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carcarkurtz

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  1. I lost my great-granddaughter to leukemia in January, a boss and dear friend to cancer in March and now June 10th I lost my son after his 9 month battle with esophageal cancer. My first born. He wasn't just my son, he was my friend and our business partner. He was born when I was 16, so in some respects we grew up together. We have always had a special bond. So many feelings & emotions run through me. Sometimes I laugh at someting, and then I feel guilty that I shouldn't be laughing, my son is gone. His boys are without a father, how can I find humor in anything? Othertimes I feel like I can barely make myself get up and go to work. I just want to get in the car and drive and drive and drive - as if getting away from here would ease the pain, I know it won't. I feel like I'm trying so hard to be strong for everyone, my other kids, my dad, and my 2 precious grandsons who are without their daddy, and so I hold in the tears. I want you to understand, I love all of my children and wouldn't want any of them to die, but I find myself wondering "why him? why take the one who was living life the way he should, who was raising his boys and running a business?" And then of course I feel like a horrible mother for even thinking that. Some days I feel like I'm going crazy. How long does this last? Will I ever feel normal again?
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