WantMyHEA

So interesting I never got a response from blujonny. If you are truly hear to grieve and not just to spy, I wish you all the best.

Thank you pastmidnite.

Thank you Marty for the encouraging words. I will pursue grief counseling at some point. I'm sure it is extremely helpful. But like I noted, anytime I get news from my former employer or have to recall all of what they did (and are possibly still doing if they are monitoring my home computer), then it doesn't make me feel safe in the world but how can one protect themselves from a deceitful person. So when I had to deal with recounting it all, it took me back to that place, like PTSD. I hate it. But this happened for a reason and I am a Christian and I believe all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord...so, I will have to wait and see how all this unfolds. But that was a bad day for me with having to deal with that. I have faith that as long as I do my part, no matter how deceitful they may try to be, the truth will prevail. But yes to grief counseling. The "they" I'm referring to is my former employer who would like nothing more that to say, "see we didn't do anything to her, she is just grieving her parents and is depressed because of that" ere go..."see your honor, she's crazy...cause now she's in grief counseling too". Now, I know that may not be logical but it doesn't stop my mind from going into a tailspin. Bad things happen, it doesn't mean we stop living. After my parents passed, I learned how to keep living. It is only because of how I feel at this moment that I feel triggered to address it. Whichever way, addressing it is to my benefit, so I don't really care what others think friend wise because most all my friends and acquiatances would understand, it's just my former employer.

Hi blujonny - I noticed you just joined the forum late June....so welcome. I must say, I'm not exactly sure about what you mean by your comment. At which point in any of what I said would you deem as me 'running away' vs. having to 'face it'? Where did you pull that from? Let me just add, sometimes the world is a cruel place. Like my former employer, illegally accessing my computer or monitoring me online...today is a good day in general but a bad day when I have that on my mind. Not sure how the court would deal with something like that but it will be dealt with, because that's illegal. So in as much as losing one's parents is hard, nothing is harder than dealing with evil people. It has made me highly paranoid. For example, when I saw your comment and noted you just joined and your name has Jon in it, like my former employer's 1st name Jon, I began to think "have they been monitoring my home computer and phone to figure out what I'm doing?" And can the Hospice Valley administrators check on that? Imagine if that were the case...how cruel would that be? Joining a forum, where people are trying to heal, just so you can spy. I heard they did that to a former coworker and she had to changed her number and gave them back the laptop they gifted her after she left and she threatened to call the police if they ever gave her new info to the Jon person. Yup, pure evil. That's why I had to leave. But I could be reading too much into it (benefit of the doubt) - so it would make it all easier for me if you wouldn't mind explaining how you deemed what I wrote as 'running away' vs. having to 'face it'? Where did you pull that from?

Today, I am sad. This past weekend, I was happy. I spent it at the beach with my bestie as I needed some cheering up in general. Why? I'm unemployed and going through a case with my former employer where I was harrassed. That's depressing enough. That whole experience of working in a hostile work environment. Then now there's legal stuff that I am afraid to face. Reporting them was the only way to get them to let up on the hostility. Unfortunately, it eventually made it worse. I ended up leaving the environment. I've got 2 degrees, a bachelor's and masters but they treated me like I was nothing more than an uneducated receiptionist, indirectly demoted me after I complained and continued with more hostility. It's a lot. Then my boyfriend was cheating and started to be mean. And backstabbing friends...as I get older I find most 30-somethings just want to know what you do and how you can increase their popularity. Or at least in my city. I have my 2-3 sincere friends and family members. I feel this is good enough. On top of that, I'm an adult orphan. Lost my last parent my final semester of college. My 1st at 15. While I've thrived a lot despite this setback in my life and career. I get the feeling that the above, plus being in my 30s and feeling that clock ticking has become all too much. I mean, I was able to deal with the my parents until this work situation....it just seems I've lost all hope for humanity and the goodness of people. Like everyone is just pretending. None the less, I know that's not logically true but when i get depressed i just wonder if i can tolerate encountering human beings like that again after giving so much of my time and effort day in and day out, week in and week out and all for what? Nothing? I'm seeing a doctor - therapist, psychiatrist and they have me on medical foods, as I refused to take pharmaeceutical meds like celexa or prozac. The medical foods are working out well - especially for the joint pain and anxiety associated with the depression/anxiety. But the depression, feeling sad, feeling anxious/keyed up, passive suicidal (as in why can't an armed robber just come and end it all for me) - today it's overwhelming me. I have to update what has happened since my last report on the case and turn it into my attorney this week. They know what they did and so do I but people lie and I'm sure they will lie to weasel out of it. And it's just little ole me against them and their deceit. I don't feel like facing this but I can't run from it. I wish I just had a job that was a good healthy environment or that I never took that job in the 1st place. But I can't go back in time. On most days, I have great faith that God will prevail in my favor. And that the truth will come to light. But today, on some days, I'm just terrified. And that fear triggers everything else. Like: Will I ever get a job? Will I be happy with my new job? Can I please get a new job that is not mind-numbing? Can I please have a great boss/mentor? Will I lose weight? Will this facial hair ever go away/ How and when am I going to stop complaining about my weight and do something consistent about it? I'm so tired of being sad when I'm not with a loved one. When it's just me. I wish I had a family. Or the career I love. I know I'm not alone in this thinking. And I am also aware that things could be worse. I mean, I'm not homeless or starving, despite the fact that I live on my own and have been for about 26 years. You think I'd be used to being alone by now. But I'm not. I want some support. I want a family. People who will call me consistently because they love me and care. Not because they want to make sure I don't kill myself. Or because they want to brag. Or because they think being sad is just all in my head since they get sad too. I try to explain that being an adult orphan is different. I have only one friend who gets it. She has 2 kids and lost her husband - her best friend. And she said when she did, even though her mom is a crack addict, and her relationship with her dad isn't great, for the 1st time, she glimpsed what it must be like to feel what I'm feeling. And out of nowhere she said she was so sorry I have to go through that. She gets that having her loss but having her kids, makes the situation so different. Now others might say this in a "oh, gee I'm so lucky" kinda way but I knew she was being for real and she really understood what I have to deal with. Somedays, I'm okay with being the lone bohemian, but on days like today when I have to face something so hard as to recount what those people did to me at my former job, not knowing if the court will rule for or against me. Not knowing if the truth will prevail or if God/Universe will come to my aid, not knowing if I will get a job despite my many many applications. I just get terried and want to give up. What is the point of not ending it now? Nothing has gotten consistently better. I strive and strive and climb and climb and just when I think I'm at the top and on stable ground, I get the rug pulled out from underneath me. With my mom's sudden death, then my dad, then my ex-husband the kind deacon who became abusive, then my job, now my ex-boyfriend cheating the entire time (We were friends for 20 years before I agreed to date him...we then lived together and were trying to have a baby) and he cheats and starts acting like I mean nothing to him when I find out. And now this case with my former job is looming. Most times I'm confident but today, I don't feel like recounting and being the victim and bringing back all the anxiety. I want my mommy. But she's not here. No one really is just for me. Everyone has their own life to deal with. I'm tired. I want some help. I want to be able to lean on someone. I can't do this by myself. All the time just me. I know how people like me end up in the movies. We never make it. I used to not think of myself that way but now I sometimes feel I can see it. So I ask, what is the point? I know I posted before I was going to grief counseling. But I'm afraid if I go, it will just make me look worse. So I never called. The social stigma of being called crazy when I never needed it before until this stupid former job upset me. It makes me so angry. I'm just tired.

Hi Bec123 - I'm 36. First let me just say, because of your story, I am finally seeking grief counseling for the loss of my parents after 23 years. There is nothing worse than being a young adult with no guidance on how to navigate this world and all that it comes with. I wish there were more specific groups for us. Were orphans but were not orphans. Secondly, I am terribly sorry for your loss - I really am, I don't have to imagine it. Please go for the counseling. Find a support group. Your family and friends may not know how to deal. I know what it is like in the worst way. I can relate to just about everything you wrote. Feeling abandoned by family...sometimes actually "being" abandoned by family. Being sensitive to people's comments....sometimes, people actually making dumb flippant comments because they don't know how to deal and they just don't feel like being around the sadness. You are 100% not alone. I lost my mom at 15 to cancer and I didn't get to spend much time with her before she passed as I was semi-kidnapped by my dad to another country, but I lived with her until I was 12 and she was wonderful!! My dad and I, needless to say had an acrimoniuous relationship. He died my graduating semester of college, just as I had planned to move back in with him to make him love me. I got a very cold call from his cousin while I was at my part-time job asking me to come to the hospital to identify the body. And that was it. So no parents at my graduation. My mom's family who always disliked my dad and who couldn't wait to do whatever they could for my brother and I to highlight how neglectful my dad was abandoned us. They sent a "family representative" to the funeral, the aunt I was closest to and specifically noted that she was there to represent my mom's family for "emotional" support. Again with being very specific. She apologized for this - how they abandoned us 2 years later but they were never that close to me again. I just recently had an uncle tell me how my dad "ruined our whole lives" like 1 year ago. The foreign community abroad we belonged to in the States didn't like us much because my mother was American and we were half American. We were different. During that last semester, I hit the ground running - I had to work, study, be president of a society, look for a job, find a place to live, find an attorney - who to cut cost, had me do a lot of things myself, (I made too much to qualify for most Charities), settle the entire "estate", clear out the infested house, my only sibling went AWOL from the military after the funeral, so there's the Military police hounding me, deal with the foreign community who saw me as a head strong disrespectful American-"B"!t@h...cater to my half siblings I knew about and new ones I learned about during the funeral. Everyone wanted to know about the house - feeling entitled...many didn't know my mom bought it, not my dad...he also squandered the 6-figure amount of money she left aside for our college tuition - me and my one full sibling. At the end of the whole ordeal, my brother was addicted to weed (and still is), we each got a check for about $2300 (financial legacy) and I was 50lbs over weight. It took 2.7years for everything legal to be over. No one knew how to deal - so most just either scuttled away or tried to act like all was normal and hope I'd marry some rich prince who'd solve all the problems. That didn't happen. What did? A great job. LOOOTS of casual sex - my own drug of choice, Food - lots of that too, A bad relationship with an abusive man...we parted as okay friends. A bad marriage to someone abusive, who like my dad was emotionally unavailable unless I did all the work. Eventually 60lbs more...yes, since I came back to the US, I added 130lbs. I've lost 50...I'll settle for another 60 off. I sucked it up and sucked it up and sucked it up...but I countered with the sex and food. Everyone kept saying how strong I was and I hated it...they didn't know how I dealt then. My promiscuity reputation is catching up with me now...I would ball at the sound of a hallmark commercial but on the outside, I looked all put together. There were moments when I was happy - newly married, till things went sour and career triumphs I was extremely proud of. But here I am now at 36 and because of a negative work environment, it looks like Pandora's box is unloading. Panic attacks, depression, joint pain, passive suicidal thoughts...my peers are where they should be -married, kids, careers and I'm lagging behind in my 20s mentally, still trying to "make it" but never able to really just get that leg up. Just broke up with my boyfriend who turned out to be emotionally abusive - capitalizing on the fact that someone older and overweight like me, shouldn't be so picky and independent. I've been on my own since 19 - dad asked me to move out, since I was soo independent. I wanted to be loved because no one I thought, really loved me. And I have been morbidly afraid of being alone, only to always end up alone. And now add a biological clock to swirl in and you get desperate. Well, ENOUGH! I have decided, if I am going to die alone, I am going to die happy. Screw the clock. I can still have a baby at 42. I am ready to do it right this time. That means being real. I'm ready for that now. So my Dear Bec123 - you may not see it but because without knowing the details of your life, I felt your story mirrored mine, I'm going for grief counseling for the 1st time in 23 years. Why, because I'm tired and I want to live again. Now - I gave you all that info, not so you could read me whining but I want you to avoid the mistakes I made, you've got a good 4 years under me. Go for the grief counseling, for as long as you need to. Don't make my mistake of trying to pretend like everything is fine. It's not fine and it is fine and it will be fine but your life is your life and you have to cater to it accordingly and not like everyone elses. 14-23 years later, One situation happened to me and it was my tipping point, Now, I'm burnt out and learning this the hard way but I know I can make it. Hope this has helped you in some way. Stay strong, be vulnerable to the right people and keep your mental, spiritual and really physical health in great condition.