enna

Thank you, Kay - I'm glad you watched all the videos. I think I mentioned to you that my last few hours with my Jim was spent in listening to 'Symphony in White'. He was not able to talk and I think had little vision but his eyes told me that he was listening. And during those moments I was not sad I just felt that it was a very sacred time. Anne

This is one of my favorite sites. I found Marty's 'Comfort for Grieving Hearts" before I joined this online site. Here is one quote that I'm meditating on: it is by Barbara Bloom - "When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. . ."

and Mary I thought I was the only one who new Dag Hammarskjold!

Enna,

That you would find something uniquely special for us really touched me, I know it took a great deal of time and thought. The kaleidoscope reminds me of our grief journey, ever changing form.

Hugs,

Kay

Your journey has touched me and so that's why the kaleidoscope. Don't forget to keep us posted on your mom. Anne

Anne, my dear, I thank you for the lovely gifts of music that you've presented to us ♥

It fits with an article that I read just this morning: Why Music, Part 1: The Essential Ingredient

Thank you, Marty, for the link to Frank Fitzpatrick's blog: 'Why Music, Part 1: The Essential Ingredient'. I really can relate to Fitzpatrick's quote below.

" When I look at what has helped me survive and bring me into balance through the most challenging times of my life, music has often been at the heart of it – both as a place to turn to and as a source that has been cultivated inside me helping me to express myself as well as re-imagine and re-invent my world, inside and out."

I've always believed that there is value in music therapy. Stroke victims learn how to speak by singing words. Dementia patients can sing songs (verse by verse) and yet can't carry on a conversation because of some loss of cognitive ability. Using music with students who are autistic has helped to calm them while in the classroom. Any patient with a serious health problem usually finds music soothing so helps to boost their immune systems.

To me, music is the ultimate stress buster – it can lower blood pressure – it wards off disease – and it does soothe the pain someone is in due to a loss of a loved one whether human or animal.

I shall be following his blog. I'm glad you appreciated my gift of music to all on this site. Anne

A quote from a member who posted in 2/2004 kiakaha44 from this site.
The message just seems to be for me:

" courage doesn't always roar. courage is sometimes the quiet voice at the end of the day that says: I'll try again tomorrow."

My Mantra Room –
For all of you who are on this grief journey with me – thank you – my Jim listened to a powerpoint that we had up on the TV and just by looking into his eyes I knew he was enjoying it. A version below is on youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZBZi0haRnU
Click on some of the other links that come on after 'A Symphony in White. '
My love to all of you and to those who I don’t even know - Anne

Yes Anne. That is heartfelt and so much how I feel. Jan

Thank you. Anne

That is what this site is for. We have all been there. We have taken and taken, and later, much later, we are able to give back.

There is little that is positive about grief. But I do think it teaches not only how precious life is, but also we learn deep compassion for the pain and heartbreak of others. There is no need to feel guilty about asking for support, it is actually a comfort to me to offer support to others. I feel I am honoring my husband, my father, my brother, who have all passed, by offering what comfort and support I can to others who have also lost their dear ones.

No need to apologise, we understand. Up and down times, difficulty in concentrating, not being able to retain information, is normal in grief. Eventually, it does get better, even though you may not be able to imagine that now. It really does. You never forget, but you adjust to your changed life. Your life changes, you change, and you build a new normal over time. It's not what we want to do, but it is what we have to do. And we are here on this site to listen when you need us.

Thank you so much for your kind words. Anne

NATS,

Thank you for your kind words. I really like the quote.

Responding to NATS post to me:

My heart is racing – I feel like I'm loosing who I think I'm suppose to be – One day I'm up and the next day I'm down – One day I think I'll begin a few positive rituals and then I feel like disappearing into my self again.

I want to start moving into the 'grief tunnel' but I'm afraid to take too many steps in knowing that all I will be able to do is move through it – My mind and heart are battling and I don't know how to bring them closer together. I want to face the awful truth that Jim is not here physically anymore but if I do then I'll have to let my heart feel the pain. I feel like the cowardly lion in 'The Wizard of OZ' standing in front of my support group without any courage.

I have started to read about grief. I don't retain it. I have tried to express my feelings on our grief support web site. I listen to music and let the tears fall. I feel like I don't have anything to say to others that would comfort them. All I seem to be doing is taking right now – I am confused by this – this is not like me – this is not who I am. Mary (mfh) said to stay connected to the people on the site but it seems like all I'm doing is taking, taking, taking – looking for something and I don't know what it is. Marty says that the people on this site will 'hold the courage for me' until I'm ready. Right now I do not feel like I'm ready. Anne

Dear Crazy,

Rambling or not this is where we all are. I am too new to this grief stuff (almost four months) but what I do know is there are people on this site that share raw feelings and give me much to think about. I love your idea of the fresh flowers. My Jim, when he was still able, did the same thing for me. If you can find them - read some of the earlier postings from Kay and Mary. There will always be those moments of being scared. For me right now I'm still too afraid to keep walking through the 'tunnel'. I keep stopping, afraid that the reality of his not coming back will strike me when I'm out in public! Anne

Dear friends

The funeral director brought me Pete's ashes yesterday. I was inspired this morning to add to his poem on our dressing table. I haven't changed anything. It just came out easily. I am quite happy with it (well happy isn't the word but you know ...)

Here it is:-

Hello Jan,

Inspiring dear girl. Something I can meditate on. You were so in my thoughts yesterday. More words later. Anne

Reflections on the Death of the Love of my Life

Sorrow suddenly stabs with its bluntness

To die seems better.

Where are you and why did you have to go so soon?

Was I not caring for you enough?

Did I not hear your cries?

I thought we were so connected to each other

that no one could understand

the love we shared.

Where are you now?

I don't see you.

I thought I'd always be by your side.

I am numb.

I am different.

I cry, I scream, I only want you back.

Where are you, my Love?

Your Love - Anne

Mary,

I am with you. I still think that it is a privilege for us to be so close to someone who is ready to pass into another dimension. You are a caring person and Bill would be so proud of how far you have come in your grief journey. Enna

Hi Jan,

Sorry I am just getting to your response. You should not feel 'guilty' about anything right now. Your elderly friend must truyly be a friend for not expecting anything from you at this time - I think you need to take words like guilty and selfish out of your vocabulary. Thank you for responding to my question about 'lack of touch'. I know that there are some married people who did not have the most perfect marriage; but, I can't say that about ours. Jim was such a gentle person throughout our forty years that I too don't think I appreciated all the love he had for me.

Tears are tears and crying is crying - no one can tell us how much or how little we should be doing. Again, Jan, it's that word 'guilty'.

I hope you were able to get some of the chores accomplished when your friend came to help.

I, too, am learning from those who are further along in this grief journey. I have to keep in mind that this is a 'process' and it's not going to ever be the same. Different could be ok! enna

Dear Babylady,

Today seems to be a very difficult day for you. Crying is so exhausting - yet healing. I am so sorry you are having so much pain. There have been those days for me also. As you know my Jim died almost four short months ago. I let the tears come. I don't think that all this crying will keep us from moving forward in our grief journey. I distract myself after a while by cleaning out a few kitchen cabinets, or cleaning up the files on my computer, or just walking out on the patio and practicing deep breathing - screaming works also. You seem to have many issues going on that I hope you will be able to discuss with your doctors. We need to be in good health to be able to tend to this grieving process. I am listening to your pain so you are never alone. There are many grief support groups on line to help us. Remember - "I will survive." enna

Dear Random,

I am so very sorry you have this pain now. I wish there were words to comfort you. You have come to the right place for there are many people who have experienced the loss of a father. Pictures can leave us with mixed images and I'm so sorry that your vivid memory is such a painful one. Believe me, you will find the courage you need to move through this grief of yours. There are people who can guide you through this grief journey. It seems like you have begun by finding this site. Know that there are many here who have learned the art of listening. enna

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Hello, Arlene,

I think tears help in our stress level and most times they always come when we don't want them to come but they do make us feel better - you are too early in your grief journey to be surprised that it hurts more now than it did a few months ago. You are probably coming out of the shock stage. I am so sorry that you are having health problems - the last thing you need to do is loose weight! I know we don't live close but you can e-mail me. Accept me as a friend on this web site and we can keep in touch through e-mail. Anne

My friend called today (with help) and said, "Mary, I want you to come tomorrow and yes, I want to talk with you about my dying and death. I am honored. Another friend said that she will probably not make it through the week but one never knows. I will see her at 11am tomorrow. She has not talked about her death to anyone so I hope I can help by listening and asking the right gentle questions.

Mary

Mary,

I know that you say that you are 'honored' to be with a dear friend at this time. I have been down that path. Where does your strength come form? Your insight is beyond words that I can express. Thank you for caring for those of us who are only at the beginning of our grief journey. I am so trying to be brave and face this head on. With all my loses I can't believe that I am having such a difficult time. I loved my Jim with my whole being and I really don't want to accept the fact that he is not with me in the way I want him to be. You are in my thoughts. I have no doubt that you will find the right words to comfort your dear friend. enna

Hello Natasha,

I am so sorry for your loss - you are in the right place - the people here are so connected to one another - it is too early for you to accept this terrible pain. Later, you will take the path that many of us have had to take - our own grief journey. It has been said that the dying make their own choice as to when they want to pass. Some want others to be around them - others want to spare you the pain so they go on their terms. How wonderful that you were able to tell your mother that you'd 'see her in an hour and that you loved her'.

You will experience many things now - life for you will always be different. Hopefully, this whole experience will not always 'suck'. You will cry, laugh, feel numb, and feel like you are in a fog for however long it takes. This is your journey, but you are not alone. Visit this web site and find the strength that I have. I lost the love of my life on May 25, 2012 after forty years of a marriage that had its ups and downs - he was my friend, lover, confidant, husband and true soul mate. I do not know what I'd do if I had not found this web site. Know we are with you. enna

AnnC,

It does not surprise me that you had the type of dream you did. I think that it's nature's way of protecting us from such pain until we are ready to process what has happened. When my sister passed I found myself not being able to comprehend that she was gone. I even called her weeks after forgetting she was really dead. I do think we place ourselves inside a bubble and look at events from the inside - seeing what we want to see - your world was destroyed before you had time to even say good-by. One thing I found to be helpful to me was to fix some of my sister's favorite recipes - she was a good cook. I'd even spend time talking to her while preparing her apple Bettie recipe or her home made baked breads. When the time is right you will find your own way of remembering your brother. enna

Your post, Marty, will be good to hold for the future. How fortunate to have modern technology. Right now the present is so painful that it blinds us to what will be. I am beginning to understand that this is a journey I will survive. Through the posts of others I think we will be able to take the bits and pieces of others and draw from their strengths and struggles. I know this has been true for me. I hope that my story will go from telling what has happened to what I'll find myself doing in the future. I hope I can learn from Mary's journey that it would be good to take this pain and do something positive with it. Jan, you are a treasure and I hope that we will see ourselves in a different place as we go through this first year without our loved one.

I have a question that I'm almost too afraid to ask but here goes. Has anyone struggled with the lack of touch from their loved one? I find myself hugging his pillow so tightly that when I wake my hands are numb. enna

Hi Arlene,

How are you doing today. I am thinking of you. Have you thought of a live-in companion? The Medic Alert button is really good. I bought one for my Jim when he was still moving around. It didn't make me so afraid of leaving him when I had to go out and he didn't want anyone coming in to sit with him. Are your physical ailments under control? How do you get around? Remember, we are connected as friends. E-mail me on the friends site and I will look in on you from AZ. enna

Dear Jan,

They say crying is good. The answer is right in our hearts, dear friend.

Books, poetry, music, and sharing with friends will guide us to move in a different way but they don't have the answers. Some actions that are helping me during this journey are: I'm writing letters to Jim talking with him as I did when he was here. I am learning how to play the piano. Remember me, the one who can't carry a tune but will belt out a song if I like it. I have made a list of 20 things that I miss about my love. I can't seem to put together things I don't miss about Jim yet. I'm sure that there will be some things I can list later on during this journey. I've made a list of goals that I'm trying to follow – things like: calling a friend and going out to lunch, cleaning up the files on my computer, listening to my music on iTunes – sort of a meditation time for me, finding that one 'positive' daily that one of our friends here on this web site suggested we do, when I start feeling sorry for myself I let it happen for awhile but then I get up and go out in the yard and just look around.

There is a quote that Mary has at the bottom of her posts that I have found to be very uplifting. I'm sure you have seem it:

'To the extent that I was able to translate the emotions into images – that is to say, to find the images that were concealed in the emotions, I was inwardly calmed and reassured" – Carl Jung enna

Good morning Mary,

Once again thank you for being that spark of encouragement I so need at this time. Some days it's hard to get that 'one foot in front of the other' as Marty suggested. I never really thought about it until now but this is the most painful loss my life. I have lost my parents, a brother, two sisters, my best friend, and others during my lifetime and I seemed to be the strong one, always giving comfort to those around me but now with the loss of my love I am falling apart. I should feel guilty about this but I don't After all, my parents brought me into this world, brothers and sisters are blood relatives, but my Jim was my all for forty years. enna

Dear AnnC,

I am so sorry for your sorrow at this time. The loss of your younger brother to this tragic car accident must be so difficult to comprehend. How are you doing? This is 'trauma' time for you - you need time to process this loss - you may be feeling that nothing makes sense, you didn't get to say good-by. I lost my brother and my sister to sudden deaths. My sister's death was the hardest for me because she was fine one day and three days later she died of small cell carcinoma in the lungs. No one knew she had it. I found myself a little jealous at times because many people thought that it's the parents who should get the attention and we kids are forgotten. I don't know if this happens often but if it happens to you be strong and know that you are just as important during this grieving time as anyone.

Later you may find comfort in reading. There is a book by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn titled: The Empty Room: Understanding Sibling Loss you may find helpful. Another book: Coping With Sudden Loss by Terese Rando, Ph.d has some good ideas that might help you.

Also, the web site www.griefspeaks.com/id46.html might be of some help to you. There are many more suggestions to help you sort out your thoughts. By coming back to this web site I know that you will find a place to be heard. There are many compassionate people who can speak to you and listen. I will be watching your posts so don't stop sharing. enna