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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

cloudburst51

Contributor
  • Posts

    6
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Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    JULY 7, 2012
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    na

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    LOS ANGELES, CA
  1. That was the hardest year of loss the girl had and as for me, it all turned out the worst I could imagine...I doubt there is any advice left to give. I finally reached out to this person in December through email to ask to meet her and discuss our relationship, or if there would ever be again. I told her I had some things to say to her and she didn't have to talk to me, just listen since we never discussed 'us' since the death of her nephew and to meet and I could also return back a couple of her little things. Well, I finally go a response a couple of hours later and was crushed. She was infuriated with me. It seems after all this time, all the things I had learned and tried to do to help out, ease the pain, comfort her had made her mad. That is was all an attempt to insert myself into her life when she made it clear that she wanted to be left alone. It was all about me not her and that I was very selfish and was making it hard for her to heal. But the thing is, she had been into all the things I had done, was very appreciative and thankful and we had even started making plans to start seeing each other again during all this. It hurt a lot to see that see had contempt towards me when the last time we had seen each other she thought we were moving towards a heavy loving relationship and was so into me. I had kept myself so far out of the picture, barely contacting her, like once a month, if that, to check in on her well-being. Every friend and family member I tell this story to, they all think I did everything right and wish they knew more caring stand-up men like me. But the girl that I wanted to give my strength the most to, who probably needed it more, in the end, saw it differently than she had originally. This is so hard. Can't imagine what it is for her. I was told to say what I wanted to say, throw away her things as she doesn't need them anymore. I wrote back explaining that all I had done had been talked about between us previously and there was no problems, what happened? I told her I would leave her alone to heal and that I was sorry that I hurt her, when all I was trying to do was the opposite. She said she just couldn't be what I wanted her to be right now. In the end I never did tell her the way I really felt about her, how she is one of those rare connections that happens only a couple times in life, and that I wasn't just me when we started dating. I just wrote an apology letter because I was so shocked to hear how she now looked at me. I am so pissed at the world. Try to be a great guy, the way I was raised to be caring in time of people's need and it blew up in my face. She had to defer all feelings and thought of relationships once the tragedy set in but the feelings stayed quite strong within me. I haven't contacted her in three months and I still think of her everyday and wonder if I'll ever hear from her or if I should tell her I still care about her and for her to get ahold of me when she feels she's ready and see if we have anything left. I try to date other woman but I haven't come across that spark since. Any thoughts?
  2. Yes, it is weird that some look at someone caring for them a lot and waiting, in the romantic sense, as a value reducer. I don't know if that's the case here. I still haven't heard from her and haven't tried to reach out to her yet. I still miss her a lot and think of her every day, wondering how she is, if she's healing bit by bit, etc. I do my daily thing and live life but there is this overwhelming feeling all the time to go find her and just see how she is. It's so strange when you find someone that you click with that they stick around in your head forever. We may drift back to each other as we have in the past, but I felt so close to her recently and was there during the crisis that it seems only natural to seek her out and talk to her. I dunno. We'll see...
  3. Thanks to you guys for all the great advice. And of course, you're both right. There's nothing I can do these days to get them to start talking to me, and I wouldn't want them to if they themselves didn't want to. It's been a month and a half since I've heard from her after sending her my last letter and text. It is very frustrating and I continued to keep contacting her because the last she said she wanted to see me. Then nothing. Just another broken heart on the way, but as you all said, you have to let go otherwise we keep beating ourselves up. I left a voicemail last week letting her know that I hope she's dealing well and that it seems she doesn't want to talk to me right now but I'm always here when she's ready. I don't understand grief, and being that it wasn't her own son but her nephew, I thought this was something that one gets over and goes back to her old life. Especially since she sounded as if she was ready. I feel some overpowering need to be this great noble, romantic guy and be there for her and be the strong man that she always called me but I have the feeling my presence after all this time of comforting and consoling from a distance may have now made me unromantic in her eyes. I don't know. I wish she would tell me to just go away and that she has moved on. Otherwise, I know I will keep thinking of her for the next six months wondering. I've never asked her directly about our status and where she holds me now and wonder if in a month I should drop a line and ask or just let her be completely until she returns. If ever...
  4. Thank you for your kind wise words. I have been reading a lot of your posts on this site and you seem to have a good grip on these type of situations. I know we all wish that we didn't have to know how to cope with something like this but life happens and we can't control it. But I still find my self banging my head against the wall. It's pretty much what you say. There's nothing I can do, I could keep calling and texting and demanding answer but what kind of idiot does that? Obviously, no matter what I have done for her and the feelings she had before, she doesn't feel the need to talk to me. And I really only want someone that does. The one thing that creeps in my mind is that she may have turned to someone else. I try to keep those thoughts out of my head though as much as possible. I haven't decided whether or not to find her at work. It seems romantic and noble but like you said, she could view it unfavorably. But, if she already has a problem with me, at least I would get some sort of resolution. Which I need greatly. None of my friends or family, even my mom who is a hospice nurse, understand her behavior. They've had death and grief before but they've never shut people completely out of their lives. Especially ones that they thought meant something to them. I just can't believe how sad I am about her and her situation. It's not even her child though and it seems something else is going on. Especially a month ago we were planning to start going out again. Maybe I'll just call her and ask nicely for us to talk because I really think we need to. I have never pressured her about us so I don't think she'll be too overwhelmed with it.
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