crazy

Yes Enna I do hug a pillow every night I sleep, in fact I can't really fall asleep unless I am hugging a pillow. It is weird but it comforts me and makes me feel like he is with me. I'm lucky to have 3 cats who are the loves of my life next to my husband. I don't know what I would do without them. My husband and I picked all 3 of them, so they are part of us. And guess what I talk to them all the time! I am 6 days away from the year anniversary of my husband's death and I have been hit by the overwhelming power of grief again. I've cried at least once a day again for the last month. But I am beginning to know it will pass and I will have some good days again. Take care of yourself and keep hugging that pillow. Love yourself and do what comforts you.

Melina- I can relate so much to what you are saying. I am 6 days away from the year anniversary of my husband's death. And boy oh boy about a month ago it hit again. I was not expecting it and I thought I had come so far. But the uncontrollable throws of greif just hit and all it seems we can do is ride the wave.... I too am taken aback by co-workers, friends and family that seem so surprised that I am still grieving...what are you kidding me. I don't think they mean to be cruel, but sometimes, it makes you wonder that they don't have any sensitivity towards a greiving widow. It was relayed to me by a friend in fact that because I was taking a lot of time off of work after my husband died, that "I was milking his death for all it was worth!" Can you imagine saying that about anybody. I sorry but I can't. I quess I'm different because I always tried to be sensitive around persons who were grieving and had lost loved ones. I feel very scared that I am on my own now. I never realized that at the year mark it would hit me so hard that my husband is really gone and his physical body is not coming back. I know I will get thru this, but the acceptance that I will never get over it, is really really hard. I don't believe people really do understand unless they have been thru it themselves and then even some that have seem so indifferent to someone else's grief. Almost like a jealousy of your loss as if I guess the spotlight is off of their grief...so strange. It has been a long hard road and will continue to be. One thing I am positively sure of is that I will never be the same person ever again. I am determined to keep moving forward, although my heart aches, I know my husband would be in pain to see me in such pain. One thing I find that does help is to go with your grief. Be good to yourself. Love yourself and do things loving for yourself. I think about the loving things my husband did for me and then I do them for myself. I've started putting fresh flowers in my bedroom every other week to cheer me up a little. That's one thing my husband gave me thru out our 33 years of marriage was to give me flowers all the time. I hope I'm not rambling...I do tend to do that these days, but I hope my sharing will help you with your grief and pain. Signed, Crazy (cuz that's how I feel most of the time)