srm

For Harry. Your talk about Dragons reminded me of this print and sent me looking though my stack old treasures and treasured memories so that I could share it here. I hope it makes you smile. I sure do hope that I did this right! Sue

I took a photo of a drawing that I have that I am sure Harry (and other's) will enjoy but I can not figure out how to put it here! If someone will let me know how to do that I will try to edit this post later and put in the picture. Thank you, Sue

Kay - my thoughts are with you and your family. Sue

Oh Mary - I am so sorry. Sue

oh Mary - I second what Marty says - all of it. Sue

I am so sorry to hear this. Shannon, Mary and your whole family have my best wishes. I hope they can do something for the pain so her body can focus on fighting the infections. Like Fay, I want to remind you to care for yourself as you watch over Shannon. Breathe, drink, sleep when you can and don't forget to eat something. We all wait with you for the results of the scans and biopsy. My thoughts continue to be with you. Sue

Shannon, I keep a steady stream of good wishes headed your way. Going home is very good news, and yes it does come with a lot of other emotions but it is good. Lean on Mary, this treatment you have gone through is very intense. You may not feel it but you certainly have shown that you have an amazing inner strength. Know that you are surrounded by well wishes. Sue

Anne, Wonderful news. I can not imagine all of the many emotions you were trying to keep in check as hearing declined. What a wonderful relief you must have now. I am very happy. Listen to lots of music, have some wine and chocolate. I heard you like that. Celebrate! Sue

Mary, This is outstanding! Thank you for the news. My best wishes are always with you all. Sue

Mary, What welcome news about the new marrow growing. The whole transplant process is an amazing thing, with many hurdles. Having the stem cells take root and begin to grow is such a relief and is truly a wonderful sign of recovery. It must be hard to watch Shannon in isolation, but it is likely best. Rest rest rest while you can, my constant advice. My best wishes are with you all. Sue

My best wishes are also with you today. Sue

Mary and Shannon, My thoughts are with you. This is such a complicated and difficult process. The bad news about the GVHD does carry along with it good news that the new stem cells are making themselves at home and growing. Now to control the GVHD and fight off the constant battle with infection. Shannon has been so strong, gong through so much and is still in there fighting. I am so glad you are with her. My best wishes are with you. sue

Shanon, My best wishes for healing are still flowing to you. Sue

Shannon, You are a very strong woman. I hope you can draw extra strength from all the love that surely surrounds you. My thoughts are with you. Sue

Shannon - and Mary and Family I am so sorry to hear that Shannon is having such a difficult time. My best wishes are with you all. I hope that the antibiotics can fight off the infection. This is such a difficult process she is going through, sleeping may be the best thing that she can be doing right now - with all her energy focused inward on getting through this battle. It is good that your son is able to go into the room and be with her. Thinking of you all. Sue

Mary, thank you from me also for keeping us informed. My husband had a stem cell transplant, and I know how anxious this time is. There is so much preparation leading up to the actual infusion of the cells, so much hope, so much appreciation for the gift from the donor, all followed by anxious waiting and watching for the donation to set up residence in the new home. Were we were, they called it a second birthday, and I know that at my house we celebrated that birthday every year. I know that there can be come very scary side effects that show up during this whole process. I share, because I think it would have been helpful for me, that with the high dose chemo, it is possible that later, Shannaon may just not remember much about this time. My husband later said that he knew that I had been with him, and he said he remembered being glad when I was there, but when I asked about the difficult parts (and actually the several days prior to the transplant itself) he and other post transplant patients all said something along the lines of Oh yea, they tell me it was really bad but I really don't recall it. I was glad that the difficult periods were not remembered. A reminder as you are watching and caring for Shannon to take time to be good to yourslves as well. As I said before, there is so much pressure and stress at this time - but there are also times ahead where Shannon will need your support, so try to replenish your body and soul when you can. Again my best wishes are with you all. Sue

Shannon, I am so very sorry to hear that the chemo has not been effective and that you need all of the more aggressive treatment. It is good that your brother is a match, and must be comforting to know that whatever difficulties you have had, that he is there to help you. You are indeed in a fight. I wish you strength of body mind heart and spirit. May the love of those dear to you surround and protect you. My best wishes are with you. Sue

Jan, Here is a (hug) for you. I know you will get through it, I know it will be so hard. Be gentle with yourself, remember to breathe. You are in my thoughts. Sue

Oh Anne, The path through grief seems different for us all, yet it seems that many of us feel the same things along the way. Please know you are not alone with this saddness. I think it is normal and likely good to feel it when it needs to be felt, and to cry when you need to cry. It has now been about 17 months since my husband died. I don’t know if it will help you or not but for me the emotional waves still come, but really are getting farther apart. It also seems that when I get back to the surface after each one passes there is a period of relief that seems to lead to a new level of adjustment – or even takes me one step closer to that acceptance I keep hearing about. So be sad when you need to – and enjoy the sun when you can. Take good care of yourself – the much repeated excellent advice that you share so often. I am sending you a long gentle hug. Sue

Yet again you put to words what I feel. Thank you.

Mary, I am sure you would have to move if you hurt that amazing tree. It is spectacular. What beauty...I can almost smell fall looking at it. Thank you, Sue

Jan, Your poem is perfect. SRM

You will have company. I also feel a big wave coming. My husband Pete passed away on October 16th last year. Mid September is when he started the downward spiral, with the first of his final set of three hospital admissions. One year ago, I was not worried about losing him. I worried the pneumonia would damage his lungs more and make it difficult for him to recover well. He had come through so many things before, each one taking away something from him physically but not touching his spirit. At this time last year, I was starting to think about how to get a ramp to replace the front steps to make it easier for him to come and go from the house. This time last year – I did not know we were so close to the end of our time together. Now though I know it was. I think that as I remember one year ago, I am going to get to feel many emotions that I kept myself from feeling. I think that this is going to be hard to get through. My theory is that back in 2005 when Pete was originally diagnosed with leukemia, I went into a kind of shock. It protected me from my own fears, allowing me to take good care of Pete through everything he had to go through as well as allowing me to get through other things that happened to family and myself during the same time. There was another level of shock that kicked in once I realized Pete was going to die – a numbness I am sure you all know and remember. I have imagined a pressure regulator valve on my emotions that lets them vent out as I become strong enough to handle them. I hope so, there are so many and I do not think that I could take them all at once. So – know you are not alone. I do not know what to do to make things better. I just try to cry when I need to remind myself to breathe through the pain when it comes. Wishing you well as we all get through the next wave. I feel it coming. srm

My husband Pete passed away in October 2011. For his last 6-1/2 years we worked so closely together, trying to help him survive leukemia, recover from its treatment and all the damage the treatment caused. I miss him all the time. I try to wish him here still, and find myself thinking that I just want my/our real life back. We had so many plans and so much love. I still have these feelings of loss, pain, sadness, frustration and intense longing, but they seem to be getting better at last. One day about four months after Pete passed away, I felt something completely different. My hope is that as I really accept and adjust to this loss I will have that feeling return, and it will become my normal. For that one day all of my wishing to change the past went away. The regrets were no longer important. I felt as if something inside that was trying desperately to hold on to what we had and who we were, the old dreams, hopes, plans, trying to relive every moment of joy, passion, laughter, regrets and wishes, just relaxed. The desperation and pain vanished. I was left with three things as all that mattered. The first thing was that Pete knew without a doubt that I loved him totally. Second, I am equally certain of his love for me. The third was that the emptiness inside me that appeared when Pete died had been filled. It was more than full...l felt there was a golden light well inside me that was overflowing. People should have seen a glow when they looked at me. The feelings were almost overwhelming. Gone was the pain and sadness, all my efforts to try to change the past...to somehow have met him sooner, used our time better, or find a way that we could have had more of everything. What was there was joy that we had somehow managed to find each other and share so many years together, gratitude for all the ways he helped me to grow and become a better person, thankfulness for all the time we had to tell and show each other how much we treasured each other. I again felt our love for each other, which feels bigger than all space and time. All this love was somehow all within me and part of me forever. I only had these feelings for one day, but I want them back so much. I think that the sooner I can really accept that Pete and our future plans are gone the easier it will become to focus on all that I gained from our time together and stop focusing on all that I lost when he died. I know Pete did not want to leave me. I believe he would want me to be the way that I felt that day, stronger than I ever imagined, confident in my value as a person and knowing I am capable and worthy of giving and receiving love on a scale that I never knew existed until we met. On that one day, I realized that while I won't know about an afterlife till I get there myself, knowing does not really matter. Our lives were so intertwined that even though he died, he has become part of who I am, and will be with me always. I realized that one day has been like an oasis in my grief. It makes me think that I need to find my way to release the pain, and brings to my attention that when I am only feeling my loss and pain I am unable to feel the vast love that we shared that I know is still within me. I have not seen anyone posting anything like this day that I had, but I hope that others have had something similar, and that I can look forward to feeling this way more as I heal and adjust. I found this site in April, while recovering from some surgery. I want to thank all of you who post here for the help and hope your messages provide. What you share, your feelings, concerns, experiences, positives, lessons learned, ups and downs, cries, the constant reminders to take good care of myself and more, have all helped me as I progress through my first year. Some other time I may tell more of my past 7 years, I have other losses and changes that I am sure are all bundled in together with my grief over Pete’s death. This group helps with those as well. So, I enter into these discussions at last, with thanks to you all as we go though this complex process. srm