Unrecognizable

Wow, Bunny'sMom hit it right on the head. I ditto every word said. I've had to put down several beloved pets over the years. Even when I know it is the right thing to do for them, it kills me, and I hate having to be responsible for that decision. I hate myself for not being a better parent, even though I was a great parent and loved my pets more then I loved my humans. I care for my pets like little babies and they're just spoiled rotten. I have a hard time letting go. Some how punishing myself it tribute to them. I know that doesn't make since at all, but that is how my mind works. I grieve a long time if I have to put an animal down, much longer then if God takes them with old age. Seems like it's all in our perspective. I'm so sorry for you loss, and I hope you find peace. As Bunny's Mom said, "Be kind to yourself". We are our so hard on ourselves, even when we do our best. PS have you visited the Rainbow Bridge site? It's lovely, for pet owners only.

Dear Sweetheart, I am so very sorry to hear of your great losses. It is a very harsh road you are traveling. People, sadly, "don't get it". Seems there are a handful that do. My husband died in an accident July 2010, and I'm still messed up. I had several deaths occur in a short amount of time, and it really leaves you wondering.... I wish I had something to tell you that would make you feel better, but we're on the same journey I think. I haven't worked since he died, I have no desire to do anything at all, I sleep late and never feel rested, I look in the mirror and don't recognize the person I see. All the deaths seem to pile up on me, and it shows. I'm worn out. I have no trust anymore. I'm always worried about the people I have left in my life. I think I've given myself an ulcer actually. Gotta go to the docs to check it out. Any way, two years and one month have not fixed me yet. I have lately been trying to accept that no one is going to help me. Seems like the more I reach out for support, the more people avoid me. It's like I died when he died. I feel invisible and unimportant to people. I've now been educated on the harshest true of humanity, most people...just don't care and don't get it and are living in the world of the living. I guess I am living in the world of the dead. My husband's brother committed suicide 11 months before my husband drowned, my uncle died 4 months after my husband of bone cancer, and just a few weeks ago another family member passed away. I have to find a way to get back in the world of the living and maybe you do too? I don't know about you, but I've pretty much been a recluse for two years. I go out when I have to, but I don't mix much with people. All my friends are busy, and no one wants to help me, not in the way I wants to be helped. What I really want...if I'm honest...I want someone to hold me and love me and pull me out of this nightmare of merely existing. I wonder when will I die?? I don't feel safe anymore. I don't feel secure. I feel very, very alone in this world, for the first time in my life. I've been a strong, independent woman my whole life. I just got married in Dec. 2008 at the age of 39, so I wasn't married long enough to have gotten use to it, but after he died it changed my life, it changed me, and I'm not comfortable with either of those things, but I can't seem to go back to the ME I knew. After two years, I'm starting to think I may never be ME again. I really feel for you. I wish I could meet you and hang out with you and talk with you, having people on the computer is nice, but it certainly does not replace human contact with one who understands. I haven't found anyone in person who understands, and I don't think I will. I'm gonna have to rebuild myself and not sure how. I think you must too. Anyway, All my heartfelt prayers for you, and across the universe, where ever you are....know that people are out there who care, even if we're just on the computer. I hope we both get thru this, and come out stronger on the other side of our tragedies. Hugs

Wow, I agree Liz. I hope my loved ones, including my husband, are not watching me. They'd be very upset if they were. It would not make them happy or pleased to see me in the state that I've been in since my husband died, over two years ago. Our marriage was such that I wish I could go back and undo the whole thing. It was a mistake, but he died before I left him. He drowned so it was totally out of left field. It's been a long and ugly nightmare. I just try no to think about it. I try to get on with my life. None of that is working though. I think the guilt of knowing I was going to leave him is messing me up. It was no secret though. I had told him I was leaving, and my parents, and my friends, so I'm not sure why I feel so bad about it. If he was here now, I'd still be leaving. I guess it is tough to move past greif when you have mixed feeling about he one who died. Any thoughts on that Liz?

I say date away, if you feel ready you are ready, but use caution, you are vulnerable, keep that in mind. Personally, I wouldn't worry about what judgements my friends might have about it. My husband died over 2 years ago, I haven't dated, but I want to, seems things have changed while I was away being all married. If it makes YOU happy, do it, and don't give a care about if "others" are ready, this is your life and you have to live it how you see fit. I wish you success and happiness.

I'm 43 now. Met my husband when I was 37, and married at 39, he died when I was 41. 11 months before that his brother, who was 39 committed suicide, and just 4.5 months after my husband died my uncle died. Death, Death, Death. There have been so many others since then, there is no point in listing them all. But to answer the question, yes, I seem constantly aware of my death at some point, and my elderly parents deaths, which will probably be soon rather then later considering they're 78 years old. I'm so sick of it. I don't try to think about it, but my mind seems fixed on a few things since my husband accidently drowned, was missing for two days, and his body found in the water. This is how little I thought of death (before he died)...the whole time he was missing I never once thought he was dead, and while others were very concerned, I was thinking to myself "how paranoid these people are, he's a big boy, he can take care of himself." When I got he phone call I fell on the floor, and when I say that it seem over dramatic, but I remember thinking to myself at the time that I feel on the floor..."wow, people really do fall on the floor." It's all so horrible, and I haven't gotten past any of it. I haven't lived since he died. I am alive. I exist. But there is nothing more. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. Nothing seems of any value or effort any more. It's been over 2 years, and I'm still not me. At this point I don't believe I will ever be the me I know and love, again. I actually miss me. And this thing, that is supposedly me now, is unacceptable. I actually wish that I had never met him. I'm sure that sounds horrible, but I'm being honest. However, we can never change the past, althought I would like to get a labotomy and have it erased so I can be happy and satisfied with this life again. Yes, death, just around the corner, my husband was only 46, and we didn't have wills yet, so after he died the hell was just beginning. My life was not my own until Dec 2011. That is how long it took to go thru probate. The beaurocracy kicks in the moment someone dies. Everyone wants money. No one wants to assist a poor widow. Friends and family suddenly become strangers, and "oh so busy". When I was a teen one of our favorite expressions was "life sucks, and then you die", of course I had no idea what I was saying then, but I do now, and now I believe it. Personally, I feel like I'm just waiting for death. I don't choose to be this way, and this is not at all who I was, I had such a zest for life. I guess I feel stabbed in the back now, and it all seems so futile, and worthless. I don't know what the point is. I guess I never did before either, but then, it didn't seem to matter, was never even a question I had considered. Now it matters. What is the point of this life? Sorry to go on. Yes, I think about death. Sometimes I think it would be a relief. Other times I'm not ready to die yet. I was never a wishy washy person, always very decisive, now look at me, I'm ruined. One guy dies and I'm ruined. Yeap, that's me thinking about death. Perhaps, some day, my brain will get off this kick and think on something else, I do keep trying, but it's just not working yet. I wish you all the luck and love in this world. God bless and keep you strong.