Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

laskew

Members
  • Posts

    3
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    6/2010
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    San Francisco
  1. Thank you for your kind words. Sorry I didn't reply sooner, I'm trying to immerse myself in my work to keep from thinking about everything. I just received a list of therapists from my health insurance provider, so hopefully in a couple of weeks I can begin the journey to learning to coexist with my grief. I know it's a long road ahead but I look forward to the possibilities.
  2. One more thing. I know it would've been uncomfortable for her and it's probably selfish of me to wish she was hospitalized...or given some type of forewarning. I just feel completely abandoned and alone. It's crazy to prefer one way of dying to another because in the end they're still gone, but I had so much to say to her.
  3. I was looking through my health insurance website to find a mental health provider specifically to deal with grief. Lately...well, for the last two years since my grandmother has been gone I have been a hollow shell of a person. It's taking a toll on my current relationship since I cant seem to muster any sort of emotion towards her. In many ways my grandmother was my entire world. From doctor's appointments to Alicia Keys concerts we did almost everything together. The rest of my family could only stand to be around her in doses, but she was my everything so I didn't mind the quality time. She was killed in the middle of the night while crossing the street. A white mini van slammed into her while she was crossing the street from a bus stop she took to get to her part time job. A day before the accident she had told me the street was too busy, but I told her if she ever needs anything to call me. We had just moved her into a apartments complex adjacent to a busy street. I knew it was super crazy,because it was difficult to get the moving truck out of the complex and on the busy street. My grandmother had taken public transportation her whole life, if there was one thing she could do with her eyes closed, it would be crossing a street. The day before (the same day she told me the road too busy) she had asked if I wanted to stay to have some pizza she had put in the oven. I told her I couldn't stay because I probably had a date or something, but I would be back later with her flower pot I had left at her old apartment. Later that night, I'm on the phone with the love of my life at the time and my line beeps. It reads 777-777-7777. I let it go to voicemail. Continue my conversation and the line beeps again. It reads 777-777-7777. This time I pick up. "This is detective so-and-so are you related Vina Bleep." I said, "Yes, what is it." I wasn't anxious, I knew whatever it was she was okay, because she was built Ford tough in that way. "Theres been an accident," he said. I kept thinking this is the longest 7 seconds of my life. "Well where is she?!" I asked the guy. "She's dead, she died...." he said. All I remember is screaming. I remember the look on my 5 year old nephew's face, he was sleeping in my room because he was afraid of the dark. He was terrified and usually I'm the stone cold rock for everyone to lean upon, but when I looked at him screaming, I felt 5 years old myself. I was hysterical. He covered his ears. I ran downstairs with the phone in my hand, my parents were in the living room and I kept saying, "He said she's dead..." The look on my mother's face, I will never forget that either, being the one to tell her-her mother is dead. My dad jumped up to grab the phone out of my hand to speak to the detective. My mother started crying, we were both hysterical. I dont remember a lot in the days that followed. I know there was a huge news story about the safety of the street or lack thereof. My Aunt V from LA came into town and turned the place upside down. Within hours we went to the apartment complex and asked all the residents for signatures to take the mayor in regards to having street lights, sidewalks, and a stop sign. Come to find out, some of the people that signed the petition had been struck by cars trying to cross the street also. Some people said she should've been more careful and the city isn't going to do anything about it because the city doesn't care. My brother had the petition by a nurse that just so happened to be parking her car when the accident happened. She said she heard the collision and all she saw was my grandmother on the pavement. She performed CPR but it took so long for the paramedics arrive and with her skull fractured, pieces of her... well anyway... She said my grandma was trying. I was mess, but I still participated in getting signatures, helped with the rally, went to city hall. It was all therapeutic in a way. Eventually my Aunt contacted so many news and radio stations that the story was all over the place. Once my Aunt confronted the Mayor about the issue and the news crews caught wind of the impromptu meeting outside of city hall that was the beginning of planning street lights and sidewalks on my Grandmother's street. It was a multi-million dollar project. In a way it was bittersweet, looking back, because although it cost my Grandmother her life, she saved the lives of other people. She was always an activist and rebellious person in that way. At 68, she was the old lady at the neighborhood Walmart trying to register people to vote. When she was younger, she would tell me stories about molotov cocktails being thrown through her schoolhouse window in a small shack in the back woods of Tennessee. ..and how far she had to walk to get to that school...and how the white kids on the bus that passed by would yell and spit at the black students walking to school. I always think to myself, life was so rough for her, why did she have to go like that. When she was older, my Aunt wanted to take her on a vacation out of the country, but the South was notorious for not keeping record of exact birthdates of black babies...her birthday was inaccurate so her passport application was denied. Amazing. She was amazing. I am at a loss...she's the cornerstone to my being and even though everyone else seems to be coping or continuing life as they know it...my life has been at a stand still. I moved across country and the void seems to get deeper with everyday that passes. She was like my rock. I'm the rock for so many people in my life, family, friends, relationships...I needed her to lean on when I didn't have the strength. So now what...I'm still the emotional receptacle for almost everyone I know, but I'm emotionless. I don't want to lash out...but I don't have the energy to be a rock anymore...I don't think I ever will.
×
×
  • Create New...