foxslady

It was 2 years already on May 1st since I lost Gene; 30 years together the days before. Feels like only yesterday. I've lost all time perspective. We always worked together, had a business together, our lives were so intertwined. We totally trusted each other to take care of the other, never letting either get hurt when we worked. Often the work was hard and dangerous, but I never felt unsafe, knowing he'd not let me fall nor I him. Now I have unreasonable fear of most everything. I've let the business drag and although I need the income and have so much inventory, I do everything to avoid it. I freeze when I talk to customers on the phone. I know in my head that I have to do something about it but I hover around it. I can't seem to do what has to be done. Things are sitting like the last hour he was here. I've been exhausting myself doing repairs still from the storms 2004-5. I bounce from project to project, have many gouges arms from doing the construction work and the pain in my back & hands is constant. It's like that pain is ok but I can't face anything from our life together. I seem to be driving myself to keep going. but I procrastinate. I was wondering if counseling would help, but am afraid of it also. I take anti-depressants and anxiety meds which makes the days bearable for the most part. Today I'm doing what I always do and stalling on what I have to do. Would rather die than face it. Haven't opened some mail for the last 2 years. My family is supportive, but I'm still hiding-out. Does this ever get better? Will I ever be able to face my past life and deal with it and do what needs doing for my survival? Or do I not want to survive. I can't find the answers. Are their any? Sadly, Foxslady

Dear Maylissa, Funny strange, when I read your reply, re: the name Button, I realized that I'd not thought of him in a long time. It was about 1968 or so. I had recently, but his name didn't pop into my head like it did recently. And yes, I did see him in shadow. What's so uncanny, is the pennies. What has brought us together, I don't know. My love, Gene died on May 1st, without warning. The next day, my son and daughter & I went to the funral home, like one does. Thank goodness, I got a phone call and walked outside. After the call, I put the phone and my purse down and had a cigarette. I was just standing under the roofed portico and a penny fell onto the back of my hand. Like a slap. I thought "i've got to look at this closer" and when I moved it fell to the ground. I stooped down to pick it up and another fell thru my hair and landed next to the first. 2 shiny pennies.I looked up and it is a solid roof, no-one was around, not a car, nothing. I went back inside and showed them and everyone got up and went outside silently. My son, always the jokester, looked up at the ceiling and said "don't you have anything larger?" All of us stared at the roof, including the funeral director. That nite he called me and said he told everyone about this and that he had a client who gets dimes. I'm not the first. Background to this is that the day before, Gene and I were cleaning out his van and he started to dump a box into the trash, and I said to wait, there were 2 pennies stuck in the bottem. He picked out one and I the other. He knew, I'd get hit by a truck rather than step over money, even pennies. Since then, I've gotten a lot more in other situations. In places where they shoudn't be. My daughter cleaned her truck, went to the store and when they opened the door to get back in, my grand daughter found 3 2006 pennies in a row face up on the floor. My brother & sister-n law came down the week Gene died and in the morning was a penny on her clothing. Not sure if I'm losing it. I know I'm extremely emotional and confused and forgetful, and cry at the drop of a hat. And I am coralling all the lose change, so I don't over re-act. I've talked to Gene's friends about this and they did not blow me off as a nut, but seem to accept it and actually thanked me for telling them. Said it made it easier for them. That it was a sign that they needed because they miss him so. It seems to have slowed, which makes me angry because I feel he's not with me like I felt he was. And I need him so much. My older dog, Rufus is really ailing and I am coming to another impasse which I 'm not up for. He was Gene's little guy and such a sweetheart. He's 16, blind, deaf, has arthritis very bad and a bad heart. We think he's little mind is going. He's in his own little world and I'm not part of it anymore. Sorry if my story sounds like the twilight zone. It's all true. Bright Blessings

Dear Maylissa, I am so sorry for your loss. It is so heartbreaking what you have gone through. I've lost more than one cherished darling and they are a great part of our lives. Years ago I had a wonderful kitty named Buttons, who was amazing. Highly intelligent and devoted. He never left my side and listened to every thing I said. It was terrible when he came in one day and died in front of me. We suspected a poison. I missed him terribly and had a hard time getting over him. Many months later, I was lying in bed one night and out of the blue, he jumped onto my pillow as he always did. I was startled, but somehow not surprised. He pawed the pillow a little as he had done in the past and nuzzled my face. I had no fear, just a comforting feeling. As quickly as he came, he jumped off the bed, and I never saw him again. Believe it or not, it was very real. I was not asleep as I'd just gotten into bed and shut off the light. It made me understand that they too have an afterlife. Something I'd never considered before. That he was telling me he was OK and missed me too. Nissa may or may not send you a sign of her existence, or it could be so subtle that you miss it. but please know that she does remain in your heart for all time. I know that for a fact. Bright Blessings

Thanks for your kind words. I think I just have days of total insanity. Three hurricanes took everything out of us. The workload has been excruciating. We worked everyday for almost 2 years, dragging giant trees, cleaning up enormous piles of debris. Endless repairs on the buildings in addition to working full time jobs. had not taken a day off since August 2004 and it's still not done. Gene worked tirelessly and I know it was for me, which makes his death so much harder to bear. He always wanted more for me than I did. He fell and broke his ribs badly in the first storm and was putting on a roof after the 2nd storm 3 weeks later. I couldn't stop him and it makes me feel so guilty. I could see the defeat when, in February, we had a small tornado. The look on his face told it all. He couldn't take anymore. He said he was so tired. We both were but he got a chainsaw and started in right away, cutting up more trees so we could get into the house; dragging more heavy debris and repairing the garage again. He worked like that right up to the day he died. All of this was for "us" not just me and now it's just me alone. I have days when I hate what this home that we loved so much did to us. Everything has become so un-important; it was all for naught. He's not here to be with me. We would watch the moonrise over the river and he would take me out side to see the sunsets or the stars. He just wanted me to be happy and now I'm so unhappy that I don't understand that if he's with me, looking over me, how can he bear to see my grief. His love was so enormous that it makes the hole in my heart that much larger. I'm trying not to go off the deep end. Reading this forum has helped and all of you have my heartfelt sympathy for your pain. I thought when I lost my Dad that it was the worst, but I was so wrong. I still cry years later, but it's nothing compared to my loss of Gene. So I know how great all of your losses are. It's a terrible journey. As always, Bright Blessings

Thank you for your kind words. I feel I shouldn't have vented so much. I feel somewhat better today; didn't take the meds for 2 days. Did go out for dinner yesterday to my daughter's and spent time with our grand daughter. It helps reading the posts as it is re-assuring to know I'm not a nut-case. Except for my son and daughters, I don't talk to any one but for idle chit chat because I crack easily. My son keeps a stiff upper lip; it's his way of dealing. He has Gene's ashes on a shelf behind his desk. He says he's over-looking all that he does. He really inspired the kids and was the perfect dad although they are not his own. I've not had the courage to bring him home. I'm avoiding that. Can't say why. Maybe it'll be too real. and reality bites! I guess I'm still in denial of sorts. Gene did not want a funeral; he hated them. And we had no viewing for the same reason. I did not want to see him like that because we were so happy on Sunday and clowning around and had a nice dinner. He said it was the best pork chops ever. That's what I wanted to remember. His smile and saying "I love You' which he said so often. Maybe if I had, I'd not be in so much denial. Don't know. In reading the posts, it's wonderful to know how many people really love their spouses. My daughter-in-law said to me that unlike most, Gene and I really liked each other. Now I know that many others do also. Bright Blessings to all

I've spent all nite and all day trying to find a reason to go on. It's been 4 months and 1 week since My Gene died, suddenly, without warning. Celebrated our 27 years married on Friday and Saturday. Worked on the house on Sunday, he went to work on Monday so happy and bouncy and died in the aftrnoon. Alone! All alone. 2 years since the hurricanes, we'd been working our selves to death, trying to make repairs. After having a horrible time with the insurance company for months, we finally got that settled and could start work. We hired a general contractor so Gene wouldn't have to work so hard. He took our insurance money and had the most incompetent, sloppy workers. We spent a full year correcting their messes, re-doing their shoddy work. I was so ill from the mold and drywall dust, but the GC did not help us out. Oh, he kept promising, but did nothing. Gene would work all day and then come home and work til late at nite. All we did for a year was work. Hard, miserable work. But Gene would not give in. He kept saying he was OK, but he wasn't. Every week from Jan. forward, the GC promised he'd have a competent crew come out and finish. But did not. Meanwhile, we did the work, so we could get back into our rooms. I'm so filled with hate for the GC for what he did to us. I shall never forgive him. I didn't want for Gene to have to do so much. He said he was so tired that Sunday. Even after the GC knew Gene had died, he still continued to screw us. Our side business went in the tank during last year because we would travel in the RV during the summer and sell product in other states. We had a good thing going and now it's all gone. And I wonder why we tried so hard. We were so happy on the road, had friends and a life. We were best friends and lovers and business partners for 30 years. We were soulmates and completed each other. He loved me so much, which I didn't deserve; showered me with gifts, left love notes every day when he went to work. I hate myself for not seeing the signs. He was getting headaches but said he'd go to the Dr. when his VA appoinment came in May. And then they postponed it. So he did not go. May 1st was his last day. It all is such a waste. Today I wanted to burn the GD house to the ground. It was for us, not me, alone. He loved it here, said he would not be anywhere else. I hate what it did to him. I don't sleep anymore without lots of meds. Then am stoned in the morning. I can't focus, or think. I bounce from piller to post. I don't want to see or talk to anyone. My kids invited me for dinner today, but I refused. Had some cookies. Some days I don't eat at all..could care less. My son wants me to think about money and I don't care about that either. I flipped out when our broker called and wanted to talk about my "future". I said I have none and don't care. I guess I cried all that day. I have no interest in going on. I've thought all day about ending it. I shall have to take my older dog with me. He's blind and deaf and can hardly walk. He mourns for Gene as I do. Looks for his truck to come. Somehow, he knew. He's as lost as am I. I hate this house for what it did to us. I keep throwing things out, but not Gene's; only mine. I am going to call someone tomorrow to come and get the living room furniture. I'll just go room to room 'til it's empty. I dispise it all. I want it to be as empty as I am.