melissa

Hi all, Unfortunately I have bad news to share. You may remember from my earlier posting that I lost my grandmother about 2 months ago, in early June, and was worried about losing my grandfather. Sadly, he passed away last Tuesday. He did not have the will to live without my grandmother, and although I'm sure there are medical explanations, I truly believe he died of a broken heart. His funeral was last Thursday, so we were back at the gravesite where he was buried next to my grandmother. My family had barely begun the grieving process for my grandmother, and now it's like we've been hit twice. I truly hope my grandparents are now reunited, although I'm not sure if I believe in heaven or the afterlife. As far as the Ambien - thank you all for sharing your personal experiences. For the first time in quite a while I didn't take it last night. Probably not the best idea since I hardly slept, woke up to crying spells, and was exhausted in the morning. I know it's not supposed to be "addictive" but I worry that I can't sleep without it. Songbird - thank you so much for your message, and I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandmother, but I'm glad you got to spend time with her before she passed, I know she treasured those moments and so will you. There's something so special about grandparents and their grandchildren - it's like no other relationship. My grandparents accepted their grandchildren for who we are, including all our flaws and quirks, never judged us, forgave our mistakes and supported us as we grew into adults. Thursday, August 10 is my 30th birthday, and the first birthday of my entire life without my grandparents celebrating right beside me. Although I don't want to do anything to celebrate, I'm going out to dinner with my parents, my brother and two of my friends so that some sense of "normalcy" will be there for my parents. Our family always gathers for dinner to celebrate a birthday, and as much as I'd like to skip it this year because I know that there will be two very important people missing at the dinner table, I'm doing this for my parents so that they can continue the family tradition begun so many years ago. Ok, and never mind the fact that I'm stressing out that I'm 30! That's probably a subject for a completely different type of support group

My heart goes out to each and everyone of you during this time of pain and grief. I strongly believe in the value of therapy of any kind. Grief counseling in a support group or on an individual basis with a psychologist or psychiatrist. Even my primary care physician was helpful - I was having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep because I'd cry so much, but for the past week I've been taking Ambien and with the exception of the first night, it has worked like a charm I'm ready to go to bed within an hour of taking it, I'm able to sleep through the night, and there's no "hangover" feeling in the morning - you just wake up refreshed after a good night's sleep. If any of you are comfortable going to a support group or to see a qualified physician, you're definitely making the right decision. Sometimes we just need a little help from others (peers, doctors, etc.) to help us through these difficult times. They're safe places where we can cry and vent and simply be allowed to feel how we feel at that very moment. Another thing that works well for me, but is tough to do sometimes when you're really down, is to exercise. The endorphins in your brain do wonders to stimulate your mood. And you don't have to start off doing something intense. Taking a long walk after dinner is a great start - you get to enjoy that it's still lighter out later in the evening. As for what works for me, I have to do an intensive exercise program at the gym, without it I would do nothing. As hot as it's been lately, I'm still going twice a week to my spinning classesand twice a week to my kickboxing classes, I think I just sweat out all the toxins in my body. In any case, my time at the gym, or any time I exercise I use to only focus on my body, my strength, my muscles, etc. It's a wonderfully healthy way to check in on your self physically and see how you are doing. The connection between physial health and emotional health is so strong, that you can't help but to improve your emotional health as you become physically stronger or more active. What's nice about exercising is that you can clear your mind and just focus on the music and/or on your breathing - once you are completely focused on either of those, it's like your brain can't add any more to your conscious thought at that time. So give it a try, take a short walk after dinner (with or without your family, whichever you prefer) and see what the impact is after doing this for a week or two and let me know - any of you that try it, feel free to let me know how it makes you feel or if it helps you in any way.

Derek - thank you so much for clarifying your experiences with Ambien. I took it for the first time this evening, about an hour and a half ago, and surprisingly I'm still wide awake. I thought for sure by now I'd be in bed and sound asleep, but apparently I must not be reacting to it the way I expected. I barely slept last night, and I was really hoping for a good, sound sleep tonight, but it looks like that's just not in the cards for me this evening. I went to see my grandfather today, he never even opened his eyes or spoke. Even when we feed him or give him something to drink he keeps his eyes closed. It's just so incredibly sad to see him this way, I wonder if it would be better for him to pass so he can be with my grandmother again. I just don't know if my parents can handle going through it all again, so soon after losing my grandmother. I have a few friends that I'm able to talk to, but having everyone here to talk to seems so much more comforting. I'm afraid that my friends will just expect me to "get better" within a few weeks after my grandfather passes. I even asked my boss at work if I could get an extra day or two for bereavment time considering the circumstances, but all she had to say was, and I quote, "You still have plenty of vacation time left to use, don't you?" Well, of course I do, but I wasn't expecting to have to use it for bereavement. I thought she'd at least understand what I'm going through - she's been well aware of all that's happened since my grandmother got sick over a year ago - but yet even corporate America has little sympathy for those of us grieving. I was shocked, although I'm sure I shouldn't be, and if I need extra time, I guess it will just come out of my vacation time. I'm so sorry to be so negative, I hope I don't become a dark cloud for everyone. Maybe over time as I get further down the road of grieving I'll be able to make some sense of it all. But right now I feel like all that surrounds me is death and illness. Even my poor dog got sick today - he has Vertigo. I had no idea a dog could get vertigo, it's so sad to see him like this, but hopefully the medicine will help him get back to normal within the next day or two, and I can continue to bring him with me when I visit my grandfather. Many of the people at the nursing home where my grandfather is now just adore my dog and enjoy seeing him in the hallways. I wish a good and restful night to everyone, please get some extra sleep for me, I have a feeling that since the Ambien still hasn't kicked in, I'm facing another long night of tossing and turning.

Thank you all for your kind words and for sharing your personal experiences with me. I had no idea how much it would help to hear about other people's grief and that we all go through the same types of difficulties (concentrating, sleeping, etc) while grieving. I cry a lot now, which I don't mind, because after the funeral, I kinda went numb. But now watching my poor grandfather literally giving up on life due to a broken heart, it's almost too much to bear. I'm thankful that I still have both of my parents in my life - I can't imagine how painful it would be to lose either of them. But, this experience watching them care for my grandparents over the past year or so forces me to realize that someday I'll be in their shoes, caring for them. I can't think about that too much, though, because it's more than I can handle emotionally, so I'm just thankful that they're showing me now what I'll need to do for them so when the time comes, hopefully many, many years from now, I'll have the strength to do for them what they've done for their parents. I did go to my primary care physician today, just to see if there was something to help me sleep. She gave me Ambien, but now I'm concerned - since I read someone's post that said the side affects were terrible. I haven't filled the prescription yet. My doctor also gave me a number for a grief support group at a local hospital. Have any of you tried that? I don't know if it's something I'd be comfortable doing, but if any of you have gone to one and are comfortable sharing your experiences, it would be helpful to hear about. I check in with my parents every day to see how my grandfather is doing, and visit him on the weekends. The news I received today wasn't good - he's eating very little, sleeping all the time, and hardly opens his eyes. Just a few weeks ago I could sit and have a full conversation with him, the decline has been so rapid it's almost mind blowing. My mom thinks he may not make it even to the end of the summer. I can't imagine going through what we went through with my grandmother all over again in such a short amount of time. I'm terrified that my father will completely fall apart. As it is, his life has been turned upside down with the loss of my grandmother. And my mother, who is also extremely close with my grandfather (and was with my grandmother), like they were her own parents, has been informed by her doctor that she is at risk for a stroke because her blood pressure is so high. I'm afraid that if my grandfather passes away that I'll end up losing my parents too. I feel completely helpless because there's nothing much I can do other than visit with my grandfather and talk to my parents. I wish I could take away their pain. I know the pain I'm feeling is only a small percentage of what they must feel. Is there more I can do for them? For my grandfather? Or is just being there enough?

I am new to this site and this is my first post, so I hope I'm doing this correctly. I'm asking for help from anyone who can offer it, I'm open to all suggestions - I feel like I have nobody to turn to. I lost my grandmother about 6 weeks ago, and I'm still haunted by the memory of watching her take her last breaths. She was almost 95, her mind was still sharp up until the final minutes, but her body couldn't survive kidney failure any longer. She was less than a month away from celebrating her 75th wedding anniversary with my grandfather. Now, my grandfather, who is 99, has lost his will to live since she is gone. It's tearing my family apart and as the youngest grandchild (I'm just a few weeks away from turning 30), I feel helpless because there's nothing I can do but watch my family fall apart. Once my grandfather is gone, it seems that there will be nothing left - like my grandparents were the glue that kept the family together. I'm struggling with the grief I'm feeling. I can't concentrate at work, I have a lot of trouble falling asleep, and when I do fall asleep, I wake up during the night to crying spells, and am exhausted in the morning. I do have a doctor's appointment in mid-August, but any advice on how to deal with my grief until then would be greatly appreciated. I don't know how long I can go on like this for, I've never grieved before so these feelings are completely new to me.