kaanen

I just cannot stand it without Raleigh, I miss him so badly it hurts soooo much, I just want him back which I know is irrational. I cry at home,in the car, in the store...he was my baby and I cannot stand it. At bedtime he always used to wait so patiently for me to put his blanket at the bottom of our bed, then he'd stand on the small stool my husband made for him, he had a problem sometimes with his back legs...and get comfy on the bed, I am waking up 4 or 5 times in the middle of the night and he is just not there, he would always snuggle with us, I feel very panicky when I wake up and sometimes have to get up and walk around then go back to bed, I hate my bedroom now and do not want to go to bed in there. I feel as though Raleigh is still here sometimes and want to talk to him, I know it sounds crazy. I always get so close to my dogs, they all have been so special to me, my buddy, Raleigh is gone, gone and is not coming back, it hurts so badly. I keep seeing him looking so sad at the vets that last night, the vision is in my mind especially at night, the vet said he was scared and I cannot get that out of my mind. I always wanted to know where my dogs go when they pass on, I do believe they are well somewhere but it is the not definitely knowing for sure that kills me, if only we knew...our Boxer before Raleigh was in a vivid dream one night, I will always say it was not a dream, like something I had never ever experienced before, he walked towards me out of a white light, my grandfather was on the right and as they got closer my grandfather walked out of the space and my Boxer Morrissey just stood there in front of me, I could actually feel and see my arms reach out to him, then he was gone and I woke up. I had grieved so badly for Morrissey too and I honestly feel my grandfather brought him to me to say...he's okay, he's with me, from that day I was more at peace. I hope Raleigh comes to me one day in the same way. Thanks for listening x

Hi GordosMom, I totally understand everything you're saying as others here do too. We do know deep, deep down we did the right thing but I think it's human nature to second guess things, what if I had done this, what if I had done that, if only.... There is no doubt you were a wonderful mommy to Gordo and would absolutely never have made that decision if you didn't feel it was the right thing to do for him. I noticed the reply from unrecognizable, "Somehow punishing myself...." I do the same thing, over and over in my mind, I'm sure it's because we loved them so much. I relive over and over that night with Raleigh, mad at myself, why? I don't actually know why because we did everthing humanly possible, I guess it just hurts so badly our minds play tricks or something and it's part of the grieving process. Is that Gordo in the picture? how precious. I was thinking about you and came on to see how you were doing, take care of yourself, many hugs.

Thank you GordosMom and Kayc, I would love to put up a picture of Raleigh when I can, it's just so hard to look at them right now. Yes, it hurts sooooo much, my heart literally hurts for him, I am keeping busy but cried in the car on the way home. GordosMom, I'm sorry your husband is overseas right now, I was the same way, I spent so much time with Raleigh, he was my baby and he answered to baby more than his name! He was my hiking/walking buddy, he used to be able to hike for miles and miles and we'd stop for snacks, he'd have his scooby snacks and we'd just sit up on a hill and look at the beautiful mountains. The one thing we are so grateful for is the absolutely wonderful vet and staff at the ER, they truly cared about Raleigh and never rushed us at anytime. Today we received a beautiful card from our local vet. Thank you for listening and caring xx will post a picture as soon as I can.

Hello GordosMom, I just wanted to say how sorry I am about Gordo, he was very special. I just lost my beloved Boxer and it hurts so much, I just wanted to send you many, many hugs at this difficult time, take care.

Thank you both so much, I know you understand. The house is so empty, I feel panicky at night, last night I laid on the sofa where Raleigh used to lie and just wanted him to be there. My heart hurts so much. In bed I kept thinking of him lying at the side of us and when I wake up and he's just not here is awful. To come home and he's not here. I would always say to him.."Come on and see mommys flowers with her.." and for the last few days he would walk out there with me, I don't want to see those flowers anymore it just hurts. For the last month all Raleigh would eat was ground turkey so I would boil it all up for him but I also noticed he was having a difficult time swallowing at times, I was breaking down at those times because even though we had him on thyroid meds I knew in my heart it was also a brain tumor. I do feel guilt sometimes, guilt because he suffered and I could not stop it, it's almost a crazy feeling as on the other hand I absolutely know we did everything humanly possible, my thoughts are all over the place, I guess it kills me to know he suffered. When Raleigh was 3 months old we adopted him from his first owner who did not want him, he had tried to give him back to the breeder who would not take Raleigh back, I know he was meant to come to us. Who knows what would have happened to him. He was such a handsome boy, very large for a Boxer at 100 pounds, not overweight but as the vet would say...he's just a big boy and so handsome, he would actually stop traffic he was so handsome and on every walk someone, either walking or in a car, would stop to say how gorgeous he was, he was a great boy.

On Weds night we had to make the decision to let our beloved 6 year old Boxer go, he was in such an awful, awful way and had a brain tumor. At the ER he was so bad, he could not stop pacing around and around and his eyes were so red and 1/2 open, I grilled and grilled the vet but I knew we had to let him go, it was actually torture to see him that way, my daughter came to the ER to say goodbye and my husband and I held him when he went to sleep and I told him mommy loves him so much and he was going to go to sleep now. I feel in a kind of shock, I keep seeing him lying there but I wanted to be with him, for him. I go between feeling some kind of peace that he's not suffering anymore and then I feel guilty. Every so often in the ER he would stand facing the corner and just stand there with his head down, I keep seeing him do that, it's breaking my heart. I go between crying so much for him and feeling peace that he is at peace. I absolutely know we did the right thing but it hurts sooo much, the ER vet who was so kind said there was nothing we could do and he was very. very sick, we could have put him on steriods for maybe a month but it wasn't going to save him just prolong everything so I wasn't going to do that to him For about 5 weeks he had been so lethargic he didn't want to move and could hardly keep his eyes open, I had noticed a few things going on quite a while before that, head tilting, staring in to space and he would suddenly get aggressive, he was just not himself no wagging of his tail when he saw us, not happy about anything, one vet suspected a tumor but I frantically researched to see if it could be something else, found a specialist in CA and sent Raleigh's blood samples to them, verdict was he was Hypothyroid and most of his symptoms coincide with that illness, for 2 days we were so happy it was that but once on the Thyroid meds Raleigh could not stop pacing and pacing, he would get lost in corners and knock things over, his eyes had been so red but no vet knew what that was from...and he was having accidents in the house, I contacted the vets in CA early Tuesday morning as I was so concerned, was the meds too high and is this what's causing all his symptoms???? they suggested to half his meds but also noted that from his blood work there was a "significant other illness, non thyroidal" that Raleigh had so I fell apart, even though it was only a few days I honestly thought all the problem he had was his thyorid, that next day he paced and paced, he cried and would bang his head in to the wall so when I saw that we rushed him to the ER where the vet said it was definitely all from a brain tumor, I would do anything for him, I wanted to save him but I just couldn't, he had 2 illnesses going on and they masked each other. We feel the Thyorid meds actually got him up on his feet and that's when we could really see what was going on. In some strange way when I think about it I feel i was meant to find the specialists in CA, was meant to put him on thyroid meds, because otherwise he would be still lying down asleep all the time and it would have taken so much longer to see what was really going on, he would have suffered for months longer so I try to think he did not suffer as much as he probably was going to. I believe somehow we were meant to see what was truly going on. It hurts so badly, he was my baby boy and so precious, only 6 so that's in my mind too.All I want to do and am doing is sit in front of the TV..which I hardly ever do...because when the TV is on now and there's noise I don't have to think. Thank you for listening and I know you unbderstand. I love you so much my baby boy xxxx

I'm so sorry Shelly, I know how much pain you are in, I wish I could make it better for you. 6 years ago my dog had back leg problems too, he had cancer and his paws would buckle under, the vet said eventually he wouldn't be able to walk or get up at all and that's what happened, he was 11 years old and even though he had had a wonderful happy life it was so painful to let him go. Even now sometimes when I talk about him I feel teary but I can also smile when I think of the funny things he used to do, it is so hard but know that so many understand how you feel. I honestly thought I'd never be able to smile when I thought of him and it did take a long time. My dog now is ill and I dread the day when we have to make that decision, I am trying to enjoy him and not distress him by being upset in front of him. We understand how you are feeling, take care of yourself and big hugs to you.

Hi Graciesmommy, I'm so sorry about Gracie, know that you did all you could, she had a wonderful mommy but I know you are hurting a lot. I have lost several dogs over the years, they were all my babies and best buddy's, when they passed away the pain was unbearable and was for quite some time, I'd be in the car, in the grocery store and I'd break down. 6 years ago when my dog died I had a dream about 3 months later, I would cry for him when I was going to sleep, I had a dream or I still say it wasn't a dream...my grandfather who died about 10 years ago was walking towards me and at the side of him was my dog, my grandfather looked as though he was in his mid thirties and I never knew him then, my dog was healthy and ran towards me, I could feel my hands touch my dog, it was amazing and I will never ever forget it, I suddenly woke up crying and told my husband what had happened, I truly believe my grandfather brought my dog to me to show me he was with him so I wouldn't be so heartbroken all the time (My grandfather always had a way with dogs and they loved him) ever since then I was more at peace. My dog now is very ill and I know the time is coming but am trying to enjoy him as much as possible. It will take time for the pain to not be so raw, of course we will still always miss them but one day you will be able to smile when you think of Gracie, many many hugs to you and your family.

I'm so sorry, you're not a horrible mother, hope you are doing ok, big hugs.

Hi RockysMama, I'm so sorry about Rocky, what a handsome happy fella in his picture! I know your heart is broken, there is such a void, Rocky had 10 wonderful years with a family who loved him, I have had to let a few dogs go and it's the hardest decision, I truly believe they know it's their time though and understand. I know you feel guilty if you think of moving his things, I felt the same way when I lost my last fur baby, his toys were under my daughter's trampoline and I wouldn't let anyone move them for some time. When you feel up to it you will know. I think it's so wonderful to donate some of Rocky's things to the Humane Society. I know that really no words right now will help your pain, it took quite a long time for me to be able to talk about my last dog and smile when I thought of him, take care and many hugs to you.

Hi kayc, I just read your post, the above replies are fantastic and hope they help you, I'm sure they will. I too suffered chidlhood abuse, my father was an alcoholic, violent and mentally abusive, I was adopted and he said some terrible things that took me years to be able to say it was him, not me at fault. You wrote me such a wonderful response to my post that has truly helped me, I just want you to know that. I have often wondered why does God put so much pain in to some people's lives and as you say others are deciding which nail polish to use!!! oh to have the worry of which polish to use! but as you say, I wouldn't want to be one of those people. I wish I had words of wisdom for you but my mind right now is a mess, take care and look after yourself, big hugs.

Hi Teresa, I'm so sorry your boyfriend is in pain, 45 is young and I totally understand when you say the hardest part is not being to fix it, we just want to make it all okay. I have recently joined here, thank you for your kind words to my post, oh yes...the asking how are you doing...I'm sure it is just natural for people to ask that straight away but it's tough, I don't want anyone to ask me that anymore! sometimes I say, oh I'm okay but inside I'm 1/2 dying. Big hugs to you.

Hi TeresaR, thank you very much for your reply, sounds pretty pathetic if that's the right word but I don't know if I can forgive myself, or at least maybe in time I will be able to, I can't see it right now, deep down inside I know I have truly done everything humanly possible to help my mom, I ran on pure adrenalin trying everything, hardly sleeping and I remember telling my husband I wasn't going to rest and will go to my grave until she was safe and being taken care of! she did need to be in a nursing home, we wanted her to come and live with us but the Alzheimer's had progressed so far she needs 24/7 care. My brother wanted her to stay alone in her house, running all over the place at all hours, not eating etc, so she would go so far downhill she'd give up, no one told me how bad it was or I would have been there sooner. That's part of the guilt but my rational part says I didn't know. MartyT: Thank you for your wonderful kind words, I was in therapy for a while but then I think my brain did something very strange(!) and it seemed as though even though I thought about my mom and sister every single day, everything went to the back of my brain if that makes any sense and I became so busy doing everything I had no time to "think", don't know if your brain does this to protect itself as I know I was very near to checking myself in to a hospital. You are right, we have to put one foot in front of another every day, don't know any other way to do it. I am so grateful to have found this website. kayc: Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and for your kind words, you have and are still going through so very much, the pain I have felt from everything has literally brought me to my knees, to the point where I have thought I cannot go on anymore with this pain, please someone take it away and make everything okay, I know people here understand. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, and for your grandpa to visit your grandma every day and the things he did, the feelings he must have had and how difficult it had to have been, bless his heart. I think my mom was the same way as your friend with Alzheimer's, she did know something was wrong, she would often say...I think I'm losing my mind, I hope it's not Alzheimer's, that was her fear and it had to have scared her, but now I try to think she doesn't know anymore, in a way it's a blessing she doesn't if that makes sense. Mom is 80 years old now bless her, she doesn't know about my sister and again to me that is a blessing at her age, it would probably have 1/2 killed her to know the condition my sister is in. My husband has always been a person who says, don't worry everything is going to be okay, you'll see, and it usually is but with all that's happened even he hasn't said it and that was very difficult too, I don't think even he knows what to say. I really hope an opening comes up for your mom in a safe place, you will know she is safe and that is huge. Thank you all so much again, it really means a lot to me. I have always thought time can heal, it just takes time.... but with all this I just couldn't see that time is going to do it, I guess it's going to take a lot of work.

Marty T and kayc, thank you so much for your kind words, I just wrote a long reply, hit a button and erased it all! don't know what I did, I will write it all again tomorrow, I feel so tired right now but I just wanted to say thank you.

Hello, I was searching the internet all last night and stumbled across this site. I am so sad, so upset I cannot cope, my brain feels as though it's cracking. I think I want so badly for someone to say everything's going to be okay but I know it's not going to be and my heart hurts. I feel as though I just cannot take anymore, I know I'm going to ramble but here goes because I think I have to write this out, my mother has Alzheimer's, a sibling of mine was abusing her, I did not know this until a few years ago, when I think back when I would call mom she would say things like.."Mike" is so nasty and has a terrible temper.." I know it, he has always been that way but what I didn't know was he was abusing her, I just didn't know and feel so guilty I can't explain it, that I didn't get on a plane sooner (we went as often as we could and called all the time) to save her, when I visited the last time I saw first hand how he spoke and treated her, absolutely terrible, screaming, swearing at her, I called the police and he changed all locks on the doors to get rid of me, I know it's all about money which I don't care about, it's mom's welfare that counts, long story short I went through Social Services and the courts to get mom in to a nursing home away from him and I do have some peace knowing she is being so well cared for but she doesn't know who I am, she comes to the phone and I just want to cry because she doesn't know me. (I try to wait until I'm off the phone to break down) I am so angry too that other people let the terrible abuse go on and never did anything or worse did not tell me, they just totally ignored it. Two years ago, my younger sister had a massive stroke, it hit her so hard and she has severe brain damage, she lives in a rehab center, when I visit her she looks at me like a deer in a headlight, all I can think of is why...why did this all have to happen to them, it is so cruel that she is never going to be able to come back from this, what kind of life is she going to have, my mom doesn't understand what happened to my sister, of course I have never said she had a stroke, at the time I visited her at home she kept asking is my sister ok over and over so she kind of understood she was ill, (my sibling had cruelly told her my sister had a stroke and was not going to get better, how cruel) everytime mom asked me I said yes mom she's going to be fine, what else are you going to say. When my sibling locked me out of mom's house I had to come back home but did everything I could to help mom and as mentioned above finally something was done but the stress, pure guilt etc has almost sent me over the edge. Now my beloved dog has a brain tumor, he is my baby, he sleeps all the time, not himself atall, his personality has changed and all I can think of now is I'm going to lose him, I hurt so badly, it all hurts so much, I just want everything to be fine, I don't know how to cope, I honestly don't. I cry all the time, already on anti depressants from my dr which help I suppose somewhat but how do you cope from all this? I feel so frantic, guilty, you name it. Thank you for any words or advice, how do you live life with all that's going on?