cindycox

Melina..I know exactly how you are feeling..I lost my husband in 2012..He had cancer and passed away 7 weeks from the day we found out..We celebrated our 34th wedding anniversary 15 days before he passed..Since he has been gone, I don't feel like I belong anywhere..I tell my children that and they say you do mom, you belong here..It is such an odd feeling..I have been with a man for awhile now, but it isn't a good relationship, but fear keeps me with him..Afraid of the unknown..I still cry over my husband, A lot..I can't talk about him without crying..My mind goes to the day he passed and it was so horrible, I will never forget it, I cry..My mother was diagnosed with cancer 2 months before my husband..She passed away 2 years later..I took care of her, but sometimes I feel guilty because I didn't always have the patience I should of..I was very angry God was taking my family..I lost my dad in 1994 and my only sibling, my sister in 1996,I feel so alone, even though I have six grown children and many grandchildren..Life just doesn't feel normal..I know it is a new normal, but I don't like it..We are in this all together, but I just wanted to let you know there are others with the same feelings you are feeling..Take Care and stay strong..

Hockeymom.. that sure is a nice thought..I think I'm doing a little better..I have been going through vhs tapes and recording them on dvd for the kids..It wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be watching them..But after doing that for a few hours the other night..I was looking at some other tapes and when I turned it on it was our son's band and I turned it on right where our son was singing "statue of a fool" That was a song I always loved hearing my husband sing when he was in a band because he sang it so BEAUTIFUL..And I absolutely lost it..I started beating my pillow and yelled at God and cried like a baby..I think it isn't happening as often as it was..I get watching the videos and lose all track of time..I laugh, I cry and I feel sad through them all..SO how have you been doing? I hope all is well with you..Thank you for your support, it really means alot to me..Have a good night..

Thank you again Hockeymom..Today was a pretty good day..I still can't really talk about my husband without crying..I had a dream last night that my husband and I was seperated, and we decided to get back together again and I was so happy!!!Than I woke up and realized it was just a dream..I hate that..I kept asking God to let me dream about him, now sometimes it is upsetting, but I still want to see him in my dreams..Hope you are doing good..Have a good night.. Cindy

Thank you so much..

My minister yesterday had such a good sermon..he is doing a series of healing the soul..He said he went home and told his wife one day he had to go away and be alone with God for awhile..So he went to this cabin in Kentucky all alone and he said me and God had some good talks..He said and I got a little loud with him because I just wasn't understanding why some things were going the way they were..He said" I would jump back when I got loud with him.."But he said its okay to yell at God he o do whatever makes you feel better, at least for a few minutes anyway..God Bless you all..

I to am dreading the holidays..My husband passed sept.24th..3 weeks ago today and I have to tell you it feels like an eternity ago..I just can't believe it has only been 3 weeks..This weekend was the worse yet..I couldn't snap out of it..I just cried and cried..Our son called and wanted me to go to a casino an hour away with him and at first I told him no..But I remembered he was over with his wife earlier that day and he said he was having such a hard time that day..So I called him back and told him I would go..I feel like I get lost in my own grief and I forget we have adult kids who are also grieving..We had a great talk on our drive to and from..I think he just wanted to talk..So I was glad I went..As for the holidays I have such a dilemma going on in my head..I don't want to celebrate the holidays at all, I even said I wasn't going to put up a tree..But my 81 year old mother lives with me and she was diagnosed in may with lung cancer, so I feel I should celebrate the holidays for her because these may be her last holidays..I was thinking today, I would adopt a family or something like that in my husbands memory and I think he would be so honored for me to do that for him..He loved kids and family..I thought I could do that for him and get a special ornament for my tree for him and celebrate the best I can for my mom..That is where my head is right now, tomorrow it may be in a different place..Thanksgiving I might be in Florida for that..But I wish everyone the best in whatever your decision is about the holidays..Its each individuals decision to make..Take care all..

KAYC thank you so much..Yes its stupid little things you never thought of before that now sometimes feel like huge mountains to climb.Still dreading the holidays..Not figured out yet what I'm doing..

Thank you very much hockeymomm..Yes I'm learning alot about this grieving..Sometimes I'm doing pretty good and other times not so much..So I take one minute at a time..Because the next minute could be absolutely different..

JMILLER..I'm so sorry for what you are going through..I lost my dad in 1994 and sister in 1996 to cancer..My way if dealing with it was I pushed everyone out of my life..I put a wall up and nobody was going to get past that wall..I didn't want to ever feel that pain again..and if I didn't let anyone close to me I wouldn't..Well my husband (the wonderful man he was) was paying the price for their deaths..One evening he went away..I started to call his phone later in the evening and it went straight to voicemail which told me he turned it off..So I was very upset and I was sitting on the porch at 3:30 am..when a car pulled up and he got out and there was 3 girls in the car..Let alone he left our car at the bar..We got into it that night and he said something to me that snapped me out of my grief I guess..He said, "Cindy, I'm sorry they died, but I didn't cause their death." And that night I told my sister,( who I was really grieving she was my only sibling)I said Gail, I'm sorry but I can't lose my husband and I know you don't want that."And that is what it took for me..But now I just lost my husband that stuck by me, on sept.24, 2012 to cancer..So now I'm trying to deal with his death..It hurts..Bad..I guess the reason I told you this story is she could still be back..We do strange things when we are going through this process..Take care of yourself..

I just lost my husband sept.24th 2012..He ws diagnosed with cancer august 6th 2012..It came to an absolute shock to us..We thought he had a rotator cuff problem..Here he had lung cancer that metestasized(spelling) in his shoulder..By the time they found it it was stage 4..He lived 7 weeks to the day..In that 7 weeks we renewed our vows, celebrated our 34th anniversary and his 60th birthday..He got a chance to talk to each one of our 10 kids one on one..But gee I wish I would of read this forum sooner..I love the hand print idea and I would of recorded his voice over and over..Just was in denial of everything I think..But from the minute he was told he had cancer he went downhill..Out of the 7 weeks he was in the hospital all but about 10 days..I miss him so much..We spent alot of time in the hospital together..He didn't want to be left alone..So I would be with him from morning to night, than one of our kids would spend the night with him..The hospital he was in is just fantastic.Couldn't of asked for better care and although he was in a semi-private room they blocked the other bed in the room so it was available for our family to use..I'm still in so much shock..I'll be okay for awhile and than it hits me like a ton of bricks he isn't coming home anymore..He was a long distance truck driver so I wasn't use to him being home everyday more like once a month, but I tell myself well this is hte weekend he would probably be home..Tonight I cleaned out our filing cabinet, even that was emotional..One of our sons and daughters had birthdays this week and I couldn't even give them a card because I didn't want to sign it from just me..Little things like that really bother me..They say it gets easier..WEll everyone take care and it is nice to know there is a place like this just to go and vent..Take care all..

I lost my husband september 24th 2012. I miss him so much. His illness was fast.From the time he was diagnosed till his death was 49 days.My heart is broken and I don't know if I will ever be better again.He had lung cancer, but by the time they found it it had spread to his bones,brain and lymph nodes.Thank God it never affected his brain.He never forgot who we were.He was in the hospital all but about 10 days of those 49 days.He never spent one night or day alone in the hospital except when he was in intensive care..Other than that the hospital left the other bed in his room open so a family member could be with him all night.He just never wanted to be alone. Our daughter called me at 5:30am. on the 23rd and said he was talking strange.So I went to the hospital and sat on the bed beside him and he looked at me and said," you are the only one I trust."I told him everybody loved him and he can trust everyone.He said no.He wasn't good all day sunday and our kids said mom have you told him it was okay to go? I said,"No I just can't."They said you have to. SO they left us alone and we talked.We all stayed the night at the hospital sunday night. Monday morning I could tell his breathing changed. I asked him if he wanted a breathing treatment and he said yes. Normally he would breathe better after that. But it didn't happen this time. He would be sleeping and he would wake up and say "help me".We all was telling him to go it was okay to go be with his parents and brother..Our youngest son had written a song for him when he fisrt got sick an he had it recorded on his phone so he turned it on so his dad could hear it(he already heard it when he wasn't so sick) and it seemed to calm him..After it was over someone told him to play another one. So he played "Don't close your eyes" My husband had been in a band a big part of his life and he always sang that song.I was sitting right beside him and I just put my head down and cried through the whole song and when it ended I put my head up and our son(who is a paramedic) was standing there looking at me and just shook his head yes.I looked at my husband and he was gone. Sometimes I wish my eyes would of been opened so I could of seen him..I believe he was looking at me when he past just my where his eyes were looking.I have to know that this will get easier.

I would give anything to have a dream about my husband..He just passed sept.24th..I know it hasn't been long..But every night I talk to him and beg him to give me a sign he is okay.He was so looking forward to going home to Heaven..He was diagnosed with cancer August 7th and we knew he didn't have long..It was the type of cancer they don't find until it is stage 4..From the time he was diagnosed until he passed he spent all but 10 days in the hospital..The last time he was 2 days shy of being 3 weeks in hospital..He said from day one he wasn't afraid of where he was going he was afraid of the journey to get there..I want to hear from him so he can tell me his journey is over and he is happy and pain free..Has anyone else gotten a sign from their loved ones? I know I would feel so much better if I just knew..Thank you and God Blessd you all..

This is my first time commenting here. I just lost my husband monday september 24th 2012. He was diagnoised with lung cancer august 7th, 2012.We thought he has a rotator cup problem because he was a truck driver and his shoulder was hurting him so bad..We wnt to an orthopedic surgeon and he did an mri on him. When we went back to his office to what we thought was to get an appointment for surgery, he walked in and said you have cancer.. Everything has happened so fast! I know I'm still in shock..September 9th, we celebrated our 34th wedding anniversary.On top of that in June my mother was told she has lung cancer..She lives with us and I was taking her to her chemotherapy than when my husband was diagnoised I felt like my world fell apart. I cry, I even get angry at my husband, because I begged him for years to quit smoking..Funny him and my mom both the day they were told they had lung cancer quit smoking.I know I have to take this grief one day at a time, I'll be okay for awhile than I just start crying..Last night our sons came over and we were playing cards and in the middle of the game I said I can't do this and I started crying..If people are laughing I get mad..How do you laugh when your dad/brother or whoever has just died..I know that isn't even fair to them..Does anybody else experience this, I'll be okay and the minute someone asks me how I'm doing I start crying..I don't know why I'm writing this, maybe people can give me some advice since this is so new to me..I am going to start going to grief counseling.I think this is to much for me to try to deal with alone..For everyone grieving my heart goes out to you all, because my heart literally feels like it is breaking..Than to top everything off, thursday was his funeral and one of my step-daughters video taped my our son singing a song to his dad that he had written and than they put it on facebook and it showed my husband lying in his casket..I had a bad day on friday and I went to my facebook and that video was on there..I was livid and left a not very nice comment and told them to take it off of there. Now I won't even give them a copy of a video that my son had made for the viewing of their dads lifw with music, because nothing is sacred to them and I'm afraid it will show up on facebook..I'm sorry I'm just rambling on here..God Bless everyone on here..