I lost my cat Bubby in the spring and have been unable to resume my life.
In breif, this is the story. I bought an acre of land near a river to build my home. Before the house was even built this cat showed up and started to talk to me. I never knew a cat like that before (I've had many) this one actually talked to me in many ways and he followed me everwhere and wanted to share in my every moment. After the house was built he moved in. Little did I know it but for the next 12 years, Bubby would invade the depths of my heart and become my companion and best freind. We would spend many hours strolling the grounds of my home together during the summer and even indoors, he was always by my side in my office, my workshop or living room.
Three years ago, Bubby came in one day, let out a painfull houl and hid in a box. I took him to the vet and they did an ultrasound and told me he had a slightly enlarged heart but it was nothing serious. Then, last fall, he fell ill so I took him to the vet and they told me he was diabetic. They put him on insulin but he improved only a little. So I took him to a special hospital where they did some scans and told me he had tumors in his pancreas. They gave me two choices - operate (the outcome of operating could not be predicted) or put him to sleep. I decided to take him home with high doses of insulin and pain medication. I couldnt accept either of thier proposals - putting him to sleep or operating and having him die of complications.
Just one more moment with that prescious animal meant the world to me. He had an energy about him - looking into his eyes was like looking into two little images of the sun- just being in his presence brought me such joy, even near the end when he was sleeping most of the time. So I kept him alive and comfortable for another 9 months with special diet, insulin and constant care. We became that much closer during his illness - I lost my job a year earlier and he was my focus 24/7 during the last months of his life. I would cry every day knowing that he would probably die soon.
Then one day, Bubby came into the kitchen and for a moment, I glimpsed aura around him. It was grey and prickly like a porcupine. I held him and he was cold. He purred for a while , then lay down and and a few hours later, he died.
For the first month or so, I carried on with my life telling myself that I had many cats die before and this one was no different. But it was. I felt terrible guilt - why did I not opt for the surgery? Did I deny him a chance (even a slim one) to live? Why did I not detect his illness earlier when it may have been curable? Would he still be here if the surgery was done?
As the summer dragged on, I started to feel his loss more and more. It has come to the point where I cannot go outside the house and wander the grounds because every step I take, I see him thru the corner of my eye coming toward me. The grounds belong to him, and without him, there is nothing there - there is no sunshine, no trees, no grass, no nothing - just a dark empty lifeless field. I cannot make it half way across the yard without bursting into tears. Everything has come to a stop. My boat has remained in winter storage, all the projects I had planned for the grounds have been dropped. A chair under a tree where I used to sit on summer evenings with bubby in my lap sits empty - I have not even gone near it all summer. Basially, I have spent the entire summer pacing up and down my driveway smoking cigarettes ( I was a non smoker) And I have developed abdominal pain and am urinating blood.
Now it is fall, and as the days get shorter, I feel this horror creeping into me and the fear that I will be unable to make it thru the winter all alone. I feel like i have been transported by a time machine back to the darkest, scariest, most depressing moments of my life - those that I sometimes felt when I was a homeless teenager so long ago and I had long left behind as I matured into a fulfilled adult.
God help me because I dont know what is going to happen to me - I have abandoned all my interests, activities, hobbies, and really have no interest in anything. I am sliding deeper and deeper into depression, I'm crying every day (and the crying seems to be getting more intense and gut wrenching). Will I reemerge as a functioning person or is this the end of me? Could another person ever understand the catastrophic experience I have had as the result of the death of a cat? I doubt it. I cant really understand it myself. Sometimes I feel this was no cat - this was a magnificant being that came into my life and changed me forever. Yes I do have children - but I am still overwhelmed by what this animal did to me. Where did he go? Why did he leave me? Will I ever see him again? Stupid questions, but I ask them all the time as tears flow down my face.
