I'm 43 now. Met my husband when I was 37, and married at 39, he died when I was 41. 11 months before that his brother, who was 39 committed suicide, and just 4.5 months after my husband died my uncle died. Death, Death, Death. There have been so many others since then, there is no point in listing them all.
But to answer the question, yes, I seem constantly aware of my death at some point, and my elderly parents deaths, which will probably be soon rather then later considering they're 78 years old. I'm so sick of it. I don't try to think about it, but my mind seems fixed on a few things since my husband accidently drowned, was missing for two days, and his body found in the water. This is how little I thought of death (before he died)...the whole time he was missing I never once thought he was dead, and while others were very concerned, I was thinking to myself "how paranoid these people are, he's a big boy, he can take care of himself." When I got he phone call I fell on the floor, and when I say that it seem over dramatic, but I remember thinking to myself at the time that I feel on the floor..."wow, people really do fall on the floor."
It's all so horrible, and I haven't gotten past any of it. I haven't lived since he died. I am alive. I exist. But there is nothing more. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. Nothing seems of any value or effort any more.
It's been over 2 years, and I'm still not me. At this point I don't believe I will ever be the me I know and love, again. I actually miss me. And this thing, that is supposedly me now, is unacceptable.
I actually wish that I had never met him. I'm sure that sounds horrible, but I'm being honest. However, we can never change the past, althought I would like to get a labotomy and have it erased so I can be happy and satisfied with this life again.
Yes, death, just around the corner, my husband was only 46, and we didn't have wills yet, so after he died the hell was just beginning. My life was not my own until Dec 2011. That is how long it took to go thru probate. The beaurocracy kicks in the moment someone dies. Everyone wants money. No one wants to assist a poor widow. Friends and family suddenly become strangers, and "oh so busy".
When I was a teen one of our favorite expressions was "life sucks, and then you die", of course I had no idea what I was saying then, but I do now, and now I believe it.
Personally, I feel like I'm just waiting for death. I don't choose to be this way, and this is not at all who I was, I had such a zest for life. I guess I feel stabbed in the back now, and it all seems so futile, and worthless. I don't know what the point is. I guess I never did before either, but then, it didn't seem to matter, was never even a question I had considered. Now it matters. What is the point of this life?
Sorry to go on. Yes, I think about death. Sometimes I think it would be a relief. Other times I'm not ready to die yet. I was never a wishy washy person, always very decisive, now look at me, I'm ruined. One guy dies and I'm ruined. Yeap, that's me thinking about death. Perhaps, some day, my brain will get off this kick and think on something else, I do keep trying, but it's just not working yet.
I wish you all the luck and love in this world. God bless and keep you strong.