Rubysbaby

Hi babbenT514, I'm sorry for your losses. I'm still mad also and it's very hard going to church now. I continue to go but I'm not there 100% so I probably shouldn't go. It's hard to hear about someone else being healed when my mom wasn't. The pain is still strong, stronger some days than others. I really miss my mom/friend. People I thought were close friends have gone on with their lives and don't even check to see if I'm ok. I think it's because they think I should be by now. If you ever want to vent I am here for you also.

Thanks everyone for the support and telling me that it's ok to feel whatever I feel. Hug is appreciated Niamh. I have started to isolate myself from family members that think it's time to be positive. I'm made to feel that it's wrong that I'm upset that mom's Dr. didn't do a good job treating her as I suspected for some time (he used to be my Dr.). I know that Drs. aren't perfect and that God is in control and the same outcome could have happened if he had taken preventive measures. My mom complained of the following symptoms -- shoulder pain, heartburn, heart palpitations (before the shoulder pain and heart burn started). My Dr. told me that those are classic symptoms of a diabetic with heart issues. It angers me that she was told that her heart sounded good many times until it was too late.

thanks for taking the time to read my story and respond. Yes I am in grief counseling -- not sure if it's helping. It's so hard for me to be positive now. When I got positive about mom's condition, then she died. I am so lost and hurt.

Hi, The stories I have read so far have let me know that I am not the only one feeling such pain. My mom died 7/27/12, a day I will never forget. The weekend before we were on a family trip to FL. My mom started feeling bad that Sunday. We (Dad, Sister, and me) offered to take her to ER in Florida. She said she was ok until she got home. She said she felt better when we got home and would go see Dr. Mon. morning. The Dr. sends her to the ER by ambulance (exactly a week after her 69th birthday). She had had a heart attack while we were in FL. We were to go to Minnesota on Thurs (would have been my parent's first flight). I was numb and scared. I was upset because she didn't allow us to take her immediately to ER. She had open heart surgery on Tuesday. She didn't awake completely until Wednesday evening. The Drs. had given a good prognosis that she would resume back to normal. Friday she walked from ICU to a regular room. My mom looked so good that day. She was talking like herself again. She even gave us a laugh or two. I was still nervous because I knew she had a long recovery but felt that she was doing well and headed in the right direction. If God had brought her through having the heart attack and surgery, I thought for sure she would survive. She was a strong woman and had survived and beat cancer twice. Friday afternoon I told my dad he needed to eat and we went to the cafeteria in hospital. Dad and I discussed how we were going to take care of mom during her recovery. This was the first day I was positive about everything. When we left the cafeteria and headed back to the room my worst nightmare happened. My sister was outside the door screaming. My aunt was with her and another aunt reached for me. I was in shock and so confused as to what was going on. Staff had come to take her blood. Mom started to make a face of pain. The family with her (my sister, sister-in-law, and 2 aunts) thought it was from them sticking her to take blood. Mom started seizing and eventually coded. The Drs. couldn't save her. They didn't know what happened and told us it was probably a blood clot. It just doesn't make any sense. Did staff do something wrong? I couldn't even cry I was in such shock. All I could do was scream. How could this happen when she survived the heart attack and surgery? My mom was my best friend. I talked to her every day and saw her almost every day. My faith is shaken. I had just given praise reports and thanked God for healing her again and then she was gone a few hours later. I am in such pain. It's been 4 months but I can't concentrate on anything but her last days. I know we all have to die and God doesn't always answer the way we want, but I don't like it. It's not fair. I keep wondering is this punishment for my sins or because I didn't pray enough before & when she got sick. Why did mom say she was better? I know she had to be in pain. I also blame her regular physician because she had complained of heartburn and when I told my Dr he immediately said that was a heart disease sign for women especially diabetics. I am in counseling, reading books, and journaling trying to get through this. I have returned to church but it's hard because I wonder if God listens to me anymore since he didn't answer my prayer to save her. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions. Thanks for listening to my story.