere image of her sway; Most potent when impressed upon the mind With an appropriate human centre--hermit, Deep in the bosom of the wilderness; Votary (in vast cathedral, where no foot Is treading, where no other face is seen) Kneeling at prayers; or watchman on the top Of lighthouse, beaten by Atlantic waves, Or as the soul of that great Power is met sometimes embodied on a public road, When, for the night deserted, it assumed A character of quiet more profound than pathless wastes I think this is a fitting quote for those of us who will always miss the loves of our lives: "Distance never separates two hearts that really care, for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. But whenever I start feeling sad cuz I miss you I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss." ― Henri J.M. Nouwen

Tomorrow is going to be a movie day for me. And yes, I will be in my sweats as I learned from Maureen Hunter who wears pjs when she has "a deep need for restoration, for space and for solitude for a time." I have always found movies to be a respite from anything ordinary I do. With my grand dog, Fred, next to me I'm going to enjoy the last day Fred and I have alone time before the kids return from their holiday. I just pulled out "Under the Tuscan Sun." This movie seems to help when I get too self-involved. A few quotes that I think on are: "Because I'm sick of being afraid all the time." "Life offers you a thousand chances, all you have to do is take one." "What About Bob" just makes me giggle and I do give myself permission to laugh just not very often. Compassion heals. Thank you. Anne Kaleidoscope of Grief From enna "Caring is letting things matter to us, including other people. It means valuing their well being and acting with attention to their needs. When we care about someone or something, we hold a consciousness of what can harm them and what is needed for them to flourish. Acts of kindness and words that let others know that we care. Our caring can comfort another person even when neither of us has the power to change a difficult situation." From the Dalai Lama My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness. Compassion Ballad Melanie Anderson 5/20/04 I don t know what comes over me when someone is in pain a light wells up in me to help I simply can't refrain. To frightened souls a loving touch, a soothing word or two, is comfort, though it isn't much it's offered by too few. So strong is empathy in me I am compelled to aid it is a wondrous thing indeed this feeling that God made. for giving help is why we're here. My hand I'll lend each day. Give Yourself a Gift Everyday Today my gift is to accept peace What is yours? Simple Gifts – Yo-Yo Ma and Allison Kraus –YouTube Letting Go To let go doesn't mean to stop caring, It means I can't do it for someone else. To let go is not to cut myself off...It's the realization that I can't control another…To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences. To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. To let go is not to try and change or blame another, I can only change myself. To let go is not to care for, but to care about. To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the out comes but to allow others to affect their own outcomes. To let go is not to be protective, It is to permit another to face reality. To let go is not to deny, but to accept. To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment. To let go is not to criticize and regulate any one but to try to become what I dream I can be. To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. To let go is to fear less and love more. Author Unknown Sometimes our light goes out, but is blown again into instant flame by an encounter with another human being. Each of us owes the deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this inner light. Albert Schweitzer

Mary, yes Mary, I know what you are saying about the tree – I think I had an instant flash realizing that Jim was really dead! I'm not ready to admit it fully but it seems that my heart is starting to make it more real. It hurts and I cry. From what you shared it sounds like I'll be facing many more triggers! Today I thought about being alone and being lonely. I'm not quite sure if I can explain the difference yet. Perhaps there will be something on Marty's links that will explain the difference. I like being by myself and having my space. I've always liked my alone time. Now all kinds of thoughts are entering my mind: am I going to be safe in the house, can I go out by myself at night, do I need to get an alarm system. These thoughts didn't surface when Jim was alive. It's unsettling to me now. The house is so quiet. I never minded the quiet when Jim was alive even when he was out of town for several days. I hope that this feeling of sadness isn't going to mean that I'm going to be lonely the rest of my life. I am not one to wallow in self-pity but I just don't feel like getting out and mixing with the world yet. This is probably not making any sense to anyone because it sure isn't making sense to me. Anne

Kay - Thank you for your thoughts on what is a 'trigger'. I'm in a place right now where I believe that Jim liked that tree so much that he took it with him and is trusting me to plant just the right one so I can think of him every time I look out the dining room windows.Anne

Kay, thank you for hearing. You have been an inspiration to me since I joined this web site. You have been so positive when I don't want to hear anything about positive right now. But as I said earlier I am so happy that your mother is finally settled in Sierra Oaks. Nats, thank you for your continued support – the quotes are inspiring. Mary, you asked me how it felt to be open with other grievers - perhaps I let my guard down a little today – I felt guilty for unloading MY grief on those who already had their own pain – I felt good to let others carry MY pain for awhile – I felt good that others were caring for me as I go through these downs. I felt more of a bond with those who opened up to me. I felt that I am being listened to without judgment. Yes, I do have a few friends who I share with person to person. I also have friends back in the Midwest who call and e-mail me. So I do talk to them openly. Bottom line is it is MY pain. Today my grief feels like sand being dumped down my throat. I can barely breathe. I keep crying out for my Love to pull me away from this awful place I do not want to be. I know he would not want me to be in so much agony. I do not know if he knows I'm in so much pain. MY faith seems buried right now. This is so hard to think of one step at a time when the Love of my life is not with me anymore. I too am really grateful that he is no longer in his own pain. Only I did not know if he had pain – there was only silence the last days. Mary, we indeed are kindred spirits when it comes to the awful disease of ALZ. I am with you on your 30th month of loss today. I found Marty's post from 21 June 2011 – 'How Do You Help Someone Who is Grieving? Posted by Maureen Hunter on her blog Esdeer: Stepping Through Grief.' I think I understand now why people stay away. I like Esdeer's 30 Days: 30 Ways e-mails. Today's e-mail is titled: "The Needs of Those Who Grieve". How appropriate! I am wondering if there are only a few of us on line who are on this first year journey of grieving the loss of a spouse. I think I know why I am so emotional these days. We had a beautiful Shamel Ash tree in our backyard. It was a favorite of Jim's. We planted it in 1999 when we had our home built. Once it matured it gave us much shade – a welcome relief in the AZ heat. This summer the tree died and so did my Jim. So the tears are pouring out not because of the tree but because of what the tree meant to both Jim and me. Is this what is meant by a 'trigger'? When the landscapers take it down this week I think I'll replace it with a weeping willow. Now isn't that silly? I'm 'crashing' over a tree! Anne

I received a PM today from a fellow griever and she suggested that I be more open about my feelings and pain with this group. I think we are all in the same dark hole crying out for the same attention. So we read something or share something and maybe someone responds with a touch of hope. For those of us who are so raw how do we even know what our feelings are – how do we know what to say about our pain? We hear that we should let the tears fall – don’t bottle up things that are inside – what do you do when you find yourself sitting still staring at a book that you thought you were reading – when the tears fall what is there to say but my heart is broken and I don’t know how I’m going to go on. How do you fix a broken heart? I know that I am not on this grief ride by myself. It has always been in my nature to nurture. When I hear that someone is in pain I am usually the one lending support, sharing my stories, offering an outstretched arm, giving encouragement. Over three decades as an educator I cried with my students, parents and fellow teachers. I never seemed to be without some words of encouragement. I have lost many who were dear to me over my almost seventy years but nothing has ever been so painful. I love my husband and don’t know what I’m going to do now that he is not here. I thought I knew about grief but I don’t. I ache, I hurt, and I have never felt this much pain. I cry, I’m sad, I’m pathetic. I don’t want this pain and I know, no one wants any pain - so here I am baring my soul to people I don’t even know. I am doing it because I feel safe. No one on this site is going to tell me to ‘get over it’. Why do people who you thought were you friends disappear? This is so painful that I don’t even know how to ask questions. All I can do is cry and hope someone, anyone hears me. Anne

It seems to me, Jan, that that is what the world expects of us - 'put a brave face on'. We read and listen to all the accolades but it just isn't there for some of us. Our spouses were our 'North, South, East, and West' as the poem states - and perhaps we will begin to see hope - just not now. I don't know if I'll ever 'survive' the loss of Jim. Anne

Yes, Mary. I remember the bowl. And I still really like the quote. Today I lit a candle remembering my Love's passing on May 25th. I reread your poem you wrote to Bill before he died. Memories sometime come back so clearly and painfully. Today was a more peaceful day for me. I put together a short thought titled Kaleidoscope of Grief. I'll post it later. Anne

Matt, Thank you for your talent. Anne

Ann When I read your second post about the 'confusion' you're experiencing over the tragic death of your brother by not being able to 'see' his body I don't think there's anything 'weird' about it. You experienced a very stressful event. You have a right to think that what happened is 'confusing'. I am so sorry for you right now. I offer you a listening ear. In my experience there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to think, feel, or respond to trauma. With your type of trauma you just may need some extra help to make it 'real'. I think the links Marty sent to you in your first post could be a starting point. As you pointed out that with the death of your father you "saw him going through the cancer and treatments, and I saw his body after he was dead, so that was hard too, but less confusing." I have found out that when we are on this site we don't have to make sense – most of the time I don't and we are not judged. I don't spell correctly, my sentences don't make sense sometimes, grammar goes out the window and most times I don't catch my own mistakes. I blame it on the 'grieving' process. Reading about this journey that we did not ask to be on does seem to help. Keep posting. We have many listening ears here. Anne

Thank you, Mary. I downloaded your letter to Bill and I'll respond after I read it. I love your poem - beautifully expressed - how very appropriate "the disease of 10,000 good-byes" We should know. I have no words to add just memories. Thank you for sharing. It helps me. Anne

My journal post on 9/24/2012 Tomorrow is the 4th month anniversary of your death my Love. The pain stabs at my heart. I miss you so – I cry and cry and ask why knowing that it really wouldn't matter even if I did have the answer so I'm just trying to accept – it's really not working for me yet – if only I could spend just a few minutes with you – there are so many things I need to know – are you all right – did you have pain that we were not aware of – did you know my heart was breaking those last weeks as I smiled every time I looked at you – you could not speak with words but did you know that I read your eyes and I knew that they were telling me that you loved me – I told myself that you were ready to give up this fight of Alzheimer's disease that we struggled with together for five years – did you hear me tell you that it was ok to go – there was a calm in our room as you slipped away – thank you for letting me be with you - I felt so privileged to bathe you for the last time – did you feel my hand on your face – did you feel my kiss – my arms around you for the last time – I knew you were gone – I felt such a pain – and then there was peace – I don't know where that came from – My love, this grief is something I would not want you to go through – I am on such a painful journey - I feel so alone – I know there are people who are on this same journey – people who have been where I am right now – I don't look forward to this journey but I know I have to take it - family and friends stay away – It doesn't matter - I will survive this because this is what you would want for me – I am not the same – but I hope I will come out of this as someone you knew during our forty years of marriage. I love you. Fred, our grand-dog beagle for those who don't know, is here with me for a week. The kids went up to Washington State and then into Canada for a short holiday. I know that Fred is missing you. Were you aware that he climbed right up in the bed when he came over to visit those last few days? He's staying close to me and moves from room to room with me. This gives me comfort. Once again, I'll go to bed tonight and hug the pillow tight knowing that you have your arms around me. Tomorrow is another day. Your Anne