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Natasha

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  • Posts

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About Natasha

  • Birthday 10/17/1980

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    July 29, 2012
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Toronto, Ontario
  1. I'm the baby of the family, and I SO get what you are saying. My sisters seem to have a better grip on the death of our mom and I find its harder every single day. What's been helping me is writing, I journal at least once a day. From how I'm feeling, who I saw, what I ate and what I miss about my mom or just memories. It hurts as you write, but you get it off your chest. *big hugs* I saw a therapist last week, and she said replace the bad or upsetting memories of the last time you saw your parent, with a better one. So I look at the picture of my mom I have on a locket whenever I see her in my mind, how she was when I found her dead. That image wouldn't leave until I replaced it with a better one. Hope that helps a bit.
  2. I know a lot of people don't know what to say. I have a few neighbors that can't even look at me or haven't came by, because they just don't know how to deal or what to say. My biggest challenge is to not be alone. I have agoraphobia and anxiety, mom was my coach. So dealing with that AND the grief has been awful. I miss her so much, and its little things, like a companion for morning coffee or the I love you too before bed, thats what hurts.
  3. One day at a time right? Today is better then yesterday but I still hate being alone in the apartment.

  4. Natasha how are you today??I hope you are ok. I hope and pray that time will help us all. take care friend.

  5. Any time anyone asks me about how I feel, all I can conjure is this sucks. I should actually get it tattoo'd on me. Spent 4 hours alone in the apartment today, and got through it. Had a few cry moments with the silence aka absence of my moms voice but I did it.
  6. 4 weeks ago, I said my last few words to my mom before I lost her. She was sitting in her favorite chair rubbing her chest and watching the olympics. I asked if she was okay and she replied it was only indigestion. I told her I was going to take a nap and I'd see her in an hour and that I loved her. An hour later, I found her laying on the couch and gone. She'd had a massive heart attack and went in her sleep. I am greatful for that. But of course I have moments of "what if", even though it's too late for that. I'm the "baby" sister at almost 32 and have lived with mom my entire life, while my sisters are much older in their late 40's and early 50's. For them, they lost mom. For me, I lost my mom, my best friend, my confidant and my companion. Last year mom had minor surgery and I became so afraid that she'd die, I developed intense agoraphobia and anxiety. For 3 months I couldn't leave our apartment. I've been making progress since then, but now since she died I feel like I'm back at square one but alone. I am by no means "alone" I have 3 older sisters, a fiance and great friends and neighbors but it's not the same. I've never lived alone, and now I am living in our apartment without mom. I can handle small spats (3 hours) of being alone, but the silence without her breaks my heart. I've had to have someone in the family stay with me overnight and if they couldn't, I stay over at my neighbors. I tried staying overnight alone last week and I just kept picturing her the way I found her and had to stay at my neighbors. Today is the first day I have been without a family member, it sucks. People keep asking me how I'm feeling and really all I can say is that this sucks. It truly sucks, I miss my mom so much and now in hindsight I realize that I depended on her a bit too much. But at the same time, I am glad that I got to spend so much time with her. I find that I cry at "weird" moments, the first 2 weeks I cried constantly and could hardly eat. Now, I cry when I am journaling or I see a commerical that reminds me of her. I can't bring myself to watch anything she did, or listen to music she loved. I'm doing better then I was, but this just hurts so much and it DOES suck.
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