Hi, this is my first post here.
I'm 32 years old. I've always been really close to my mom, and she's also been very close to my daughter (who just turned 2). I'm also 39 weeks pregnant with my second daughter.
My mom died two weeks ago. Three weeks before that she was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia. She was 68 years old, a heavy smoker and had some chronic pain issues. Despite that, she was living totally independently and while not in the best of health, we never thought she was this close to the end.
First night in the hospital, they said that her blood had an infection on top of the pneumonia, and that she'd probably be there for a couple days. The last time I spoke to her was the next day, that Sunday. It was the beginning of the month and she was concerned about getting her rent and her cable bill paid. She and I ended up arguing about something really petty and I left without even giving her a hug or kiss goodbye. She was in and out of consciousness for the next day, and the doctors said it was her pain meds and being so tired. To make a very long story short, she slipped into a coma on that Monday and never woke up. The blood infection turned out to be mrsa and it attacked her heart and then her brain. Three weeks, one hospital transfer and a dozen or more tests later, her organs started failing. The doctors gave her some pain meds and we took her off her ventilator. She was gone within a few minutes.
I'm not dealing too well. My baby is due in a little over a week and I can't seem to focus on it. I'm just so sad all the time. I'm sad for me, for my daughter (the toddler). My mom loved my daughter so much, and I'm so sad for both of them that they won't get to have any more relationship. And so so sad about my mom....she knew her health was bad, but we never knew this was the end. She didn't have a DNR set up, none of her affairs were really in order, so my brother and I have been trying to deal with all that.
When I went to her apartment afterwards I found some clothes that she had bought for the baby and some new towels she had bought for herself that still had the tags on them. What is it about those damn towels? I just cry and cry whenever I think of it. She had no idea that the end was coming so soon. She'll never get to meet the baby. Our last words were an argument.
I'm having a hard time taking care of my daughter and a harder time preparing for birth of the new baby. I just....can't get excited about it. I miss my mom so much I can't even breathe sometimes. I'm getting panic attacks all the time, esp. at night. can only sleep with pills. Most of the time I just push the feelings to the edge of my mind and am in kind of denial. I feel like if I let myself go there, if I let myself actually take in the full scope of her being gone....in forever terms...I'll just be swallowed alive by the grief and it scares me.
Thanks for listening.
