Quivers mom

Thank you, CJ. Its so true, both of it battling each other to see which will control my mind for the day. Everything reminds me of Quiver. It is so hard. Today is the first day (or night) I got some rest. I think just from sheer exhaustion. I so appreciate this site. Not many people around me would even understand how it hurts. It has helped me cope. For the first time, I have been trying to find a way to not only honor Quiver for all he gave me, but to warn (or educate) others on vet choices, care, and following your instincts. Quiver had let me know many months prior he did not like this vet the first time I saw her. (she had not done anything to him at the time but he knew she was not good) I sensed it immediately as I watched him in the exam and he gave me strong senses of discomfort from her. After that, I always refused to have her if I could wait until the other vet was in. It is so hard and so guilty, that when he needed it most, she was the only one available there and after the Friday night I was forced to see her and she misdiagnoised him, I should have gone elsewhere. I can't seem to live that down and feel I let him down after he had clearly told me his dislike. I am trying to interrupt the feelings of depression, guilt, anger, and grieving when I get them, to try and think of what I can do. I have no family, alone and past my golden years. He was my whole world. I may be starting a website for him in his honor. I have learned so much after he had died that I did not know before and part of the "I should have" too. I don't know if he would have lived longer if I would have brought him home rather than leave him there after surgery, where he was alone, but at least he would have died in my arms with love and comfort and thats the hardest thing to get over. Thanks for listening and being there.

I am so sorry for Skye. What a beautiful boy! You, your son and family are in my thoughts and prayers. I wished more people would learn to love the animals like we do and there wouldn't be so many suffering today.

Its been 11 days now and feels like this morning. It is still so much pain I feel like I have a big hole inside. I feel blah like I have no feelings anymore. Don't want to do anything, sleep aot, eat very little, lost weight, and just no interest. When does it get any better? Everytime I have to drive into town I have to pass this horrible vet center and it hits me like a rock and I just want to screem. Does anyone believe in Pet psychics? pet reincarnation? They say that they can come back if they chose to, but I know he is with my mom and they are happy. I wished I could stop feeling so guilty and that I let him down. If I could have held him and said goodbye, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and understanding. My tears are so thick I can hardly read, but my heart is heavier. I don't feel like I deserve another pet. Right now I don't feel like I even deserve to eat. I've barely slept. I got out of the house for the first time to get meds but was like I was in a foggy dream. I could see cars go by and people all around but like I didn't hear them. I haven't been to Rainbow Bridge but will look for it. I did order a heart locket that has a little gold vial inside it for his ashes. On the back it says "always in my heart" I will go to my email and get the newsletter, thank you Thank you all

My precious Quiver crossed Rainbow Bridge Labor Day at 2 AM without me for the first time in in 13 years. I feel so guilty and depressed its unbareable. If I would have put him to sleep it would have been easier to accept but this is what happened. Quiver was rescued by the Phoenix Second Chance program in 2000. He had wondered the streets for days with an arrow shot through him before someone finally picked up the phone and called the Police. The pain he must have felt as he bumped into everything, they said was enough to kill him. They felt something special with him and gave him a second chance at life. Because of him and a couple other cases of cruelty at the time, our Sheriff Joe Arpiao, Known nationwide as the toughest Sheriff in the West passed it that animal cruelty in Arizona be a Felony! Quiver went up for adoption and with hundreds of TV stations from all over and over a hundred applicants, I was chosen to get him. I took him home and from the time he walked in the door he took to my 75 year old mother and they were inseparable. I have no doubt she would have died soon had Quiver not entered her life. He would physically get sick and refuse to eat if she packed suitcases to go anywhere, so she had to do it behind his back in the garage. Mom fell a couple of times so I sold my home and moved in with her. During that time Quiver went through a cancer scare and a serious PU operation for crystals (at about $3000.00) The Animal Planet wanted to do a story on him and were to start filming on Thursday. Mom was diagnoised with Cancer on Tues so we cancelled it. Mom beat the cancer with the help of Quiver and lived to be 82. When she passed away, my siblings came to town and hit me, pushed me out of the house and locked the door. But thats a whole other story. Bottom line was I stayed at the house sleeping on the back patio on boxes for 4 days. One day I was not there and they backed a truck up and stole everything I owned and mom's too. All this while mom was in the back room dying. I did not know this until she passed and they left. I spent 3 months in bed, crying, depressed, lost weight till I was a skeletion. Neighbors could not get me to come to the door and said if I didn't they would call the police. I slowly came around only with Quivers help who never left my side. Quiver would crawl up my lap, look me in the eye then touch the tear rolling down my cheek with his nose. Then as if to wipe it away he would put his cheek on the tear to dry it up. He would put his paws on either side of my neck and I could feel every muscle in his body as he help so tight as if to say "I'm here, everything will be ok. I lost my mother, my job, everything I owned, and part of my inheiretance (which mom had barely nothing anyway) but all along, I had Quiver. He was like no other I ever had. He didn't even know he was a cat. I was forced to move to this little miserable town where my daughter and grandsons live. I had not lived around her for 20 years. She is a horrible person and mother, but I did not know. I was weak and fell. broke my arm and got a black eye. After that I had to have emergency back surgery. After two weeks, she refused to take me to the dr for check up. I had to drive an hour to the next town to the dr with a turtle cast over my upper body with no pain meds so I could drive 2 weeks after surgery. I was on a walker. I had to stay in her basement and she would not allow the boys to come down to visit. I was allowed no heat and it was snowing bad these months. So Quiver has instinct to stay close to me for his body heat and we spent 7 months in bed. I moved out and got a place. Then she came in and stole from me (I didn't have much) but took Quiver cage he goes to the vet in. She is hateful, she controls everyone and was on perscription drugs (abusing them) I had to go my own way from her. So for Quiver, after all the time he has been there and got me throught this horrible life and ordeals, his time had come. It started last Friday when I noticed he would not eat anything. I immediately took him to the vet. His regular vet was not there. The one I saw misdiagnoised him after blood test and said he was constipated and sent me home with mere lubricant. All his organs, heart and lungs were good. I called them on Sunday morning and she said to "just increase the dose". He got weaker. I called again Sunday evening and the first thing out of her mouth was "you know they charge more for weekends!" I said I don't care, tomorrow is labor day and he wont make it to tues. She met me there, said he had a blockage and did surgery. She called and said he is groggy but coming around. I said should I come get him. She said best to leave him here and get some fluids. I did not know she was going to leave him right away BEFORE she saw him come out of the anethesia alright. She returned and called me that he was having problems breathing and I rushed there about 15 min later. She met me and said he passed away. She said he started vomiting and then having problems breathing. I just went crazy uncontrolable sobbing, I didn't get to say good-bye. I think she left him and he vomited and was to weak to stand up or get it out and asperated and died either before she got there or she found him like that. Now my guilt is so bad that he had to die in a cage ALONE without me after all the years of comfort he gave me. I am sooo sorry. I feel guilty for not thinking to tell her to give him nausea meds with the anesthesia but knowing his history of vomiting she should have anyway! I have been in bed 3 days and no will to live or go on. How could I do this to my baby. I can't prove any of it but know thats what happened. I just want to tell him I am sooo sorry, I have cried non stop, have not eat barely at all. I just want to go hold and be with my baby. I have felt my mom around me and even seen them (her and others) walking around my house. Yesterday I asked mom to please show me a sign that she has Quiver and that hes ok. I was sitting on the floor in the bedroom looking for pictures of Quiver. There was a stack of books across the room that had been stacked there undisturbed for a month. Those books suddenly fell over! Is that the sign I asked for? Is he ok? Did the vet kill him? Did he suffer? Did he feel I let him down not being there? IF ANYONE PUTS THEIR PET UNDER ANESTHESIA MAKE THEM GIVE NAUSEA MEDS MIXED IN. I am so depressed and distraught. I just don't know how to go on without my baby. I feel so guilty, depressed and despondant over thinking of him in that cage dying with no one around to comfort him when he gave his all and when I say ALL I mean it. One of the grandsons has Cystic Fibrosis, Quiver seemed to know it and was gently with him. Once night his mother (my daughter) kicked him out of the house and when I woke he was at my house. Quiver had gotten up on his lap and put his arms around his shoulders and they were asleep. How could I let my baby die alone like this? I didn't get to say good-bye and that I am so sorry. I am just crying all day and don't know how to go on with this guilt and how he died. I am 68 now and totally alone, empty house, silent walls, don't even want to get out of bed. Greiving is hard enought but the guilt of him dying alone is more than I can bare. How do I go on?