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KATPILOT

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  1. And now the tenth. This year seems a bit different. Perhaps because of Covid which Patty and I contracted yet came out clean on the other side. This year seems harder than last for why I do not know. It just does. The memories of this day are as clear as if it just happened, every little detail. To all my friends here I hope for the safest travel through it and the strength to get past the bad anniversaries.
  2. Today would would be my 23rd anniversary married to Kathy although only fourteen we spent physically together. It also is the 7th anniversary of my dad's death. Always a strange day as I remember how the day my dad passed in a Hospice home I went out to dinner anyway by myself to be with Kathy for it just didn't make sense to let it fall under more grief when it should be a happy time or in the case of being widowed, at least a reflective one. It was a good dinner at one of her favorite restaurants and now I think how strange that I would be involved in a restaurant myself. Ever since I met Patty I have gone out to dinner just the same and shared loving stories as we do on her anniversary in November. We talk about their beautiful lives and how much they affected us and so tonight we shall do the same. This time however we will be doing it at home and I already know how Patty is planning a special night of it with munchies and wine and we will light a red candle for Kathy's favorite color. What strange days indeed. You can't even grieve without some kind of restriction. But... you know the grief does soften after many years just like I used to predict and still we will never cease to honor them. I will have tears yes but smiles too and that is the best I can hope for. Here is to you my love and to you Dad I know you both read everything I write. You always have.
  3. Laurie this is such a critical time for you. Shock kind of seems an understatement. Kay has a very good suggestion about the grief counselor and I hope you can begin researching this. It saved my life and a lot of others on this site. And Kay you certainly have it right. So many years later and still they remain in us, around us and through us. I should add that even though I have found love again my love for Kathy remains quite real. It is a gift like no other.... even with the sorrow. We are glad you found this place Laurie and if you find yourself as I did , unable to sleep, log on and read. You not only will discover that you are not alone but there is a wealth of knowledge and information available to you as you travel this grief's journey.
  4. From the beginning of my Grief's Journey I have always been affected by the loss others were going through. I know we all have had such feelings when we know all to well what must be going on inside that other persons heart. I stated once before that it is like being in a lifeboat with others who are grieving watching our ship sink in front of us. Once again this is hitting me as I now know people who have died from this virus and another who is quite sick and I think of their families and loved ones who couldn't even be with them when they died. I think this is a new kind of grief that happens when you are a veteran of sorrow and old wounds are sensitive to the touch. Once again I am made aware of the fact that I am not the same. I will never be the same. I am a person of grief who sees the world in a very different way.
  5. I just wanted to share some feelings I have had lately. I am not sure if it is just this crazy time we are living in or if I simply feel a connection with Kathy as perhaps she stays close enough to let me know she is there. If I were younger I might feel quite stressed about my future but living with Patty for three years now has changed me a lot. Yes our third anniversary is just a week away and while it seems like only yesterday so much has happened that I wonder if Kathy even recognizes me. I don't get back here often enough so some of you may feel like I have moved on and found happiness anew but that is not totally accurate. Oh yes I have found new happiness and love like I can never explain but the pain of loss remains still. It can grab hold of you when you least expect it and I am happy to be able to share that with Patty who has similar episodes as well. I guess we are lucky the two of us to have that. That "One day at a time" thing still plays out in my life only it really goes fast. I never thought I would still be working at 72 but at least I can. I think I must like what I do. The point is that even with so many changes and life moving on, I still know the grief is always my companion and perhaps we have become friends. Do I still cry sometimes? You bet although not too often but there is joy as well thanks in no small part to the new angel that slipped into my life. From that day Feb 17, 2011 my life changed more than I ever thought possible. It shall never be recovered. The past can never be the present or the future, kind of like living in a post virus world. Will we ever look at daily routine the same? Will I ever forget to wash my hands like I do now? Will I ever go to happy hour and feel secure again? John Lennon said it. "Strange Days Indeed" Funny thing though how my business is booming and I am not even open but by appointment only and masks are required. Maui Pasta is even doing better than before... being closed except for take out. "Strange days Indeed. And still I miss her. I always shall.
  6. I would like to participate as well Marty and will contact him.
  7. It truly hit home today. Last month was the ninth anniversary of when Kathy left. Seems like a long time but yet it also seems like yesterday and today would have been her 60th birthday. I always went out to dinner to celebrate this wonderful day but now I cannot. As we all know restaurants are closed so that won't be happening. Patty and I will just have to light some candles, put on Kathy's music and have a toast to my sweet darling girl. I know "It is what it is." but I feel so funky. My own business has pretty much ground to a halt since I can't even get shipments of materials to make frames since it all comes out of California and our suppliers have shut down. As Kathy would always say "It will work out" and I believe that. I can always go to work at Maui Pasta because thankfully we are still busy with take out. A customer came in to pick up a fifty dollar order and gave a two hundred dollar tip for our employees. You just have to love people. Sometimes bad things bring out the best in us. That is something that warms my heart in this very unsettling time. My thoughts are with all of you for I know how hard it is to deal with this pandemic while we still have grief in our lives. Hold on to each other and remember that love is still the most important thing... in this life AND on the other side.
  8. Gwen Patty is doing well having moved her here from Maui. You have to really love someone to leave Hawaii for Arizona. The restaurant Maui Pasta is alive and in Scottsdale for two years now and we are getting busier all of the time. Kathy of course is my bride who passed in 2011 and Patty's husband Ron is as Kathy, still in our hearts and will be for all of time. Good to see you all again and I promise to stop in m ore often. By the way, Patty and I have been exploring the science of the spirit world (and I am serious when I call it science for we mortals are learning more all the time about life after death and communication with the other side. We attended a seminar at the Omega Institute las year in upstate New York about communication with our loves who are still with us. Oh yes indeed...signs you learn to recognize. I would strongly recommend reading books by Michael Newton such as "Life Between Lives" and read about how he came to study this topic as a counselor over many years. Although he has passed to that other life his institute goes on and Psychologists who have trained there can be found all around the world by going to their website. Good to see your words Kay. I miss all of you.
  9. Jenn once again I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I sent you a message with the contact info but here it is again. The name of the medium I have seen several times and Patty has as well. Her name is Melinda Vail and her phone number is (480) 755-0222. Her address is 7560 Willow Dr. in Tempe. It can take a couple of months to get an appointment but you can be on a waiting list as I did which gets you in earlier when there is a cancelation. Good luck and for what it's worth, she is for real.
  10. Thank you dear ladies. I regret I have not had the time to come here very often as my work and that of Maui Pasta has been quite demanding yet I will spend more time here in the future. Until then I hope all our members continue supporting this grief sanctuary in any way possible for it has saved my life and well may save yours. Marty your tiresome devotion to all of us is beyond,,,, way beyond inspirational. And we thank you.
  11. Simply put....No. Today marks the ninth year after Kathy left and I have discovered that I really hate this day. No matter how much time has passed you always remember. All of those horrible days at the end, they just come back. Even though I am married again and to the most lovely soul I could ever have come to meet, I will always love Kathy and Patty will always love Ron. His demark day comes in just five more days so we share this week and hold on to each other. She asked me yesterday if I was OK. It is truly a blessing to have her in my life because we share that feeling and care about how we both feel and love who we have lost. I am writing this because I know that so many others are going through time without the love they had and I want to express how important it is to go on living. They would never want us not to for we live in honor of the lives they had and keep them dear to our hearts. Hard as it is we must keep going and look for how we can better our lives and those around us who suffer too. I always said I could never marry again for I lost the one true soul mate I had. I said once that it would not be fair to be in another relationship and keep the memory of my lost wife in my home and thoughts. The thing is that when you meet someone who "gets it" and shares what you had everything changes in that. You realize that it is indeed possible to love two people at the same time. Maybe I am just blessed, I don't know, but there it is. I didn't have to give Kathy up or hide my feelings. I just wish I could forget the suffering at the end. That brave girl who had more courage than anyone I had ever known is one thing I won't forget and that my friends is a good thing to remember. No matter how many years pass and even though the pain lessens, keep going. It is the one thing you can do to make purpose of your life. If you can help just one person in any way then wasn't that a good reason to keep trying? I knew from the beginning that there had to be a reason I was still here and she had gone. I held on to that thought as I discovered ways to give back life for all it had given me. If you think the pain ends one day, better think again. That pain is what makes us better souls. It reminds us that we give a damn and in some ways that makes me feel better. Kathy made me a better person just for knowing and living with her. It's the least I can do. I want to express to all of you that we ourselves are grief counselors in that we can help the new lost souls with our own survival and lessons we learned on the way. I would like to thinks that is one way we can make a difference by staying alive.
  12. Thank you my friends. It gives us comfort knowing people care. This event has changed our lives for I never had to deal with robbery before and I have been on this planet for some time now. Now we have alarms and several security cameras installed with technology only Patty can understand.😊 I often hear how people feel violated when this happens and for some reason it just doesn't affect me that way. Stuff is just stuff as Kathy would always say and those personal items? Well I still have a lot more. The gold whale flukes of Kathy's that I wear around my neck had the chain break not long ago and was just sitting on my dresser.They overlooked it which brought me joy amidst all of this. So you look at the bright side and cherish your fortune. Life is too short to allow this to get in the way. I am so not the man I was years ago.
  13. Things don't always go great though because while we are doing better we went out to dinner to celebrate Kathy's birthday two weeks ago and the next morning we woke at 4 to go to work finding our garage door opened. We don't forget to close it at night but we thought that must have been the case. As it turned out someone must have been driving through neighborhoods testing an opener to see if one could work and so later that day when we were working someone entered through the garage door and robbed us. Sadly they took all the jewelry which included Kathy's watches and cosmetic jewelry and Patty's as well. They took cameras and a little cash which was enough to carry away quickly. We can never replace the personal things that were given to Patty by her mom and grandmother no matter what the insurance does and that is the sad thing. People can be so nasty. It isn't the money but the sentimental value. And what did they get but a few thousand dollars that they could not realize would bring nothing in a sale. I still keep the expensive stuff where no other soul but Patty and I could find. Never in my life have I been robbed but it is an experience that takes away your sense of security. Now we have cameras all over the house since the police say it is best but what a way to live and we are even walking distance of a police station. I know Kathy would say it's just stuff but it hits me kind of hard because a lot of who she was.... left that day. To come home and find her urn thrown on the bed gets me. Thank goodness they didn't take that too. Guess it's time to buy my bride something to wear when we go out. 💖
  14. While we haven't had much time to post I just wanted to update how Maui Pasta may be seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Last week Patty was featured on a morning show at a local TV station cooking for a spot advertising the Italian Festival in Scottsdale this past weekend. It happened to coincide with the third anniversary of Ron's death which was not an easy time for Patty but we were so busy cooking and transporting food that she had little time to reflect. I only know for certain that he was smiling with love seeing her succeed keeping the dream alive. It's a dream so beautiful it fills my soul with joy. We now have some evenings with a full restaurant as we approach our first full year of being open. I can't tell you how proud I was watching her from the shadows at that television studio. She truly is a brave girl. And by the way as it says on her menu "If it's not made with love, it's not Italian food." That was Ron's motto. 20190228_071500_662473685524800.mp4
  15. Happy Birthday Ron! Your dream, Maui Pasta, lives on but of course you know that. You would be 59 today, far to young to have left but may your soul be filled with joy knowing your bride is keeping that dream alive....and that she is safe. Sometimes the tears still fall but today we celebrate your life. You are indeed one of the few good men to have walked this earth..
  16. I hope that this woman knows that her message went viral, and is being appreciated in the United States. Love, condolences, and many thanks to the people who shared this bit of humanity. We are better people for sharing this. 3:52 PM - Oct 18,This note was left on the gate at the water this afternoon. No name or number left but rest assured your rose is in place in the middle of the lake. 2018
  17. Something I have wanted to share and see if others have similar feelings. I have always felt that Kathy was traveling the universe ever since she left. I felt it inside with no proof or reason. I just felt it and the connection with the song Drops of Jupiter by Train was so powerful and resonated inside me from the earliest days of my griefs journey. Patty shared with me from our earliest conversations how souls gather between lives. It is not to everyone's belief I know but at her recommendation I began to read the works of Michael Newton, a psychologist who used hypnosis to take patience back to earlier lives and their life between lives. If you believe souls incarnate then read on. I know that many follow a different faith and that is understood but I know deep inside after all that has occurred between myself and Kathy after she left which makes it so easy to accept. In his works Newton touches upon soul mates and how they connect in other lives. It is likely that we have more than one soul mate and that is where Patty and I come in. The connection between Patty and I and Kathy and Ron causes me to consider this to be the case. There are many studies about past lives and I know it is a developing topic that we mortals can begin to understand if never to fully know the truth but I have felt from the very beginning of my relationship with Patty that this was bigger than us. Much bigger. Patty and I were drawn to a star in the eastern sky that we always looked at for reasons I can't explain but as it turned out this star named Capella which looks like one star to the naked eye is in fact two sets of binary stars which in pair revolve around each other. We think of the four of us and so it has become our star. Our very special star. Marty if you find this topic innapropriate please remove it for I know it is a sensitive subject. That is why I placed it in New Beginnings. Also as a disclaimer I in no way am saying anyone should agree. I just wanted to express how I feel and what makes Patty and I who we are.
  18. So hard. So very hard. Our hearts are with you Katie. Please visit often. There are a lot of caring people here.
  19. Sometimes we find purpose when we could not see it before. ipswitch you have the courage to see beyond and that is a very, very important thing. We take baby steps till we get our footing.
  20. I promise you Kay, you won't leave hungry. 😊
  21. I had the most wonderful experience last night that makes all the hard work so worthwhile. Thanks to an article in the Arizona Republic and Gazette that came out about our restaurant we saw a huge increase in customers. The heading was "Italian restaurant's story combines love, pasta" which told the story of a dream "Ron's dream", and how through loss came love and a new beginning. People reacted and came to see the story in real time. While serving tables I was stopped by some people who asked if I was the owner. I stated that no I just married the cook. It took ten minutes of listening to their praise of the food and service which left me with a feeling I cannot describe. People came to see how a love between Patty and I could have happened. They affirmed my belief that people thrive on a love story more than politics or world affairs. Perhaps this country still has more love in it's heart than hate. Perhaps there is still hope for a future which seemed so uncertain and full of fear. "All you need is love" John Lennon I will never understand why Kathy and Ron had to die so young but I do know that they led us to each other and with their love for us came a new beginning, just keeping the dream alive.
  22. Thank you Anne and everyone of our friends here. I wish I could describe the powerful and emotional time our three days off were. It sure has been a while since we woke up on our own without that 4 am alarm. Being in a cabin on a mountain could not have been more peaceful and rejuvenating.
  23. They do have ways Maryann. I'm so sorry for you having lost your friend. Losses seem to come with so much more powerful an affect when we have had such a major loss in our lives. I think that every time we lose something that connects us to our departed loves we feel that loss so much more because what is gone can never be brought back. And we know that too well. Patty and I are thinking of you and even though you have come so far on your journey it still seems like a mountain yet to climb. Hang in there friend. Each day is one of growth and you are moving in the right direction. Even if we don't know which way we are heading, it has to be better than where we were.
  24. We all know that they would not want to see us live on in sorrow and despair but yes it still is the hardest thing we can do. You do it in time. One day at a time. My own evolution in grief was to discover who Kathy truly was first . Then I was able to start examining who I was. You do a lot of soul searching over the years but when you begin to focus on yourself you find your path. By my fifth year I was so content to live out the rest of my life alone for you see I would never be truly alone. I had my children and grandchildren not to mention friends I have met along my grief's journey. Friends I would never have met had she not died. Then like George you begin to find a desire to do something. You formulate new dreams. And still I took Kathy with me every step of the way. The best part is that she still travels with me. It was only when I began to live my life once more was I able to connect with Patty. We take the love we have for Kathy and Ron right along with us wherever we go and whatever we do. I for one am excited to have been able to be part of Ron's dream....the survival of Maui Pasta. In that restaurant lives testimony to both Ron and Kathy. They surround us. They are part of the whole deal and we love them still and for all of time. Let's face it. Our time on this planet is limited. What a shame to not do something when we can. Just to help offer support to a friend proves why we are better off here than not. Imagine what may come of our presence here. Perhaps we can even help to save our planet. It doesn't take much to have an effect on others. All you have to do is walk out that front door. "To strive to be a better person" is a beautiful topic and I hope this thread will become an important one here. Along with our grief and pain we can learn how to find hope. And don't worry if you cannot see it now. Time will take care of that and your love will be with you every step of the way.
  25. "I can make his death as complicated as I want to, but really it is simple. Mike died. I didn't." Staci Sulin Powerful blog she wrote Marty. Many of us can get something from this. A few years back on this site I wrote that I had had an epiphany. I realized I was no longer Steve and Kathy. I was simply just Steve. That night I knew my life was changing. The grief doesn't end but the path I took in my life changed me for the future. I could go on living even if it were to be alone. How little did I know what was yet to come.
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