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Pink08

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  1. Hello, let me ask a question. If he wants to get back together because he loves me, thinks we can work, and wants to get married someday to me, but is afraid to for fear that he will have doubts again about being ready to settle down, which of these two options is best?: 1. Break up - maybe get together later if/when he feels ready to settle down or knows I'm "the one" 2. Try again - start slowly with a councelor and try our best to make things work by getting to know each other again as if starting a new relationship without he pressure yet of being engaged until we/he feels ready and if it doesn't work break up Which one has the best chance for long-term success? -Pink08
  2. Hi KayC, My SO called me as was expected at the two week mark during our second month of "space". He says he wants to get back together, but again, he's afraid he could get nervous again and hurt both of us. He said his fears are about him being ready to settle down and get married because he knows marriage means being together constantly and loss of some freedom. He is very much aware that we can't just jump back into things - last time that just made things worse. He said he will call me this Friday to let me know for sure if he's all in or not to work on us. I think part of his fear was that he assumed he would basically have to propose right away after getting back together. I informed him that if we decide to get back together,I'm not comfortable being "engaged" right away no matter what other people think. I feel that we'd have to start slow and get to know each other again and see how it goes. I also want us to see a psychologist to help with the process, and he is aware of my list of "must haves" and wants to work towards them. The thing is, it's just really difficult for me to put myself out there with the knowledge that I might be hurt, again. I'm scared that I will let my guard down, feel convinced I can trust him completely, and it just might not work out. My family and friends have seen my pain and don't think I should give him another chance. However, deep inside, I feel like I want it to work. I feel that during this space, I've been trying to convince myself that I can find someone else that will love me and never doubt settling down. But whenever my SO and I talk whether its on the phone or in person, both of us feel that we want to make it work. We've talked about whether getting together is just comfortable, but neither of us thinks that's the case. I'm also worried slightly about judgements from our family and friends, but who knows, maybe it will work now if we slowly get to know each other again? It's so easy to "badmouth" him when I think we're done, but yet so easy to see his positives too and want to make things work. I'm just really scared. Part of me also doesn't want to go through any emotinoal variation this might cause. At the same time, I feel that giving up is the easy way out. Neither of us is willing to "give up" the other yet. Do you or anyone else have advice? It's hard because I know each situation is different. I've been praying like crazy about this as well as being an individual and living my own life...which I will not stop doing though anyway no matter what happens. Shall I let God guide my sail? If he's bringing my SO back to me, do we have a chance? I know full well that if I allow us to go for it, I may be crushed again, posting my distress on this site. Isn't it true too, that if we don't put ourselves out there, we won't know what can happen? Bah. If only I knew how I'd feel a year from now so I'd know whether to drop this now or try again... If we end up trying again, does anyone have advice on how to slowly rebuild a relationship? Does anyone have a positive experience with this sort of thing working out? -Pink08
  3. Hi KayC, I look up to you in that you are being true to yourself despite his attempts to "make it work with you". If he doesn't have the actions or motivation to back up what he's saying - he doesn't have what it takes to win you and stay by your side. -Pink08
  4. Hi KayC, Yes, it definately is a learning experience. I just met with him yesterday after our month break. He said he really missed me and he almost cried. He is frustrated at himself for having doubts and wishes he could look forward to our wedding right now. He said "What's wrong with me?" and apologized for the mess we're in. We had a really great discussion. He thinks his doubts do not have to do with me, but with the sudden reality check of real life and all the responsibilities included. He said he feels the way he did when he wanted to get back with me last time...don't worry, I didn't just take him back. He did admit his emotions are still a bit up and down, but through the course of a month, he started missing me for me more and more. I discussed with him that if we'd get back together, he'd have to be all in. That means we'd be seriously dating and he'd eventually propose again when he felt it was right. We'd have a lot to work on - and I specified what those things would be by sharing with him my list of what I want in a future husband. I also would want us to go to couples therapy. We decided to do another month break because he's moving into his new place in a couple weeks - which would give him time to settle into his new place and surroundings. This time, he will only contact me twice during the month. He will not date others because he's trying to deal with his own issues right now, while I may casually date others if I choose to do so. We will both work on ourselves this month. After the month is over, we'll either start our relationship again by building up a strong foundation, or break up if he still feels unsure. If he ends up wanting to get back together after that, it could possibly happen, but it's hard to know. I will see how this month progresses, and see how our next meeting goes as well. I may update you then. I think another month will help him see if he really does want to totally go for it. He knows if the doubts creep up again, we're done. -Pink08
  5. Hi KayC, Yup, my fiance did the same thing as I may have said in my original message. He was the one who wanted to date, said "I love you" first, instigated the first kiss, asked to marry me, and wanted to move in together. I always thought that meant he cared more than I because it took more time before I reached each of those points. It seems actions speak louder than words. Although he said these things, his lack of motivation to make our relationship strong should have told me something. I felt like I was the one doing most of the work, and I made excuses to myself and told myself that's what a realationship is like (he's my first official boyfriend)... some of it was probably ignorance. I think about everything I do, and mean every promise I make or emotion that I show. Apparently saying those things first or acting that way first doesn't mean he's ready. That's actually been one thing on my mind I keep asking - how could he seem so ready, but now not be ready? I think he was jumping into things during our whole relationship, hoping things would fall into place. Yup, marriage is real, and so is moving in together - it goes further than regular, even serious dating. Right - the fallout - I feel that if this reality check didn't happen now, it would happen later during marriage with possibly a house and kids to divy up and sort out which would make this a hundred times worse. I'm definately trying to look at the situation through my parents' and friends' eyes. My family, I think, thought he wasn't putting his all into our relationship - which he wasn't. My friends have tended to be more forgiving with stuff he's done since our engagement - but even they now are telling me this situation is just not good at all. They care about me and worry about me. I made a list today of stuff that I don't like about him - that he's done, how he's treated me, and some things he has said. I also made a list of "must haves" for my SI no matter who he is. I thought my fiance checked off almost everything...but this craziness since spring has made me realize he now doesn't check most of the boxes. I just wonder if what I'm seeing now is really him or a phase that's a reality check for him? Maybe it doesn't even matter because if he acts this way whenever there's uncertainty or a problem, I can't deal with it. Maybe I will take the list of what I want with me when I see him and talk about each part, and how he has succeeded in unchecking many of the boxes these past few months. I don't know. Pray it all works out okay and we part peacefully for now. The only way I'd consider otherwise is if he suddenly knows he wants me because he misses who I am and how I fulfill his life - this is probably 99.9% unlikely
  6. Hi, Kay - It's strange since he has always been the one to bring up marriage and getting a place together. I guess it really became reality when we became engaged. Once we got a place together, he shut down, and couldn't bear living in the same area. Now I'm a true believer in living together before marriage; I used to be nervous and more conservative in that respect. Now, I think it really indicates whether or not the other person wants to or can live with you. I'm so glad we did...or at least tried. Because he was trying to escape, I realize he's not the one for me. Apparently guys need a reality check...the sooner the better! It makes me wonder though, if he will ever regret pulling away and not going forward with this. He is apathetic by nature; he isn't a hard worker at all; life kinda just happens to him although he has a nice job and graduated with his doctorate. Being intelligent has caused his apathy I think because he didn't have to try. Now since he knows he'd have to work to make us work, it seems he doesn't have the motivation...I think he loves me but not enough. I will check out that book. Yeah, I think an emotional affair is fitting to what happened. It really worries me because I trusted him more than anyone else in my life. If we would have married next June as was our original plan, I'd be scared that he may do something like it again. I really don't think he wants to hurt me. He's a "good guy", but he's made poor decisions. I really need someone who will be there for me no matter what - and let me know it constantly. I want my happiness to make him happy...that's how I felt about him. He felt horrible for pursuing the coworker, but that really erodes trust, and he's not really fighting for me right now. I don't want to date someone who will not stick up for me or be my "man". During his times hanging out with her to talk about us - which I didn't appreciate of course - he came over once, the Monday I refer to, and told me everything he disliked about me. He realized later he was just trying to blame me for his insecurities, but I felt so wounded and shocked that he would ever talk to me or treat me that way. Luckily now after all this time, I'm finally coming to my senses. I'm actually grateful that we didn't go through with getting married next June because I'm sure our relationship would be shaky and tainted. It tells me a lot too that I had to find his messages to have him tell me the truth. Before, he had only said he talked to a female coworker about it because he didn't have anyone else to talk to...that may be the case but there's so much more than that. I think he's confused and doesn't understand himself at all right now. He started flirting with another girl, running away from me, breaking multiple promises to me, etc. How can I ever learn to trust him again if he does come back after I end things officially this weekend? I'm terrified I will break down - I need to be strong and stand up for myself. It's just that my heart still flutters after so many years being near him or hearing his voice. However, I know that he doesn't feel the same way - not now, maybe he never will again. Maybe he never reaaaally loved me as I love him. I believe you - I think next year I will reflext on this and feel happy it happened. Hopefully, I'm dating a great guy by then who blows my fiance/boyfriend/ex out of the water!
  7. Hi Lily, Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is the most similar situation I have found in a discussion forum to mine - which makes me feel much better. I just posted a new topic where I share my situation - would you mind giving your two cents? These boys don't deserve mature, loving, giving, and strong women like us. We have wonderful lives to lead - let's move on without those who are not ready to be a man and stick by our sides! I truly do not think these men really love us if they put us through such crap - they're only worried about themselves and string us along...even if they don't mean to. I think both of our FIs are probably good people, but they have made bad choices to try to deal with their emotions - and their bad choices result in serious consequences. We should be someone's priority, not their option. Let me know if you'd like to share frustrations! -Pink08
  8. I'm just looking for some support and sharing of similar experiences so I don't feel alone :/ Does anyone have suggestions as to how to deal with this and how to deal with my emotions right now? Thanks! It feels good just typing this out... My situation doesn't have to do with death - but I guess I know it's the death of my 6-year long relationship with my FI. He asked me to marry him last September - it's been about a year now. All was well until he proposed. My FI started questioning things I do and asking me if I'd "always do that" etc. He would sometimes get quarrelsome or say that he thought of the two of us, I'd leave him at the alter. Around that time I was a bit nervous about the commitment, but that was because I was wrapping my mind around marriage and preparing myself for it. Anyway, it turned out he had some doubts because one day I sent him a frustrated text since he was visiting one of his friends and I wanted him to see me too that weekend since it was on the way to where I was. He sent me an angry text that he wouldn't come see me and he was having doubts. He declared right then and there no communication for the entire weekend. I actually got in my car and drove to his friend's house to talk to him and he was furious. We talked for ten minutes and he had transformed into a young man I never knew existed...full of anger, withdrawal, and pain that I did not cause. I went home, and he visited me the next Monday. Instead of having a conversation, he came over and told me every thing he disliked about me. Talk about difficult to endure...then he left and wouldn't listen to me. He declared two more weeks of no contact and it hurt so much I thought I was going to die. He was my best friend and closest confident - I was closer to him than anyone else, and I was shocked and brutally hurt that he, of all people, could be so rash, uncaring, and selfish. It turns out he had had doubts before as well once in a while starting junior year of college - why on Earth didn't he tell me about them? Maybe we could have saved ourselves years and more pain?! After the two weeks, he came over to break up with me. However, I was very logical with him, and talked with him about what we could do to improve our relationship. He left with out breaking up with me, and then came back that Thursday to tell me he was sorry and had made a big mistake. I of course was so happy to have him that I accepted him with open arms. After two weeks of bliss though, I found a Facebook message on his Facebook account he had left open by accident. It turns out there was more involved with the coworker he had told me he talked to to figure out if he should make it work with me. In the message, my FI had flirted with her as he use to with me, and told her she was his type. He then proceeded to tell her he was interested in her if he and I broke up. In the conversation, she denied that she was interested in him and told him he should try to make it work with me. And he did - that's why he came over that Thursday,I think. A part of me believes him that he went to her only for advice because his guy friends don't talk about that kind of stuff. But, why would he seek out a female he was attracted to? Even if he originally intended to only get advice, it turned into flirting and went emotionally too far in my opinion. They had met two or three times to play tennis, one time for ice cream, and once to talk at a restaurant. When I found this out, I was livid, and met with him to talk it out. In my mind I would think "danger!" and not try to get advice from someone I thought of as a potential romantic interest! Did he think one second about me? He said he wasn't looking for attraction but it happened - again, he has his own mind, right? He must not have cared enough about me to prevent getting too close to her. After we talked, we both shared that we wanted to make it work. I'm a forgiving person who gives people the benefit of the doubt. So, the next two months were great although I had occasional panic attacks when I'd ask him if he still had feelings for her, etc. He denied any feelings for her, but there had to be something if he was flirting and said he was interested in her. I started religiously checking his phone and computer search history when he wasn't looking - he had said he wouldn't contact her unless for work. He was true to his word, although I disliked that she texted him with silly stuff that happened at work once in a while. Anyway, I hated that I was so suspicious. I hated every moment of checking his phone and computer - feeling like a villain, but also feeling that I could no longer trust him. Once you feel betrayed, it's extremely hard to let it go. I couldn't help but wonder if he still was interested in her and if he wished she wanted to date him - would that mean he'd dump me then? It just didn't seem like I was the priority. I don't think I've ever truly been his priority except for the first few months we dated. After those two months, we finally moved in together as we had originally planned although I told him he might want to get his own place first since he had never had his own place before. We moved in, and right around that time, he started distancing himself from me. He'd play computer games when I was at home, and only would hang out a small amount of time with me each day. He didn't want to be physical at all because he said he felt awkward. It was horrible living with someone who obviously didn't want to be in the same living space. Before I could break it off out of frustration, we talked, and I suggested he move to his parents' until he could get his own place. He did, with no complaint. Now, I have time to myself because I requested a month of doing our own thing to see if he could figure his stuff out. He has called me once a week because that was our deal, and we are to meet next weekend to talk about things. I know his feelings haven't changed. He feels like he isn't ready to settle down and he needs to live the single life for a while to figure stuff out. We've both been hanging on, hoping he would come around but he's not. When we meet, I will tell him we need to take a break and both be single for a while. I can't deal with this anymore. I previously thought we could do an in-between thing and go on dates once a week or something, but that's ludicrous - I deserve a boyfriend at least who will play the part of a boyfriend. I know I have to let him go for now. I don't know if he will come back, but even if he does, I don't know if I will be open to starting new again. Over this month, I've become stronger every day. I still have my rough spots, but I've been rediscovering myself and what I want in life and love. It also hurts to know he isn't trying to hurt me and he still says he loves me - I just don't think his love is the kind of love I feel for him. Really when I think about it, my FI hasn't been that great of a boyfriend. I don't think he loves me for me and I am not his priority when in my case, he was my priority and I loved him for him. He has broken promises and shrugged them off. He should have been fighting for me all along and making me feel loved beyond a doubt. Anyway, he is not emotional at all. He has a hard time showing emotion in public, and even pushed my hand away a few times when I tried to hold his hand. That emotionally hurts - a lot. We used to hold hands all the time. I need a guy who can show me emotion and love on a consistent basis. It makes me wonder if he ever really felt in love like I did - he claims he loves me but "not enough". I guess I should believe him. We've been dating for six years and he has been my only true boyfriend. I really don't have much dating experience at all; I also know deep down I still want him - but I think it's my ideal of him I want, not him how he is now. I think that's because I learned what completely loving someone is like and I'm terrified I won't find that connection and love again...but these are the kinds of things I know are false. I really don't need him anymore and I can love again. There's someone great out there who will treat me wonderfully and want to make me happy over everything else. My brain can now tell me these things and I know they are true - my logic is sometimes still at war with my heart. It just hurts so much to think of him with anyone else in the future - it's disgusting really. We've been through so much together - all of undergraduate school - and we physically only know one another. As I said, I'm still in the grieving process because I've been letting go - I know I have to break up with him. I try so hard not to think about our memories, but they are so well-etched in my mind throughout our undergrad experience. Real life got in the way and he had a sudden "oh wow" moment...now he's questioning everything including me. It's just so sad and disappointing. We've been planning our lives together for about three years - getting jobs near each other etc. I think there's a little hope left that it might work out, but I keep trying to be realistic. I can't let that hope ruin me and prevent me from moving on right now. Sure, he might come back but I don't know if he will. Maybe it would be bad if he came back and I'd go through this type of experience again. As I said before, I might not want him back by then - after all, he could have treated me much better, even during undergrad. I want to be treated like gold. I've been thinking about dating again - it's been a process trying to get used to the idea because I'm the type of person who decides what I want and goes for it. I don't want to mourn too long - for that other special someone is waiting to meet me...it's just still so conflicting. Maybe I will feel more comfortable once I take a break from my FI officially. I don't want to waste any second of my precious life. Through this experience I have learned not to take crap from guys, not to be too nice, that I know what it is to love and lose, that I won't take anything for granted, that I am number one, and that I am ready for marriage and a family once I find the right guy. This pain has been going on since last April - I'm protecting myself now and feel proud of it. -Pink08
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