Hope whispers

2 years later and it still feels like yesterday. Doctor put me on effexor for depression and Rispiradon for night time sleep and invasive thoughts. The latter drug hit me hard and was having intense nightmares, sleeping even worse than before. Can't stand facing everyday without Kevin. Can't imagine growing old without him. So hard to do anything so often, then other days I go hard and work nonstop morning till night at home. Still haven't gone to work and still not driving any distance. How much can a person take, feel like I'm falling apart.

I do have a grief counselor that has been working with me for over a year now. In so many ways she has kept me alive when life just doesn`t feel worth living because I hate living without my son Kevin. Everyday is so painful with him gone. Yeah I can have some fun once in a while but thoughts of him are always there with me under the surface. I have some family members who are very supportive, others avoid conversation about what is going on for us. I have a couple good friends who are really here for me, but again I see them only when they can come over bc of my fear of driving. I have a set of goals for this year and driving again is one of them. I hate that my life has come to relying on others to get me from a to b and want to overcome this. Trishia, I feel so sad for you! Reading what you wrote to me does give me hope. I know the pain will always be there, but I`m happy that the anxiousness (anxiety) does lessen eventually. I hope it happens for me soon. Am still afraid of going out into the public. I think the way people avoid me because they don`t know what to say, bothers me the most! I want people to mention Kevin and to remember him. He is on my mind all the time, even when something else is going on, and people shouldn`t be afraid that they may make me cry. The tears are always there although I hide it, mostly for their sakes. I turned 50 in December! My only wish when blowing out the candles, can never come true because I only wish that that negligent driver was never on the road that day and that Kevin was home safe with me. I can`t imagine going for so many more years with this pain. I feel so empty inside. Everyday does not get easier. I miss him so much.

Still waiting for an answer with the appeal. An analyst has taken a look at all the stuff I sent her and says it will be overturned and they will help me from "here on in". Not sure what that meant but sounded like there will not be any pay back from the last year and a half. Am still seeing my grief counselor, she is such a tremendous help to me. Helps me to try to realize that I am not crazy and that all I am going through is bc of my deep grief. It`s all still so fresh and feels like it just happened. So hard to move on and deal with. Thanks for your thoughts KayC. Tough holiday season, kept it quiet and simple. Not driving or working yet. Another hurdle for me to climb, but driving is one of the goals I want to achieve this year. Thinking maybe if we had a truck instead of a car (which is what Kevin was driving), I`d feel better about driving. IDK. Take care all

Thanks KayC. Yes there are similarities. Sounds like we both didn't get a chance to say good-bye. This breaks my heart so much. If only I could see, hold, talk, and listen to him one last time. I just want to know that he is happy. I miss him so, so much and find it so hard waking up in the morning and facing the day without him. He was always the one to help me out with everything in the house and outside in the garden and with all the flowers, so his absence is such a huge presence in my life. Every minute of every day! It was so nice to see my counselors face again. Am so hopeful I can get a ride in with someone next week cause its so much better in person and she is so wonderful to talk with. Take care

Thank you for your understanding thoughts hockeymom. We did get Kevin's thumbprint done right away and had necklaces made. Chose his thumb bc for one when he would hold our hands he would always rub his thumb on our hands, and the other reason was "thumbs up" a lot can be said with that! I do try to journalize and keep busy doing just things - have painted a lot of the house! But its hard. Today I am going to work on my appeal and send it off on Monday. Just keep thinking "what can I write to them in order for them to understand that I am grieving and that it would have been impossible to have gone back to work immediately. I've been struggling to write to them for the last couple weeks, so much comes into my head and then quickly leaves it. My memory is not what it use to be. I still can't believe that they thought I could go back that same day! No empathy I guess. I don't know.

Thank you for your thoughtful words. Yeah I am going to appeal but only have a week left. Can't motivate myself to write something to them. Don't know how to get it across that I am having a horrible time accepting the traumatic loss of my son. Saw my grief worker last week, and it was great to see her in person instead of the phone. Set up another appointment and hopefully I can find someone to take me in. I am isolated out here on the farm and am so hopeful that I can get stronger to face some things. My crying gets so uncontrollable till it makes me sick to my stomach. God, I miss his so much and find it hard to be without him. Most people seem to think that things should be easier bc its been past a year, I can only hope that they never have to endure this kind of pain. Again I appreciate all that you have said to me

It was July 15,2011 that I lost my son. He was killed when another driver crossed the highway and hit him. The driver was never charged and this kills me even more. I haven't been able to return to work since that day bc my grief is so intense. I miss him more and more every second of everyday and find it hard to carry on. People tell me it will get easier but it sure hasn't. I'm full of anxiety and count on other people to get me places bc I find it hard to drive. Not scared about my safety but the safety of others on the road. I live on a farm so am not in contact with people much except by phone. I hate my life. I miss my son and want to be with him.

I don't even know where to begin. I lost my son last July. He was driving home and another vehicle crossed over and hit him. He was trying to get out of the way. I can't imagine what was going through his mind at the time. I was away in Alberta helping my sister who had just undergone surgery for cancer when I got the devastating phone call from my husband. My life as I knew it is over. There has been such a fog ever since. I feel so unmotivated, but hide it from people. I am at such a loss with everything. I haven't been able to drive, and have not returned to work where I use to work with at risk children/families. I live on a farm and my work is in another town. I have a great bereavement counsellor but have mostly met with her through phone calls bc of my fear of driving, and I hate to inconvenience others to take me in. I know I have to learn to get out more but its so hard and so many people do not understand my grief. My insurance company hasn't helped me out at all believing that I should have been able to go back to work right away. They have been told by my physician and counsellor that I am suffering from post traumatic stress,anxiety,intrusive thoughts and images and difficulty sleeping. The insurance company said that this is insufficient information. It has taken over a year to hear from them and wondering if anyone else has ever gone through this. I was not aware that there were rules about how to grieve, that there were things I must do in order to get the understanding from insurance. They said: with the limited information provided, it is difficult to get a clear understanding of the level of impairment. The nature of treatment indicated is not indicative of a severe condition that would have prevented you from being able to work since July 15,2011. They don't know how heart races thinking about going to work and being with children. My son was killed by someone who got away with a little fine and continues to drive and I'm suppose to be able to drive the next day to work? My heart is broken bc of what happened and then to add on financial stress! I wish more than anything that my son would come back to me and we could all be happy together again. His absence is such a huge presence in my life and in the lives of my family. We will never be the same again. But thats the jist of what I get out of this company: get back on your feet immediately and go on as though nothing happened and that you're 100% ok. I'm not ok!