enna

Dear Jan, They say crying is good. The answer is right in our hearts, dear friend. Books, poetry, music, and sharing with friends will guide us to move in a different way but they don't have the answers. Some actions that are helping me during this journey are: I'm writing letters to Jim talking with him as I did when he was here. I am learning how to play the piano. Remember me, the one who can't carry a tune but will belt out a song if I like it. I have made a list of 20 things that I miss about my love. I can't seem to put together things I don't miss about Jim yet. I'm sure that there will be some things I can list later on during this journey. I've made a list of goals that I'm trying to follow – things like: calling a friend and going out to lunch, cleaning up the files on my computer, listening to my music on iTunes – sort of a meditation time for me, finding that one 'positive' daily that one of our friends here on this web site suggested we do, when I start feeling sorry for myself I let it happen for awhile but then I get up and go out in the yard and just look around. There is a quote that Mary has at the bottom of her posts that I have found to be very uplifting. I'm sure you have seem it: 'To the extent that I was able to translate the emotions into images – that is to say, to find the images that were concealed in the emotions, I was inwardly calmed and reassured" – Carl Jung enna

Good morning Mary, Once again thank you for being that spark of encouragement I so need at this time. Some days it's hard to get that 'one foot in front of the other' as Marty suggested. I never really thought about it until now but this is the most painful loss my life. I have lost my parents, a brother, two sisters, my best friend, and others during my lifetime and I seemed to be the strong one, always giving comfort to those around me but now with the loss of my love I am falling apart. I should feel guilty about this but I don't After all, my parents brought me into this world, brothers and sisters are blood relatives, but my Jim was my all for forty years. enna

Dear AnnC, I am so sorry for your sorrow at this time. The loss of your younger brother to this tragic car accident must be so difficult to comprehend. How are you doing? This is 'trauma' time for you - you need time to process this loss - you may be feeling that nothing makes sense, you didn't get to say good-by. I lost my brother and my sister to sudden deaths. My sister's death was the hardest for me because she was fine one day and three days later she died of small cell carcinoma in the lungs. No one knew she had it. I found myself a little jealous at times because many people thought that it's the parents who should get the attention and we kids are forgotten. I don't know if this happens often but if it happens to you be strong and know that you are just as important during this grieving time as anyone. Later you may find comfort in reading. There is a book by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn titled: The Empty Room: Understanding Sibling Loss you may find helpful. Another book: Coping With Sudden Loss by Terese Rando, Ph.d has some good ideas that might help you. Also, the web site www.griefspeaks.com/id46.html might be of some help to you. There are many more suggestions to help you sort out your thoughts. By coming back to this web site I know that you will find a place to be heard. There are many compassionate people who can speak to you and listen. I will be watching your posts so don't stop sharing. enna

Dear Kay, Sometimes you come across something that just has to be shared. I guess this is my way of letting you know that you are not walking alone during your ache. enna You’ll Never Walk Alone R. Rogers/O. Hammerstein 11 When you walk through a storm Hold your head up high And don't be afraid of the dark At the end of the storm Is a golden sky And the sweet silver song of the lark Walk on through the wind Walk on through the rain Though your dreams be tossed and blown Walk on walk on with hope in your heart And you'll never walk alone You'll never walk alone When you walk through a storm Hold your head up high And don't be afraid of the dark At the end of the storm Is a golden sky And the sweet silver song of the lark Walk on through the wind Walk on through the rain Though your dreams be tossed and blown Walk on walk on with hope in your heart And you'll never walk alone You'll never walk You'll never walk You'll never walk alone.

Kay, Your responses are always so comforting - you are a very caring person and I am glad I'm on this site. I feel privileged to be taking part in this group. Mary, I really like your idea of 'integrating' our pain and how you remind me that it's 'one day at a time' - kind of like Marty's advice -'putting one foot in front of the other, one moment, one hour, one day at a time.' Thank you for being here for a 'new' griever as I reach out for that courage so many of you already have. Marty, Once again your insight has been a life line for me during this grief journey. Thank you for the encouragement and gently reminding me that I can learn to 'live with and manage' my ache. Jan, Are you or have you taken the online class - 'The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey' by our Marty T.? I am and I chose to receive the e-mails twice a month. I feel the class will give me some ideas to cope with this intense ache. It is also available in book form. I am reading your posts because of how close our losses are. Be well and keep posting. Today is a new day. enna

To those who have lost a spouse and others who are listening, Today I’m so sad. This sadness stabs at me and my heart aches. I miss the love of my life and I want him back and I know that that won’t happen. What I don’t know is will this deep ache ease after awhile? It has only been a little over three months. I am trying to read about grief, listen to music, read poetry, read about what others are going through but the ache is almost unbearable. I don’t want my husband to be dead. He knows that I would have continued to care for him for however long. Why does it have to hurt so much? Some days I feel good and at peace and days like today I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. How does one get the courage to walk alone after so many years walking with your soul mate? enna

Dear Nathan's_sister, I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. My sister passed not too long ago of small cell carcinoma in the lungs. Like your Dad she entered the hospital with pneumonia and in three days she was gone. Very surprised about the docs advice to tell your sister not to grieve for six months - we are a strong lot and and I really don't know how someone can tell another person NOT to grieve for six months! Are the twins ok? It sounds to me that you have been a great help to your sister. I truly believe that your Dad is guiding you - now, he may be nudging you to take time to grieve. It is something that can not be put off because if you do I think there is something called complicated grief and that is what happens when someone pushes their feelings way in the background and does not take care of the business of grieving. This is only my opinion but you are in the right place by finding this web site. Many people understand your pain better than I do. Take time to grieve. enna

You have my deepest sympathy. "Grief is like the ocean , it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." This quote is by: Vicki Harrison and it reminded me of all the pain we will go through during our life times. I am so sorry that you are suffering the loss of your Quivers on top of so many other pains. We are here for you. enna

Jan, You are in my thoughts. We have to take care of ourselves. That is part of the progression of our journey. I'm so sorry that you are having some physical signs. In my opinion, mind and body are one and we need to care for both. Thank you for all you share it helps for the rest of us to be on the look out. enna

Thank you for the information, Mary. I am only now starting to read about grief and bereavement - something I haven't been able to do until now Lou LaGrand has been a big help for me. Olaf Olafsson's book Walking Into the Night is also quite enlightening. enna

Wow! A song I found while looking for something else. Marty posted this on Nov. 1, 2007 under the post After-death Communication. I think the song can apply to all who have lost a dear one. http://www.spiritlyric.com/song.html Hope we can hear this. enna

Korki, I am so sorry for your loss. You are at the right place for there are people here who can relate. Each one of us walk this path in their own way. I have found poetry to be a comfort to me. It will get better only different. You are in my thoughts and prayers. enna

Kay, Sometimes there just aren't words - you are indeed a woman of strength. I want this poem and attachment to be my words to let you know that you are in the right place when you share with those of us who have chosen this forum. enna A Women of Strength A woman of strength, Has courage to face the day, And the confidence, To handle whatever comes her way. A woman of strength, Has so much love to give, And more compassion, It gives her a reason to live. A woman of strength, Can face trouble with more hope, Face adversity, Always finding the strength to cope. A woman of strength, Can take the bad with the good, And learn from it all, With a sense of pride that’s understood. A woman of strength, Can conduct herself with grace, Hold her head up high, And dignity always has its place. A woman of strength, Can face almost anything, And can look forward, To what the future will possibly bring… {©2008 Jan Brooks}

Thank you, Harry for sharing your anniversary post with us. I lost my husband of forty years to ALZ disease 3 months ago this month and I want to thank you for your post: Looking for the positives. This site has helped me to wake up each morning with the thought that before the day is over I'll focus on just one positive. I don't know if that will happen each day but it's a good way to get through this fog. You are in our thoughts as you make it through another anniversary. enna

Jan, I hear you. Take care of yourself and know that this is a place that we can come to and connect with others who are all grieving at different levels. It is good to draw strength from others. enna

Dear Kristen, Thank you for the beautiful poem. A part of the healing process is to let those emotions flow. You are in the right place right now. This group is such a comfort. Know that we do listen. enna

It's morning and I had time to think about what Kay and Mary said about things they have done on their own. I tried to send my thoughts as an attachment but it said there was an error so I have to put this in this message. Your courage is giving me some hope that in time things will be less painful. enna Tackling the Concrete Wall My thoughts on going on without my Love: … if you’re faced with a concrete wall and you want to get to the other side, you’ve got a few choices. You can either blast through it, walk around it, dig under it, climb over it…or act as if it doesn’t exist and walk right through it. “ I think we all have more potential than we realize and our lives have more possibilities than we can fathom. Those of you that have shared your concrete walls and how you got to the other side, thank you. I’m still standing on the other side of the concrete wall wondering if I’ll be strong enough to make it to the other side. Some of my thoughts at this time are: If I can give birth I can get through this . . . I don’t know why I thought of that! ☺ If I can cry and vent then I’ll be able to take the lead and make solutions instead of dwelling on the problem. “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” I don’t know why that came into my mind! Perhaps it’s the journey of putting one foot in front of the other to get to where we need to go. My first call was to our Hospice Nurse to tell her that my Jim is not breathing and it’s really not just sleep apnea. Family was notified. My Jim was donating his body to science so I had to call Science Care. My Hospice of the Valley Team was with me throughout the morning guiding me through the fog. Later came memorial plans, contacts with SS, VA, Insurances, utilities, etc., etc, etc. Each day there seemed to be more to do. When will the paper work stop? I guess I was lucky in one way because I had been doing so many of the things we always shared together for several years. Some things I resisted were the small things like putting gas in the car. I had convinced myself that taking care of the cars was Jim’s job and I really didn’t want to do it. I finally gave in and began to do it without the bad attitude I had. I am encouraged to hear from Mary and Kay that as time passes I will be able to do some of the things they are doing. I change filters now. I call the landscaper and tell him what needs to be done. I go out to lunch with the girls. I try to be kinder. I signed up for Marty’s e-mail class on getting through the first year of grief. I am hoping to get to a place where I can carry Jim along with me as I go through this journey alone. enna

I'm here, but I need time to digest your thoughts. This is a good question. One thing I can say right now is that I do think I am strong even though I don't feel strong right now. I'll put something together but I do want to say that I am impressed with your courage. enna

Marty, Good article. Difficult for me to focus on it's content. I did order some books and will try to read them. I think I've been shying away from the permanent element of this loss. I've been finding myself getting angry at someone that I have loved for forty years. Emotions are all over the place right now. I liked the idea of setting a reachable goal and making a plan. enna

Mary, Thank you for sharing. We are all such unique people. I'm glad you'll have more time to post. It's strange that when we open our hearts to what others have to say we some how gain new insights into our own grief. enna

My dear new friends - today I went out and purchased a Casio piano with keys that light up. "Why?" you say. Well, my granddaughter who just started first grade has been taking lessons for two years now and mommy sent me a video of her little 'concert'. So I got to thinking this could be a way to connect more and perhaps I'd keep myself from moving into a very dark place. I am missing my Jim so much that I really don't want to think that his absence is permanent. I know I'm in the 'trauma' or grief stage since tomorrow it will only be 3 months. He loved music and knew I couldn't carry a tune even though I tried. I think he must be smiling right now. Let's remember dear friends that natural sadness is normal. Our grief is a reaction to a loss. enna

I am so glad that I am not the only one who is operating in denial. One thing that I am holding on to is that we are not on a time clock. Each of us will take the steps we are ready for when we are ready. I am still under three months since my Jim passed and I know I keep a protected shield around me and that is ok. enna