Breeze

I bet it was. But worth it?

Arlene Very nice meeting you. My name is Brianna. Did you have to pay for the reading?

babylady That must of been awesome to have a reading. Did it make you feel somewhat better after? I do dream about Matt once in a while. The dreams are so real that I never want to wake up.

Kay Thanks for the post. I really look forward to read what everyone has to say on this page. Really brightens my day a little at a time. I so very much agree with you about what is said. When I was at the time that I was upset with God...I wanted a reason and I wanted a darn good one. I would of been screaming at him, but I live in an apartment....Didn't want the cops being called or something. Haha. I am still thinking about what I am going to do for Christmas. I feel like I should take it one day at a time. My counselor said it might be a good idea to be around people during my bad week. I wouldn't mind too much, but I would have no where to go to cry, if I had too. If I hide it from my family than when I get home id burst. I did it last year when this was all fresh in my mind. One problem I have that I think it is weird that I picked up is that when I am on the high way or going to one town to another, I count all the "why die?" or "think" signs on the sides of the road where people had passed away. I am sorry for your losses as well....I am glad I don't feel so alone anymore.

Anthony That is about all you can do is for you two to sick together and be there when one needs someone the most. I call Matts mother as much as I can. Even though her and I live states apart, I know she is just a phone call away. I wouldn't of come as far as I have without her and she has told me many time that she couldn't of done this without me. That day I left Matt to go back to South Dakota was very very hard cause the fact I wasn't only leaving him....I was leaving his family too.

babylady, Ice cream party? He had a good time before that happened. That is great. I know it hurts. At first I couldn't even say Matts name without bursting into tears. Now, I can talk about him for a little while before I have to stop. I have an idea that might help you, It did for me. Buy a few journals and write to him. Tell him whats been going on and how you are feeling. I wrote to Matt in the morning and before I go to bed. This day I still tell him goodnight and how much that I love him before I go to bed. Sucks though, cause I have to take a pill for me to sleep. Anyway, the journals really helped me.

babylady, So things are very fresh in your mind being only five months. Time goes by so fast that I don't feel like it has almost been a year. I would be thankful that it didn't happen out on the road.

Anthony, Wow, I am very sorry to hear about what happened to your wife. May I ask, how old was your daughter at the time? Before I knew that you could pass away any time of day, but passing away while doing something you most likely do each and every day shocks me the most. Matt was probably heading out to go to a friends house or maybe even wanting a drink from a store. Doesn't seem fair.

Thank you for the links. I will take a look at them as soon as I can. I had my meeting earlier today and she thought being on a forum and reading about other peopoles stories will be good for me. Knowing I am not alone and what I am feeling is normal.

Thanks very much for your reply. Means a lot to me. I have been going to grief counseling, It helped me understand somethings, but I still have anger inside and I am not sure if I would ever except his death. Why am I so angry at the lady who hit him? I don't know why and I feel like I shouldn't. I was so very upset with her that I found her number listed on the internet and was going to call her. Then I started to think that wouldn't solve anything or make me feel better, plus Matts mother told me the same thing. I have counseling in about a half hour....I just don't want to be angry anymore.

The reason for me signing up for this forum is because I need someone to talk too that is going through the same thoughts and feeling as I am. I keep it in most of the time, my family and friends don't really understand much and I get a reaction from them once in a while that turns my feeling of sadness into anger. I am not the type of person who gets upset easily, takes a lot for me to go off the edge, but when it comes to the death of Matthew I can hit the wall so fast that it may take a minute or two too realize it. I knew Matt since I was 16 years old...Dated for 10 years. We had our ups and downs in the relationship. Who doesn't? He had a lot of growing up too do, so I thought it was a good idea for me to move back to my family in South Dakota from Virgina after five years of living together. A few years later, we tried to make it work off and on, but it just wasn't the right time. We talked so much on the phone and sometimes staying up all night long, just talking about life and random topics. Last time I talked to him was on his birthday(Dec 19, 2011), I remember the call like it was yesterday. Talked for two hours, told him happy birthday and how much I loved him. He died two days later(Dec 21st). Matt had just turned 28 years old. What happened was he got up in the morning and decided to go somewhere...An 80 year old lady forgot to put her turn blinker off. She was going 60mph and Matt pulled out in front of her, thinking she was turning. Matt died so fast that he didn't even have a chance to know what happened. The lady was in the hospital for a few days or a week then sent home. If the relationship had worked and I moved back...I would of been it the car with him that day. My dad told me days later that maybe God didn't let the relationship happen cause of that very reason. Instead of one family going through the loss of a loved one, there would be two. I agree, but I wish I was there to stop it. My life has changed in so many ways....If I start crying, it almost always starts an anxiety attack. I am on three medications for depression. In the beginning I didn't want to live anymore and was very upset with God. I had slowly gotten better, but now that it is getting closer to December and the seasons change....I feel like I am going backwards. I don't even want to put a tree up for Christmas. December is coming...What am I going to do? I have the 19th, 21st, 23erd(when I found out), and the 25th. My mom wants me to stay over night on Christmas eve, but to tell you the truth....I don't feel like doing nothing but staying in my apartment.

That is amazing. It is all the little things in life that means so much.